Monthly Archives: October 2017

Teens Expect Much from Parents

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Train up a child…

 

Teens Expect Much from Parents

 

“Leave me alone!” “You don’t trust me!” “I can do it without you!” “Just don’t bother me!” “Will you take me shopping?”

These are some of the confusing outcries of teens. On the one hand, they want to be independent. On the other hand, they want to be taken care of. How is a parent to know what to do??

Transitioning from total independence as a child to complete independence as an adult is not easy for a teen. Needless to say, this transition time is not easy for a teen parent either. Parents must know when to step in and when to step out of the teen’s world. Parents need to know how to be supportive of the teen and still keep the teen safe from harm. Most of all, parents need to know how to nurture the teen’s independence and respect that teen’s desire for independence.

Being a good teen parent begins with the understanding of what the teen is going through. Recognizing the physical, emotional, and social changes taking place makes patience and understanding easier. Rapid physical growth brings about a bigger appetite and sometimes a need for extra sleep. Emotional changes cause the teen to question the meaning of life and to become upset more easily. Social changes cause the teen to easily be embarrassed and confused as to proper behavior. The teen must figure out all of these things. In doing so, the teen needs the parent at times to interject facts or questions to guide thinking. The emotional side of the teen causes the teen to reject an adult’s advice when it becomes too much to handle. When this happens, the parent needs to step back and let the teen calm down.

It is important for a parent to be observant and quickly recognize positive decisions made by the teen. In doing so, the parent becomes supportive of the proper behavior, and the teen will gravitate toward the behavior that is gaining the positive support. When a teen does something right and gets no recognition, that teen is not as likely to repeat the positive action. Teens hunger for positive recognition and will do almost anything to gain it. That is why peer pressure plays such an important role in a teen’s behavior. It follows, then, that if the teen is getting plenty of positive reinforcement at home, school, or church, peer pressure will not have as great an influence as otherwise. Every time a parent is able to positively and honestly compliment the teen, it is like investing in insurance for the time the parent must reject a teen’s decision for that teen’s own safety and well-being. If the teen has received a lot of positive support, that teen is not as likely to be upset when a “no” comes from parents.

Teens need to be given opportunities for “instant success”. Small tasks where a teen easily succeeds build confidence. This is a way of nurturing independence. The teen builds on success. On the other hand, if a teen is put in a position where failure is almost inevitable, a lack of self-confidence is the result and frustration, and possibly even anger, is sure to follow. Simply said, we need to accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative. Of course, it isn’t always possible to do so, but the more we can reinforce the positive, the better the results will be.

Many parents seem to think that as the child becomes a teen, parents are needed less. Perhaps just the opposite is true. Parents must be flexible and change some of the ways of dealing with their child, but very close scrutiny is still required. It takes a great deal of wisdom to raise a teen. Where do we get that wisdom? The Bible tells us that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. Raising a teen is much easier with a great deal of prayer!

How to Talk to a Teen

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Train up a child…

 

How to Talk to a Teen

 

Many parents complain about trying to communicate with their teen son or daughter. “They just clam up and won’t talk”, they often say. There are a few things to consider when trying to “get inside” a teen. Three of those many things are timing, location, and choice of words.

Too many times we want to talk to a teen when it is convenient for us rather than thinking about whether it is convenient to the teen. Teens have many adjustments to make in growing up resulting in many things on their minds and many differing moods. One minute they may be on top of the world and the next minute down in the dumps. It is helpful to determine the mood of the teen at the moment and choose a time when that person is more receptive to conversation. It is not wise to try to talk to a teen if that teen is watching a favorite show on TV, in the middle of a conversation with a friend, or otherwise occupied with something he/she considers very important. It is best to watch for an opportunity when the child is not focused on something else. It seems that to a teen, everything is big and important, even though it may not seem that way to us. To interrupt in the middle of something very important to the teen simply causes the teen to become frustrated and usually unable to concentrate fully on what we might want to discuss.

If a time can be arranged for just the two of you to be alone, that is best. Teens are very self-conscious. They are always worried about what those around them may think of them. The teen cannot be expected to reveal true feelings when friends are around. They will tend to be worried about what their friends may be thinking and will choose answers to impress the friends. It is best to have only the parent or parents present with the teen when serious matters are to be discussed. The teen will usually feel freer to talk with one parent rather than two, but the parent should be alert to any effort on the part of the child to pit one parent against another. Parents need to support each other.

