Monthly Archives: April 2016

Children are People, Too

Raising kids,

Train up a child…

“Children Are People, Too”

 

When our youngest child, Charles, was in kindergarten, his teacher posted on the door of his classroom, “Children are people, too”. At first I wondered what she was talking about. Of course, children are people, too. Then I started thinking about times when I had talked with other adults and left my children standing quietly without joining in the conversation. I began to notice other adults and how so often they would talk and forget about the children listening to everything they would say. Sometimes, parents would talk about their children while the children were standing right in front of them. It was almost as though they thought the children were deaf and did not hear their comments. I remembered a time when my husband and I had done this very thing.

When Charles was still small enough to sit on the armrest between my husband and me, (car seats for children were not required then), my husband and I were driving somewhere and having a conversation about a person we were concerned about. Charles was sitting quietly between us. Our other children were in school. We were driving along, expressing one opinion after another, when Charles suddenly spoke up and said, “Don’t forget, Mom, God hears everything you say!” I was stunned. My husband and I were not only reminded of what we had been teaching him, but we were also reminded that children hear everything we say in their presence.

When I was very young, my mom would make dresses of printed chicken-feed sacks for my sisters and me. She would starch and iron them and dress us up with ribbons in our hair. Every Saturday afternoon, she would dress us up, load up her crate of eggs, and we would go to Monett, MO to sell them. Part of this ritual was a trip to the J.C. Penney store. On one such occasion, one of my mom’s acquaintances came up to her and started talking. The lady looked down at my sisters and me and said, “Ethel, you have such pretty girls. I don’t know how you do it. They always look so nice! Every one of them is so pretty!” My four sisters and I stood there in our starched and ironed feed sack dresses feeling so very proud. As the lady said her goodbyes and started to leave, she looked down at me and said, “Now, Ethel, is this one yours, too? She doesn’t look like the rest of them!”

True, my hair was blonde, theirs was dark brown. Their hair was curly, mine was very straight. I felt so ugly! I grew up feeling like the ugly duckling!

When children are around, let’s include them in our conversations. They learn to converse as we treat them with respect and talk to them as equals. At church, shake hands with the children as though they are just as important as adults, because they are. Let’s be careful about the comments we make in the presence of children. Let’s remember, “Children are people, too.”

 

Small Steps can lead to Big Gains

Raising kids

Train up a child…

 

Small Steps Can Lead to Big Gains

 
“The longest journey starts with the first step”. How true. This philosophy can be applied to helping children set goals. It is important to set short-term goals as a beginning to the achievement of long-term goals. Parents often have the tendency to set ultimatums that overwhelm children; then, children tend to give up before they get started feeling that the task is impossible to achieve.

Nothing succeeds like success. Success breeds success; failure breeds failure. When a child feels successful, that child will want to continue actions that achieved that success. When a child experiences failure, that child will not want to continue. If we help a child set goals that are easily achievable, the child will want to set another achievable goal.

How does this work in real life? Suppose you want a small child to clean his/her bedroom. Instead of telling the child to clean the room, break the chore down in steps. Perhaps start with telling the child to make the bed. After that is accomplished, tell the child to pick up the things on the floor. Next, the child could do the dusting of one piece of furniture at a time. Finally, the floor needs to be vacuumed or swept. Add other tasks as needed until the room is nice and clean. When the child then receives praise for a clean room, he/she feels a sense of pride and accomplishment and will be more apt to do it next time. In addition, the child has been taught what is involved in cleaning a room.

Another example might involve a child learning the multiplication tables. Instead of simply telling the child to learn the tables, help the child set a goal of learning the 8’s by a certain time. Next, the child might learn the 9’s, etc. This continues until all the tables are learned.

If a child is struggling with homework, instead of simply telling the child to do the homework, a parent might say, “After this page is done, take a little break and get a glass of water or cookie.” Plan with the child by looking at how much is left to be done and dividing it up so that the child feels accomplishment along the way. After each part is done, the child might be allowed to do something to have a little break.

Still another example might be used in saving money. Discuss with the child how much money can be saved by a certain time. Make sure a special container is available for the money even if it is simply a clean jelly jar. After the first goal has been reached, reset the goal for a certain date to have saved a greater amount. It is helpful if a child has an object in mind to purchase or another plan for the money. That would be the long-range goal. The short-range goals along the way are very helpful in motivating the child to continue saving.

