Category Archives: counseling

How to Help Children Plan Ahead

counseling, parenting, Raising kids, teamwork,

Train up a child…

 

How to Help Children Plan Ahead

 

My husband and I were privileged to attend a workshop on poverty at the College of the Ozarks. One of the things we learned is that people in poverty usually just think about getting through one day at a time. In light of this fact, it would seem that it is very important to teach our children to think ahead and plan for upcoming happenings.

There are at least three things involved in planning ahead. We need to know what is apt to happen in the future. We need to know what our resources are, and we need to plan ways to use those resources to meet the needs the future events will necessitate.

Fall is a good time of year to teach planning ahead. Even nature gives us illustrations as we watch animals scurry about storing food for the winter.   Scripture tells us in Proverbs 6:6-8, “Go to the ant you sluggard, consider its ways and be wise! It has no commander, no overseer or ruler, yet it stores its provisions in summer and gathers its food at harvest.”

Instead of sheltering our children from unpleasant happenings, we need to let them know the important things that are happening in the world. We need to tell them in such a way as to keep them from panicking, but at the same time letting the children know that these are things to contend with. At this time, we need to tell children about the economy of our country. Nature presents additional future events for which we should plan. The cold of winter, ice storms, and tornados are common in the Midwest. Earthquakes are common many places. When we tell children that everything is going to be all right, we are not telling the truth. If children believe this, they see no need to think ahead and plan for events.

A “sit-down” session with children is appropriate for planning ahead. It is helpful for children to write a list, if they are old enough to write, of events to plan for as well as a list of resources and the plan itself. Parents need to discuss with children the location of resources such as flashlights and candles in case the electricity goes off in a storm. Parents need to be honest about the money situation and enlist the help of the children in deciding needs versus wants. Letting the children help in preparing a budget for the family sets a good example of what they should do when they have a home of their own, and the children will feel like they are part of the family team.

The actual plans of what to do in the various events need to be reviewed occasionally. Not only should children be helped to plan with the family for natural occurrences and worldwide events, but they should also be helped to make study plans for the school year. Upcoming events in the family need to be discussed and planned ahead as well.

Discussing future events, and planning for those events, actually helps children feel more secure. It takes less time to plan ahead than it does to wait until we are in the middle of something and then try to deal with it. All in all, it just makes life go more smoothly!

 

Off to School They Go!

counseling, parenting, Raising kids

Train up a child…

 

Off to School They Go!

 

I will admit that I still choke up and get teary eyed every fall when I first see a school bus rolling along. It is an emotional time for me. It is also an emotional time for parents, teachers, grandparents, and the students themselves. Some of their emotion involves apprehension of the unknown. Some of the emotion is simply a feeling of the importance of what is happening. At a time like this, we all begin to question our ability to meet the new challenge and wonder how our past actions will affect the future.

Parents watch that bus rumble down the road and pray that their child will be up to meeting the expectations of society. Have we done what we should have done to prepare our child? How is he/she feeling? Will my child make friends? What kind of teacher will my child have? Will the teacher understand him/her and be patient? I hope the other kids will be nice to my child. I hope my child makes the right friends.

Students are wondering if they look ok and if the other kids will like them. They wonder if the teacher will be nice. Some wonder if they remember all they were supposed to learn from before. They worry that maybe they have forgotten some of the rules and some item they were supposed to bring with them. Some will dig in their backpacks to check what is there.

Teachers are busy with last minute readiness for the students to arrive. Many have butterflies in the stomach and are feeling nervous. What kind of class will I have? Will the students be well-behaved, or rude? Do I have all of my lessons prepared, or have I forgotten something? How does the room look? Will the students feel good when they walk into the room? Will my principal back me up if I have to discipline a student? Will the parents help their children succeed? Will I get along with the parents? Can I really handle this job and my home as well?

Grandparents are wondering if their grandchildren will succeed in school. What can I do to help my grandchildren? They are feeling so helpless. They are probably thinking of all the strengths and weaknesses of the grandchild and wondering if the child can overcome the weaknesses and capitalize on the strengths. Many are saying, “At least I can pray for them!”

