Category Archives: counseling

Checklist for Love

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Train up a child…

 

A Checklist for Love

 

Most of us really believe that we love others as we should. However, when we take a close look at the true definition of love, we may find ourselves falling short of where we should be in loving our children and our fellow man. Based on the 13th chapter of I Corinthians in the Bible, we can ask ourselves the following questions to see where we really stand when it comes to loving as we should.

  • Am I willing to wait when my children don’t seem to “get it” right away, or do I get impatient and start yelling at them? (Love is patient.)
  • Do I speak to my children with respect for their feelings, or do I make unreasonable demands on them? (Love is kind.)
  • Do I feel badly when the children of someone else seem to do better than my children and start putting undue pressure on my children to perform better? (Love does not envy.)
  • Do I brag to others when my children do better than theirs? (Love does not boast.)
  • Do I use good manners with my children by saying “please”, “thank you”, “excuse me”, and “I’m sorry”? (Love is not rude.)
  • Do I get angry easily with my children, or do I understand that children are of equal value to adults in God’s sight? (Love does not get angry easily.)
  • Do we forgive our children when they make mistakes or do we keep an ongoing record in our minds of what they have done wrong? (Love keeps no record of wrongs.)
  • Do I always think I am right and demand that my children not have an opinion of their own, or do I listen to their thoughts before making up my own mind? (Love is not self-seeking.)
  • Do I feel good when someone else “gets what is coming to them”, or do I feel sad that wrong was done in the first place? (Love does not delight in wrongdoing.)
  • Am I happy when my children make the right decisions and take time to praise them for the good things they have done? (Love rejoices in the truth.)
  • Do I protect my children from things that would harm them physically, mentally, spiritually, or socially? (Love protects.)

These are lofty standards to strive to attain. I suspect that no one adheres to them all the time, but we profit by knowing what is expected of us when we are commanded to love God and others. As we train our children, we need to try to set a good example. Just as we fail from time to time, so will they. We need to work as a team in continually striving to love as we should.

Patience: A Characteristic of Love

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Train up a child…

 

Patience: A Characteristic of Love

 

If asked, “Do you love your children?” most parents without hesitation would reply, “Yes, I love my children!” Most parents probably do think that they love their children. However, when we examine the true definition of love, we might find ourselves falling short in this area.

If we examine definitions of love, we find that the 13th chapter of I Corinthians in the Bible lists the qualities present when there is love. One of those qualities listed is patience.

Do we have patience with our children? In the hurry and scurry of everyday living, we can easily expect too much too soon from those around us. It is not easy to wait for children to develop skills and make decisions at their own pace. We sometimes forget that we cannot force a flower to bloom. With plants, we water, nourish, and prune but the growth comes from within the plant. So it is with children. We nourish, and prune (discipline) and provide experiences and advice, but we cannot force the child to grow. That growth comes from within the child.

Unfortunately, some parents have a fixed image in mind of what they want the child to be when he/she grows up. We have all heard of the football player who wants a son to be a football star, etc. In such a situation, the parent may be very impatient and take out his own disappointment on the child. We need to realize that certain traits are inherent in children at birth. Again, using gardening as an example, we cannot change a carrot to a radish; we can only try to develop a better carrot or radish. With children, we need to cultivate those good tendencies or skills that came with them at birth. We waste time and cause much frustration when we try to force children to be something other than what they are capable of. We need to be patient as we help them develop into what their Creator designed them for.

It is important in the matter of discipline to be able to discern the difference between a mistake and intentional belligerence. We would be naïve to think that children are born with only good intentions. Intentional belligerence requires immediate discipline. Mistakes of a child, on the other hand, require our patience and teaching. Probably every child needs admonition at one time or another. When our children are intentionally naughty, even though we must discipline them, we need to be patient in understanding that they are no different from other kids in that respect. We should never make a child feel that there is no hope for improvement. I’ve known some parents who seem to really just grind their children down until the child feels there is no hope. Our patience with them gives hope. Without hope, children may either give up or become rebellious.

We can’t expect children to be as accomplished as we are. We have several years of learning ahead of them. When they seem awkward and break things, it may be because they are growing longer arms and legs and haven’t learned to adjust to the extra size yet. When they don’t make the right decisions, it may be because they haven’t acquired all the facts and understanding they need to make those decisions.

Patience is more than a virtue. Patience is an indication of real love.

.

