Monthly Archives: October 2016

Telling is not Teaching

counseling, parenting, Raising kids

Train up a child…

Telling is Not Teaching

 

We often make the mistake of thinking that our task of rearing children is finished if we simply tell a child what is right or wrong. That is not true. When we tell a child something, it simply opens the subject for debate. Immediately the child begins thinking, “Is that person right or am I right?” Often, the child goes on the defensive to defend his/her own opinion.

What, then, are we to do? Our objective is to get the child to come to the right conclusion in his/her own mind. How do we do this? One of the best ways is to ask questions that ultimately lead the child to figure out the best way to go. Carefully framed questions stimulate thinking and help the child to see all angles of a matter. It is not until the child has come to the proper conclusion in his/her own mind that learning has truly taken place.

Here is an example:

I was visiting my daughter’s family one time when my grandson asked his mother if he could do something. She did not answer him “yes” or “no”. Instead, she said, “Let’s think about that a minute. How do you think the other person will feel if you do that? How will the other children around him feel? What will his parents think? How will you feel after you have done it?” My grandson thought for a moment and then said, “I guess I had better not do that.”

It is only what any person truly believes that affects actions. We can force children to do what is right in our own eyes, but when they get old enough to determine their own destiny, they will act according to what they truly believe. There are times when we must force a child for his own safety or well-being, but forcing usually breeds resentment and a feeling of “I’ll get even”. Our teaching should be geared to helping a child understand reasons.

Sometimes discussing the results of another person’s actions helps a child understand outcomes of certain behaviors. We need to take care not to foster gossip, but again simply ask questions. One might say, “Why do you think that happened?” or “Do you think there was a better way that _________ could have handled that situation?” This gives a real life situation that will have meaning to the child.

Stories provide a way of helping children learn. That is one reason why discussion is so very important when reading to a child. It is amazing how many times a story can be read or heard without a clue as to the lesson being taught. Discussion brings out the lessons. Horton Hatches the Egg by Dr. Seuss is an excellent book to discuss responsibility with young children.  Aesop’s Fables are still wonderful for children.

We fall way short of our duty when we stop at simply telling a child what to do.

 

Note: More ideas for teaching children proper behavior are available in my books,  Let the Children Come and Children, Come to Me now available at most bookstores or on Amazon.com.  I have copies available as well.

 

 

Do our Children have the “Know How”?

parenting, Raising kids

Train up a child…

Do our Children have the “Know How”?

There are many simple, basic things that we often take for granted that children will learn on their own. That may be true when they live in a culture where everyone is well-mannered, thrifty, and hard-working. Today’s culture, unfortunately, is not a culture where children always pick up acceptable behavior. We can’t expect our children to know what they haven’t been taught.
Recently, I noticed some children jump up on some chairs and start running around a classroom on chairs. I thought to myself, “Don’t those children know better than to do that?” Apparently, they had never been taught not to put their feet on furniture. I began to think about other common things we often assume that children know.

Do our children know…

…to close the refrigerator door right away?
…to not stand with a door open letting cold or hot air in the room?
…to turn off lights and machines when not in use?
…to say please, excuse me, thank you, and I’m sorry?
…when running is not appropriate?
…not to bump into older people?
…to make eye contact when someone is talking and to keep quiet during that time? (It is not possible to listen to someone else and talk at the same time; ears and mouths don’t work well together. Our minds are thinking about what we are seeing.)
…not to interrupt when someone else is talking?
…to greet someone when they walk into a room?
…to answer when asked a question?
…to greet someone when introduced?
…not to waste anything?
…to smile?
…to refrain from asking embarrassing questions?
…not to eavesdrop?
…to keep the voice at a low volume in appropriate places?
…to let others go first?
…to eat what is presented to them when a guest, or to quietly leave it on the plate and not say anything to insult the hostess?
…to give a compliment?
…to speak when spoken to?
…to open doors for older people?

These may seem like common, ordinary things for a child to know and, actually, they are. Quite often, however, adults may think a child knows these things when the child has not learned them. The basis of all good manners is kindness and consideration of others. With the attitude of kindness and consideration, many of these actions do, indeed, take care of themselves, but we need to make sure the children learn them.

“As the Twig is Bent”

counseling, parenting, Raising kids, , , , , ,

Train up a child…

 

“As the Twig is Bent”

 

I remember an instructor in our child development class at Missouri University saying, “As the twig is bent, so grows the tree”. She went to great lengths to explain that habits that are formed in childhood last a lifetime. If left unchecked, the inclinations that a child has are reinforced through the years as the child grows. This is true for both good and bad inclinations. It is the task of the parent to “prune” those inclinations as needed. The parent needs to reinforce in positive ways the good, and do their best to eliminate the bad habits.