With all of the questions and feelings running rampant, there are a few things that can help alleviate apprehensions. Parents and students can visit teachers before that first day. When the child sees the classroom and teacher on the first day of school, that child has a sense of familiarity and is not nearly so afraid. Some teachers send letters to the students before school starts telling them about the upcoming year. Rules of the school, along with consequences for breaking those rules, should be clearly written and made available to families. Parents should go over these rules with the children at home and explain their necessity. Parents can make gestures of support to teachers, letting them know that they expect their children to be disciplined and will back them up at home.

Mom and Dad, before your children walk out the door that first day of school, give them a big hug and kiss. Tell them, “Learn all you can learn. Do your best, and no matter what happens today, I will still love you when you come home!”

Children Have Real Fears

counseling, parenting, Raising kids

Train up a child…

Children Have Real Fears

As children hear talk about going back to school, many start thinking about many scary things. Will anybody like me and be my friend? Will my teacher like me? Will I be able to get my work done? Will my parents understand if I don’t make perfect grades? Will I have the right clothes? Will kids laugh at me? Will I be able to do what is expected of me?
How can parents help children deal with the many fears they have? Parents need to understand that the fears do exist. Children need help in setting priorities. Parents can assure children that they love their children no matter what happens.
Children often fear opening up about their fears! If parents can create an atmosphere where children are not afraid to confide, they can find out what fears a child may have. Right away we might say that we should talk to the children. That is good, of course, but unfortunately the children will not always tell you what is bothering them. They may not even know what is bothering them. We need to watch them closely and listen carefully to what they say for clues. They may be putting down others for making good grades. That may be a sign that they are afraid that they won’t make good grades. They may talk a lot about clothes or friends. This may indicate what is bothering them.
Parents can help with setting the priorities. They need to help the child realize that perfect grades are not necessary. It is necessary, however, to do one’s best and listen carefully to instructions. It is better to be clean and neat than to have expensive clothes. It is better to befriend someone that to have everyone be friends to self. It is better to choose friends than to have others choose self. Parents can help in setting priorities of qualities to look for in potential friends.
Parents make a mistake when they set the bar of achievement beyond a child’s capabilities. On the other hand, children need to know that not trying to do what is required will not be tolerated. The security of knowing that love of parents will never go away is a big plus in helping children. However, there is a difference in love and like. It is important to let a child know that even though love will never go away, we don’t like certain behavior. Behavior that is liked or not liked should be clearly defined.
Many discipline problems originate with fear. If we can help children deal with their fears, we will avoid much unacceptable behavior.

How to Talk so Kids can Learn

counseling, parenting, Raising kids, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Train up a child…

 

How to Talk so Kids Can Learn

 

People do not like to be yelled at! Children are people, too. Children do not like to be yelled at!

The way we talk to children greatly affects their learning. Our tone and volume of voice is very important as we relate to the little ones. We need to take the time, whenever possible, to explain and reason with children.

I have observed over the years that many parents constantly bark orders to children, often so rapidly that the children do not have time to mentally process one order before being given another. When this happens, children become resentful, confused, embarrassed, and often give up trying to obey. They may pout or act out in frustration. They hurt inside because they feel that the one yelling at them does not love them. It becomes even more confusing when, after barking orders to the children, a few minutes later that same parent may say, “I love you”. This scenario gives an untrue example of love. Love is patient. On the other hand, if we slow down, take time to let the child process instructions, and explain where needed, the child calms down, is more likely to obey, and senses love as shown through patience. Sometimes a parent will get better results to simply go to the child, put an arm around that child, and whisper instructions slowly.

Children can often understand more than we give them credit for if we take the time to give the explanations in words they understand. We forget that they do not have the same vocabulary that we have. They increase their vocabulary as we explain why we expect them to do certain things. When they have the understanding, they are more apt to act appropriately on their own when parents are not around. Many believe that if they just get their children in the habit of doing certain things that they will grow up and maintain those habits. Habits only go so far. Understanding of reasons for acting appropriately will extend the correct behavior. There comes a time in a child’s life when that child begins to question what parents have told them. If they have the basic understanding of the “whys”, they are more apt to stick with what they have been taught.