I have found in my past experience that one of the very best places to talk with a teen is in a car. If the teen has a driver’s license, ask to be driven to a drive-in for a coke. For some reason, it seems that teens will open up and tell you almost anything while sitting behind the steering wheel with just the two of you present. I’m not sure why that works, but it seems to always work for me. Another possibility is to take the son or daughter to lunch or shopping where just the two of you are present. The teen feels special for getting the undivided attention and is more apt to talk with you when no one else is present.

Choice of words is so very important. There are key words that upset a teen. Words that deal with how a teen looks can be very cutting. “You” is a word that makes the discussion personal and often carries the connotation of blame. Most of the time, it is better to generalize when discussing behavior rather than personalize. Never butt in when the child is talking. Wait until the child pauses for you to say something. Don’t condemn. Lecturing the child or condemning the child will most certainly keep that child from talking to you in the future. Try to be understanding and ask questions that will cause the person to think and figure out for him/herself the best way to handle a situation. Telling is not teaching. We should always try to get the son or daughter to decide for self the proper way to act or react. Try not to be shocked no matter what you are told. Stay calm and let the teen get everything “off the chest”. Even if you know the child is wrong, remember that you will not convince him/her that it is wrong simply by saying that it is. They must know the reasoning behind the words. The value of asking questions cannot be overestimated. Questions that cannot be answered with a simple “yes” or “no” will stimulate more conversation and thinking.

Teen years are difficult years. It is so much better to get values taught before the teen years arrive, but it is impossible to achieve this goal completely. Our love for our teens requires that we be patient, gentle, and understanding. Emphasis should be placed on the feelings of the teen rather than our own discomfort or feelings. Choosing the right time and location to talk to teens helps to allay discomfort for both. Words can hurt and therefore must be chosen carefully.

Teens Need Help Making Decisions

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Train up a child…

 

Teens Need Help Making Decisions

 

There is a great deal of research now occurring concerning the brain and how it works. Recent research indicates that the part of the brain that influences decision-making and problem-solving is not fully developed during the teen years. The frontal lobes which help control risk-taking and thrill-seeking are not fully developed until around age 20. This causes teenagers to feel invincible and not fully consider the consequences of their choices. If teens know about this research, they might possibly be more open to the acceptance of the advice of parents, teachers, and others who are older.

Below are six primary steps to decision-making for teens. If parents are aware of these steps, they can pass them along to their daughters and sons and better help them with decision-making.

The six steps recommended for decision-making by teens are:

  • List the choices.
  • Think about the pros and cons of each choice.
  • Assess the likelihood of the consequences actually happening.
  • Compare the consequences and their importance.
  • Decide and act.
  • Evaluate the consequences, both expected and unexpected.

 

Parents need to help teens see options when they list choices. It is difficult for teens to see more than one or two options. At this point, they may feel more influence from the opinions of friends. Parents may need to point out that the friends may not have thought of all of the options available.

If parents are patient, teens often welcome their advice. When parents become involved, it is evidence to the young person that the parent cares. There are times when the parent must make the final decision no matter how much conversation has occurred. However, the process of involving the teen has long-lasting benefits. Although the teen may not seem cooperative, the process itself becomes imbedded in the mind of that person to help in the next decision. This process should be repeated over and over to ensure that the teen understands the steps to decision-making. When young people are involved in the decision, they are more likely to follow it.

The teen years are a transitioning time between the total dependence on parents as a child and independence from parents as an adult. The safety of the teen is foremost, but as much as possible with this in mind, teens need to be allowed to make decisions with the understanding that the parent has the last word.

It’s Tough to be the Parents of a Teen

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Train up a child…

 

It’s Tough to be the Parents of a Teen

 

“Who is this new child in my home? This can’t be the child I held on my lap and read to, then heard prayers, gave a hug and kiss and tucked in for a nice night’s sleep! Now I see a child that is much different from anything I ever imagined my child would be! I’m bewildered. My child seems bewildered. To be truthful, I’m scared. I thought I was being the perfect parent, but my child is not being the perfect child. The results I am seeing are not what I expected.”

Many parents of teenagers may very well be thinking the above thoughts. There is no doubt that being the parent of a teenager is a really tough task.

