Category Archives: counseling

The Language of Love

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Train up a child…

 

The Language of Touch

 

Recently, our three-year-old grandson came climbing up on the couch to sit by me to play with my ipad. I reached down and helped his little squirming body up beside me.  As he snuggled in close, I bent over and kissed the top of his head.  I was surprised when his little hand came up to the front of my shoulder and gave me four soft, gentle, little love pats.  We both felt loved by the other!

It is often the touch of bodies that speak louder than any words.  Touch can tell a child of the love and encouragement from others, but it can also tell of feelings such as anger, impatience, or frustration.

When parents or teachers get angry, it is a real temptation to vent those feelings on children who cannot retaliate.  Adults have been seen to jerk a child out of a car or pick up a child and plop the little one down with too much force.  It is often anger that is behind many spankings, shakings, or slaps. The anger leads to frustration and impatience on the part of the adult that often leads to abuse of a child.

When a child is upset, a soft hand by an adult on the shoulder of the child can soothe and calm the hurt feelings.  When a child is feeling defeated, a little hug can be reassuring.  When a child scrapes a knee or gets hurt in another way, holding a child close says to the child that everything will be alright. Everyone loves to have a pat on the back for accomplishments. Children need hugs often from parents.  A good strong hug each morning before the child leaves for school helps the child be calm during the day.  All of these touches are illustrations of encouragement.

It is uncanny how children can read adults!  Someone has said that you can’t fool children and dogs.  I don’t know about the dogs, but I do know that we often don’t give enough credit to the way children can understand us. The way we touch children speaks volumes. We can tell them through touch that we love them easier than we can convince them with words.  When we spank too often or pull or jerk children around, we are telling them that they are a real bother to us and we wish they weren’t present. This is a terrible feeling for children to carry around.  When they do wrong and we give a hug anyway, we are telling the child that we love them in spite of their mistake.

Loving, bodily touch is so very important.  I remember an incident with our daughter when she was in first grade.  It was my habit to hug each child every morning before they went to school.  On one occasion, our daughter was upset with me and wouldn’t accept my hug.  The next morning she again refused the hug and walked slowly down the driveway.  At the end of the driveway, she turned around, came back and gave me a big hug. “Mom,” she said, “yesterday we didn’t hug and things didn’t go right all day!”

Yes, touch has a language all its own!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Unrealistic Expectations of Children Cause Problems

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Train up a child…

 

Unrealistic Expectations of Children Cause Problems

 

When we don’t expect enough of our children, they become lazy and sloppy and undisciplined.  When we expect too much of them, there are other problems that develop.  When children are expected to do more than they can produce, they may rebel, give up hope, or think they are inferior and unpleasing to others.

Only time spent with children and the love we have for them can help us know what they are capable of doing.  It is not easy to balance the expectations we have of children with their ability.  We all have high hopes for our children, but when we force them to become something they are not, it is sad to see them hurt because they cannot please us.

Much of the rebelliousness we see in children is a result of frustration on their part.  “Nobody loves me” is a common feeling that many children express.  When a child does something well, and gets praised for it, then the “blues” seem to instantly go away.

Imagine how we would feel if someone sat us at the controls of a spaceship and told us we had to fly to the moon!  Of course, we would rebel.  We know we can’t do that, so why try?  Children have a similar feeling when they are put in a situation that is beyond their ability.  Where is the logic in thinking a child will succeed in third grade work when that child cannot do first and second grade work?  Many children who are promoted in school, before they have mastered the requirements of their current grade, have the same feeling we would have when we are told we must do a job that we cannot handle.  As the child continues to be promoted on into high school, quite often that child simply gives up trying and starts acting out in rebellious ways.

Have you ever heard a child say, “What’s the use?”  That is a clue that the child is feeling hopelessness.  It is a terrible thing to be without hope. It may even lead to suicide. When our expectations are beyond the reach of our children, they see no point in trying because they know they cannot accomplish what we want of them.  When they can’t feel acceptance by their parents, they really feel badly. Often they give up trying to please their parents in even small ways because they feel the parents will not be pleased no matter what they do.

Children must feel a sense of accomplishment in order to feel a sense of worth.  Not living up to expectations of others results in a feeling of failure that is hard to overcome.  On the other hand, when children feel that they have done a job well, their morale is bolstered, they regain hope, and they feel their efforts are worthwhile.

