Category Archives: parenting

Patience: A Characteristic of Love

counseling, parenting, Raising kids, Uncategorized

Train up a child…

 

Patience: A Characteristic of Love

 

If asked, “Do you love your children?” most parents without hesitation would reply, “Yes, I love my children!” Most parents probably do think that they love their children. However, when we examine the true definition of love, we might find ourselves falling short in this area.

If we examine definitions of love, we find that the 13th chapter of I Corinthians in the Bible lists the qualities present when there is love. One of those qualities listed is patience.

Do we have patience with our children? In the hurry and scurry of everyday living, we can easily expect too much too soon from those around us. It is not easy to wait for children to develop skills and make decisions at their own pace. We sometimes forget that we cannot force a flower to bloom. With plants, we water, nourish, and prune but the growth comes from within the plant. So it is with children. We nourish, and prune (discipline) and provide experiences and advice, but we cannot force the child to grow. That growth comes from within the child.

Unfortunately, some parents have a fixed image in mind of what they want the child to be when he/she grows up. We have all heard of the football player who wants a son to be a football star, etc. In such a situation, the parent may be very impatient and take out his own disappointment on the child. We need to realize that certain traits are inherent in children at birth. Again, using gardening as an example, we cannot change a carrot to a radish; we can only try to develop a better carrot or radish. With children, we need to cultivate those good tendencies or skills that came with them at birth. We waste time and cause much frustration when we try to force children to be something other than what they are capable of. We need to be patient as we help them develop into what their Creator designed them for.

It is important in the matter of discipline to be able to discern the difference between a mistake and intentional belligerence. We would be naïve to think that children are born with only good intentions. Intentional belligerence requires immediate discipline. Mistakes of a child, on the other hand, require our patience and teaching. Probably every child needs admonition at one time or another. When our children are intentionally naughty, even though we must discipline them, we need to be patient in understanding that they are no different from other kids in that respect. We should never make a child feel that there is no hope for improvement. I’ve known some parents who seem to really just grind their children down until the child feels there is no hope. Our patience with them gives hope. Without hope, children may either give up or become rebellious.

We can’t expect children to be as accomplished as we are. We have several years of learning ahead of them. When they seem awkward and break things, it may be because they are growing longer arms and legs and haven’t learned to adjust to the extra size yet. When they don’t make the right decisions, it may be because they haven’t acquired all the facts and understanding they need to make those decisions.

Patience is more than a virtue. Patience is an indication of real love.

.

I

Cherish the “Sweet” Days

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Train up a child…

 

Cherish the “Sweet” Days

 

Recently in a phone conversation with our daughter-in-law, she told me that our four-year-old grandson was having a “sweet” day. She related that when they went shopping and she lifted him out of the car, he softly and gently said, “Mommy, I love you.” Later, when they were in the store and she had him by the hand, he pulled her hand to his lips and kissed it. What precious moments!

“Oh,” you say, “but it doesn’t last!” Well, actually it can last. Of course it cannot be every moment of every day that children express their love, but there can be an ongoing inner love that leads to respect of parents. This in-dwelling love should also be present in the parents for the children.

Most people would quickly bring to mind the teenage years when children so often tend to disrespect parents as they struggle to “leave the nest” and become independent. I dare say, even though there are times of friction between parent and child, the foundation can be laid that ensures that children always come back to that expression of love.

When our oldest grandson reached puberty, I called him aside and said, “Now, Dylan, you are about to become a teenager. I want you to be like your Uncle Charles. When he was in high school, he was never afraid to give me a hug no matter who was watching.” It worked. Dylan gave me hugs in front of his peers all through his teenage years. He was never afraid to show affection to his mother as well. His younger sister followed his example and also showed affection to her mom and grandparents.

A worse scenario than a teen who refuses to show affection to parents, is the grown-up who speaks sharply to aging parents or shows disdain when a parent does something that the grown-up child finds distasteful. How often have we heard, also, of the aging parent in the nursing home who receives few or no visits from adult children?

Dr. Adrian Rogers once remarked in a sermon that he would never allow his children to speak disrespectfully to their mother. He said that their mother went through much pain to bring their children into the world. As they grew, she changed their diapers and cared for them in many ways. As a father, he wanted his children to know that they owed their mother respect and that they should treat her with dignity.

