Category Archives: counseling

Children Need to Learn Accuracy

counseling, parenting, Raising kids, , , , , ,

Train up a child…

 

Children need to learn Accuracy

 

Have you noticed the frequency of mistakes made in business transactions?  Several folks have mentioned lately how frustrating it is to talk to persons on the phone who represent businesses. It is difficult to get clear answers to questions. Could this be happening because those people were not taught to be accurate when they were children?

If children are not taught to be accurate with their work, they grow up thinking that it is adequate to do just enough to get by.  Not only should they be taught to be accurate with work, but they also need to learn to be accurate in what they say.  Perhaps we adults are just as guilty as the children in this area. That is carrying over as an example to the ones who learn more by example than any other way.

Quite often, in our society, children are rewarded for inferior work.  With good intentions, adults often want everyone to win so no one will feel badly.  This is an unrealistic view of life.  If children think they will be rewarded whether or not they do excellent work, why would they want to strive for perfection?  There was a time in school when children were required to do work over and over until they got it right.  Now, sometimes that is still true, but often it is not.  Many children fill in blanks on papers that have been copied and do not have to write complete sentences.  If a misspelled word is close enough to the correct answer, the child is allowed to get by with it without learning to spell the word.  Many of my GED students made a capital C or S all through a paper.  When I corrected them, they responded, “That’s the way I always make my “C” (or “S”). It is obvious they were allowed to do this in school.  My response is, “You are making it wrong”.

Many times it is difficult to get a child to explain something orally. Quite often a child will say, “You know”, or “Whatever”.  They talk in half sentences expecting the listener to understand the meaning behind the few words spoken.  We shouldn’t let children get by with this.  The children should learn to say what they mean and mean what they say. The way a child talks affects the way that child writes.  Speaking and writing accurately requires clear thinking.  Being a responsible adult also requires clear thinking.

It is so easy for adults to fall into a pattern of getting down to a child’s level instead of bringing a child up to the adult level.  When this happens, we all end up thinking and acting like children.  We need to be trying to help our children become responsible adults who can express themselves accurately and do accurate written work.  Our culture of “If it feels good, do it” needs to go away and a new culture of “Do it right” needs to come to our society.

.

 

Children Deserve The Truth

counseling, parenting, Raising kids

Train up a child…

 

Children Deserve the Truth

 

Children have a difficult time discerning truth from fiction. They become confused when the adults they are supposed to respect and believe tell them things that are not true. When children are told that something they did was very good when it is not good, they tend to learn to accept mediocre work. When they are told there is a Santa or an Easter Bunny and later find out it is not true, they begin to wonder what else they have been fooled about. Children are vulnerable and when adults amuse themselves at the expense of a child, it is really unfair.

Many adults truly believe they are being kind to children to brag on them or compliment them for substandard performance. It is true that children need to be encouraged, but the encouragement should be truthful. Instead of telling children they did a wonderful job when they really didn’t, we need to select portions of the task to compliment. In this way a child is learning specifics in what is good, so they can repeat the good and eliminate the inferior. There is almost always a part of a task that is good that can be mentioned. Not everyone can be a winner in everything. It is untruthful to lead children to believe that they are all superior and doing a wonderful job. We should not be as one school that canceled an honors program because they felt it would make the other children feel badly. It is wrong, also, to act as though everyone should be honored unless each person truly deserves it.

The myths of Santa and the Easter Bunny really insult the intelligence of children. Most children are smart enough to know better, but they think that it must be true because they are supposed to believe their parents. None of us want to rob children of the fun of Christmas and Easter. This creates a dilemma for adults who want to be truthful with their children but don’t want to have their children feeling left out because all the other children are hunting Easter eggs, etc. My suggestion is to tell the children up front that Santa and the Easter Bunny are part of a game we play that really isn’t true. After telling the children the truth, simply suggest that we pretend they are real and go ahead and enjoy the fun. Children love to pretend and that is great as long as they can distinguish between what is real and what is not real. They will have just as much fun and yet feel more secure. Their minds will not be torn between knowing that what they are being told is impossible and feeling guilty for not believing their parents.