It is so very important to expect of a child what we are sure can be accomplished, and then to require that child to perform.  Nothing succeeds like success.  Children build on successes, not failures.  All of us want to repeat those things we have done well; none of us want to tackle those things where we have failed before.  To expect more than a child can achieve is to set that child up to fail. The child is likely to give up hope of ever being able to do that thing in the future.

Restitution is an Important Part of Discipline

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Train up a child…

 

Restitution is an Important Part of Discipline

 

It seems that there is always an ideal way of doing things, and then there’s the realistic way.  Ideally, all discipline would include restitution for the wrong that has been done. Realistically, however, often there is not enough time, or even enough energy left for the parent to use, to require the guilty child to make restitution. When it can be done, there are many benefits for the child who is being corrected.

When a child is required to make restitution, that child has more time to think of the wrong done. The child who has done wrong also learns about the value of the thing that has been broken or destroyed.  When intangible values are involved, the guilty child also learns more about feelings of others and develops compassion.

Many parents think they have done their disciplinary duty with a quick verbal rebuke. Telling is not teaching.  If we want a child to learn, that child must realize the wrong in what has been done and decide that he/she does not want to do it again.  When a quick verbal, “That’s not nice; you shouldn’t have done that,” is given, the child does not really know why it wasn’t nice and will probably repeat the action.  If a child is told why it wasn’t nice and required to do something to make up for what was done, it stays in the mind longer and the learning is reinforced.  Discussion of the feelings of the person being offended is good to help the child further realize the reason for the wrong of the action.

If a child breaks something because of carelessness, that child will probably be more careful in the future if his/her allowance is used to replace the object broken.  Even if the child must simply glue something back together, or repair it another way, that is better than a simple scolding. If a child borrows something and loses it, the child should have to replace it. This may mean that the child must earn money. By doing so, the child learns the monetary value of the object lost.

When a child says something unkind to or about another child, the offending child should be required to say something good about that same person.  At one time, while teaching, I required students to write three good things about a person of whom they had spoken unkindly.  They learn by doing this that there is good in all people and they should make it a practice of looking for good in others..  In such cases, it is always a good idea to go back to the golden rule and ask the child, “How would you feel if someone did that to you?”  Children should be taught to treat others as they want to be treated.

There is almost always some way that a child can try to make restitution for wrongdoing and we, as parents and teachers, need to look for those ways and require children to try to make up for what they have done.  This is far more effective that most spankings and verbal lectures.  The children will remember longer why something shouldn’t be done.  They will think more before they act and probably be far more considerate of feelings of others.

 

Design Discipline to the Situation

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Train up a child…

 

Design Discipline to the Situation

 

It seems that many people think that spanking is a cure for every problem observed in a child.  On the other hand, there are those who think that children should never be spanked.  In my opinion, there are times when a spanking may be required; however, there are many other methods of discipline that should also be considered.

My observations lead me to believe that many parents who are quick to spank do so for some invalid reasons. Some will say, “That’s the way I was raised and it worked with me!”  Others may spank simply because they feel they must do something and don’t know (or try to find out) anything else to do.  Some may spank because it is quick and easy and they can convince themselves they have been a good parent because they corrected their child.

Children may not be like their parents and may not require the same discipline.  They certainly live in a different environment with different temptations.  In many cases, spanking a child simply does not work.  As soon as the spanking is over, the child may forget and repeat the action.  Unless a child decides in his/her own mind about right or wrong, that child will probably repeat the action.  Discipline should lead to self-discipline.  Telling is not teaching.  We need to convince children of right and wrong by helping them understand the reasoning behind the rule.

If we don’t spank, what can we do?  Teachers have been creative in discipline since spanking has been prohibited in most schools.  One principal said that he carried his cell phone with him in a classroom and when he saw a child do something especially nice, he said, “You really did a good job! What is your dad’s cell phone number? I would like to call him and tell him what a good job you did!”  He makes the calls on the spot so the class can hear what he says.  He tells the dad what the child did.  The child feels great, the dad feels great, and the whole class is thinking, “Maybe if I do a good job, someone will call my parents!”  The whole class works harder and not only do they realize how easy it is to get a compliment, but in the back of their minds they realize how easy it would be for the teacher or principal to call the parents if they misbehave!

