Monthly Archives: September 2017

It’s a Matter of Choice

counseling, parenting, Raising kids, , , , , ,

Train up a child…

 

It’s a Matter of Choice

 

There are many parents of older children who are carrying a load of guilt as they go about their daily activities. These are the parents of children who did not turn out in adulthood as the parents had visualized during their upbringing. These parents are feeling that they were bad parents who did a poor job of raising their children.

The truth is that when God created us, he created us with the ability to make our own choices. God does not choose for us and neither can we choose for our children. Just as God tries to teach us and persuade us, so we in turn try to teach and persuade our children. Ultimately, we are each judged individually based on the choices we have made.

Why, then, do we have the verse in the Bible upon which this column is based? Why does the Bible say, “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it”. (Proverbs 22:6)? It is because God wants us to do all we can to train a child in a way that the child will want to live a righteous life. However, a child is not truly trained until he/she automatically acts according to the principles being taught. Telling is not teaching. A child must determine for self the principles upon which his/her life will be based. We may think we have trained the child, but in reality the child may not be truly trained. If the child is truly trained, that child will not depart from those truths learned. However, ultimately it is the choice of the child as to whether he/she can be trained.

When a child is small, it is easy to force a child to behave correctly as we perceive correct behavior. That does not mean that the child is convinced that the behavior being required is best. Children often obey out of fear, not really believing what they are being told. For instance, we can require a child to say, “I’m sorry”, but that child may not be sorry at all. What else would a 3 ft. child do when being confronted by a 6 ft. adult? The child may or may not learn later the reason for being sorry. Even though the child obeyed, there may have been no sincerity involved.

There is no such thing as a perfect parent. We do what we can with the tools we have at the time. However, God holds us responsible for doing our best with those tools and for continuing to learn about childrearing to obtain more tools. We, as parents, are judged according to our intent and actions as parents. Children are judged according to the choices they make. As we think back through history, we can see those who came from what we would think of as really bad homes, yet they turned out to be real contributors to society. It is just as true that children can be raised in good homes and not turn out as expected.

What is the answer, then, to the task of parents? It is to love our children with a self-sacrificial love, and do the best we possibly can. We try to make sure they have a spiritual foundation as well as a good foundation in mental, physical, and social growth. We need to continue to pray for them as long as we live. We need to remember, however, that even God’s children do not always turn out the way He wants. He wants the children He has entrusted to our care to be His obedient children and loves them even more than we do. We are not in this task alone. We pray that they will make the right choices.

 

Dealing with Resentment

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Train up a Child…

 

Dealing with Resentment

 

Resentment has caused problems since the time Cain killed Abel as recorded in the Bible. Another Biblical story of Joseph and the coat of many colors is an example of resentment. Resentment and jealousy often go together. Understanding the causes of resentment, recognizing the actions resulting from resentment, and knowing how to prevent this negative feeling are important to know in rearing children.

Children often feel resentment when they feel they are not treated with respect. When actions are demanded of them without explanation, there is often an inner feeling, whether recognizable by the children or not, that they are not being respected. This is true with spouses and adults as well. Many times a demanding parent or spouse has the attitude of, “I’m right and you’d better do as I say whether you want to or not.” The child or spouse may obey out of fear of consequences, but bottled up inside is a feeling of resentment.

Children may resent siblings because they feel the parents favor a brother or sister over them. It is sad to see grown sisters and brothers who have never gotten over this resentment and cannot seem to get along with each other even in adulthood. For some reason, they resent the sibling rather than blame the parent who favored the other child. In some cases the sibling may have done nothing to cause the favoritism, yet that child gets resented.

When a child works hard to win an award and the award

is given to someone else, resentment and jealousy result along with a feeling of unfairness and distrust.

When there is resentment, it often stays bottled up inside a child and the child may act out in ways that are unacceptable. There is often an inner feeling of, “I’ll get even”. Parents who wonder why children fuss so much would do well to examine their own behavior with the children to make sure they are not showing favoritism. Parents are doing no favors to a child they “pet”. This really makes it hard for the favored child, as the other children will tend to pick on the child they feel is favored.

It is important for parents to make a special effort to prepare children for the arrival of a new baby in the family. So much attention is required for a new baby that the other children often resent being left out.

The best way to deal with resentment is to prevent it in the first place. Parents need to make a special effort to give attention to all children and not just “grease the wheel that squeaks the loudest”. Some parents make a point of doing something special with a child each week, taking turns with the children. By doing so, each child gets his/her “place in the sun”. Whenever possible, children and spouses need to be able to express their opinions in a nice way and not be required to blindly obey.

Often we “win the battle but lose the war” as we deal with children and spouses. It is better to have good long-range results than immediate obedience that gives us temporary results with resentment.