Many adults like to amuse themselves by tricking their children and laughing at them for believing what they are being told. This is taking unfair advantage of children who have been taught to respect and believe adults. Any form of teasing at the expense of a child is not a good thing. Children have very sensitive feelings and those feelings should be respected.

Old habits of teasing children may be hard to break. From the days of “snipe hunting” until now, tricks have been played on children because they are so easy to convince. We shouldn’t take advantage of their vulnerability to amuse ourselves. Doing so will cause children to have muddled ideas of good and bad as well as truth and untruthfulness. We can play pretend with the children and have just as much fun without confusing children.

 

 

Children don’t come with Lifetime Guarantees

counseling, parenting, Raising kids

Train up a child…

 

Babies don’t come with Life-time Guarantees

 

How many parents look at their newborns and think, “My baby is going to be perfect”? Probably most of us did when our children were born. Many of us thought, “If I just love my children enough, they are going to turn out to be perfect, upright, God-fearing citizens. Then, as the years pass, we begin to realize that our children are not perfect even though we may be trying very hard to be good parents and loving them very much. Why is this true?

Raising children is a little like gardening. We must start with good seed and provide plenty of nourishment. There is one big difference. Plants don’t have the ability to make choices.

It would seem that the formula for making a good adult is to start with good heredity, provide a perfect environment, and convince the child to make the right choices.

Children are born with tendencies. Some are born with problems due to no fault of their own. Some children have been harmed by botched abortions, parental drug or alcohol use, parental smoking, poor nutrition of the mother, physical harm to the mother, or other causes. Also, children are born with likes and dislikes. Children have varying likes with food and other things as well. Some children like music; some like sports. Some children like art; some children like reading. Some children like math; some children like communication studies. The list goes on and on.

It is helpful if a parent recognizes the tendencies of a child and shapes an environment to develop talents and abilities. Unfortunately, many parents try to mold a child into a likeness of self. You simply can’t make a child be completely different from the way he/she was created no more than you can change a carrot to a stalk of celery. Parents need to provide an environment that nourishes a child physically, mentally, socially, and spiritually. In doing so, the parent can have a clear conscience that every effort was made to train that child.

What about the child who got a good start and was provided a good environment, and yet that child turns out to be a real problem? Many parents tend to blame themselves forgetting that God created each of us with free will. God gave each of us the right to choose good or evil. That is why we often hear of children who grew up in a situation that many would deem deplorable, and yet those children turned out well. Ultimately, no matter what the environment provided by parents, the responsibility of acceptable behavior rests on the child.

Children are a gift from God, the Bible tells us. Sometimes they don’t seem like a gift when they don’t turn out well. We need to remember that where there is life, there is hope. Once we become a parent, parenting does not end at a certain age. We have no guarantee that our efforts will produce what we desired when the child was born, but, with God’s help, we can keep trying. Even if we think we have trained our children, they are not truly trained until they act automatically in acceptable ways. The training continues until death. We do have the promise that if we train up a child in the way he should go, he will not depart from it. We can count on that promise, but there are times along the way when a child chooses not to be trained. We must never give up.

 

 

 

Dealing with a Child’s Excuses

counseling, parenting, Raising kids

Train up a child…

 

Dealing with a Child’s Excuses

 

“Well, Mom, that water just spilled all by itself!”

That was the serious exclamation of my three-year-old niece as she sat with her little tea set on the neatly waxed and polished hardwood floor. Her little hands were gesturing out of rhythm with her words. She was so cute!

As cute as it is at times, children should not be allowed to get by with making excuses. Excuses are really lies. Children should not get by with being untruthful.