Something that would have a much more lasting effect than a spanking of an older student would be to require a parent to attend class with a son or daughter for a time if the student is unruly.  The embarrassment would hurt far more than any spanking. Parents would probably have to come only a few times!  Other students are sure to watch their steps so it doesn’t happen to them.  Parents would really scold the child so they didn’t have to lose a day’s work again!

If we care enough for children, we will try to understand their behavior and tailor our discipline to their needs to change their thinking.  We need to use any leverage we have such as taking away cell phones, car keys, restricting from activities, etc.  We certainly should not think that one method of discipline fits every circumstance.

Bullies Need Help

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Train up a child…

 

Bullies Need Help

 

When a child is bullied, our first impulse is to immediately do something to the bully.  Rightfully so, the bully should be stopped even if it means using physical restraint or a good hard spanking.  But, if we stop there, we have not corrected the real problem. It is somewhat like cutting off the top of a weed when we garden instead of pulling it up from the root.  If we just cut off the top, the weed is sure to grow back.  If we pull it up by the roots, that is the end of the weed.

When we stop the bullying for the moment, we are just cutting the top off of the weed, so to speak. We need to get to the root of the problem by trying to determine the cause of the bullying.  If we do not do this, the desire remains to continue the unacceptable behavior.  If the desire is not stopped, these children become good candidates for future prison inmates, and many more people get bullied down the road.

Since most bullying stems from how children are raised at home, we really cannot depend on the home to change the child unless there is some sort of help for the family.  This means that a great deal of the responsibility falls on the school or church.  This is unfortunate since the school personnel already have their hands full with so many other things that are required of them.  There is a program for intervening with “at-risk” children. It would seem that bullying is certainly an indication of an “at-risk” child. Hats off to our schools for efforts made in this direction. School counselors and other staff have their hands full when it comes to working with children who want to hurt others.

Too often, the child who bullies is ostracized from the rest of society.  This simply makes the child want to bully all the more. These children want to “lash out” at people who, in their eyes, don’t like them. In truth, the bully may be in far more danger than the victim.  Bullies are left with little hope when society turns its back on them while victims are pitied and coddled and encouraged.  Tough love requires that we stand ready to forgive and at the same time stand firm on not accepting bad behavior. Bullies need love as much, or perhaps even more, than those bullied. This is not an easy thing to do, but we must rise up to loving bullies if we are to help them find a better way to relate to people. Loving does not mean acceptance of bad behavior.  We can love a person without liking what a person does. It takes a certain amount of maturity to be able to do so.  That level of maturity is required to be a good parent or teacher.

Working with bullies may sound like a very complicated job, but it simply comes down to loving all people, being firm, and doing our best to understand the “why” of actions.  Once we understand why a child behaves in the way that child has chosen, we can start to work on the root of the problem. We cannot expect children to act like adults until they are taught to do so.  Of course, we do not want to let our sympathy for a bully be greater than our sympathy for the victim, but we can sympathize with both and try to help both to be able to cope with situations where respect of an individual’s rights have been violated.  By doing so, we are more apt to prevent problems in the future.

 

 

Knowing Why Makes Obeying Easier

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Train up a child…

 

Knowing Why Makes Obeying Easier

 

When a child understands why a rule is important, it is much easier for that child to obey the rule. Too often adults are inclined to simply “bark” orders to a child with no explanation whatsoever.  This leaves a child feeling somewhat like a puppet and unimportant.  In addition, the child may simply obey the command for the moment, but have no reason to continue to obey.

Taking just a few seconds to explain reasons to a child has much benefit.  When a teacher or parent explains reasons, the child feels drawn into the decision-making process and feels a part of accomplishing something important.  The child then begins to think in an analytical manner and apply the principals involved to other actions.  The child also begins to consider the feelings of others and the environmental effects.

It would seem that we adults have a tendency to think that children cannot understand a great deal, so we just skip over explanations.  Actually, children are capable of understanding and reasoning much more than we often give them credit for doing.  They are not a different species!  They may not have the experiences to grasp all that we tell them, but they can understand much and the explanations we give start them on the path to adulthood and decision making that involves others as well as self.

If a child understands that a behavior is affecting another person negatively, that same child is more apt to evaluate his/her own action in another situation as to whether it is affecting others in a good or bad way.  This is especially true when adults include in explanations such statements as, “How would you feel if someone did that to you?” Children tend to act on impulse. Explanations help children learn to think before they act.  This is part of growing up.

