Monthly Archives: December 2015

Gift-giving Develops Empathy

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Train up a child…

Gift-giving Develops Empathy

Christmas presents an opportunity to develop an important trait in children. As gifts are selected and presented, if children are involved in the process, they can develop the ability to feel and think as others feel and think.
Empathy, in a nutshell, is to be able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. It is very close to sympathy, but sympathy is usually thought of as feeling sad with someone. Empathy is the ability to feel many emotions with others, not just sadness.
Why is it important for children to develop empathy, and how does gift-giving help in the process?
Being able to share feelings with others affects actions. Quite often we hear of horrible atrocities of cruelty committed by individuals and we wonder how it could possibly happen. Could it be that the people committing the atrocities have never developed an ability to feel as their victim feels? I think so. They seem detached from the acts they are doing. A child who learns to feel with others is not as likely to do things to hurt others because they understand the feelings they are causing.
A child who can identify with the thoughts and feelings of others will have better relationships throughout life. They will be able to choose actions to please friends and, as adults, their spouses. They will have a better understanding of authority of teachers, parents, police, and bosses. They will develop the ability to figure out why people act as they do, and that leads to better understanding of others.
How does gift-giving help develop empathy? When parents work with children in selecting gifts, they can say such things as, “Do you think your sister would like this?” Discussion can follow as to why the person would or would not like a particular gift. Every question a parent asks stimulates thinking about the gift recipient. All of this leads to a better understanding of the other person. The giver begins to imagine self in the position of the person receiving the gift. A visual image emerges of the person for whom the gift is being selected and an analysis of that person follows. Soon, the giver is experiencing some of the same feelings mentally as they think the person receiving the gift is feeling. This is empathy!
On Christmas morning, the process is repeated when the gift is opened. The giver of the gift is watching the recipient to see a reaction. Are they pleased? Are they happy? What are they feeling? All of this leads to an even better understanding of the person and a greater empathy has been developed. As both feel happy about the gift, true empathy has been established.
Alert adults will watch for opportunities to help children develop empathy to ensure that they grow up with good relationships and actions that promote well-being of others.

Teach Children to Appreciate Gifts

Christmas gifts

Train up a child…

Teach Children to Appreciate Gifts

It is very disheartening to see a child throw a temper-tantrum because he/she didn’t like the gift received. Probably most people would agree that children should appreciate any gift received and accept it gracefully. As parents, grandparents, or teachers, hopefully we can help children learn how to receive a gift with gratitude and good manners.
In order to help a child appreciate a gift, we need to first understand the thinking of the child. The thinking does not excuse bad manners, but by understanding the “why”, we are more able to work with the situation. We need to teach the child to act appropriately when receiving a gift by defining correct and incorrect behavior. Children need to understand the reasons for gift-giving and practice giving as well as receiving.
Children often have the wrong ideas about receiving gifts. They may think that a gift is “owed” to them. Sometimes children already have so much that there is very little left to satisfy their expectations. Sometimes their expectations are simply too high to satisfy. Often, children do not understand the cost in time, money, and energy needed to provide a gift.
When we allow commercials on TV or other things in society influence our children too much, we are inviting an attitude of “you owe me”. Children pick up on an attitude of thinking that all parents are providing special things for their children,and their own parents are supposed to do the same. A child’s expectations are greatly influenced by their peers and society. In truth, adults are influenced greatly in this way, as well, and the attitude transfers to the children. Children may also have a false notion that all pleasure comes from the things received rather than the love behind the giving.
No matter the reasons for attitudes, children should be expected to always receive a gift graciously and be thankful to the giver of the gift. Sulking should never be allowed. Children should be required to say “thank you” and to write thank you notes. Parents may be hesitant to “spoil Christmas” by disciplining the child; nevertheless, it should be done. However, a little preparation prior to Christmas morning might prevent the problem. Talking to children ahead of time to alert them to the fact that they might not get what they want helps to prevent disappointment. The fact that they should always be thankful to the giver should also be explained ahead of time.
When children are incorporated into the family giving process, they are more aware of what is involved in gift-giving and are automatically more appreciative of the efforts of others. Many problems can be headed off before they arrive if we are alert to the thoughts and feelings of our children.

Are We Sugarcoating Wrongdoing?

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Train up a child…

Are We Sugar-Coating Wrongdoing?

Our children need a clear understanding of what is right and what is wrong. In our present society, we hear lies called “misspeaking”, “spoke out of turn”, or “bad choice of words” instead of being called a lie. When people damage the property of others they are excused because they don’t trust authority. There are innumerable examples showing that people are not clearly seeing the wrong of what they are doing. As one person said in his commentary about what has been termed a race problem in our country, “It is not a skin problem, it is a sin problem”. I agree.
It would seem that our society has turned away from many of the basic rules required for good relationships with others. I can remember my dad singing a song, as he worked around the farm, called, “You can’t do Wrong and get by”. I can still remember some of the words that have helped guide my actions through the years.
“There’s a God who’s standing at heaven’s door.
He’s looking this universe o’er.
And he sees each mortal with an all-seeing eye.
You can’t do wrong and get by.
You can’t do wrong and get by.
No matter how hard you may try.”

Of course, God is a God of love, but He is also a God of judgement. He created the world in such a way that there are always good consequences for good behavior, and bad consequences for bad behavior. Somehow, wrongdoing of children has been shrouded in the idea that God is a God of love and everything is acceptable to Him. It isn’t! He has given us clear instructions that cannot be changed simply because we do not want them to be true.
We will prevent much heartache for our children if we can get them to understand early in life that wrong is truly wrong and there are consequences to be faced when we act in a wrong way.
To laugh off as simple “mistakes” and let wrongdoing slide by is absolutely doing our children a disservice. We need to help define right and wrong in a loving and caring way.