The use of questions instead of statements is so very important in helping children reason out the “whys” of behavior. Telling is not teaching! When we ask questions, a child is forced to think. Following are some examples of common questions that can be asked in various situations:

  • How would your friend feel if you told him/her that?
  • What would happen if you did that?
  • What were you thinking when you did that?
  • What do you think your friend was thinking when he/she did that?
  • Why do you want to do that?
  • How would the people around you feel if they heard you say that?

These are just general questions to help a child think through his/her actions before making a decision. They also help to develop empathy and teach decision-making.

Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish wrote a book titled, How to Talk so Kids Can Learn. I highly recommend it. It is available on Amazon.com and may also be available in your local library. Although I do not agree with everything in the book, it certainly helps us rethink how we are talking to our children.

One Daddy

counseling, parenting, Raising kids,

Train up a child…

One Daddy

My dad grew up in Eagle Rock, MO. He had a scant eighth grade education because he could only go to school when the weather was too bad to work in the field. Working in the field often meant plowing behind a team of mules. When he did go to school, the kids made fun of his bare feet by spitting on them.
Daddy’s mom died in 1926, when daddy was twenty-three years old. By that time, my dad had married my mom and they took his younger brothers to raise. Daddy worked on the railroad in Monett, Mo, for a time. He bought a piece of land outside Verona, MO, and built a house, barn, and chicken house on it. Later, he built a garage and milk house of field rock. He raised hogs and milked cows to sell the milk. He grew corn and alfalfa in fields plowed with a team of horses. He kept the farm, bought another piece of land and began farming it. He had fields of strawberries and took the strawberries on the old red truck to Monett, MO, where they were shipped out on a train.
My dad bought a building in Verona and opened a grocery store while still farming. He built a house on the back of the building and we lived in town for a time. I remember standing in front of that building, (it is still there), and watching a truck come into town, the back open up, and a man ladling soup into bowls and cups held by people lined up behind the truck.
When I was in seventh grade, my dad decided to go to church. His dad was a Pentecostal preacher, but my dad had been too busy raising five girls to think about church. Now, although still very busy, he became active in church. He taught a Sunday School class for more than twenty years. The little church bought him a chair in his old age because he couldn’t stand up long enough to teach. When he prayed, it was like he burst a hole in the ceiling with his introductory, “Almighty God”! He had a booming voice and there was no doubt as to the head of the household. My mom often reminded us of that with her, “You kids just wait ’til your daddy gets home! He’ll take care of you!” And he often did. He helped us each plant a peach tree and when we got a whipping, it was from a branch of the tree we planted.
My dad would often kneel by an old stump on the farm and his voice could be heard far away pleading to God to save his children and grandchildren. It is heartening to see how so many of those prayers have been answered.
Daddy didn’t believe in going in debt. He never bought a vehicle until he could take a load of calves or pigs to the stockyards in Springfield to get money to pay cash. He did, however, occasionally borrow a small amount. His reputation was so good that I think any one of my sisters or I could have borrowed money from that bank with few questions asked. His financial secret…”Don’t spend money unless it will make money for you”.
Daddy loved poetry and once wrote a poem that was printed in a Springfield paper. He said, “Poetry and inventin’ jes go together”. He invented a contraption to help him track bees for his beehives. He invented chicken roosts for chickens to kill mites, and a machine to take kernels out of black walnuts. He grafted a black walnut tree with English walnut. One Christmas, my gift was a quart of nut kernels from the produce of that tree.
When Daddy died, at age 84, he had saved enough money to care for my mom until she died. Then there was enough that each of my sisters and I received some.
My dad was a man who did everything with purpose and intensity. He was respected as an honest, hard-working man. When I looked at my dad lying in his casket, I thought, “Daddy, the greatest thing you did for me was to give me the assurance of where you are now.” There was no doubt in my mind that my dad had gone to be with his Lord.

