Monthly Archives: January 2017

Patience: A Characteristic of Love

counseling, parenting, Raising kids, Uncategorized

Train up a child…

 

Patience: A Characteristic of Love

 

If asked, “Do you love your children?” most parents without hesitation would reply, “Yes, I love my children!” Most parents probably do think that they love their children. However, when we examine the true definition of love, we might find ourselves falling short in this area.

If we examine definitions of love, we find that the 13th chapter of I Corinthians in the Bible lists the qualities present when there is love. One of those qualities listed is patience.

Do we have patience with our children? In the hurry and scurry of everyday living, we can easily expect too much too soon from those around us. It is not easy to wait for children to develop skills and make decisions at their own pace. We sometimes forget that we cannot force a flower to bloom. With plants, we water, nourish, and prune but the growth comes from within the plant. So it is with children. We nourish, and prune (discipline) and provide experiences and advice, but we cannot force the child to grow. That growth comes from within the child.

Unfortunately, some parents have a fixed image in mind of what they want the child to be when he/she grows up. We have all heard of the football player who wants a son to be a football star, etc. In such a situation, the parent may be very impatient and take out his own disappointment on the child. We need to realize that certain traits are inherent in children at birth. Again, using gardening as an example, we cannot change a carrot to a radish; we can only try to develop a better carrot or radish. With children, we need to cultivate those good tendencies or skills that came with them at birth. We waste time and cause much frustration when we try to force children to be something other than what they are capable of. We need to be patient as we help them develop into what their Creator designed them for.

It is important in the matter of discipline to be able to discern the difference between a mistake and intentional belligerence. We would be naïve to think that children are born with only good intentions. Intentional belligerence requires immediate discipline. Mistakes of a child, on the other hand, require our patience and teaching. Probably every child needs admonition at one time or another. When our children are intentionally naughty, even though we must discipline them, we need to be patient in understanding that they are no different from other kids in that respect. We should never make a child feel that there is no hope for improvement. I’ve known some parents who seem to really just grind their children down until the child feels there is no hope. Our patience with them gives hope. Without hope, children may either give up or become rebellious.

We can’t expect children to be as accomplished as we are. We have several years of learning ahead of them. When they seem awkward and break things, it may be because they are growing longer arms and legs and haven’t learned to adjust to the extra size yet. When they don’t make the right decisions, it may be because they haven’t acquired all the facts and understanding they need to make those decisions.

Patience is more than a virtue. Patience is an indication of real love.

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Cherish the “Sweet” Days

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Train up a child…

 

Cherish the “Sweet” Days

 

Recently in a phone conversation with our daughter-in-law, she told me that our four-year-old grandson was having a “sweet” day. She related that when they went shopping and she lifted him out of the car, he softly and gently said, “Mommy, I love you.” Later, when they were in the store and she had him by the hand, he pulled her hand to his lips and kissed it. What precious moments!

“Oh,” you say, “but it doesn’t last!” Well, actually it can last. Of course it cannot be every moment of every day that children express their love, but there can be an ongoing inner love that leads to respect of parents. This in-dwelling love should also be present in the parents for the children.

Most people would quickly bring to mind the teenage years when children so often tend to disrespect parents as they struggle to “leave the nest” and become independent. I dare say, even though there are times of friction between parent and child, the foundation can be laid that ensures that children always come back to that expression of love.

When our oldest grandson reached puberty, I called him aside and said, “Now, Dylan, you are about to become a teenager. I want you to be like your Uncle Charles. When he was in high school, he was never afraid to give me a hug no matter who was watching.” It worked. Dylan gave me hugs in front of his peers all through his teenage years. He was never afraid to show affection to his mother as well. His younger sister followed his example and also showed affection to her mom and grandparents.

A worse scenario than a teen who refuses to show affection to parents, is the grown-up who speaks sharply to aging parents or shows disdain when a parent does something that the grown-up child finds distasteful. How often have we heard, also, of the aging parent in the nursing home who receives few or no visits from adult children?