I

Cherish the “Sweet” Days

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Train up a child…

 

Cherish the “Sweet” Days

 

Recently in a phone conversation with our daughter-in-law, she told me that our four-year-old grandson was having a “sweet” day. She related that when they went shopping and she lifted him out of the car, he softly and gently said, “Mommy, I love you.” Later, when they were in the store and she had him by the hand, he pulled her hand to his lips and kissed it. What precious moments!

“Oh,” you say, “but it doesn’t last!” Well, actually it can last. Of course it cannot be every moment of every day that children express their love, but there can be an ongoing inner love that leads to respect of parents. This in-dwelling love should also be present in the parents for the children.

Most people would quickly bring to mind the teenage years when children so often tend to disrespect parents as they struggle to “leave the nest” and become independent. I dare say, even though there are times of friction between parent and child, the foundation can be laid that ensures that children always come back to that expression of love.

When our oldest grandson reached puberty, I called him aside and said, “Now, Dylan, you are about to become a teenager. I want you to be like your Uncle Charles. When he was in high school, he was never afraid to give me a hug no matter who was watching.” It worked. Dylan gave me hugs in front of his peers all through his teenage years. He was never afraid to show affection to his mother as well. His younger sister followed his example and also showed affection to her mom and grandparents.

A worse scenario than a teen who refuses to show affection to parents, is the grown-up who speaks sharply to aging parents or shows disdain when a parent does something that the grown-up child finds distasteful. How often have we heard, also, of the aging parent in the nursing home who receives few or no visits from adult children?

Dr. Adrian Rogers once remarked in a sermon that he would never allow his children to speak disrespectfully to their mother. He said that their mother went through much pain to bring their children into the world. As they grew, she changed their diapers and cared for them in many ways. As a father, he wanted his children to know that they owed their mother respect and that they should treat her with dignity.

Wouldn’t it be nice if everyone would love and respect everyone else? As Valentine’s Day approaches, we think of love and its meaning. Let’s teach our children that love means that we care for others whether or not they see things the same way we do. When others make their best efforts, let’s appreciate those efforts and not be judgmental and critical. There are ways of expressing our beliefs without hurting others. After all, we are all learning and growing every day. Everyone makes mistakes. The mistakes of others are no worse than our own. To love others doesn’t mean that we have to agree, but it does mean that we should be kind, patient, and longsuffering. Let us practice this love to our children as we expect them to practice it to us in return.

I know of no better description of love than that given in the 13th chapter of I Corinthians in the New Testament. It would be good if we all read this chapter often.

 

 

How to Explain Christmas to Children

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How to Explain Christmas to Children

 

It is easy to get so caught up in the “busyness” of Christmas and forget to take the time to sit down with children and explain why we have the observance. In addition, some adults feel incapable of coming up with the right words and explaining its meaning so children will understand. Here is a suggested way to tell children the basics of what all should know about Christmas. It may be told in one’s own words or simply read to children.

*****

When the world was created, Jesus was with God. Jesus is God’s son. God made Adam and Eve and they began to have children. Soon there were many people on earth and God told the people what he wanted them to do to worship him. He gave the Ten Commandments. He also required them to sacrifice animals to him.

The people sinned a lot. They did not follow the instructions God had given them. God decided to send his only son, Jesus, to earth to live with people and teach them the right way to live. John 3:16 in the Bible says, “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish but have everlasting life.”

Jesus came as a little baby. He was born in a stable because there was no room for Mary, his mother, and Joseph, His earthly father, anyplace else. Christmas is for celebrating the birthday of Jesus.

God sent angels to shepherds to announce the birth of Jesus. When Jesus was about two years old, some wise men saw a strange star and followed it to Jesus. They took gold, frankincense, and myrrh as gifts to him. On the way, they stopped to see King Herod who was jealous of Jesus because he had heard that Jesus was going to be a king. He wanted to kill Jesus, so he asked the wise men to come back and tell him where Jesus was. They didn’t do it. Herod ordered all little boys under the age of two killed. Joseph and Mary took Jesus to Egypt to protect him.

When the danger was over, Joseph and Mary went home. Jesus grew up helping Joseph in Joseph’s carpenter’s shop. When He was about twelve years old, he was teaching in the temple. When he was about 30 years old, he began his ministry. He told many stories to teach us the right way to live, and he healed many people. When he was about 33 years old, some people got angry with him and decided to try to do away with him. He was crucified on a cross. After three days, he came back alive. We celebrate Easter to remember his crucifixion and his coming back to life. Jesus was the last sacrifice and people didn’t have to sacrifice animals any more.

