Monthly Archives: September 2016

A Real Balancing Act

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Train up a child…

 

A Real Balancing Act

 

“I don’t favor any one of my children. I treat them all the same!”

“I know it isn’t right, but I just can’t help being partial to John. He is so much like me and understands me!”

The above two statements reflect a parent’s understanding that one child in a family should not be favored over another child. Parents struggle with the “balancing act” of treating each child fairly.

Why is it so difficult to be fair? At the outset, we as parents and grandparents know that there are no two children the same, so how can we treat them the same? We can’t treat them the same.

Each child comes with its own set of needs. We try to meet those needs as we labor to be a good parent. Then we find that not only does each child have its own unique set of needs, but that one child might have greater needs than another. What is a parent to do?

There is one area in which a parent can be the same with each child. The parent can love each child equally. Children need to be told that they are loved equally. They need to be told that you are trying to meet their needs but that their needs vary. Let them understand as early as possible that they will not each be treated the same, but that you will make every effort to show equal love. Tell them that sometimes you may call on them to help a brother or sister. As a family unit, we each should be concerned for the other members of the family.

When it comes to birthdays and Christmas, spend an equal amount of time, money, or effort on gifts. When you find yourself spending more time on one child than another, perhaps you could make a luncheon date with the slighted child so he or she can have a “place in the spotlight”. In fact, some parents try to rotate and take one child at a time to a special event. This is a great idea. A special time alone with each child gives an opportunity to discuss anything that may be on the mind of either the parent or child.

To choose one child over another because he or she understands or pleases us is purely selfish. We need to look deep enough into each child to appreciate that child’s qualities. Unfortunately, sometimes a problem arises in single parent families. For instance, a single mom who feels she has been treated poorly by an ex-husband may have a son bearing physical characteristics of that ex-husband. Every time she looks at the son, she is reminded of her former husband. She may pick on that child without realizing it due to the fact that he constantly reminds her of an unpleasant past. In such cases, she must make a special effort to control her inner feelings to prevent punishing a child for what its father did. The same can be true of a single father and daughter when a daughter may remind the dad of her mother who made him unhappy.

Being fair can be tough, but it can be done. Children can easily sense unfairness and find it difficult to forgive a parent. Children may carry grudges for life. No parent wants a child to have a grudge against him/her, so it would behoove parents to make a special effort to let their children know they are loved equally.

 

Dealing with Resentment

counseling, parenting, Raising kids, ,

Train up a Child…

 

Dealing with Resentment

 

Resentment has caused problems since the time Cain killed Abel as recorded in the Bible. Another Biblical story of Joseph and the coat of many colors is an example of resentment. Resentment and jealousy often go together. Understanding the causes of resentment, recognizing the actions resulting from resentment, and knowing how to prevent this negative feeling are important to know in rearing children.

Children often feel resentment when they feel they are not treated with respect. When actions are demanded of them without explanation, there is often an inner feeling, whether recognizable by the children or not, that they are not being respected. This is true with spouses and adults as well. Many times a demanding parent or spouse has the attitude of, “I’m right and you’d better do as I say whether you want to or not.” The child or spouse may obey out of fear of consequences, but bottled up inside is a feeling of resentment.

Children may resent siblings because they feel the parents favor a brother or sister over them. It is sad to see grown sisters and brothers who have never gotten over this resentment and cannot seem to get along with each other even in adulthood. For some reason, they resent the sibling rather than blame the parent who favored the other child. In some cases the sibling may have done nothing to cause the favoritism, yet that child gets resented.

When a child works hard to win an award and the award

is given to someone else, resentment and jealousy result along with a feeling of unfairness and distrust.

When there is resentment, it often stays bottled up inside a child and the child may act out in ways that are unacceptable. There is often an inner feeling of, “I’ll get even”. Parents who wonder why children fuss so much would do well to examine their own behavior with the children to make sure they are not showing favoritism. Parents are doing no favors to a child they “pet”. This really makes it hard for the favored one as the other children will tend to pick on the child they feel is favored.

It is important for parents to make a special effort to prepare children for the arrival of a new baby in the family. So much attention is required for a new baby that the other children often resent being left out.

Spouses who are unable to express opinions to their mates may find themselves complaining about the mate to other people. This action is often a result of resentment for not being listened to and having opinions respected.

The best way to deal with resentment is to prevent it in the first place. Parents need to make a special effort to give attention to all children and not just “grease the wheel that squeaks the loudest”. Some parents make a point of doing something special with a child each week, taking turns with the children. By doing so, each child gets his/her “place in the sun”. Whenever possible, children and spouses need to be able to express their opinions in a nice way and not be required to blindly obey.

Often we “Win the battle but lose the war” as we deal with children and spouses. It is better to have good long range results than immediate obedience that gives us temporary results with resentment.