To help children learn to face reality and not make excuses, we need to first understand why they want to do so. Irregardless of the reason for doing so, using questions to help the child face facts is a way to help a child recognize the excuse. Once this is accomplished, the child needs to learn that making excuses is not a good thing to do.

Sometimes children make excuses for behavior out of fear of punishment. When a child has been disobedient, that child will often try to talk his/her way out of the punishment. Sometimes excuses are made to avoid having to do something that the child does not want to do such as homework or chores. Pride often causes children to make an excuse because the child doesn’t want someone to think that he/she cannot or did not do something. (I have heard a lot of excuses from my GED students as to why they never learned math, etc. Sometimes they say it was the teacher’s fault or some similar excuse.)

Questions are almost always better than statements when dealing with children because questions stimulate thinking. When we tell a child something, the child thinks, “Maybe that is true and maybe it isn’t!” When we ask a question, the child must think about both sides of a situation. For instance, if a child says there was no time for homework, one might ask, “What did you have to do that took all of your time?” As the child answers, take each thing and say something like, “Was that more important than homework?” Why was it more important than homework? Is it going to help you when you grow up? If you had managed your time better, could you have done your homework as well?” If enough questions are asked, the child will more than likely see the facts of the situation and realize that what was given as a reason was only an excuse.

Children need to be told that excuses are really lies. They need to be told that unless we are honest with ourselves and others, we cannot make real improvement in our lives. When children get by with excuses, they are often fooling themselves as well as others. They are missing the learning they get from facing facts and being realistic with life. They grow up thinking they can talk their way out of responsibilities. They need to realize that God does not accept excuses and even if they can fool many people, it does not work in the end. Honesty is the best policy both with others and with ourselves.

Children and Technology

counseling, parenting, Raising kids, , ,

Train up a child…

 

Children and Technology

 

Some time ago, our daughter-in-law e-mailed a video to us of our two-year- old grandson playing with an ipad and laughing and having fun with the things he was seeing on it. I was reminded again of how different it is for our children growing up in the age of technology from the times that we and our children grew up.

Since Adam and Eve, parents have needed to be flexible and make adjustments in expectations of children as inventions came about. I’m fairly sure that they never had to be quite as flexible as this generation demands. We can be thankful for so many of the new gadgets, but how do we handle all of the decisions that have to be made in using them? How can we know what to keep in education and what to change? How can we teach the proper use of those many new things we have available?

When the calculator came along, many thought that children no longer needed to be taught basic math. When spell check came on the computer, some thought we no longer needed to teach spelling. When the Internet came, many said that we no longer needed to teach history and dates of happenings in history because you could always look up whatever you needed when you needed it. Home economics was done away with in schools because no one needed to sew because it could be done in mass in factories, and cooking was so much easier with packaged foods, etc. Many things have been done away with because of new inventions. Were all of these decisions the right decisions?

When deciding to change old ways, we need to consider each thing in light of its benefits. When children learn math, for instance, they learn not only the math involved, but they learn mental discipline as well. They learn decision-making and cautiousness. When we read a math problem, we must be very careful, so we will not overlook a pertinent detail. Children do not learn this on the calculator. Unless these values can be taught another way, children should still be taught basic math. Spell check is wonderful on the computer, but it does not catch many errors. Children learn visual discrimination and phonics in spelling that affect their reading ability. Without good visual discrimination in reading, children cannot do punctuation correctly.

When the automobile was invented, I wonder how many people thought we should keep using the horse and buggy. It is natural and right that we should want to use whatever we can to accomplish the most that is possible. It would be foolish to not take advantage of the wonderful things we have available to us. It would be just as foolish to “throw the baby out with the bath water”. Change needs to be made cautiously. Children should be taught to use the new inventions for good, not just for ease of effort or entertainment.

Of one thing we can be certain. Our emotions and Spiritual needs do not change. Evil and good continue to exist in abundance. Right and wrong actions do not change; only the tools we use change. God grants wisdom to those who ask for it. Today’s technology and the change that is coming with it require lots and lots of wisdom!