Jesus stayed on earth for a while; then, he went up to heaven. He is still alive and wants us all to believe in him and be saved. If we truly believe in him, are really sorry for our sins, and ask him to save us, he will send the Holy Spirit into our hearts, and when we die, we can live with him forever.

 

 

Fostering an Attitude of Gratitude

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Train up a child…

 

Fostering an Attitude of Gratitude

 

It is not easy to get children to experience a genuine attitude of gratitude. Many children do not know what it means to do without things they need or want. Even though some children in poverty do not have as much as others, they often pick up an attitude of entitlement from parents or others. Unfortunately, that attitude of entitlement seems to permeate our current society. Rather than be thankful for what they have, people often become angry that someone else doesn’t see to it that they have more.

We need to start with children to help them be truly thankful for what they have. Will telling them to be thankful cause them to be thankful? Probably not. As with most of the things we teach children, experience is the best teacher. I can still hear my mom saying, “We never miss the water ‘til the well runs dry.” How true! In light of this truth, we may need to institute what may seem to be some drastic measures to help children appreciate what they have. However, these activities can be games that the family plays and be fun experiences that will be remembered for years. Here are some suggestions for one or more activities as needed:

  • Choose a day when there are no important trips that have to be made. Pretend that the family vehicles will not start, so that there is no way to travel by automobile. Everyone must either stay home or walk. No one is allowed to car pool.
  • It will not hurt the family to go a day without food unless there are

medical situations requiring they not do so. Some families have

been known to schedule a day of fasting each week and give the

money that would have been spent on food to charity.

  • Take away all means of communication with the outside. No cell phones may be used and other phones can be hidden.
  • Turn off the electricity for a day or so. (Some have already experienced this during ice storms.)
  • If you have a fireplace, on a cold day turn off the furnace. Use only the fireplace for heat.
  • Make arrangements for teens to go on mission trips to a foreign country with a church group. Teens who do this are never the same again.

None of these activities will really hurt the children and will help them to truly appreciate the things they had to do without. Of course, health situations may prevent the use of some of the ideas, but perhaps others can be substituted. Perhaps none of them or just one of them is needed to help children learn to appreciate. Parents can be very creative in getting the point across that we need to be thankful for what we have.

What to Tell Kids about Elections

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What to Tell Kids About Elections

When elections come around, it seems there is always talk about untruthfulness. There are many derogatory remarks from some candidates about others. It seems to happen in all elections, but some are worse than others. What do we tell our children when they hear these things and even worse things about people under investigation for breaking the law, while they are telling us to uphold the law? It certainly presents a challenge! We try to teach our children to be good citizens while our officials are not showing proper examples.
We should always tell our children the truth. In some cases, we may need to limit what is told, but whatever is told should be the truth. Following is what I might tell my children if they were still young:

Our country was founded on Biblical principles. Our constitution and laws are based on the Ten Commandments. There is even a relief of Moses bringing the Ten Commandments down from the mountain on the front of our Supreme Court Building in Washington, D.C. We have a constitution that we can be proud of and God has blessed our country for more than 200 years.
Our country has some problems. Those problems are not because of our constitution, but because some of our elected people haven’t followed the constitution and laws. When we go vote, we should do our best to vote for the people who we believe will follow our constitution. It is hard to know the right ones and some times there may be none that are really what we would want. In those cases, we do our best to find out all we can and vote for the one who is better, but still not perfect.
One of the nice things about our constitution is that it was set up with checks and balances. Our founding fathers designed it so that no one person has too much power. We have three branches of the government. The president is in the executive branch. The congress, made up of the Senate and House of Representatives, is the legislative branch. The courts and law enforcement is the judicial branch. Each has ways of checking the power of the others, This way, if one does something wrong, the others can do things to correct the wrong.
In being a good citizen, as in all things, we each are responsible for doing the best we can do. In the end, we are not judged by how the actions of others have affected us, but rather whether we did right or wrong. We are supposed to respect those in office, but we don’t have to agree with them. What the Bible says is more important than what any person says or does.

Telling is not Teaching

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Train up a child…

Telling is Not Teaching

 

We often make the mistake of thinking that our task of rearing children is finished if we simply tell a child what is right or wrong. That is not true. When we tell a child something, it simply opens the subject for debate. Immediately the child begins thinking, “Is that person right or am I right?” Often, the child goes on the defensive to defend his/her own opinion.