Wouldn’t it be nice if everyone would love and respect everyone else? As Valentine’s Day approaches, we think of love and its meaning. Let’s teach our children that love means that we care for others whether or not they see things the same way we do. When others make their best efforts, let’s appreciate those efforts and not be judgmental and critical. There are ways of expressing our beliefs without hurting others. After all, we are all learning and growing every day. Everyone makes mistakes. The mistakes of others are no worse than our own. To love others doesn’t mean that we have to agree, but it does mean that we should be kind, patient, and longsuffering. Let us practice this love to our children as we expect them to practice it to us in return.

I know of no better description of love than that given in the 13th chapter of I Corinthians in the New Testament. It would be good if we all read this chapter often.

 

 

It’s Not Just Child’s Play!

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It’s Not Just Child’s Play!

 

It is a wonderful thing when parents will play with their children. There is great value in time spent simply having fun with them. This time is an opportunity for bonding, teaching, and creating memories.

Right after Christmas there is an opportunity to explore the new toys and games together. When dad or mom get on the level of the child and explore the new possibilities of enjoyment, the child learns to appreciate the fact that the parent has interest in his/her world. A special relationship between the child and parent is created. This new relationship results in a better understanding of each another.

In the event that a toy breaks, as many are apt to do, as the parent helps repair that toy, the child learns about how things work. Parents have an opportunity to teach new words and understandings to the child.

Even if there are no new games or toys, parents and children can create their own games. Our grown children still laugh about playing “sandwich” or “slobber ear” with their dad, and I laugh when I see them play the same games with their children. These are rough and tumble games on the floor (or grass in the summer) where all involved laugh and giggle as they try to get away from each other to avoid having an ear chewed or to become the bottom bread of a sandwich. They laugh as “the meat” wriggles out to try to become the top bread and the bottom bread tries even harder to escape being the bottom bread. It is important, however, for the parent to know when enough is enough in these games. It is cruel to tickle children too much. Also, weight of individuals needs to be considered so no person is hurt.

Many board games offer opportunities for learning as well as having fun. Long winter evenings are well spent in playing games such as Monopoly, Balderdash, Sequence, or others with older children. In Monopoly, children learn much about money. They learn to count the money as well as a great deal about how business works. Balderdash is a great game for teaching writing, persuasion, and vocabulary. Our family has laughed until we cried at some of the silly definitions written for some of the words in Balderdash. Board games designed for younger children teach a child to take turns and that they cannot always win. They can learn to lose graciously.

Laughter is a good medicine. King Solomon tells us in Proverbs 17:22, “A merry heart doeth good like a medicine”. Playing and laughing with our children relieves our stress as well as theirs. We sometimes forget that children, too, have stress as they seek to please their parents and teachers.

Time spent playing with children is a wonderful investment that yields dividends for eternity. Children grow up so fast! Let’s take advantage of the opportunities we have to spend time with them while we can.

 

When Children get Sick

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When Children Get Sick

 

When children get sick, as they inevitably do, we often ponder about how much to “baby” them or just how to care for them. What mother has not sat by the side of a sick child and thought, “I’d rather it were me feeling that way than my child”? It hurts us emotionally while at the same time it is hurting the child physically.

Of course, we try to do all we can to prevent that sickness in the first place. We encourage the children to wash their hands often, singing “Happy Birthday” while scrubbing with soap and warm water to make sure the hands are scrubbed long enough to get clean. We do our best to make sure the child has plenty of fruit and vegetables in the diet to provide the vitamin C and other nutrients needed to fight the germs. We try to see that the child is dressed properly for the cold weather, and we try to keep the child away from places where we know germs are present. In spite of all our care, we often feel at least a little guilt when the child gets sick as we wonder if we did all we could have done to prevent the illness.

There are actually some positive things that come from sickness. One such positive learning is that children come to realize that they are vulnerable. Many young people often feel as though they can do anything and nothing bad will ever happen. Sickness teaches a child that we each need to be careful with how we care for ourselves and the choices we make. A time of sickness in the home can become a time of bonding between family members as all pitch in and help the sick one. The sick child may learn to appreciate the love and care of others. A third benefit is a possible development of sympathy and understanding of others when they become sick. It seems that we can never truly appreciate the feelings of others until we, ourselves, have experienced what they are going through. People who seldom get sick often are impatient with those who do get sick more often.

