Monthly Archives: July 2016

Children Need Rules to Live By

Raising kids

Train up a child….

 

Children Need Rules to Live By

 

Children who have no rules to live by are like ships without anchors. They are insecure and restless. They are not successful in life and always seem to be seeking satisfaction and never finding it. They are not happy children and do not make happy adults. There is no certainty in their actions and they wonder if they are being accepted in society or not– and most often they are not! Parents, teachers, grandparents, and others are doing children no favors by letting them get by without obeying rules.

Rules must be appropriate and fair. There are rules that are non-negotiable, rules that are negotiable, and rules that are self-imposed.

Non-negotiable rules need to be instilled in children early, so they can be taught at a very young age that certain ways of behaving are not open for discussion or debate. Parents must determine these rules. In our house one of those rules was that children were never to hit a parent as many babies are inclined to do when they don’t get their way. Even at that young age, a parent can hold a child’s hand and firmly say, “Do not do that!” Of course, a baby will continue to try to have its way, but repeated and consistent rebukes will eventually stop the baby from trying. In addition to not hitting or sassing parents, our children grew up knowing that the family attended church regularly and that was just something we did and it was not open for debate. Other non-negotiable rules should include: not stealing, always telling the truth, not tearing up things, using proper manners at the table when eating, being polite to other people. Each set of parents will have its own set of rules. Parents can simply tell children, “There are certain things we do and certain things we do not do at our house.” It is necessary to follow up with consistency and not allow misbehavior to go unnoticed even once according to the rules that are set.

After the “absolutely must” rules are in place, other rules need to be made for the day-by-day activities. It is much easier for children to obey this type of rule when they have had a part in crafting it. Ideally, adults and children express problems and discuss ways to correct the problems. The rules are written down and placed in a prominent place for reference. If the rules deal with chores, a chart can be made for children to check off the chores as they are completed.

Many parents feel that they don’t have time to have a meeting and discussion with the children. Actually, in the long run a family meeting saves a great deal of time as well as frustration. It becomes unnecessary for the parents to keep reminding the children if the rules are written down and the chart has been checked. Whenever the parent glances at the chart, he/she can simply say, “Johnny, I see that you haven’t done your chore. When do you plan to do it?” Allowances can be withheld if chores are not completed or rules are not followed.

Patterns set in the home for rules are carried over in the personality of the child, and that child becomes a person who imposes rules on self. Children, who are accustomed to rules, understand that rules are important and they make their own rules for getting homework done or managing their relationships. Our granddaughter once told me, “You know, Nana, I always do the hard stuff first to get it out of the way and then I don’t mind doing the easy stuff.” This was a self-imposed rule that worked for her. As children do each task, they do what is called “self talk”. This “self talk” often includes self-made rules that they follow.

Knowing to follow the rules eliminates the uncertainty of what to do. Children who know and follow rules don’t have to wonder if they have done the right thing. They know that they have done the right thing, and the fact that they have acted correctly helps in building self-esteem. There is an inner peace and assurance of rightness. Not only does the child feel good about him/herself, that child will probably receive many compliments from adults and children alike, and that adds to self-esteem as well. When parents are fair and rules are fair, children learn to live by the rules in society. I have never seen a child who seemed really happy who didn’t know how to follow rules.

Children Benefit from Chores

Raising kids,

Train up a child…

 

Children Benefit from Chores

 

Many parents and grandparents search for ways to “keep kids busy” during the summer. Often the insinuation is that children must constantly be entertained and kept happy and having fun. Often overlooked is the value of having children do chores for at least a few hours each day. If a study were done of adults who did chores when young as opposed to adults who did not do chores when young, I feel confident that the more successful adults are those who had regular chores for which they were responsible as a child.

Often adults think it is much easier to do something themselves than to take the time to help a child learn to do it. This probably is true in the short term, but once a child has learned to do a chore correctly, that child can be a great deal of help. However, the real benefits are for the child rather than for the adult. The list is endless. Here are a few benefits:

  • There is no way for a child to develop self-esteem or self-worth without actually being of worth or value. When a child does a task well, that child can honestly feel good about having done something of value.
  • Children learn proper procedures for caring for belongings.
  • Children learn about the effort that goes into making or growing something. This leads to greater appreciation of the effort others make on their behalf for the things they enjoy.
  • Children get exercise when doing physical tasks. A lack of exercise can lead to depression. Physical exercise creates endorphins that fight depression.
  • Vocabulary is increased as children learn the names of tools and cleaning agents and words used in giving instructions.
  • Children learn that nothing in life is truly free. We each must work to obtain and care for wants and necessities.
  • Self-discipline is learned in tasks that may not be the most pleasant and yet must be completed. This self-discipline leads to perseverance.
  • Chores keep a child busy doing positive things when the time might otherwise be used doing things that may be harmful.
  • When a child learns the proper care of his/her belongings, that child will have more respect for the belongings of others.
  • Chores connected to gardening or the out-of-doors help children learn the names of plants and some principles they will later study in science classes dealing with botany.
  • Chores related to the care of animals help children learn compassion and understanding that carries over in their relationships with people.
  • Children learn to listen and follow instructions—a necessity for job success as an adult.

 

The list could go on and on. The benefits listed here are enough to justify adults taking the time to teach children how to do chores and to require that they be done. During the school year, children are so busy with school and homework that it is difficult to have children do very many chores. Summer is the best time for parents to concentrate on teaching those things that children need to know to care for their own home in the future. The parent who does not take advantage of this time is missing a real opportunity to shape a child.

Is Fun Highly Overrated?

Raising kids, , ,

Raising Children…

Is Fun Highly Overrated?

“Even in laughter the heart may sorrow, And the end of mirth may be grief.” Proverbs 14:13

Recently a little boy dropped out of summer school. When asked why he didn’t want to go, he said, “They told us two things. They said that it would be fun and that we wouldn’t have homework. Well, the first day they gave us a journal to take home each day and bring back, and it wasn’t fun at all while we were there.”
How often we hear parents, leaders, teachers, and others tell children, “It will be fun!” Well-meaning adults use the phrase to motivate children. Actually, it often builds up expectations to the point that nothing can match; then, children become disappointed. Perhaps it would be better to let the child decide for self whether something will be fun. Even better, perhaps fun should not be the reason for doing something.
In my concordance, the word “fun” had zero results. The Bible does not teach that the reason for doing something is to have fun. Fun may very well be the by-product of an activity, but should it be the goal?
We often forget that there are four personality types and only one of them is fun-loving. In today’s environment, the idea of fun often seems out of place when children come from broken homes or homes where drugs are used and terrible things happen. On the news, older children hear of beheadings and killings. Should we really be emphasizing the goal of fun?
As we observe our young adults entering the work force, it is troubling to see many who believe their jobs should be fun. Could that be true because fun has been emphasized so much as they were growing up? Are we shortchanging our children by over-emphasizing fun? Many jobs are not fun. Many things in life are not fun.
Fun is more fun when it just happens…not when it is expected. Summer church camps provide good clean fun for kids, but it may be better to not over-hype the fact. The same is true for church activities. We should be honest with children. Not all of the activities may be fun. Laughter is a good thing, and we certainly need laughter from time to time. It is unrealistic, however, to promote the idea that everything should be fun.
How can we motivate children if we don’t use fun as the motivating factor? There is nothing to compare to the feeling of a job well done. Honest praise is a real motivator. Praise works, however, only if it is genuine. Children can sense “phony” praise. When praise is given sparingly, it means more and encourages a child to try again.
It is easy to get into the habit of saying, “It will be fun!” Perhaps we should come up with better motivational phrases.