We may tell our children that we will always love them. When children become teens, that love is truly tested. Now, we must prove that love. We must put our pride aside and do what is best for the child, even if it may be embarrassing at times. Love is understanding. Love is patient. Love doesn’t keep score. Love is long-suffering. Love is kind. Love doesn’t have to have its own way. Love is gentle. Can we really display these characteristics with this seemingly new person? When the apostle, Paul, described love in I Corinthians 13, he didn’t say to show these characteristics except with teenagers! Even when our children are not so lovable, we are still supposed to love them and that means displaying the characteristics of love named in the Bible.

We need to remember that the teen years are really tough for the child as well as for the parent. The “acting out” that often accompanies a teen is often the result of the same feelings we may be having as parents. They are scared, bewildered, uncertain, dealing with a new body (a body that is larger and looks different). The teen has not learned the proper way to vent deep emotional feelings. Unfortunately, many parents have not learned this lesson either. The result may be a shouting match between parent and child.

When you stop and think about it, isn’t it rather ridiculous for a parent to be shouting at a child to tell the child not to shout at the parent? Two wrongs don’t make a right! “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1) This truly works. To shout to a child who is already shouting is like pouring gasoline on a fire. It just causes more shouting. No one says it is easy, but we must set an example of the behavior we expect from a child.

Quite often, teens say things they don’t really mean, so we need to learn to look at the heart rather than simply going by the words spoken. A teen may shout, “I hate you!” What they are really thinking and feeling may be “I loved you and I don’t feel you loving me back, and now I am hurting and wish I could feel that love!” It is common for teens to feel alone and that no one understands them. If they can’t feel understanding at home, they will look for it elsewhere. Does this mean that we should let the child get away with being disrespectful? No. It should be pointed out that disrespect has been shown and the child needs to be told what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. Also, the child needs to be told that disagreement is alright, but there is a correct way to disagree. He/she then needs to be taught the acceptable way to disagree. Parents and children can then discuss the issues that are really at the root of the trouble.

“Keeping cool” when a teenage child is showing a hot temper is not easy, but the love for the child can be the very thing that gives us the strength to do just that. It helps to know that many parents have gone through the same challenges, many parents are going through those challenges now, and many more parents will do so in the future. We are not alone and we must not abandon our teens just because it is not pleasant to deal with them.

 

 

 

An Experience in Solo Living

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An Experience in Solo Living

