Monthly Archives: August 2018

Design Discipline to the Situation

counseling, parenting, Raising kids, Teaching Children to be Truthful, , , , , ,

Train up a child…

 

Design Discipline to the Situation

 

It seems that many people think that spanking is a cure for every problem observed in a child.  On the other hand, there are those who think that children should never be spanked.  In my opinion, there are times when a spanking may be required; however, there are many other methods of discipline that should also be considered.

My observations lead me to believe that many parents who are quick to spank do so for some invalid reasons. Some will say, “That’s the way I was raised and it worked with me!”  Others may spank simply because they feel they must do something and don’t know (or try to find out) anything else to do.  Some may spank because it is quick and easy and they can convince themselves they have been a good parent because they corrected their child.

Children may not be like their parents and may not require the same discipline.  They certainly live in a different environment with different temptations.  In many cases, spanking a child simply does not work.  As soon as the spanking is over, the child may forget and repeat the action.  Unless a child decides in his/her own mind about right or wrong, that child will probably repeat the action.  Discipline should lead to self-discipline.  Telling is not teaching.  We need to convince children of right and wrong by helping them understand the reasoning behind the rule.

If we don’t spank, what can we do?  Teachers have been creative in discipline since spanking has been prohibited in most schools.  One principal said that he carried his cell phone with him in a classroom and when he saw a child do something especially nice, he said, “You really did a good job! What is your dad’s cell phone number? I would like to call him and tell him what a good job you did!”  He makes the calls on the spot so the class can hear what he says.  He tells the dad what the child did.  The child feels great, the dad feels great, and the whole class is thinking, “Maybe if I do a good job, someone will call my parents!”  The whole class works harder and not only do they realize how easy it is to get a compliment, but in the back of their minds they realize how easy it would be for the teacher or principal to call the parents if they misbehave!

Something that would have a much more lasting effect than a spanking of an older student would be to require a parent to attend class with a son or daughter for a time if the student is unruly.  The embarrassment would hurt far more than any spanking. Parents would probably have to come only a few times!  Other students are sure to watch their steps so it doesn’t happen to them.  Parents would really scold the child so they didn’t have to lose a day’s work again!

If we care enough for children, we will try to understand their behavior and tailor our discipline to their needs to change their thinking.  We need to use any leverage we have such as taking away cell phones, car keys, restricting from activities, etc.  We certainly should not think that one method of discipline fits every circumstance.

Bullies Need Help

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Train up a child…

 

Bullies Need Help

 

When a child is bullied, our first impulse is to immediately do something to the bully.  Rightfully so, the bully should be stopped even if it means using physical restraint or a good hard spanking.  But, if we stop there, we have not corrected the real problem. It is somewhat like cutting off the top of a weed when we garden instead of pulling it up from the root.  If we just cut off the top, the weed is sure to grow back.  If we pull it up by the roots, that is the end of the weed.

When we stop the bullying for the moment, we are just cutting the top off of the weed, so to speak. We need to get to the root of the problem by trying to determine the cause of the bullying.  If we do not do this, the desire remains to continue the unacceptable behavior.  If the desire is not stopped, these children become good candidates for future prison inmates, and many more people get bullied down the road.

Since most bullying stems from how children are raised at home, we really cannot depend on the home to change the child unless there is some sort of help for the family.  This means that a great deal of the responsibility falls on the school or church.  This is unfortunate since the school personnel already have their hands full with so many other things that are required of them.  There is a program for intervening with “at-risk” children. It would seem that bullying is certainly an indication of an “at-risk” child. Hats off to our schools for efforts made in this direction. School counselors and other staff have their hands full when it comes to working with children who want to hurt others.

Too often, the child who bullies is ostracized from the rest of society.  This simply makes the child want to bully all the more. These children want to “lash out” at people who, in their eyes, don’t like them. In truth, the bully may be in far more danger than the victim.  Bullies are left with little hope when society turns its back on them while victims are pitied and coddled and encouraged.  Tough love requires that we stand ready to forgive and at the same time stand firm on not accepting bad behavior. Bullies need love as much, or perhaps even more, than those bullied. This is not an easy thing to do, but we must rise up to loving bullies if we are to help them find a better way to relate to people. Loving does not mean acceptance of bad behavior.  We can love a person without liking what a person does. It takes a certain amount of maturity to be able to do so.  That level of maturity is required to be a good parent or teacher.