When adults take the time to explain reasons, a feeling of teamwork is often established.  Children feel as though the adult considers them important when that adult takes the time to explain reasons.  This takes away some of the rebellious attitude often encountered in forcing a child to obey.  They begin to feel part of a bigger cause than just self. The children take on a feeling of responsibility for accomplishing that cause and are more apt to continue the proper action when away from the adult.

It is good to remember that telling is not teaching.  Unless a child takes something to heart and applies it to everyday actions, that child has not really learned that thing.  Our goal is to develop adults who act properly out of desire to do so, not simply because they have been told they should.  Without explanations, what has been told simply does not stay with the child.  We want adults that consider the feelings of those around them and act in such ways as to get along in society.  We will not accomplish this goal unless children learn reasons for good behavior.

The Cost of Educating our Children

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Train up a child…

 

The Cost of Educating our Children

 

An e-mail has been circulating telling the story of a teacher who opened her classes the first day in a classroom with no desks.  When the children arrived, they were all surprised.  They immediately began asking where the desks were.  She answered them by telling them that they could not have a desk unless they earned one.  Of course, they began wondering what they had to do to earn a desk.  They asked if it was a promise to do homework, to listen carefully, or just what it was they had to do to earn a desk.  At the end of the day, they were told that there was nothing at the moment they could do to earn a desk as twenty-seven veterans walked into the room each carrying a desk.  She explained that the people who had fought for our country had earned the desks for them.

Each school year thousands of dollars are spent in various schools throughout our country to educate our children.  This money, of course, comes from the taxpayers.  Most children never stop to think about the price that has been, and is being paid, for their education.  If they did have that knowledge, perhaps it would make a difference in their appreciation of the opportunity to be educated.  No doubt, many students would put more effort into studying and learning.

Would it affect children to start school by walking into a classroom and seeing price tags on all the furniture and books?  Each desk, table, chair and book could be labeled with the approximate cost of each. (Books are unbelievably expensive!) It could be announced on the speaker system, occasionally, the approximate cost of food wasted in the dining room. In addition, personal information could be blacked out of a real tax return and passed around to show students that a real, live, person had paid a certain amount for school tax. It might help to tell the children that the people paying the tax money would like to see benefit from money spent by seeing the children working hard to learn.

Undoubtedly there are those who think this learning experience would be cruel to children. Others would beg to differ. Children need to learn truth. When they are continually sheltered from truth and knowledge, what are they really learning? Isn’t it the duty of the educator to provide knowledge to students?  Shielding children from the realities of life is not preparing them for those same realities that they will someday have to face.

It is difficult, if not impossible, to truly appreciate the value of a thing when we do not know its cost. Had it not been for those brave folks who fought in World War II, we might all be speaking German instead of English.  If it were not for those who are willing to work and pay taxes, we would not have the opportunities for education that we now have.  Children need to know and understand, to the best of their ability, the high cost of their education.

 

A Teen’s First Job

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A Teen’s First Job

 

When age fourteen is reached, teens start thinking about working outside the home.  Some children start working out of the home at age ten or twelve doing lawn care or short-term similar jobs.  In my opinion, children should be kept in productive activities as early as possible depending on capabilities and safety.  At least by age fourteen children should start earning and budgeting money. Many places cannot hire someone until they are sixteen, so working at age fourteen and fifteen may require some creative thinking in figuring out ways to earn money.

A first job outside the home sets a pattern that may last a lifetime in the work habits a teen learns and that teen’s ability to take orders from supervisors. Teens also learn responsibility and the fact that many times they must work whether they feel like it or not.

Parents need to have a talk with their teens before that first job and make sure they understand the following:

  • A worker should arrive within a 15 minute time frame of the time they start work and should leave after time to get off work.
  • Workers must obey supervisors without question.
  • The worker is not the boss. The boss is the boss!
  • When instructions are not understood, ask for clarification instead of guessing and possibly doing something wrong.
  • Be loyal to the company or person for whom the work is being done.
  • Be pleasant. Do not complain.
  • Many people could have been chosen for the job and others can replace you.
  • Do not make promises you can’t or won’t keep.
  • When you make a mistake, apologize and move on. Don’t dwell on it.  Everyone makes mistakes.  If you are making a lot of mistakes, perhaps you should look for a job more suited to your abilities.
  • Make out a budget. Since there is no rent expense, a larger amount can be saved.  Ten percent should be given to charity.  Car expense should be included in a budget. Food expense should be figured closely as most teens tend to waste a lot of money on drinks and fast food.  Soft drinks have no nutritional value. Drinking water instead of soft drinks can save a lot of money.
  • If driving to work, proper care of the car is necessary.This includes oil changes as well as gas.
  • Sometimes workers lose jobs for reasons other than performance.Many businesses hire employees temporarily to avoid paying benefits.