I felt pretty good about myself in the way I had adjusted to living alone during the two years since my husband passed away. I had learned to change light bulbs using that long pole we had. I had hired help with the lawn and gotten good results. I was keeping up with bill paying and managing money pretty well. True, it had been a challenge when the battery went dead on our car, and I had to go have it tested in pouring rain. The guy told me it was bad, but that they didn’t put new ones in. I finally talked him into doing it and gave him a $20 tip. Then, since the tires needed to be replaced and the backup light wasn’t working, I had traded for a new vehicle all by myself. The shingles on my back were a challenge, also. Since I couldn’t see my back, my hairdresser took a picture with my cell phone and I decided to see the doctor.
All of those things, and more, I negotiated successfully, but I wasn’t prepared for another incident that came totally unexpectedly.
I had just returned from our Pathway retreat. Our editor, Don Hinkle, had chosen Peace Valley Ministries in St. Robert, MO, for the writers of our Missouri Baptist Newspaper. It was nice to get away and talk to other writers, but due to the dry weather, it was pretty dusty. I got home and was eager to get into the tub for a nice, long, soaking bath. Since the plants hadn’t been watered the night before, I decided to take care of them before hitting the tub.
I filled the watering can and headed for the deck. I loved that deck. I could sit and watch the boats on Tablerock Lake. I could even hear the train whistle at Silver Dollar City, and, on occasion, hear the people screaming on the roller coaster. I had locked both the dead bolt and lower lock on all doors before leaving for the retreat. When I unlocked the dead bolt, the door popped open about four inches on its own accord. “That’s funny,” I thought, knowing that I had locked both locks. I pushed the door open with my elbow and left it standing open and headed on out to water the plants. I used all the water and headed back for more. The door had closed on its own and I was locked out! Now, the second lock worked!
The deck was above a walkout basement with no way to get on it other than through the house. It was quite a distance from the ground. I stood there a moment trying to think of what to do. My cell phone and life line were inside!  Suddenly, getting in that bathtub wasn’t as important as getting off that deck!
I decided to try to rouse my neighbors. I began yelling for them, but to no avail. There was no way they could hear me. “Maybe they will walk their dogs,” I thought. I sat down to wait. I waited and waited. The road behind the house was empty. The house below ours was a vacation home and the owners came only on holidays and this was not the time for them to come. All that privacy I had enjoyed in the past didn’t seem quite as important now.
I had gone out to water the plants during the commercial of the evening news. That was about 6:15 P.M. The entire subdivision was very quiet. No one was around. The people across the street were in Chicago. It began to get dark.
It was not a good feeling when I realized that I would probably have to spend the night there. At least it had been a warm day, but I knew how damp it could get near the lake. I thought that I could break a window and get in. I checked all the screens and found one with a little slit in it. They were the kind of screens that fasten from the inside, so I knew it would have to be torn so I could get to the bottom and unlatch it. I had a sample piece of tile I had been using as a coaster on the table. I used it and tore the screen open. Success! I removed the screen. Now to break the window!
I took the 4X6 inch tile and turned it so the point would hit the window. After hitting the window with it as hard as I could four times, it was obvious that it wasn’t going to break. Then, thinking further, I realized that even if I broke the window, I wouldn’t be able to get in because there was a wooden shutter on the inside with the bed pushed up against it. My strength wouldn’t be sufficient to move the bed out of the way to get the shutter open.
“Maybe i could put a chair through the door,” I thought. On second thought, the glass might cut me and I would bleed badly. Besides if the window wouldn’t break, the door probably wouldn’t break either. That idea was no good.
Nature was beginning to remind me that the bathroom was inside the house. There was a can on the table that had contained popcorn that someone had given us at Christmas. It had served nicely to hold potting soil for repotting plants. Problem solved! Since it was dark, and no one had heard me yelling, it was pretty certain that no one would see me use it. It came in handy a few more times during the long night to follow!
The TV was still going inside the house and a couple of lights were on. I could see the TV through the window, but could not hear it. There wasn’t anything interesting on anyway. Knowing that it would go off automatically, there was no concern there. It was more interesting to look at the stars than the TV. Soon I saw a light come on in the window of our neighbor’s house. I yelled again, but to no avail. When the light went off, it was certain that no help was coming.
I pushed a chair up next to a table and gathered all the lawn cushions. I sat on one, put one on my back, stuffed one inside each arm of the chair, laid one over my legs, held one on my lap, and propped another over my shoulder and table. It was a little like an igloo! It worked pretty well until early morning when the dew began to settle. The side of the cushions facing out were wet. It’s uncertain how much actual sleep I got. Once I was awakened by a loud motor of a boat on the lake. Since the lake was down the hill a distance, I had already decided there was no help there. Only a couple of other boats had come by and they were too far away to see me. I tried to go back to sleep Several times, I would get up, walk to the window and try to see my watch using the little light available. Then I would rearrange the cushions, try to snuggle down, and go back to sleep. Finally I poked my head out, and the sun was coming up!
The reality of the situation was really settling in now. I had hoped that the man who keeps things going in our subdivision would come by in his ATV as he often worked early mornings. In my heart, I knew it wasn’t going to happen.
When my husband was alive, we used a rope as a dumb waiter. When he grilled on the lower porch, I would let things down to him so we wouldn’t have to run back and forth. That rope was still there, tied to the railing of the deck. I got it and looked at it. It was a blue rope and the blue came off on my hands. It had been there at least three years. “That rope is rotten and will never hold my weight,” I thought. I took the rope, spread it out on the deck and measured it by the sections of railing. “Maybe if I double or triple it…”
I found the center of the rope and tied it to the corner of the rail. There was a handrail that ran along the porch below that perhaps I could reach. The rope was long enough for me to bring up part of it to make it a triple strand. I estimated how much I would need to keep me from hitting the ground and still be able to reach the rail below with my foot. I tied it around my waist. I knew what I had to do. I pushed a chair up to the rail, stepped on the cushion storage box, and over the rail I went. I stepped on the edge of the deck and began to lower myself down. I hadn’t allowed enough rope for me to reach the rail below with my foot! There I was, dangling in the air, yelling for help. Still no help. I reached for the post beside me, felt around with my foot and knew that it was tangled in a wire tomato cone in a big flower pot where I had planted cucumbers. By this time, the rope had moved up under my arms. Reaching the rail was impossible. I had to get out of the rope. I managed to slip it off over my head, and got my foot on the rail below. Teetering on the rail, I saw the flower pot and decided to take a chance and step on it. I did. It turned over and down I went on the concrete porch. Yelling again for help, I waited to get my bearings. I was flat on my back. Not knowing if anything was broken, staying there for a little time seemed the wise thing to do. Finally, I sat up, scooted over to the top of the steps going down to the ground from the porch. After sitting for a while, I gingerly walked around the house to the front and punched in the code to open the garage door.
After resting a bit, I realized my glasses were gone. Neighbors up the street had told me to call them if I ever needed anything. I did. They came and found my glasses and noticed the blood on my skinned nose, probably from the glasses coming off. They were more excited than I was.
It was about a week before I got my soaking bath. I had to shower because I was too sore to get in the tub. The adventure had happened on a Friday night. On Wednesday, I went to the doctor to see if any bones were cracked. None were. Everyone laughed at me except the nurse. She said, “I am not laughing!” When the radiologist called with the x-ray results, she said, “I have a question for you. Do you have a key out there now?”
I have taken a lot of teasing. My daughter said, “My mom, the Ninja warrior!” Ricky, the man who mows the yard, calls me Spiderman. When I went for my hair appointment, my hairdresser called me her hero. She couldn’t believe that an 80 yr. old woman could do what I did. On the next hair appointment, she gave me a Superman cape she had made for me that said, “Super Pat”.
I’m not sure what God had in mind by allowing this experience. Perhaps in the future I will understand. In the meantime, I am not quite as confident about living solo. I keep my cell phone with me except when it is charging. I have a lifeline that I keep near the bathtub when I bathe. When people say, “You just never know when something may happen”, I know that means me as well as others.