Utilizing Teachable Moments

counseling, parenting, Raising kids, Teaching Children to be Truthful, , , , ,

Train up a child…

Utilizing Teachable Moments

 

We’ve all heard the expression, “It’s too late to close the gate after the horse is gone”. Well, it is much better to teach children right from wrong early in life than to wait until they have “escaped the corral” and gone in the wrong direction. Unfortunately, it seems that many parents do not think of teaching until something happens to demand their attention. They tend to react to bad situations rather than act ahead of time to prevent those situations in the first place.

There are many teachable moments in a child’s life when we can instill real truths that will last a lifetime. By instilling these attitudes early, much heartache can be avoided later. However, it takes real awareness on the part of the parents or guardians to recognize these moments when a child is most receptive to the truth being taught.

I remember remarking to my husband when I taught kindergarten, “You know, I think you could teach anything to a kindergartner if you just go about it the right way!” Five-year-olds seem to be so very eager to learn. They love their teachers and will forgive them almost anything. This whole year of life seems to be made up of teachable moments. It is such an important year!

Children will inevitably get sick at some time or another. This is probably the best time for parent and child to bond. Children learn compassion as they experience the compassion and care of others. It is at a time like this that a parent needs to hold a child, sing to the child, and perhaps tell stories, and give encouragement. Children learn so much about love at a time like this. They learn also that they are vulnerable. People who are extremely healthy sometimes have an attitude of indestructibility. Children who have been sick a lot often grow up with an attitude of humility.

When a child watches a movie with a parent, there are usually many things that happen in the movie that could stimulate conversation for discussion of correct and incorrect behavior. Events and happenings in everyday life offer many teachable moments as well. When arrests of acquaintances are made, it is appropriate to have discussions with children about the choices that person made. Help children see what the consequences of bad choices are.

At bedtime, when the children are tucked in and prayers are heard, discuss with the children choices, both good and bad, that were made that day by the child. Children are often receptive at this time and it is a time of closeness between parent and child.

Unless a parent is constantly on the lookout for teachable moments, they will be missed. Parents need to be conscious at all times of what their children are doing and thinking. It is only a caring parent who will do this. Raising children is a 24 hour task. It is tiring mentally, physically, and spiritually and means often giving up one’s social life. As a person in the autumn of life, I can tell you that when you reach this age, you will think back and say that you had those children close to you for only a short time. . When they are little, they step on your toes. When they are grown, they step on your heart. The more we take advantage of the teachable moments while they are still at home, the less they will step on our heart when they are gone away from home.

Children Need to Respect Mom

counseling, parenting, Raising kids, , , , , ,

Train up a child…

 

Children Need to Respect Mom

 

For many mothers, Mother’s Day is the favorite holiday of the year. It is so nice to be honored and hear the expressions of love and appreciation. However, in many cases, mothers are not given the respect or honor they should receive not only on Mother’s Day but also during the remainder of the year.

In order for a mother to be respected, she must do some things to earn that respect, dad needs to encourage the children to respect their mother, and a family needs to attend a church where children are taught the importance of the family and the command to honor parents.

Although we should each respect our mother whether the respect is earned or not, it is so much easier when the mother does and does not do certain things. Mothers should have the well-being of the family in her mind and heart first after love for God. A Godly woman is a woman who is filled with love as described in the 13th chapter of I Corinthians in the Bible. She is patient with her children and understands each child is unique. She needs to do her best to see that the children are getting proper food and have a clean, orderly house to live in. She needs to be an encourager. Her speech should be gentle. Mothers who use profanity and “street talk” have a hard time getting real respect from children.