Dr. Adrian Rogers once remarked in a sermon that he would never allow his children to speak disrespectfully to their mother. He said that their mother went through much pain to bring their children into the world. As they grew, she changed their diapers and cared for them in many ways. As a father, he wanted his children to know that they owed their mother respect and that they should treat her with dignity.

Wouldn’t it be nice if everyone would love and respect everyone else? As Valentine’s Day approaches, we think of love and its meaning. Let’s teach our children that love means that we care for others whether or not they see things the same way we do. When others make their best efforts, let’s appreciate those efforts and not be judgmental and critical. There are ways of expressing our beliefs without hurting others. After all, we are all learning and growing every day. Everyone makes mistakes. The mistakes of others are no worse than our own. To love others doesn’t mean that we have to agree, but it does mean that we should be kind, patient, and longsuffering. Let us practice this love to our children as we expect them to practice it to us in return.

I know of no better description of love than that given in the 13th chapter of I Corinthians in the New Testament. It would be good if we all read this chapter often.

 

 

It’s Not Just Child’s Play!

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Train up a child…

It’s Not Just Child’s Play!

 

It is a wonderful thing when parents will play with their children. There is great value in time spent simply having fun with them. This time is an opportunity for bonding, teaching, and creating memories.

Right after Christmas there is an opportunity to explore the new toys and games together. When dad or mom get on the level of the child and explore the new possibilities of enjoyment, the child learns to appreciate the fact that the parent has interest in his/her world. A special relationship between the child and parent is created. This new relationship results in a better understanding of each another.

In the event that a toy breaks, as many are apt to do, as the parent helps repair that toy, the child learns about how things work. Parents have an opportunity to teach new words and understandings to the child.

Even if there are no new games or toys, parents and children can create their own games. Our grown children still laugh about playing “sandwich” or “slobber ear” with their dad, and I laugh when I see them play the same games with their children. These are rough and tumble games on the floor (or grass in the summer) where all involved laugh and giggle as they try to get away from each other to avoid having an ear chewed or to become the bottom bread of a sandwich. They laugh as “the meat” wriggles out to try to become the top bread and the bottom bread tries even harder to escape being the bottom bread. It is important, however, for the parent to know when enough is enough in these games. It is cruel to tickle children too much. Also, weight of individuals needs to be considered so no person is hurt.

Many board games offer opportunities for learning as well as having fun. Long winter evenings are well spent in playing games such as Monopoly, Balderdash, Sequence, or others with older children. In Monopoly, children learn much about money. They learn to count the money as well as a great deal about how business works. Balderdash is a great game for teaching writing, persuasion, and vocabulary. Our family has laughed until we cried at some of the silly definitions written for some of the words in Balderdash. Board games designed for younger children teach a child to take turns and that they cannot always win. They can learn to lose graciously.

Laughter is a good medicine. King Solomon tells us in Proverbs 17:22, “A merry heart doeth good like a medicine”. Playing and laughing with our children relieves our stress as well as theirs. We sometimes forget that children, too, have stress as they seek to please their parents and teachers.

Time spent playing with children is a wonderful investment that yields dividends for eternity. Children grow up so fast! Let’s take advantage of the opportunities we have to spend time with them while we can.

 

Children Need Clear Direction

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Train up a child…

 

Children Need Clear Direction

 

It has been said that those who fail to plan actually plan to fail. When children are allowed to aimlessly act as they want, they become confused, feel insecure, and accomplish very little.

Specific goals for children are important because they provide direction. It would seem that there are natural times in the year to set and review goals. One such time is at the beginning of a new year when there is much talk of making New Year’s resolutions. Another such time is the beginning of the summer vacation from school, and yet another time is at the beginning of the school year.

There is a difference between a resolution and a goal. A resolution carries the connotation of a promise. Resolutions are often broken and then forgotten. A goal, on the other hand, is not a promise to accomplish a certain thing, but rather a thought that an effort will be made to achieve a certain point. Goals are not as easily forgotten and no feeling of guilt need occur when they are not reached. Goals can be easily evaluated and reset.