What, then, are we to do? Our objective is to get the child to come to the right conclusion in his/her own mind. How do we do this? One of the best ways is to ask questions that ultimately lead the child to figure out the best way to go. Carefully framed questions stimulate thinking and help the child to see all angles of a matter. It is not until the child has come to the proper conclusion in his/her own mind that learning has truly taken place.

Here is an example:

I was visiting my daughter’s family one time when my grandson asked his mother if he could do something. She did not answer him “yes” or “no”. Instead, she said, “Let’s think about that a minute. How do you think the other person will feel if you do that? How will the other children around him feel? What will his parents think? How will you feel after you have done it?” My grandson thought for a moment and then said, “I guess I had better not do that.”

It is only what any person truly believes that affects actions. We can force children to do what is right in our own eyes, but when they get old enough to determine their own destiny, they will act according to what they truly believe. There are times when we must force a child for his own safety or well-being, but forcing usually breeds resentment and a feeling of “I’ll get even”. Our teaching should be geared to helping a child understand reasons.

Sometimes discussing the results of another person’s actions helps a child understand outcomes of certain behaviors. We need to take care not to foster gossip, but again simply ask questions. One might say, “Why do you think that happened?” or “Do you think there was a better way that _________ could have handled that situation?” This gives a real life situation that will have meaning to the child.

Stories provide a way of helping children learn. That is one reason why discussion is so very important when reading to a child. It is amazing how many times a story can be read or heard without a clue as to the lesson being taught. Discussion brings out the lessons. Horton Hatches the Egg by Dr. Seuss is an excellent book to discuss responsibility with young children.  Aesop’s Fables are still wonderful for children.

We fall way short of our duty when we stop at simply telling a child what to do.

 

Note: More ideas for teaching children proper behavior are available in my books,  Let the Children Come and Children, Come to Me now available at most bookstores or on Amazon.com.  I have copies available as well.

 

 

“As the Twig is Bent”

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Train up a child…

 

“As the Twig is Bent”

 

I remember an instructor in our child development class at Missouri University saying, “As the twig is bent, so grows the tree”. She went to great lengths to explain that habits that are formed in childhood last a lifetime. If left unchecked, the inclinations that a child has are reinforced through the years as the child grows. This is true for both good and bad inclinations. It is the task of the parent to “prune” those inclinations as needed. The parent needs to reinforce in positive ways the good, and do their best to eliminate the bad habits.

A common saying about children who are displaying problematic behavior is, “Don’t worry. He will grow out of it.” This may be true as relating to physical changes, but in most behavioral changes, children do not “grow out of it”. The problems, in most cases, gain strength as the child grows.

There are many examples of children growing worse when problems are left unchecked. Take, for instance, the child who throws temper tantrums. When parents give in to the child and do not correct this problem, the child grows up believing that he/she can get whatever is wanted by displaying acts of temper. Another example is the demanding child who does not learn good manners. That child becomes the adult who “railroads” through anyone or everyone to achieve wants and desires. Poor eating habits are very difficult to correct in adulthood. Many obese people are those who, as children, were allowed to eat whatever they wanted. Children who are allowed to act any way they want will not grow up respecting authority. Children who are given everything needed without having to earn anything will not grow up and suddenly say, “Oh, I can do everything for myself”. These children will always be expecting handouts.

Young people seem to have a feeling of indestructibility. They tend to think, “I’m different. That will never happen to me.” I recently talked to a man who is now an alcoholic. He said, “I made the same mistake so many other people have made. I thought it would never happen to me.” It is our duty, as parents and grandparents, to point out examples to prove that it can happen to anyone. Ultimately, each person is individually responsible for choices made, but we need to do all we can to influence those choices and help that person grow in the right direction.

My dad used pieces of string to illustrate to my sisters and me how habits get stronger and stronger. He handed us a piece of string and told us to break it. It was easy. Then he gave us two pieces of string and told us to break them. It was harder. Then he gave us three pieces of string and told us to break them all at the same time. Some of us were able to do it. By the time he got to four pieces of string, it was not possible to break them all at the same time. “That is how it is with habits,” he said. He told us that when you first do something wrong, it is much easier to stop than after you have continued to do it for a time. We understood that it is best not to form bad habits.

Raising children is somewhat like gardening. We prune, feed, and water. We guide and do our best to influence the choices our children make. When they are little, we can prevent bad choices. When they grow up, they will choose according to their own individual beliefs. Other influences in the world compete with the influence of parents. We simply try our very best and bathe our efforts with lots of prayer.