Dad plays a big role in teaching children proper respect. He needs to set a good example for the children by showing respect to their mother. In addition to setting the example, he needs to require the children to always speak respectfully and to listen to the mother. Under no circumstances should he override the mother’s decision in the presence of the children. To do so indicates that he does not believe that she is capable of making right decisions for them. Children quickly pick up on this attitude and they, too, decide that she is not capable of giving them advice. If dad disagrees with mom, the issue should be settled between the two of them out of the presence of the children. When men talk down to their wives in front of the children, the children get the impression that their mother is inferior. Mother’s Day presents an opportunity for dad to work with the children to remind them to do something to show their appreciation and love for their mother.

Families who do not attend church are robbing themselves of a great deal of help. In church, the children are taught the Ten Commandments. They usually are required to memorize them. One of the commandments tells us to honor our fathers and mothers. This is not an option. God holds us responsible to obey this commandment as well as the others. It really helps to have someone outside the family teaching the children to act properly and to respect their parents. As I watch children in church recite Scripture, sing songs, and learn how to behave properly, I often feel sad to think how many children are missing out on these activities. These activities, along with camp opportunities, enhance the learning they get at school and home. They get practice in memorizing and they learn Scripture verses about acting correctly which better prepares them for life.

Although Mother’s Day comes only one time each year, we should teach children to love and respect their mothers at all times. This positive behavior should become a pattern of behavior to last a lifetime.

Teens, Proms, and Graduation

counseling, High School seniors, parenting, Raising kids, , ,

Train up a child…

 

Teens, Proms, and Graduation

 

How exciting it is for upper high school students at this time of year! So much is happening! Memories are being made that will last for life. Emotions are running rampant. During this time of excitement, students are in the spotlight and can feel really special. They have a sense of pride of their accomplishments. Both students and parents are feeling apprehension about the future and are possibly feeling some fear. It is also a time of testing—perhaps the biggest test they have faced so far in their lives.

As the parents and students work together to get the best possible clothes, get hair fixed, and make plans for these last days of school, the teens are basking in the attention they are receiving. As they walk across the platform, hear their names called, and receive the handshake, it is a moment they have longed for and dreamed of. The audience is clapping and there is a real sense of accomplishment. The teens are feeling “on cloud nine”!

After the graduation ceremony, the celebration is a test. Will the students celebrate in a socially acceptable way, or will they throw away some of the principles that their parents and teachers have tried to get across? We’ve all heard stories of seniors who get killed in car accidents caused by drinking. We have to question if those students were really ready to become responsible citizens upon the completion of twelve or more years of school and even more years of training in the home. Project Graduation is an effort to give students an acceptable way of celebrating. Hats off to those who work so hard to provide this activity and to all those who donate to help the cause, but wouldn’t it be even better if it were not needed? In some cases perhaps it is simply something nice that is done for seniors. I would like to think that this is always the case. Reality tells us otherwise.

Many parents may spend some sleepless nights after graduation, wondering how their children will behave. The old saying that young people must “sow their wild oats” seems to excuse bad behavior. Those people who hold to this philosophy are perhaps forgetting that the Bible says, “Be not deceived, God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.” (Gal. 6:7) It might be well to remind young people of this verse.

It is so important to instill real truths and desires in children when they are young, so they can pass this test at graduation and the many other tests that await the graduates. Again, there is a verse from the Bible that applies: “Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.” (Prov. 4:23) A child whose heart is right will not want to act in a wrong way. Actions come from what is truly in the heart.

 

The Easter Story for Children

counseling, parenting, Raising kids

Train up a child…

 

The Easter Story for Children

 

The Bible is a very special book and it tells us about Easter. In the Old Testament, around five hundred years before Jesus was born, the Bible tells us that a prophet said that someday Jesus would come down from heaven to earth as a baby and live here and grow up and that one day he would die. Sure enough, Jesus, the Son of God, came to earth as a little baby and was born in a manger. His mother’s name was Mary and his earthly father’s name was Joseph. We celebrate the holiday, Christmas, to honor the birth of Jesus and the holiday, Easter, to remember his death.

Jesus was a little baby just as we all were. He grew up and went to school and learned scriptures from the Old Testament. Even when he was about twelve years old, he was teaching adults in the temple about things they were wondering about.