We need to be honest with children in letting them know where they stand in their achievement both academically, socially, physically, and spiritually. These are the four areas in which a child needs to grow. We strive to help children become balanced in these areas. Sitting down and discussing these areas with children will reap great results as the children understand what is expected of them and see what needs to be done to fulfill those expectations.

I have been dismayed in my past school teaching experiences to find that not only students, but teachers as well, often do not know the results of tests that are required by the state. Just as we expect to know our condition when we visit a doctor, students, parents, and teachers have a right to know the status of a student academically. If we don’t know where we are, how can we know what we need to do to get where we should be. Likewise, there needs to be a clear understanding among parents of where a child is expected to be in achievement according to grade level. This information is vital in determining goals. Even though children and parents receive report cards, these report cards do not always show comparisons to the national norm.

It is only after clear, reachable goals have been set can plans be made to attain those goals. It is helpful to have both short-range and long-range goals. Breaking down long-range goals into “chunks” makes reaching them more possible.

Proverbs 29:18 tells us that, “Where there is no vision, the people perish: …” Children need a mental picture of the direction they are to go.

 

 

 

When Children get Sick

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Train up a child…

 

When Children Get Sick

 

When children get sick, as they inevitably do, we often ponder about how much to “baby” them or just how to care for them. What mother has not sat by the side of a sick child and thought, “I’d rather it were me feeling that way than my child”? It hurts us emotionally while at the same time it is hurting the child physically.

Of course, we try to do all we can to prevent that sickness in the first place. We encourage the children to wash their hands often, singing “Happy Birthday” while scrubbing with soap and warm water to make sure the hands are scrubbed long enough to get clean. We do our best to make sure the child has plenty of fruit and vegetables in the diet to provide the vitamin C and other nutrients needed to fight the germs. We try to see that the child is dressed properly for the cold weather, and we try to keep the child away from places where we know germs are present. In spite of all our care, we often feel at least a little guilt when the child gets sick as we wonder if we did all we could have done to prevent the illness.

There are actually some positive things that come from sickness. One such positive learning is that children come to realize that they are vulnerable. Many young people often feel as though they can do anything and nothing bad will ever happen. Sickness teaches a child that we each need to be careful with how we care for ourselves and the choices we make. A time of sickness in the home can become a time of bonding between family members as all pitch in and help the sick one. The sick child may learn to appreciate the love and care of others. A third benefit is a possible development of sympathy and understanding of others when they become sick. It seems that we can never truly appreciate the feelings of others until we, ourselves, have experienced what they are going through. People who seldom get sick often are impatient with those who do get sick more often.

How much care should be given to a sick child? In my opinion, we need to take advantage of this time to “coddle” the child a bit. There are, of course, occasions when this is not true. If a child starts to take advantage of the extra attention, we need to back off. When a child is truly sick, however, that child needs assurance of love and care. We need a balance of not seeming overly concerned but, at the same time, children need to know that we wish the best for them. To this day, I can remember my mom’s hand on my forehead when, as a child, I would get sick and throw up. I’m sure that hand did no physical good, but it showed that she cared. Another memory is a time when my dad brought a pretty colored ear of corn from the field for me when I had tonsillitis.

Should a child be allowed to watch TV? Yes, but only educational programs. Should a child do homework? The child should do homework only if he/she is not feeling too badly. I would not force it but would check occasionally to see if he/she feels like it, and then I would give assistance. Should a child be allowed to get up and run around? Generally, we need to allow a child to do what that child feels like doing until the temperature has been normal for at least 24 hours. Then the child probably needs to go back to school. Sometimes, medicine can make a child feel better while he/she is getting worse. This may be the case when medicine is given to treat symptoms only and the medicine does not treat the cause of the symptoms.

We probably will not do everything perfectly when our children get sick. We simply try to give proper physical and emotional care to the best of our ability and pray that the Great Physician will do whatever else is needed.