 

Can we Prepare our Children for Future America?

counseling, High School seniors, parenting, Raising kids, , , ,

Train up a child…

Can we Prepare our Children for Future America?

It is a very short time until our children will be grown and voting citizens. Are we adequately preparing them for that time? America has changed a great deal in recent years and is changing every day.
Our children have much they will need to deal with very soon. They will need to learn to live in a very racially diversified nation. They will live in a nation even more in debt than at the moment. They will enjoy even more technology, but at the same time, that technology makes enemies nearer. The Pacific and Atlantic oceans will no longer be the great shields they have been in the past.
With children streaming across our border, we must face the fact that many will probably remain here whether or not we would wish it so. They will grow up and compete for jobs and affect the way our schools teach. They will practice their own religion, or no religion. They may bring diseases our country has never dealt with before. Border agents tell us that drug cartels are sending drugs across the border. This means the use of more drugs in society. In many areas of the country, the white race is already a minority. Children will need to accept other races of people, and hopefully do so without giving up Christian principles.
The debt of our nation is mind-boggling. We are becoming more and more vulnerable to those nations from whom we are borrowing money. Not only that, we can no longer afford to wage war as we have been able to do, nor do we have the money to help others as in the past. Social programs have been continuing as our nation borrows and prints more money. Some of those programs may have to stop. This means that our children must be educated in such a way as to get jobs to be self-supporting. Our children will possibly have to do without much that they now enjoy. They will need to learn the difference between needs and wants and how to use money wisely.
The power grids in certain parts of our country have already experienced cyber attacks. Technology is such even now that people overseas can hack into our computers and steal our personal information. Certain countries have sworn to wipe us off the face of the map with missiles or bombs that can reach us.
Not a pretty picture for our children!! What can we do to prepare them? The truth is that we cannot totally prepare them. What we can do is to give them a good Spiritual foundation by teaching the Scripture and the value of the Bible and prayer. We must give them a good basic education and help them become problem-solvers. We need to teach them to stand their ground in a loving way. They must learn to be thrifty, hard workers, and resourceful. They cannot do this and always be physically comfortable. They must learn to sacrifice self pleasure when the situation warrants doing so.
What a task we have as adults to prepare our children for future America! The future is upon us!

Raising Compassionate Children

counseling, parenting, Raising kids, , , , , , ,

Train up a child…

 

Raising Compassionate Children

 

People who are compassionate do not want to hurt others. The bullying, murdering, and gossiping in the world would not exist if everyone were compassionate and truly cared for the feelings of others.

How can we help our children learn to be compassionate and grow up caring for the feelings of others? We need to start very early in their lives by fostering sympathy in tragic situations, giving practice in doing nice things for others, and setting the example of showing compassion.

Even very young toddlers can respond to exclamations they hear from others. A person can exclaim, “Poor puppy! He is hurt!” Such phrases and tone of voice instills in a small child a feeling of compassion. Finding a bird with a broken wing and nursing it is an example of showing compassion. Feeding a stray cat or dog is also an example of showing compassion.

As children grow older, taking part in programs such as Wounded Warrior certainly can make a lasting impression on a teen. Gathering items for the homeless or persons who are victims of disasters can be of benefit not only to the organization, but also to the participants. Disabled Veterans is another organization needing help where children can experience compassion. Many teens take part in serving Thanksgiving dinners to those who are alone on the holiday. Churches sponsor mission trips for teens to help on an Indian reservation or in a city to foster an understanding of the needs of others.

It is too easy for us to get involved in our own world and forget those around us. When we pull back from others and think only of ourselves, we lose compassion for others. Older adults should set the example of showing compassion through example in both word and deed.