How to Help Children Plan Ahead

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Train up a child…

 

How to Help Children Plan Ahead

 

My husband and I were privileged to attend a workshop on poverty at the College of the Ozarks at one time. One of the things we learned is that people in poverty usually just think about getting through one day at a time. In light of this fact, it would seem that it is very important to teach our children to think ahead and plan for upcoming happenings.

There are at least three things involved in planning ahead. We need to know what is apt to happen in the future. We need to know what our resources are, and we need to plan ways to use those resources to meet the needs the future events will necessitate.

Fall is a good time of year to teach planning ahead. Even nature gives us illustrations as we watch animals scurry about storing food for the winter.   Scripture tells us in Proverbs 6:6-8, “Go to the ant you sluggard, consider its ways and be wise! It has no commander, no overseer or ruler, yet it stores its provisions in summer and gathers its food at harvest.”

Instead of sheltering our children from unpleasant happenings, we need to let them know the important things that are happening in the world. We need to tell them in such a way as to keep them from panicking, but at the same time letting the children know that these are things to contend with. At this time, we need to tell children about the economy of our country. Nature presents additional future events for which we should plan. The cold of winter, ice storms, and tornados are common in the Midwest. Earthquakes are common many places. When we tell children that everything is going to be all right, we are not telling the truth. If children believe this, they see no need to think ahead and plan for events.

A “sit-down” session with children is appropriate for planning ahead. It is helpful for children to write a list, if they are old enough to write, of events to plan for as well as a list of resources and the plan itself. Parents need to discuss with children the location of resources such as flashlights and candles in case the electricity goes off in a storm. Parents need to be honest about the money situation and enlist the help of the children in deciding needs versus wants. Letting the children help in preparing a budget for the family sets a good example of what they should do when they have a home of their own, and the children will feel like they are part of the family team.

The actual plans of what to do in the various events need to be reviewed occasionally. Not only should children be helped to plan with the family for natural occurrences and worldwide events, but they should also be helped to make study plans for the school year. Upcoming events in the family need to be discussed and planned ahead as well.

Discussing future events, and planning for those events, actually helps children feel more secure. It takes less time to plan ahead than it does to wait until we are in the middle of something and then try to deal with it. All in all, it just makes life go more smoothly!

 

The Value of Physical Activity

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Train up a child…

 

The Value of Physical Activity

 

Children need to develop in four areas. Those four areas are mental, social, spiritual, and physical. Quite often one or more of these areas may be neglected, but each area is important.

Physical development does not come automatically. Even though a child is growing bigger, he may not be growing healthier. An old expression says, “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy”. Children get most of their physical activity from play, but they can also get it from work.

What are the benefits of physical activity? Physical activity strengthens the body. A child who is physically active is usually a happier child. Children involved in team sports learn teamwork and what it means to give one’s best.

The blood in our bodies bathes every muscle and organ bringing nourishment to every part. When we exercise, the heart pumps harder ensuring that each part is reached with the nutrients needed. When a person sits around all the time, the blood doesn’t move as fast and nutrients are not carried throughout the body as needed. Body parts do not work at their maximum without the stimulation of exercise. The brain needs to be bathed by the blood just as does all of the body. We do not think as clearly and as well without exercise.

We’ve heard of those who have been unfortunate and had to spend a lengthy amount of time in the hospital and then they have to learn to walk again. The muscles become very weak without usage. The heart is a muscle. When we exercise and it beats more rapidly, it is getting strengthened, too.

Exercise creates endorphin. Endorphin is a substance that fights pain and depression. We often forget that children can be depressed as much or more than adults. People who don’t exercise often start feeling sorry for themselves and become depressed. Physical exercise helps to prevent this from happening. It is best to keep busy. Teenagers often like to stay in their rooms for long periods of time. This is an emotional time in their lives and at this time they especially need to exercise.

Team sports at school provide a fun way to get exercise. While getting the physical activity, they also learn to put themselves in background positions for the overall good of others. The cheering they hear while playing builds self-esteem and motivates them to go beyond what they have accomplished and reach for more. They often discover that they can do more than they ever thought they could. This transfers to other areas of their lives as well and they get the attitude that they can do better. This becomes a motivation to be the best they can be.

Sometimes it seems that there is not enough time to do everything a child needs. Exercise can be worked into the schedule in subtle ways. Parents can ask children to run a race to the mailbox. When shopping, the car can be parked at the back of the parking lot to require more walking. The TV, phone, and computer can be limited, and children should have chores to do. Even when dad is wrestling or “rough-housing” the kids on the floor, they are getting some exercise. I remember when I taught second grade the children in our class planned their own obstacle course. They climbed a 4 ft. wall, leapfrogged over a rock, crawled through a barrel, skipped, hopped, and scissor-stepped back to the starting place. They did this at recess, but a similar course could be made at home.

Let’s keep our kids moving so they can get the exercise they need!