How much care should be given to a sick child? In my opinion, we need to take advantage of this time to “coddle” the child a bit. There are, of course, occasions when this is not true. If a child starts to take advantage of the extra attention, we need to back off. When a child is truly sick, however, that child needs assurance of love and care. We need a balance of not seeming overly concerned but, at the same time, children need to know that we wish the best for them. To this day, I can remember my mom’s hand on my forehead when, as a child, I would get sick and throw up. I’m sure that hand did no physical good, but it showed that she cared. Another memory is a time when my dad brought a pretty colored ear of corn from the field for me when I had tonsillitis.

Should a child be allowed to watch TV? Yes, but only educational programs. Should a child do homework? The child should do homework only if he/she is not feeling too badly. I would not force it but would check occasionally to see if he/she feels like it, and then I would give assistance. Should a child be allowed to get up and run around? Generally, we need to allow a child to do what that child feels like doing until the temperature has been normal for at least 24 hours. Then the child probably needs to go back to school. Sometimes, medicine can make a child feel better while he/she is getting worse. This may be the case when medicine is given to treat symptoms only and the medicine does not treat the cause of the symptoms.

We probably will not do everything perfectly when our children get sick. We simply try to give proper physical and emotional care to the best of our ability and pray that the Great Physician will do whatever else is needed.

How to Explain Christmas to Children

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How to Explain Christmas to Children

 

It is easy to get so caught up in the “busyness” of Christmas and forget to take the time to sit down with children and explain why we have the observance. In addition, some adults feel incapable of coming up with the right words and explaining its meaning so children will understand. Here is a suggested way to tell children the basics of what all should know about Christmas. It may be told in one’s own words or simply read to children.

*****

When the world was created, Jesus was with God. Jesus is God’s son. God made Adam and Eve and they began to have children. Soon there were many people on earth and God told the people what he wanted them to do to worship him. He gave the Ten Commandments. He also required them to sacrifice animals to him.

The people sinned a lot. They did not follow the instructions God had given them. God decided to send his only son, Jesus, to earth to live with people and teach them the right way to live. John 3:16 in the Bible says, “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish but have everlasting life.”

Jesus came as a little baby. He was born in a stable because there was no room for Mary, his mother, and Joseph, His earthly father, anyplace else. Christmas is for celebrating the birthday of Jesus.

God sent angels to shepherds to announce the birth of Jesus. When Jesus was about two years old, some wise men saw a strange star and followed it to Jesus. They took gold, frankincense, and myrrh as gifts to him. On the way, they stopped to see King Herod who was jealous of Jesus because he had heard that Jesus was going to be a king. He wanted to kill Jesus, so he asked the wise men to come back and tell him where Jesus was. They didn’t do it. Herod ordered all little boys under the age of two killed. Joseph and Mary took Jesus to Egypt to protect him.

When the danger was over, Joseph and Mary went home. Jesus grew up helping Joseph in Joseph’s carpenter’s shop. When He was about twelve years old, he was teaching in the temple. When he was about 30 years old, he began his ministry. He told many stories to teach us the right way to live, and he healed many people. When he was about 33 years old, some people got angry with him and decided to try to do away with him. He was crucified on a cross. After three days, he came back alive. We celebrate Easter to remember his crucifixion and his coming back to life. Jesus was the last sacrifice and people didn’t have to sacrifice animals any more.

Jesus stayed on earth for a while; then, he went up to heaven. He is still alive and wants us all to believe in him and be saved. If we truly believe in him, are really sorry for our sins, and ask him to save us, he will send the Holy Spirit into our hearts, and when we die, we can live with him forever.

 

 

Knowing about the Past can Help Children with the Future

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Knowing About the Past Can Help Children with the Future

 

It is unfortunate that many children are growing up with little or no knowledge of the past. If children are knowledgeable about the past, they are more apt to appreciate what they now enjoy. In addition, parents and grandparents can be drawn closer to children as the children learn to better understand those older folks. Learning about the resourcefulness and sacrifices of the past motivates children to become more resourceful and less demanding of conveniences. The Thanksgiving season provides a good opportunity to delve into the past as we teach children about the pilgrims, the first Thanksgiving, and the early lifestyles of parents and grandparents.

Grandparents can play an important role in assisting parents tell stories from their childhood. Unfortunately, many older people seem to feel that their job is done and do not make the effort to help bring up children. Grandparents need to tell children of their happy times as well as the sad times they have experienced.