The opposite of compassion is selfishness. We wonder why our young people do such terrible things that we hear almost daily on the news. One reason is that there is no feeling of compassion in those doing the injustice. Children become desensitized to violence. Violence is so commonplace that children almost take it for granted as a part of life, not realizing the hurt and pain the victims suffer. Some children have a difficult time separating fiction from reality. When they see so much violence on TV or in video games with no consequences for that violence, they become detached from the reality of pain and suffering. It is up to the parents, grandparents, church workers, and school workers to help make sure that the children understand the reality of the consequences of violence.

The brains of teenagers are not fully developed to understand risk. They often act on impulse without thinking through the consequences of their behavior. If we can instill a feeling of compassion in our children when they are young, when the chance for violence comes to the child, that child will automatically feel compassion and resist the hurting of others. Without compassion, there is no understanding of the hurt they may cause.

One of the most important things we can do to counteract the violence in our culture is to instill compassion in our children.

Words to Encourage a Child

counseling, parenting, Raising kids

Train up a child…

 

Words to Encourage a Child

 

Words are so powerful! Our grandson’s kindergarten teacher sent home with each child a list of words and phrases parents can use to encourage their children. It is too good not to share. Here are simple words and phrases to use by those who work with children:

 

Wow * Way To Go * Super * Outstanding * Excellent * Great * Good * Neat * Well Done * Remarkable * I Knew You Could Do It * I’m Proud Of You * Fantastic * Nice Work * Looking Good * You’re On Top Of it * Now You’re Flying * Beautiful * You’re Catching On * Now You’ve Got It * Incredible * Bravo * Fantastic * Hurray For You * You’re On Target * You’re On Your Way * How Nice * How Smart * Good Job * That’s Incredible * Hot Dog * Dynamite * Nothing Can Stop You Now * Good For You * I Like It * You’re A Winner * Remarkable Job * Beautiful Work * Precious * Great Discovery * You’ve Discovered The Secret * You Figured It Out * Hip, Hip Hurray * Bingo * Magnificent * Marvelous * Terrific * You’re Important * Phenomenal * You’re Sensational * Super Work * Creative Job * Super Job * Fantastic Job * Exceptional Performance * You’re A Real Trooper * You Are Responsible * You Are Exciting * You Learned it Right * What An Imagination * What A Good Listener * You Are Growing Up * You Tried Hard * You Care * Beautiful Sharing * Outstanding Performance * You’re A Good Friend * I Trust You * You’re Important * You Mean A Lot To Me * You Make Me Happy * You Belong * You’ve Got A Friend * You Brighten My Day * I Respect You * You Mean The World To Me * That’s Correct * You’re A Joy * You’re A Treasure * You’re Wonderful * You’re Awesome * You Made My Day * That’s The Best * A Big Hug * A Big Kiss * I Love You * Keep Up The Good Work *

 

We should never overlook an opportunity to praise children; however, all praise should be genuine. Kids are quick to catch on when someone is faking it. They know when someone is sincere. A smile is worth many words. When talking to a child, tone of voice and body language are as important as the words chosen. It’s surprising how children relax and get to work when they are truly praised. They will show such body language as relaxed shoulders, big smiles, scooting around in their chair, or even a big hug. Almost always, the child will immediately start working harder on the project at hand. It pays off!

 

Dealing with Negative Influences on Children

counseling, parenting, Raising kids, , , ,

Train up a child…

 

Dealing with Negative Influences on Children

 

There was a time when educators thought that a child was born as a blank page and that child became the result of the influences of its surroundings and what was put on that blank page. Now educators concede that children are born with tendencies, but the influences of the surroundings of children cannot be denied. Parents are charged with the responsibility of guarding the influences of the environment on their children.

There are many influences that can affect our children negatively. Occasionally there is a debate as to whether video games or movies can truly influence young people to be violent. Not only do these have a negative effect, but the child’s friends, and the family environment can also either positively or negatively influence children.

