Monthly Archives: July 2017

How Can We Develop Compassion in Children?

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Train up a child…

How can we Develop Compassion in Children?

We often wonder why we see so much violence in the news. Why do people hurt others? Why do people do things to property that eventually causes trouble for others? Could it be that those individuals have never learned to feel compassion?

When we feel compassion for others, we usually feel sympathy and concern as well. It causes us to stop and think about the feelings of others. It follows, then, that if we can help children develop compassion, they will probably act in compassionate ways.
One way to develop compassion is to talk about hurt and pain. Caring for animals may lead to compassionate feelings. Guiding activities that help others is a third way to help children understand the feelings and cares of others.

What we say to children is very important. When we see someone hurting, a comment such as, “I know that person must hurt badly”, draws attention to suffering. Opposite type comments such as, “That person must be lazy and not want to work”, keeps a child from feeling compassion. Watching selected news provides opportunities to talk about pain and suffering.

When a child learns to care for an animal, that child can learn to care about whether the animal is hungry, cold, scared, etc. Anytime a child can identify with feelings of another person or animal, that child is learning compassion. On the other hand, if a child is allowed to let a pet go hungry, be cold, etc., the child is learning not to be compassionate.
When families or groups do activities such as taking food to the sick or helping the needy, they are developing compassion in children. There are many worthwhile projects that can be done by children.

Many people are not able to recognize the feelings of others by what they say or do. Pointing out actions or words of others that indicate hurt will help the child become aware of others. When a child acts like a bully, it may well be because that child is hurting and taking feelings out on another. When a child puts another child down for an accomplishment, it may be because the child is hurting for a lack of attention. We are all guilty of often judging people’s actions only by their words when we should be looking a little deeper. If we can help children look deeper, they are many steps ahead in life.

The careful choice of words and activities we use with children cannot be overemphasized. Compassion is an attitude. Attitudes are often caught, instead of being taught. Although we can do and say certain things to help develop compassion, as in so many other areas, example is the most effective teacher.

Children Have Real Fears

counseling, parenting, Raising kids

Train up a child…

Children Have Real Fears

As children hear talk about going back to school, many start thinking about many scary things. Will anybody like me and be my friend? Will my teacher like me? Will I be able to get my work done? Will my parents understand if I don’t make perfect grades? Will I have the right clothes? Will kids laugh at me? Will I be able to do what is expected of me?
How can parents help children deal with the many fears they have? Parents need to understand that the fears do exist. Children need help in setting priorities. Parents can assure children that they love their children no matter what happens.
Children often fear opening up about their fears! If parents can create an atmosphere where children are not afraid to confide, they can find out what fears a child may have. Right away we might say that we should talk to the children. That is good, of course, but unfortunately the children will not always tell you what is bothering them. They may not even know what is bothering them. We need to watch them closely and listen carefully to what they say for clues. They may be putting down others for making good grades. That may be a sign that they are afraid that they won’t make good grades. They may talk a lot about clothes or friends. This may indicate what is bothering them.
Parents can help with setting the priorities. They need to help the child realize that perfect grades are not necessary. It is necessary, however, to do one’s best and listen carefully to instructions. It is better to be clean and neat than to have expensive clothes. It is better to befriend someone that to have everyone be friends to self. It is better to choose friends than to have others choose self. Parents can help in setting priorities of qualities to look for in potential friends.
Parents make a mistake when they set the bar of achievement beyond a child’s capabilities. On the other hand, children need to know that not trying to do what is required will not be tolerated. The security of knowing that love of parents will never go away is a big plus in helping children. However, there is a difference in love and like. It is important to let a child know that even though love will never go away, we don’t like certain behavior. Behavior that is liked or not liked should be clearly defined.
Many discipline problems originate with fear. If we can help children deal with their fears, we will avoid much unacceptable behavior.

How to Talk so Kids can Learn

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Train up a child…

 

How to Talk so Kids Can Learn

 

People do not like to be yelled at! Children are people, too. Children do not like to be yelled at!