 

Teens have a great amount of energy and vitality to offer to a job.  They can do much that older people can’t do and are a valuable resource if in the right position.  My husband and I have always told our children, “If you make money for your company, you will have a job.  If you lose money for your company, you will lose your job.”  Businesses exist for the purpose of making money.  They don’t exist for individuals.  That is the reality of life.  Unfortunately, often politics enter into whether a person has a job as well.  Sometimes friends get chosen for positions even if another deserves it.  Teens must learn that life is not fair, but they, themselves, need to be fair whether or not others are fair to them.  Much of this can be learned on a teen’s first job.

Winding Down the School Year

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Train up a child…

 

Winding Down the School Year

 

Toward the end of the school year, various attitudes surface among children.  Some children begin to slack off—much like the “senioritis” that some seniors experience.  Some children work harder to make sure they pass the final exams.  Other children seem to develop a touch of “spring fever” and their minds seem to be on the summer instead of the present time.

Parents begin to look forward to the summer.  They, too, have various attitudes.  Some parents begin to dread having the children at home all summer. Other parents begin worrying about babysitters or places to send the children to take up part of the time.  Wise parents will plan ahead to make sure that the summer is well spent for the child’s growth socially, physically, mentally, and spiritually.

Here are some general ideas to help parents plan:

Social Growth Activities:

Arrange a family get-together with relatives at least once during the summer.

Arrange a get-together with another family or two during the summer.

Enroll children in activities in the community.

Teens should be encouraged to get a job appropriate to their ability.

Physical Growth Activities:

Allow the children to sign up for a ball team, swimming team, or another group that uses physical activity.

Play with the children.

Do lake activities such as water skiing or swimming.

Mental Activities:

Make sure the children visit the local library a few times.

Encourage the children to have a one-hour quiet time each day to read or write.

Help the children make out a budget to use any money they may earn doing chores or at a job.

Take a trip out of the area. Stop at historical markers along the way.  Have maps available, or let them use electronic devices, for children to track progress on the trip.

 

Spiritual Activities:

Enroll the children in a summer church camp

Be sure to take children to church each Sunday and allow them to participate in church activities.

Take advantage of Vacation Bible School conducted by many churches,

No child likes to think that every minute has been planned for him/her.  Now is the time to sit down with the children and let them help do the planning.  Any plans should include chores to help around the house and a certain amount of routine.

It has been said that some people plan what they want to happen, others watch what happens, and still others wonder what happened.  Good parents should plan what happens and not find themselves at the end of the summer wondering what happened.

 

Poetry Holds Value for Children

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Train up a child…

 

Poetry holds Value for Children

 

Sometimes children can take a lesson to heart a little easier when it is in the form of poetry. Poetry also helps children with spelling and reading.  There are many poems available that teach moral lessons as well as helping to improve reading and spelling.

One poet who included moral truths in his writing was Edgar Guest.

His poem, “Myself”, is especially appropriate for upper elementary through high school students.

 

Myself

By Edgar A. Guest

 

I have to live with myself and so
I want to be fit for myself to know.
I want to be able as days go by,
always to look myself straight in the eye;
I don’t want to stand with the setting sun
and hate myself for the things I have done.
I don’t want to keep on a closet shelf
a lot of secrets about myself
and fool myself as I come and go
into thinking no one else will ever know
the kind of person I really am,
I don’t want to dress up myself in sham.
I want to go out with my head erect
I want to deserve all men’s respect;
but here in the struggle for fame and wealth
I want to be able to like myself.
I don’t want to look at myself and know that
I am bluster and bluff and empty show.
I never can hide myself from me;
I see what others may never see;
I know what others may never know,
I never can fool myself and so,
whatever happens I want to be
self respecting and conscience free.

 

This poem is very plain and simple to understand and takes little discussion to drive home the point that children should be very careful of their choices. There may be some vocabulary that needs to be explained such as the word, “sham”.

 

More of Guest’s poems can be found on the Internet.  You can simply research them by his name.