How to Help Children Plan Ahead

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Train up a child…

 

How to Help Children Plan Ahead

 

My husband and I were privileged to attend a workshop on poverty at the College of the Ozarks. One of the things we learned is that people in poverty usually just think about getting through one day at a time. In light of this fact, it would seem that it is very important to teach our children to think ahead and plan for upcoming happenings.

There are at least three things involved in planning ahead. We need to know what is apt to happen in the future. We need to know what our resources are, and we need to plan ways to use those resources to meet the needs the future events will necessitate.

Fall is a good time of year to teach planning ahead. Even nature gives us illustrations as we watch animals scurry about storing food for the winter.   Scripture tells us in Proverbs 6:6-8, “Go to the ant you sluggard, consider its ways and be wise! It has no commander, no overseer or ruler, yet it stores its provisions in summer and gathers its food at harvest.”

Instead of sheltering our children from unpleasant happenings, we need to let them know the important things that are happening in the world. We need to tell them in such a way as to keep them from panicking, but at the same time letting the children know that these are things to contend with. At this time, we need to tell children about the economy of our country. Nature presents additional future events for which we should plan. The cold of winter, ice storms, and tornados are common in the Midwest. Earthquakes are common many places. When we tell children that everything is going to be all right, we are not telling the truth. If children believe this, they see no need to think ahead and plan for events.

A “sit-down” session with children is appropriate for planning ahead. It is helpful for children to write a list, if they are old enough to write, of events to plan for as well as a list of resources and the plan itself. Parents need to discuss with children the location of resources such as flashlights and candles in case the electricity goes off in a storm. Parents need to be honest about the money situation and enlist the help of the children in deciding needs versus wants. Letting the children help in preparing a budget for the family sets a good example of what they should do when they have a home of their own, and the children will feel like they are part of the family team.

The actual plans of what to do in the various events need to be reviewed occasionally. Not only should children be helped to plan with the family for natural occurrences and worldwide events, but they should also be helped to make study plans for the school year. Upcoming events in the family need to be discussed and planned ahead as well.

Discussing future events, and planning for those events, actually helps children feel more secure. It takes less time to plan ahead than it does to wait until we are in the middle of something and then try to deal with it. All in all, it just makes life go more smoothly!

 

The Value of Physical Activity

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Train up a child…

 

The Value of Physical Activity

 

Children need to develop in four areas. Those four areas are mental, social, spiritual, and physical. Quite often one or more of these areas may be neglected, but each area is important.

Physical development does not come automatically. Even though a child is growing bigger, he may not be growing healthier. An old expression says, “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy”. Children get most of their physical activity from play, but they can also get it from work.

What are the benefits of physical activity? Physical activity strengthens the body. A child who is physically active is usually a happier child. Children involved in team sports learn teamwork and what it means to give one’s best.

The blood in our bodies bathes every muscle and organ bringing nourishment to every part. When we exercise, the heart pumps harder ensuring that each part is reached with the nutrients needed. When a person sits around all the time, the blood doesn’t move as fast and nutrients are not carried throughout the body as needed. Body parts do not work at their maximum without the stimulation of exercise. The brain needs to be bathed by the blood just as does all of the body. We do not think as clearly and as well without exercise.

We’ve heard of those who have been unfortunate and had to spend a lengthy amount of time in the hospital having to learn to walk again. The muscles become very weak without usage. The heart is a muscle. When we exercise and it beats more rapidly, it is getting strengthened, too.

Exercise creates endorphin. Endorphin is a substance that fights pain and depression. We often forget that children can be depressed as much or more than adults. People who don’t exercise often start feeling sorry for themselves and become depressed. Physical exercise helps to prevent this from happening. It is best to keep busy. Teenagers often like to stay in their rooms for long periods of time. This is an emotional time in their lives and at this time they especially need to exercise.

Team sports at school provide a fun way to get exercise. While getting the physical activity, they also learn to put themselves in background positions for the overall good of others. The cheering they hear while playing builds self-esteem and motivates them to go beyond what they have accomplished and reach for more. They often discover that they can do more than they ever thought they could. This transfers to other areas of their lives as well and they develop the attitude that they can do better. This becomes a motivation to be the best they can be.

Sometimes it seems that there is not enough time to do everything a child needs. Exercise can be worked into the schedule in subtle ways. Parents can ask children to run a race to the mailbox. When shopping, the car can be parked at the back of the parking lot to require more walking. The TV, phone, and computer can be limited, and children should have chores to do. Even when dad is wrestling or “rough-housing” the kids on the floor, they are getting some exercise. When I taught second grade, the children in our class planned their own obstacle course. They climbed a 4 ft. wall, leapfrogged over a rock, crawled through a barrel, skipped, hopped, and scissor-stepped back to the starting place. They did this at recess, but a similar course could be made at home.

Let’s keep our kids moving so they can get the exercise they need!