Almost any task can be broken down in parts to encourage and motivate children. It is good to have long-range goals as well, but the short- range goals are the stepping stones along the way.

 

 

It takes Tough Parents to have Tough Love

Raising kids

Train up a child…

It takes Tough Parents to Have Tough Love

There are many parents who are having a really difficult  time raising their older teens. Recently I read that using marijuana by teens in Canada is as common as playing soccer. Approximately 28% of young people are smoking it as compared to 23% in the U.S. This means that about one out of every five teens have tried or are using marijuana in our country. With the push for legalizing its use, it is a real challenge for parents to convince their children that it is harmful. Another complication to working with children is that many counselors say that a person must want to quit a habit or addiction before they can be helped. How can we get our children to want help??
At an early age children should be taught the harmful effects of drug use. Supply needs to be cut off. Consequences need to be adhered to and that takes tough love on the part of parents.
In spite of the promotion of marijuana by saying that it is not harmful, research shows that it is, indeed, harmful. Studies have shown that teen marijuana smokers show a loss in IQ. They are 60% less likely to finish high school or get a university degree. The researchers, mainly from Australia and New Zealand, did a study comparing people age 30 to their patterns of use before age 17. They found that those who were daily users before age 17 had an 18-times greater chance of becoming dependent on the drug. The drug also presents the risk of psychosis. It is often called a “gateway” drug. That is to say that it is the start of using even stronger and harsher drugs that may have even more harmful effects.
One has to wonder how kids can afford to get the drug. It is not cheap, I have been told. Parents can show tough love by cutting off money they are giving to their children and requiring them to account for how any money they have received is used. Parents simply must know about the friends their children have chosen and where their children are spending their time. The adolescent years are so very important; yet, it would seem that many parents start relaxing during that time and do not keep close watch on their sons and daughters. In spite of what the children say, parents need to report any illicit activity connected with drugs. No matter how hard it is, parents must take a stand to protect their children.
It is hard to discipline an older teen who may have a baby and be using drugs, but the child should be told that the Department of Social Services can take that baby if the parents are using drugs. No matter how hard it is, the parent must be tough enough to allow the child to suffer the consequences of their choices. If they end in jail, don’t bail them out. Don’t give them money unless you can track its use. Don’t be an enabler!
It may mean the shedding of many tears to get children through the teen years, but it is worth it all. Of course, prevention is much easier than correction. Parents need to be able to think ahead of their children and guard them carefully.

Why do Children Lie?

Raising kids

Train up a child…

Why do Children Lie?

When we are dealing with any problem with children, it is always helpful to try to understand what is behind that behavior. Most, if not all, children will tell a lie at some time or another, but some children seem to lie repeatedly and often. Why do they lie??
Some children tell untruths because they are afraid of the consequences of the truth. Some children try to make themselves look important. Some children are simply too lazy or don’t want to be bothered with explanations required by truth.
Children who come from homes of very strict discipline are often afraid of the consequences of things they have done. They lie, hoping that it will get them through the moment and parents will forget what they have done. If this is the case, parents need to loosen up and ensure the child that they will not be punished too severely. This does not mean that there should be no punishment. Most children expect punishment when they do wrong, but the punishment should not be so severe as to extremely frighten the child.
When children come from poverty-stricken homes or if they feel they don’t measure up to standards projected to them, they may lie to make themselves look more important. These are the children who often make up exaggerated stories of accomplishments or self-worth. Their self-esteem is so low that they try to correct it by making other people think they are better than they really feel they are. Some almost live in a fantasy world. These children need assurance of love for the way they are. If they can feel love, they don’t have to try to make themselves look like something different from who or what they are.
Some kids simply don’t want to deal with the truth. They may be busy having fun or making friends. When they are asked a question, they may simply say anything to get the parent “off their back”. These children need to be taught that it is wrong to lie. Some actually have never learned the Ten Commandments and don’t know that it is wrong to say something untrue. They take the easy road for immediate self-comfort. If the parent will stop them each time and wait for the correct answer, most children will soon learn that it is easier to tell the truth in the first place.
Most children have not learned to think ahead to realize that telling a lie may work for the moment, but will come back to haunt them later on. Older people have the experience to know this, but limited experience of young people does not provide for caution. Simply telling a child not to lie seldom works although they do need to be taught that it is wrong. It is much better to address the reasons behind the actions.