Many older grandparents lived during the Great Depression. Personally, I remember seeing a soup truck come to our little town, Verona, MO, and people line up behind it for a bowl of soup. I remember the rationing stamps we had for sugar, gas, and other things. Many children find it hard to believe that we could not have bubble gum because all the rubber was needed for tires for war equipment. Children bought saving stamps to help fund WWII. The blackout nights when everyone had to turn off their lights at a certain time for fear that enemy planes could see them and drop bombs were scary times that should be related to children.

Children find it amazing that older folks did not have computers, cell phones, and many other things they take for granted. They need to know how older folks survived without running water, electricity, and indoor plumbing. It was in my dad’s lifetime that automobiles were invented. To imagine living without these conveniences is an exercise in creative thinking.

One very important subject to cover is the role of our military in securing our freedom. We are fortunate to live in an area where much attention is paid to our men and women who have fought for us. The Veteran’s Museum is an excellent place to take children.

Great books are available in local libraries to read to children about Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, many schools are not including much about how this country got started. Teachers are so pressed to cover certain things that they often do not have the time to adequately cover this topic.

Making sure that children are taken to places to learn about the past and telling stories from the past go a long way in developing understanding and right attitudes in children. The attitude of gratitude and resourcefulness become bricks in the foundation that children need to face the future.

Fostering an Attitude of Gratitude

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Fostering an Attitude of Gratitude

 

It is not easy to get children to experience a genuine attitude of gratitude. Many children do not know what it means to do without things they need or want. Even though some children in poverty do not have as much as others, they often pick up an attitude of entitlement from parents or others. Unfortunately, that attitude of entitlement seems to permeate our current society. Rather than be thankful for what they have, people often become angry that someone else doesn’t see to it that they have more.

We need to start with children to help them be truly thankful for what they have. Will telling them to be thankful cause them to be thankful? Probably not. As with most of the things we teach children, experience is the best teacher. I can still hear my mom saying, “We never miss the water ‘til the well runs dry.” How true! In light of this truth, we may need to institute what may seem to be some drastic measures to help children appreciate what they have. However, these activities can be games that the family plays and be fun experiences that will be remembered for years. Here are some suggestions for one or more activities as needed:

  • Choose a day when there are no important trips that have to be made. Pretend that the family vehicles will not start, so that there is no way to travel by automobile. Everyone must either stay home or walk. No one is allowed to car pool.
  • It will not hurt the family to go a day without food unless there are

medical situations requiring they not do so. Some families have

been known to schedule a day of fasting each week and give the

money that would have been spent on food to charity.

  • Take away all means of communication with the outside. No cell phones may be used and other phones can be hidden.
  • Turn off the electricity for a day or so. (Some have already experienced this during ice storms.)
  • If you have a fireplace, on a cold day turn off the furnace. Use only the fireplace for heat.
  • Make arrangements for teens to go on mission trips to a foreign country with a church group. Teens who do this are never the same again.

None of these activities will really hurt the children and will help them to truly appreciate the things they had to do without. Of course, health situations may prevent the use of some of the ideas, but perhaps others can be substituted. Perhaps none of them or just one of them is needed to help children learn to appreciate. Parents can be very creative in getting the point across that we need to be thankful for what we have.

What to Tell Kids about Elections

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What to Tell Kids About Elections

When elections come around, it seems there is always talk about untruthfulness. There are many derogatory remarks from some candidates about others. It seems to happen in all elections, but some are worse than others. What do we tell our children when they hear these things and even worse things about people under investigation for breaking the law, while they are telling us to uphold the law? It certainly presents a challenge! We try to teach our children to be good citizens while our officials are not showing proper examples.
We should always tell our children the truth. In some cases, we may need to limit what is told, but whatever is told should be the truth. Following is what I might tell my children if they were still young:

Our country was founded on Biblical principles. Our constitution and laws are based on the Ten Commandments. There is even a relief of Moses bringing the Ten Commandments down from the mountain on the front of our Supreme Court Building in Washington, D.C. We have a constitution that we can be proud of and God has blessed our country for more than 200 years.
Our country has some problems. Those problems are not because of our constitution, but because some of our elected people haven’t followed the constitution and laws. When we go vote, we should do our best to vote for the people who we believe will follow our constitution. It is hard to know the right ones and some times there may be none that are really what we would want. In those cases, we do our best to find out all we can and vote for the one who is better, but still not perfect.
One of the nice things about our constitution is that it was set up with checks and balances. Our founding fathers designed it so that no one person has too much power. We have three branches of the government. The president is in the executive branch. The congress, made up of the Senate and House of Representatives, is the legislative branch. The courts and law enforcement is the judicial branch. Each has ways of checking the power of the others, This way, if one does something wrong, the others can do things to correct the wrong.
In being a good citizen, as in all things, we each are responsible for doing the best we can do. In the end, we are not judged by how the actions of others have affected us, but rather whether we did right or wrong. We are supposed to respect those in office, but we don’t have to agree with them. What the Bible says is more important than what any person says or does.