Working with bullies may sound like a very complicated job, but it simply comes down to loving all people, being firm, and doing our best to understand the “why” of actions.  Once we understand why a child behaves in the way that child has chosen, we can start to work on the root of the problem. We cannot expect children to act like adults until they are taught to do so.  Of course, we do not want to let our sympathy for a bully be greater than our sympathy for the victim, but we can sympathize with both and try to help both to be able to cope with situations where respect of an individual’s rights have been violated.  By doing so, we are more apt to prevent problems in the future.

 

 

Knowing Why Makes Obeying Easier

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Train up a child…

 

Knowing Why Makes Obeying Easier

 

When a child understands why a rule is important, it is much easier for that child to obey the rule. Too often adults are inclined to simply “bark” orders to a child with no explanation whatsoever.  This leaves a child feeling somewhat like a puppet and unimportant.  In addition, the child may simply obey the command for the moment, but have no reason to continue to obey.

Taking just a few seconds to explain reasons to a child has much benefit.  When a teacher or parent explains reasons, the child feels drawn into the decision-making process and feels a part of accomplishing something important.  The child then begins to think in an analytical manner and apply the principals involved to other actions.  The child also begins to consider the feelings of others and the environmental effects.

It would seem that we adults have a tendency to think that children cannot understand a great deal, so we just skip over explanations.  Actually, children are capable of understanding and reasoning much more than we often give them credit for doing.  They are not a different species!  They may not have the experiences to grasp all that we tell them, but they can understand much and the explanations we give start them on the path to adulthood and decision making that involves others as well as self.

If a child understands that a behavior is affecting another person negatively, that same child is more apt to evaluate his/her own action in another situation as to whether it is affecting others in a good or bad way.  This is especially true when adults include in explanations such statements as, “How would you feel if someone did that to you?” Children tend to act on impulse. Explanations help children learn to think before they act.  This is part of growing up.

When adults take the time to explain reasons, a feeling of teamwork is often established.  Children feel as though the adult considers them important when that adult takes the time to explain reasons.  This takes away some of the rebellious attitude often encountered in forcing a child to obey.  They begin to feel part of a bigger cause than just self. The children take on a feeling of responsibility for accomplishing that cause and are more apt to continue the proper action when away from the adult.

It is good to remember that telling is not teaching.  Unless a child takes something to heart and applies it to everyday actions, that child has not really learned that thing.  Our goal is to develop adults who act properly out of desire to do so, not simply because they have been told they should.  Without explanations, what has been told simply does not stay with the child.  We want adults that consider the feelings of those around them and act in such ways as to get along in society.  We will not accomplish this goal unless children learn reasons for good behavior.

Libraries Have Come a Long Way

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Train up a child…

Libraries Have Come a Long Way

Remember when libraries were plain, dusty, and sometimes smelly?  They were not very inviting.  Things are different now.  I have had the privilege of doing book signings in some libraries and I am amazed at what they now have to offer.  Just as amazing is how well they are being used.  I’ve noticed people bringing tote bags of books to check in and fill those bags with books to take home. Libraries have computer centers for use by visitors and some have printing services to go with the computers.  

Perhaps many are missing out on this wonderful resource for their children. There are those who spend many dollars buying books for their children that could be checked out for free at a library.  Not only can books be checked out, but many libraries have areas especially designed for children to sit and read in a children’s reading room.  The Taneyhills Library in Branson has a children’s area decorated as a forest.  Children can feel as though they are sitting in a forest while reading a book. Some libraries offer special story times for children.  The Christian County library in Ozark has been remodeling.  I can’t wait to see what they have come up with for children.  The Kimberling Area Library has a special children’s library director who is a retired school principal.  They have computer games that correlate with state testing at school.  They also have a volunteer artist who changes the children’s reading area to emphasize different things. The Crane Library, a branch of Stone County library, offers many children’s activities listed on their website, www.stonecountylibrary.org. 

It is a good time, now that school is about to start, to take children to a library to give them a chance to brush up on their reading.  I would like to offer a couple of suggestions for choosing appropriate reading material for children.  With my own children, I always tried to choose reading material that was not only enjoyable, but would teach them something valuable as well.  Let’s face it.  A lot of children’s books teach very little. In some cases children’s books may even teach the wrong thing.  I remember my daughter telling me that she had looked at a book for my granddaughter and was surprised to find that the story revolved around a person landing a modeling job because the scheduled person had broken a leg! We shouldn’t be teaching our children that it is good to gain wants by the misfortune of someone else! In my teaching experience, I have found that reading material done out of school should be easy to read.  A child can’t enjoy it if it is too difficult.  A good rule of thumb is to have the child read one page of the book to you.  If five or more words are missed, the book is too difficult to enjoy reading.  

If parents are alert to opportunities such as libraries offer, they can do much to mold the character and ability of their children.  It would certainly be worth the time of any parent to check out the local library.