Monthly Archives: February 2016

Teens are Risk-Takers

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Train up a child…

Teens are Risk-Takers

It is nice that we now have new research of the human brain available. It helps us to better understand why people act as they do. One example of modern research is the finding that the part of the brain dealing with risk-taking is not developed until a person is generally in the twenties. We all know that teens are still growing physically by just looking at them, but knowing this fact,that can’t be seen by just looking at them, helps us realize that teens must be watched very carefully for their own safety. When we think that our teen is fully trustworthy to be cautious, we are fooling ourselves. If they have truly learned to obey rules without questioning, they may be more trustworthy than some, but another feature of teens is that they often start questioning what they have been told in the past.
When teens are left alone to devise activities, they often come up with some really unsafe things. One example of this is called “going under”. This is a “game” that some teens have played where they put a scarf or other object around the neck and squeeze it to cut off air until the child passes out. Unfortunately, some teens do not come back.
Another “game” that was described to me while teaching GED classes was called “phishing”. In this “game”, individuals bring all kinds of pills that they can find at home in medicine cabinets or other places. They get together and put a big bowl in the center of the table and dump all the pills into the bowl and mix them up. Then they “fish” for the kind they want to take. I was told that on one occasion a girl chose all the pink pills. She decided to lie down on the couch. Everyone thought she was asleep, but when they went to wake her up to go home, she didn’t wake up.
Risk-taking carries over into driving. Perhaps that is one reason there are so many car accidents among teenage drivers. Most teenagers think, “It won’t happen to me”. Many teens have not learned to anticipate what other drivers will do. Lack of life experience leaves them lacking in understanding of behavior of others. When this is combined with risk-taking, it makes for a dangerous situation.
Risk-taking may also be a factor in teens trying alcohol, drugs, or smoking. It is during the teen years that many bad habits are formed.
Knowing that teens are risk-takers, what is the best defense for their safety? There are two things that are helpful. First of all, teach children at a young age about the dangers of the world and the importance of obeying rules to avoid those dangers whether they completely understand reasons or not. Secondly, keep teens so busy doing positive things that they don’t have time to get involved in harmful activities.
We should never think that teens are old enough to make all of their own decisions. In some ways, we don’t give teens enough positive responsibility, but in other ways we may expect way too much from them. Love never fails if it is tough love based on the description in I Cor. 13 in the Bible. We need to pray for the wisdom of Solomon to know what to do and when to do it when working with teens!

Myths about Teens

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Train up a child…

Myths about Teens

There seems to be a tendency in our society to lump all teens together as a group and assign certain characteristics to them. Many of these assigned characteristics have us shaking in our boots at the very thought of associating with teens, or, heaven forbid, working with them in a learning setting. This is unfortunate. Teens, just like everyone else, must be thought of as individuals. Many of the qualities of teens that we think are common may not be so common at all. Let’s look at a few of them.
Some would say that teens don’t like older people and that to be successful in working with them, one must be near their own age. This is definitely not true. In fact, many times teens look at older people as grandparents and they are carrying fond memories of grandparents. When I was teaching GED classes, one essay topic was to write about someone greatly respected. Over and over I received essays about grandparents and other older people. Believing this myth causes teen leaders to be chosen who are often too immature to really give them the help that is needed.
Quite often people can be heard saying that all teens are rude. This, too, is not true. The basis of all good manners is kindness and consideration of others. Some teens have been raised in families where there has been an absence of kindness, and, in this case, it often carries over in the actions of the teens. On the other hand, teens often have a keen sense of fairness, and, if in a kind environment, they want to have good manners. Many have simply never been taught good manners, but would practice good manners if they knew what to do.
A huge myth is that all teens like to have fun all the time. Many teens today are suffering hurt from broken homes and broken promises. Trying to force them to have fun goes against nature when they are hurting. It is true that they need physical exercise, but sometimes they just want to have a dependable shoulder to cry on and someone to whom they can express their hurt, fears, and concerns.
Many say that you just can’t talk to a teen. The truth is that most teens would love to have someone to talk to but feel that to do so would cause condemnation or more trouble. They have often been betrayed when they have shared secrets, so they may “clam up”. Teens can often work out their own problems if they have a good listener who knows how to interject a pertinent question now and then.
Teens need our help. They have a lot to deal with in a short period of time. We need to debunk old ideas about teens and strive to understand each as an individual in order to give the help they need.

Turning Twelve is a Big Deal

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Train up a child…
Turning Twelve is a Big Deal