Dealing with Resentment

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Train up a Child…

 

Dealing with Resentment

 

Resentment has caused problems since the time Cain killed Abel as recorded in the Bible. Another Biblical story of Joseph and the coat of many colors is an example of resentment. Resentment and jealousy often go together. Understanding the causes of resentment, recognizing the actions resulting from resentment, and knowing how to prevent this negative feeling are important to know in rearing children.

Children often feel resentment when they feel they are not treated with respect. When actions are demanded of them without explanation, there is often an inner feeling, whether recognizable by the children or not, that they are not being respected. This is true with spouses and adults as well. Many times a demanding parent or spouse has the attitude of, “I’m right and you’d better do as I say whether you want to or not.” The child or spouse may obey out of fear of consequences, but bottled up inside is a feeling of resentment.

Children may resent siblings because they feel the parents favor a brother or sister over them. It is sad to see grown sisters and brothers who have never gotten over this resentment and cannot seem to get along with each other even in adulthood. For some reason, they resent the sibling rather than blame the parent who favored the other child. In some cases the sibling may have done nothing to cause the favoritism, yet that child gets resented.

When a child works hard to win an award and the award

is given to someone else, resentment and jealousy result along with a feeling of unfairness and distrust.

When there is resentment, it often stays bottled up inside a child and the child may act out in ways that are unacceptable. There is often an inner feeling of, “I’ll get even”. Parents who wonder why children fuss so much would do well to examine their own behavior with the children to make sure they are not showing favoritism. Parents are doing no favors to a child they “pet”. This really makes it hard for the favored one as the other children will tend to pick on the child they feel is favored.

It is important for parents to make a special effort to prepare children for the arrival of a new baby in the family. So much attention is required for a new baby that the other children often resent being left out.

Spouses who are unable to express opinions to their mates may find themselves complaining about the mate to other people. This action is often a result of resentment for not being listened to and having opinions respected.

The best way to deal with resentment is to prevent it in the first place. Parents need to make a special effort to give attention to all children and not just “grease the wheel that squeaks the loudest”. Some parents make a point of doing something special with a child each week, taking turns with the children. By doing so, each child gets his/her “place in the sun”. Whenever possible, children and spouses need to be able to express their opinions in a nice way and not be required to blindly obey.

Often we “Win the battle but lose the war” as we deal with children and spouses. It is better to have good long range results than immediate obedience that gives us temporary results with resentment.

How to Help Children Plan Ahead

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How to Help Children Plan Ahead

 

My husband and I were privileged to attend a workshop on poverty at the College of the Ozarks at one time. One of the things we learned is that people in poverty usually just think about getting through one day at a time. In light of this fact, it would seem that it is very important to teach our children to think ahead and plan for upcoming happenings.

There are at least three things involved in planning ahead. We need to know what is apt to happen in the future. We need to know what our resources are, and we need to plan ways to use those resources to meet the needs the future events will necessitate.

Fall is a good time of year to teach planning ahead. Even nature gives us illustrations as we watch animals scurry about storing food for the winter.   Scripture tells us in Proverbs 6:6-8, “Go to the ant you sluggard, consider its ways and be wise! It has no commander, no overseer or ruler, yet it stores its provisions in summer and gathers its food at harvest.”

Instead of sheltering our children from unpleasant happenings, we need to let them know the important things that are happening in the world. We need to tell them in such a way as to keep them from panicking, but at the same time letting the children know that these are things to contend with. At this time, we need to tell children about the economy of our country. Nature presents additional future events for which we should plan. The cold of winter, ice storms, and tornados are common in the Midwest. Earthquakes are common many places. When we tell children that everything is going to be all right, we are not telling the truth. If children believe this, they see no need to think ahead and plan for events.

A “sit-down” session with children is appropriate for planning ahead. It is helpful for children to write a list, if they are old enough to write, of events to plan for as well as a list of resources and the plan itself. Parents need to discuss with children the location of resources such as flashlights and candles in case the electricity goes off in a storm. Parents need to be honest about the money situation and enlist the help of the children in deciding needs versus wants. Letting the children help in preparing a budget for the family sets a good example of what they should do when they have a home of their own, and the children will feel like they are part of the family team.

The actual plans of what to do in the various events need to be reviewed occasionally. Not only should children be helped to plan with the family for natural occurrences and worldwide events, but they should also be helped to make study plans for the school year. Upcoming events in the family need to be discussed and planned ahead as well.

Discussing future events, and planning for those events, actually helps children feel more secure. It takes less time to plan ahead than it does to wait until we are in the middle of something and then try to deal with it. All in all, it just makes life go more smoothly!