The way we talk to children greatly affects their learning. Our tone and volume of voice is very important as we relate to the little ones. We need to take the time, whenever possible, to explain and reason with children.

I have observed over the years that many parents constantly bark orders to children, often so rapidly that the children do not have time to mentally process one order before being given another. When this happens, children become resentful, confused, embarrassed, and often give up trying to obey. They may pout or act out in frustration. They hurt inside because they feel that the one yelling at them does not love them. It becomes even more confusing when, after barking orders to the children, a few minutes later that same parent may say, “I love you”. This scenario gives an untrue example of love. Love is patient. On the other hand, if we slow down, take time to let the child process instructions, and explain where needed, the child calms down, is more likely to obey, and senses love as shown through patience. Sometimes a parent will get better results to simply go to the child, put an arm around that child, and whisper instructions slowly.

Children can often understand more than we give them credit for if we take the time to give the explanations in words they understand. We forget that they do not have the same vocabulary that we have. They increase their vocabulary as we explain why we expect them to do certain things. When they have the understanding, they are more apt to act appropriately on their own when parents are not around. Many believe that if they just get their children in the habit of doing certain things that they will grow up and maintain those habits. Habits only go so far. Understanding of reasons for acting appropriately will extend the correct behavior. There comes a time in a child’s life when that child begins to question what parents have told them. If they have the basic understanding of the “whys”, they are more apt to stick with what they have been taught.

The use of questions instead of statements is so very important in helping children reason out the “whys” of behavior. Telling is not teaching! When we ask questions, a child is forced to think. Following are some examples of common questions that can be asked in various situations:

  • How would your friend feel if you told him/her that?
  • What would happen if you did that?
  • What were you thinking when you did that?
  • What do you think your friend was thinking when he/she did that?
  • Why do you want to do that?
  • How would the people around you feel if they heard you say that?

These are just general questions to help a child think through his/her actions before making a decision. They also help to develop empathy and teach decision-making.

Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish wrote a book titled, How to Talk so Kids Can Learn. I highly recommend it. It is available on Amazon.com and may also be available in your local library. Although I do not agree with everything in the book, it certainly helps us rethink how we are talking to our children.

Me, Them, or Us

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Train up a child…

Me, Them, or Us

In parenting, as in so many other areas of life, much more can be accomplished when we work together as a team. It is easy to fall into a habit of pitting one group against another. Where children are concerned, we naturally assume that because they are younger, we are much wiser and knowledgeable. However, every individual is unique and needs to be treated with respect. Children have ideas that are worth considering. Each age group has advantages and limitations. There are common goals that can be set for all ages.

It is difficult to see things from a child’s point of view. If we can win the confidence of the child, the child can share with us thoughts and feelings. We can then understand that child. This becomes the basis of the actions we choose as we attempt to be a good parent. We gain that confidence by listening to the child’s ideas with respect. It is surprising how children can come up with ideas that really work. They can do this because they can better understand how children feel and think since they feel and think the same way.

There are many things children can do that adults cannot do. With their boundless energy, they can run errands for adults who are tired and don’t have that much energy. They can get in small places where adults cannot. Have you noticed that each age group has limitations and certain abilities? Toddlers wish they could do what older brothers and sisters can do. Children wish they could do what teens do. Teens wish they could drive and have more freedom. Young marrieds wish they could get more sleep when they have crying babies! Middle age couples adjust to an empty nest. Older people have aches and pains and loss of energy. When all ages work together, we can help supply the needs of others.

Nothing unites a family or group more than common goals. When each group member understands the goals, they can begin to realize the needs for reaching those goals. When the needs are understood, they can each begin to determine what they can contribute to meeting those needs.Short term goals work best with children, but long term goals are necessary, also. Using the ideas of each family member to set goals helps in motivating each to want to be a part of reaching the goals.

As parents, we need to remember that setting an example is the best teaching method. We set a good example by showing respect to children and doing our part to reach worthy goals that have been set incorporating the ideas of each person involved. Much more can be accomplished and everyone is happier when we work together.