A child’s twelfth birthday is a gigantic step. It is the gateway to adulthood, a time of awakening, and a fulfillment of the dream of “growing up”. Many cultures recognize this birthday for the importance associated with it. Some American Indian tribes have rituals for the children. Jewish folks celebrate Bat Mitzvah for girls. (Bar Mitzvah for boys is celebrated at age thirteen) This signifies the time that children become responsible for observing the Commandments. Age twelve is the time many places start charging adult fares. Some societies even allow marriage at this age.
Young children are often told to eat their food so they can grow up like mommy or daddy. When they actually do, don’t we sometimes wish they could stay young and innocent? At the twelfth birthday, we realize that our little ones are not babies anymore! They are facing a world—-sometimes a cruel world and sometimes a wonderful world—that is very uncertain.
What goes through the mind of a twelve-year-old? There is joy because now they are beginning to feel grown-up. There is fear of the unknown. There is some confusion and much uncertainty.
It is important to give a great deal of attention to the birthday of a twelve-year-old. Parents and others in contact with the boy/girl can use this time as a great opportunity to instill attitudes and truths. It would be great if churches had special programs for this age. Even schools could take advantage of this opportunity to have programs recognizing the fact that children are becoming adults.
When our oldest grandson was twelve, he was staying with us for the summer. We were attending a little country church with few members. We had a special program for him one Sunday evening in the church. He sat up in front of the congregation and each person in the congregation talked to him about growing up. Some read poems. Some quoted favorite Scriptures that would be helpful to him in his future. Some simply gave advice. It was a special time.
We often go to great extremes to give a one-year-old a great birthday party when he/she doesn’t even know what is going on. Shouldn’t we do even more for a twelve-year-old who is facing a big world of uncertainty and needing the assurance of the love of those adults in his/her surroundings?

Hints for Talking with your Teen

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Hints for Talking with your Teen

One of the problems in talking with teens is that we tend to talk “to” them rather than “with” them. Listening is part of a conversation with teens. We need to be good listeners, but we are being unrealistic to think that teens are always listening. Quite often they tune us out and are thinking about something entirely different from the topic we are addressing. Following are some hints for communicating with teens. None are guaranteed to work all the time, but they will work some of the time. Love of our teens gives us understanding and patience. Conversations are vital to knowing how teens are thinking and feeling. Consider these hints:

Always show respect for ideas and opinions even if they are a mile away from yours. To respect doesn’t mean that you have to agree. Be honest in telling that you do not agree, but don’t try to teach everything you know in a few minutes. Growth and understanding take time.
Ask questions that cannot be answered with yes or no. This type of question requires more talking; therefore, you get more information.
Ask the same question three times in different ways. The first time we are asked something, we usually give a casual answer. (e.g. What do you say when someone asks how you are? If they ask again, don’t you usually go into more detail.)
If possible, talk to a teen in private. When teens are in a group, they will answer to please their peers and you may not get the truth.
Try to never embarrass a teen in front of their peers.
Don’t preach. Telling is not teaching. A teen must make up his/her own mind or the learning won’t stick. Feel free to say how you feel and tell why you think as you do, or ask questions as to the reasoning of the person to have them explain their opinions. Often they will see the folly or illogic of what they are saying for themselves.
Be fair and sincere. Although teens are often unfair themselves, many are quick to recognize unfairness or lack of sincerity in others. Parents and teen workers quickly lose credibility if they are not consistent and fair.
Don’t expect more than the teen can produce. They are still growing. They are not adults and will not always act like adults. You can’t force a flower to bloom. Teach as much as they are able to handle.
Remember that Bible principles relate to teens as well as adults and they must not be given exceptions. They will reap any wild oats that they sow. They need to be told this in conversations.
Pray a lot while talking that you will say and do the right things!

Although raising teens is tough, it is worth all the effort in the end. They need much time and attention. They are a gift from God and a real trial at times to us! They often have a way of breaking down any pride we may have. That can be a good thing!

Celebrate Your Teen

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Celebrate Your Teen

Aren’t babies cute? They are so sweet and snuggly. We plan a beautiful nursery for them and make sure they have all they need for comfort. When one year is up, they get a birthday party. The same thing happens at the end of the second year. We make over them and dream about what they will become as they grow up. Much of what we do for them they do not understand and cannot appreciate. That first year birthday cake usually ends up smeared all over the baby’s face!
One day those babies become teens. Do we make over them? Do we brag about them? Do we do all we can to make sure they are comfortable and have all their needs met? Or, do we slow down on what we do for them and perhaps even turn our backs on them just hoping they will get through this time?
Why is it that when our children are babies, we spend lots of time and attention on them and yet, when they are teens when they need it the most, we do not spend so much effort on them? Am I wrong? Does our society, as a whole, pay attention to teens as we should?
Many teens are hurting. They need us, yet many people would like to leave the care of teens to someone else. “Let the school worry about them!” “Let the youth director at church keep them busy and teach them!”
We need to seize every opportunity to give teens recognition for the good things each may do. Some teens do wonderful things, although there may be times when they really “goof up”. If we are quick to notice the good and give praise, we are helping to build a bridge to take them through the “not so good” times. We definitely should not give praise unless it is deserved, but let’s not miss an opportunity to give it when it really is deserved.
Spend time with your teen. Do things with teens. Go for a coke or hamburger with just the two of you. There is something about riding in a car that stimulates a teen to open up and talk. Respect the fact that the problems your teen has are as big or bigger than yours in their eyes. Understand that teens do have real problems. Never belittle them or their problems. Show the same respect for your teen as for any other adult. Even though it is tempting to laugh at some of the problems you hear from your teen, don’t do it. Keep in mind that teens have not finished growing up and may not yet know how to explain things so we can understand. They do not always say what they mean nor mean what they say. They tend to take risks because their brains are not fully developed in the area that controls cautiousness, but also, because they do not yet know all the facts about situations. Be patient with them.
Teens don’t need added pressure. They have enough. They need someone to walk through this difficult time of transition from childhood to adulthood. Be happy for the gift from God of this teenage son or daughter and celebrate the good parts of their lives with them.