Telling is not Teaching

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Telling is Not Teaching

 

We often make the mistake of thinking that our task of rearing children is finished if we simply tell a child what is right or wrong. That is not true. When we tell a child something, it simply opens the subject for debate. Immediately the child begins thinking, “Is that person right or am I right?” Often, the child goes on the defensive to defend his/her own opinion.

What, then, are we to do? Our objective is to get the child to come to the right conclusion in his/her own mind. How do we do this? One of the best ways is to ask questions that ultimately lead the child to figure out the best way to go. Carefully framed questions stimulate thinking and help the child to see all angles of a matter. It is not until the child has come to the proper conclusion in his/her own mind that learning has truly taken place.

Here is an example:

I was visiting my daughter’s family one time when my grandson asked his mother if he could do something. She did not answer him “yes” or “no”. Instead, she said, “Let’s think about that a minute. How do you think the other person will feel if you do that? How will the other children around him feel? What will his parents think? How will you feel after you have done it?” My grandson thought for a moment and then said, “I guess I had better not do that.”

It is only what any person truly believes that affects actions. We can force children to do what is right in our own eyes, but when they get old enough to determine their own destiny, they will act according to what they truly believe. There are times when we must force a child for his own safety or well-being, but forcing usually breeds resentment and a feeling of “I’ll get even”. Our teaching should be geared to helping a child understand reasons.

Sometimes discussing the results of another person’s actions helps a child understand outcomes of certain behaviors. We need to take care not to foster gossip, but again simply ask questions. One might say, “Why do you think that happened?” or “Do you think there was a better way that _________ could have handled that situation?” This gives a real life situation that will have meaning to the child.

Stories provide a way of helping children learn. That is one reason why discussion is so very important when reading to a child. It is amazing how many times a story can be read or heard without a clue as to the lesson being taught. Discussion brings out the lessons. Horton Hatches the Egg by Dr. Seuss is an excellent book to discuss responsibility with young children.  Aesop’s Fables are still wonderful for children.

We fall way short of our duty when we stop at simply telling a child what to do.

 

Note: More ideas for teaching children proper behavior are available in my books,  Let the Children Come and Children, Come to Me now available at most bookstores or on Amazon.com.  I have copies available as well.

 

 

Do our Children have the “Know How”?

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Do our Children have the “Know How”?

There are many simple, basic things that we often take for granted that children will learn on their own. That may be true when they live in a culture where everyone is well-mannered, thrifty, and hard-working. Today’s culture, unfortunately, is not a culture where children always pick up acceptable behavior. We can’t expect our children to know what they haven’t been taught.
Recently, I noticed some children jump up on some chairs and start running around a classroom on chairs. I thought to myself, “Don’t those children know better than to do that?” Apparently, they had never been taught not to put their feet on furniture. I began to think about other common things we often assume that children know.

Do our children know…

…to close the refrigerator door right away?
…to not stand with a door open letting cold or hot air in the room?
…to turn off lights and machines when not in use?
…to say please, excuse me, thank you, and I’m sorry?
…when running is not appropriate?
…not to bump into older people?
…to make eye contact when someone is talking and to keep quiet during that time? (It is not possible to listen to someone else and talk at the same time; ears and mouths don’t work well together. Our minds are thinking about what we are seeing.)
…not to interrupt when someone else is talking?
…to greet someone when they walk into a room?
…to answer when asked a question?
…to greet someone when introduced?
…not to waste anything?
…to smile?
…to refrain from asking embarrassing questions?
…not to eavesdrop?
…to keep the voice at a low volume in appropriate places?
…to let others go first?
…to eat what is presented to them when a guest, or to quietly leave it on the plate and not say anything to insult the hostess?
…to give a compliment?
…to speak when spoken to?
…to open doors for older people?

These may seem like common, ordinary things for a child to know and, actually, they are. Quite often, however, adults may think a child knows these things when the child has not learned them. The basis of all good manners is kindness and consideration of others. With the attitude of kindness and consideration, many of these actions do, indeed, take care of themselves, but we need to make sure the children learn them.