Millions of dollars are spent on advertisement on TV and other places to sell products, yet the same people who spend this money will often try to persuade us that media has no effect on children. If it didn’t affect the thoughts and preferences of those who watch the ads, I’m sure the people would not spend the money. Children who participate in violent media often become hardened to violence and lose a sense of compassion. The repetition of bad manners displayed and the violent behavior becomes acceptable behavior to children. In addition, the time spent on these negative influences is taking time away from any positive influence. Young people should be involved in positive learning activities to prepare them for the future.

Friends greatly influence each other. Some children are born with a tendency to lead; others are born with a tendency to follow. Parents need to encourage their children to lead others in the right direction if they have the tendency to lead. Parents need to be especially careful about the associations of children who tend to be followers. Children need to understand that true friends will not try to get them to do things that are harmful. True friends want the best for their friends and will not try to persuade them to do things that would hurt them. Parents would do well to place their children in groups of children where there are good friends to be made. Some organizations and churches provide good places to make friends.

The home environment has the strongest influence on the attitude of young people. What they hear in daily conversation and what they observe in actions molds their opinions and values. When young people feel love and acceptance at home, they are less apt to resort to drastic measures to get it elsewhere. Even if they stray from what they have been taught for a time, they tend to return to the values instilled in their young minds.

It is difficult to select proper movies or programs for children that will be beneficial to them. Focus on the Family that was started by Dr. James Dobson publishes a magazine called “Plugged In” that has commentary and help for parents in making the right choices for their children. Information can be obtained by going on their website on the Internet and simply typing in “Plugged In”. This magazine reviews and comments on movies as they become available as well as TV programs and other things affecting our young people. An informed parent is a parent more likely to protect his/her children from harmful environmental influences.

Children Need Purpose

counseling, parenting, Raising kids, , , , , , , ,

Train up a child…

 

Children Need Purpose

 

Many comments made by children show that they seem to have no purpose in their actions. Such comments as “What’s the use?” or “What difference does it make?” or “Who cares?” are indications that a child sees no real meaning in actions that may be expected of him or her.

The lack of real meaning leads to a lack of hope for a child. This in turn leads to such drastic actions that teenagers take with guns, suicide, or deliberate car accidents. Many of our young people seem to be drifting with no real purpose in their lives.

Many efforts are made by adults to entertain children thinking that if a child gets what it wants, that child will in turn produce according to the parents’ wishes. Without realizing it, parents who do this are actually bribing a child and holding the child hostage to perform as the parent wishes. This is not good. No amount of gifts, material things, or wishes granted can give a child purpose in life.

What really does work for a child is the realization that God created each of us with an individual plan for our life. When a child realizes that there is a unique plan for him/her, the child automatically feels a sense of value and curiosity to identify that plan. The child can then begin to understand that preparation to carry out that plan involves education, health, and wisdom. Goals can then be set to gain basic education, take care of health, and use wisdom in applying the education obtained.

Sadly, many young people look for a sense of achievement in video games, fun times, or various other ways. The things they try give only short-lived satisfaction and leave the child with a hollow feeling inside. That lonely, hollow feeling leads the child to continue searching for more and more thrills or activities to find meaning or purpose to their efforts. Quite often, the young person will simply give up, thinking all is hopeless or useless. The negative actions chosen then lead to failure in the eyes of self and others which in turn lead to more hopelessness and lack of purpose. The young person then begins spiraling downhill getting into deeper and deeper trouble.

What is the remedy for the hopeless child who has lack of purpose? Of course, it is to help that child find a purpose in life. This can be done by taking children to church and teaching the Bible at home. There is no substitute for parental prayer with a child. The prayers should include a request for God to reveal His plan for the child’s life. Also, the child needs to be helped in realizing his/her talents and abilities by the reinforcement of positive achievements. Parents and teachers need to point out, whenever possible, the reasons for learning certain things and for acting certain ways.

None of us likes to be expected to blindly follow rules without knowing the reasons for those rules. Children are best motivated when they can understand the purpose in doing what is expected of them, as well as the purpose of existence itself.