It’s Tough to be a Teen

counseling, High School seniors, parenting, Raising kids,

Train up a child…

 

It’s Tough to be a Teen

 

I once viewed a video from the Missouri School Board Association that started off with a statement that one out of every five students in Missouri high schools contemplates suicide at one time or another. What a terrible statistic! The gentleman speaking went on to encourage all school workers in Missouri to be on the lookout for troubled students.

Why would teens want to commit suicide? One of the reasons given by experts is lack of hope. Another reason is the use of drugs. A third reason, in my opinion, may be a lack of religious training to educate them with the fact that suicide is not an end, but a beginning of an after life.

It is difficult for teenagers to cope in society. Most adults expect teens to be a problem. This causes teens to feel that it is normal for them to do things they shouldn’t be doing. I believe, as do many other teachers with whom I’ve spoken, that around age 12 a child comes to a crossroad in life. At this point, the child makes a decision as to whether he/she will try to live a good life or just go for doing what feels good at the moment. Peer pressure influences this decision greatly. In addition to peer pressure, children at this age have generally come in contact with many different sets of values. Each teacher in school has his/her own set of rules and values. Parents have a set of rules and values. If the child comes from a broken home, the rules and values of step-parents have also probably differed. The children have to deal with the values and rules of grandparents from both the real parents and the step parents. Is it any wonder that children become confused? This is especially true considering the fact that most children have not attended church to learn the real values taught there.

Hormonal changes at this point in life have a great effect on the child. Studies show that the cerebellum, the back part of the brain, is actually larger in puberty in proportion to the cerebrum, the front part of the brain. This causes the teen to act on impulse rather than thinking things through. It isn’t until about age 20 that the two parts of the brain come to correct proportion. Rapid growth accompanies the hormonal changes and causes a child to be awkward. One week, when a child reached for a glass of water, the arm was at one length. Soon after, the arm is longer and the brain hasn’t adjusted to the new length, and the child may turn the glass over and spill the water. On top of all of this, horror of horrors, pimples start appearing on the face!

While all of these things are happening, children can be very cruel to each other. Bullying is terrible, but it does exist. We can’t guard every word that comes from the mouth of someone, but, thankfully, efforts are being made in many schools to stop bullying.

Is it any wonder that teens are looking for a way out of all of this? It is too bad that they don’t understand that suicide is not the answer. We need to remind teens that all that is happening is temporary, and if they can hold on, things will get better.

The very best thing parents can do is to get their children in a good church that teaches the love of Christ. If they understand this principle, they will always feel loved. As they are taught that God has a plan for each life, they experience hope that is so desperately needed. It is difficult to understand why more parents don’t get their children in church. It costs no money. Someone else is concerned for the child’s welfare. Many activities are provided that are wholesome activities. I could go on and on about the positive values of church and can think of no negative things. Let’s do what is best for our children and put our personal likes and dislikes aside.