When Jesus was about thirty years old, he went to his cousin, John, who was a preacher that had been going around telling people that Jesus was coming. He asked John to baptize him. John baptized Jesus and said that he wasn’t even worthy to untie Jesus’ sandals. He knew how important Jesus was!

Jesus began going around and telling people to believe in his father, God. He chose some men to help him. They were called disciples. They traveled together several places healing sick people and teaching about God. Jesus did many miracles. Some people who were dead, he brought back to life. He walked on water. He calmed a storm. He turned a little food into a lot of food to feed five thousand people. He told lots of stories, called parables, to teach lessons.

One day, Jesus told his disciples that one of them was going to betray him and he would be put to death. The disciples didn’t believe him. They asked who it was. Jesus told them that it was the one to whom he would hand a cup. He handed the cup to a disciple named Judas.

One night while Jesus was praying, Judas brought some people to Jesus. He had told them that the one he kissed was Jesus. He went up and kissed Jesus. They grabbed Jesus and took him away. He was to have a trial, but there was nothing really wrong that he had done. The people wanted him crucified anyway. They yelled, “Crucify him!”

Jesus was taken away and beaten and nailed to a cross. He said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” He could have called angels to save him, but he let himself die on the cross as a sacrifice for us.

On the third day, some women went to his tomb and he was not there. He had come back alive! He stayed on earth for a few days and then arose and disappeared into heaven. We celebrate Easter as the time Jesus arose from being dead. It reminds us that just as Christ rose from the dead, we will also come back alive after we die. If we are really sorry for our sins, believe that he died on the cross, and ask the Holy Spirit to come into our hearts, we will then live in heaven with him after we die.

Should we Bribe Children to Behave?

counseling, parenting, Raising kids,

Train up a child…

 

Should We Bribe Children to Behave?

 

There are times when parents become so desperate to get children to behave that they are tempted to try almost anything…even a bribe! On the way to shopping, a parent may say, “If you behave, I will buy you some candy.” Another time a parent may say, “Sit still and be quiet, and I will let you stay up late tonight.” We could go on and on with examples of bribes that parents may use.

What’s wrong with using a bribe? We need to ask ourselves whether we want a child to behave simply for what is in it for him/her, or if we want the child to behave because that is the right thing to do.

“Virtue is its own reward” is a saying from long past that still applies today. We should want children to do well because it is the right thing to do. If we use bribes, it doesn’t take long for us to run out of things that make a bribe work. The child will start wanting more and more.

I heard of a school that gave pizza to children in kindergarten who did their work. In that same school they were having trouble with older children. Could it have been that pizza was given to those children in kindergartners, and when they got older, they expected more? In that same town at another school, those who did their homework were taken to McDonald’s each Friday. A teacher told me that seldom did that school have a five-day work week because one day each week was used to fulfill the bribe. “If you do your homework, you get to go to McDonalds,” the children were told.

There are times when rewards are in order. Rewards, in my opinion, are different from bribes. Expectations need to be clearly explained to children ahead of time and the child may not even know there is a reward involved. Rewards are given when children achieve or go beyond those expectations. Rewards are given to help a child understand that in real life there is what I call the “Law of Consequences”. The “Law of Consequences” says that good behavior produces good consequences and bad behavior produces bad consequences. It would be a dull world if we never got any rewards, but they should be given carefully. Rewards for little or no effort can cause a child to grow up thinking that nothing needs to be done unless someone is ready to give a reward.

The most effective rewards are those given spontaneously. We need to be constantly observing children for extra good behavior. When we see something that the child does “extra special”, we say something like, “I’m so proud of you. You did that all by yourself without being told. That shows that you are learning to think for yourself and you are choosing the right thing to do.” Then, after giving verbal praise, it is appropriate to talk with the child about a reward.

It is surprising to learn that some studies have shown that adult workers are more satisfied with verbal praise and recognition than with salary raises. An alert parent who constantly rewards a child with recognition for good with verbal praise gets much greater results than those parents who try to bribe their children with candy or trinkets.