A common saying about children who are displaying problematic behavior is, “Don’t worry. He will grow out of it.” This may be true as relating to physical changes, but in most behavioral changes, children do not “grow out of it”. The problems, in most cases, gain strength as the child grows.

There are many examples of children growing worse when problems are left unchecked. Take, for instance, the child who throws temper tantrums. When parents give in to the child and do not correct this problem, the child grows up believing that he/she can get whatever is wanted by displaying acts of temper. Another example is the demanding child who does not learn good manners. That child becomes the adult who “railroads” through anyone or everyone to achieve wants and desires. Poor eating habits are very difficult to correct in adulthood. Many obese people are those who, as children, were allowed to eat whatever they wanted. Children who are allowed to act any way they want will not grow up respecting authority. Children who are given everything needed without having to earn anything will not grow up and suddenly say, “Oh, I can do everything for myself”. These children will always be expecting handouts.

Young people seem to have a feeling of indestructibility. They tend to think, “I’m different. That will never happen to me.” I recently talked to a man who is now an alcoholic. He said, “I made the same mistake so many other people have made. I thought it would never happen to me.” It is our duty, as parents and grandparents, to point out examples to prove that it can happen to anyone. Ultimately, each person is individually responsible for choices made, but we need to do all we can to influence those choices and help that person grow in the right direction.

My dad used pieces of string to illustrate to my sisters and me how habits get stronger and stronger. He handed us a piece of string and told us to break it. It was easy. Then he gave us two pieces of string and told us to break them. It was harder. Then he gave us three pieces of string and told us to break them all at the same time. Some of us were able to do it. By the time he got to four pieces of string, it was not possible to break them all at the same time. “That is how it is with habits,” he said. He told us that when you first do something wrong, it is much easier to stop than after you have continued to do it for a time. We understood that it is best not to form bad habits.

Raising children is somewhat like gardening. We prune, feed, and water. We guide and do our best to influence the choices our children make. When they are little, we can prevent bad choices. When they grow up, they will choose according to their own individual beliefs. Other influences in the world compete with the influence of parents. We simply try our very best and bathe our efforts with lots of prayer.

It’s a Matter of Choice

parenting, , ,

Train up a child…

 

It’s a Matter of Choice

 

There are many parents of older children who are carrying a load of guilt as they go about their daily activities. These are the parents of children who did not turn out in adulthood as the parents had visualized while bringing them up. These parents are feeling that they were bad parents who did a poor job of raising their children.

The truth is that when God created us, he created us with the ability to make our own choices. God does not choose for us and neither can we choose for our children. Just as God tries to teach us and persuade us, so we in turn try to teach and persuade our children. Ultimately, we are each judged individually based on the choices we have made.

Why, then, do we have the verse in the Bible upon which this column is based? Why does the Bible say, “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it”. (Proverbs 22:6)? It is because God wants us to do all we can to train a child in a way that the child will want to live a righteous life. However, a child is not truly trained until that child automatically acts according to the principles being taught. Telling is not teaching. A child must determine for self the principles upon which his/her life will be based. We may think we have trained the child, but in reality the child may not be truly trained. If the child is truly trained, that child will not depart from those truths learned. However, ultimately it is the choice of the child as to whether he/she can be trained.

When a child is small, it is easy to force a child to behave correctly as we perceive correct behavior. That does not mean that the child is convinced that the behavior being required is best. Children often obey out of fear, not really believing what they are being told. For instance, we can require a child to say, “I’m sorry”, but that child may not be sorry at all. What else would a 3 ft. child do when being confronted by a 6 ft. adult? The child may or may not learn later the reason he/she should have been sorry. Even though the child obeyed, there may have been no sincerity involved.

There is no such thing as a perfect parent. We do what we can with the tools we have at the time. However, God holds us responsible for doing our best with those tools and for continuing to learn about childrearing to obtain more tools. We, as parents, are judged according to our intent and actions as parents. Children are judged according to the choices they make. As we think back through history, we can see those who came from what we would think of as really bad homes, yet they turned out to be real contributors to society. It is just as true that children can be raised in good homes and not turn out as expected.

What is the answer, then, to the task of parents? It is to love our children with a self-sacrificial love, and do the best we possibly can. We try to make sure they have a spiritual foundation as well as a good foundation in mental, physical, and social growth. We need to continue to pray for them as long as we live. We need to remember, however, that even God’s children do not always turn out the way He wants. He wants the children He has entrusted to our care to be His obedient children and loves them even more than we do. We are not in this task alone. We pray that they will make the right choices.