Monthly Archives: September 2018

How to Help Children Plan Ahead

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Train up a child…

 

How to Help Children Plan Ahead

 

My husband and I were privileged to attend a workshop on poverty at the College of the Ozarks. One of the things we learned is that people in poverty usually just think about getting through one day at a time. In light of this fact, it would seem that it is very important to teach our children to think ahead and plan for upcoming happenings.

There are at least three things involved in planning ahead.  We need to know what is apt to happen in the future.  We need to know what our resources are, and we need to plan ways to use those resources to meet the needs the future events will necessitate.

Fall is a good time of year to teach planning ahead.  Even nature gives us illustrations as we watch animals scurry about storing food for the winter.     Scripture tells us in Proverbs 6:6-8, “Go to the ant you sluggard, consider its ways and be wise!  It has no commander, no overseer or ruler, yet it stores its provisions in summer and gathers its food at harvest.”

Instead of sheltering our children from unpleasant happenings, we need to let them know the important things that are happening in the world.  We need to tell them in such a way as to keep them from panicking, but at the same time letting the children know that these are things to contend with.   Nature presents additional future events for which we should plan.  The cold of winter, ice storms, and tornados are common in the Midwest.  Earthquakes are common many places.  When we tell children that everything is going to be all right, we are not telling the truth. If children believe this, they see no need to think ahead and plan for events.

A “sit-down” session with children is appropriate for planning ahead.  It is helpful for children to write a list, if they are old enough to write, of events to plan for as well as a list of resources and the plan itself.  Parents need to discuss with children the location of resources such as flashlights and candles in case the electricity goes off in a storm.  Parents need to be honest about the money situation and enlist the help of the children in deciding needs versus wants.  Letting the children help in preparing a budget for the family sets a good example of what they should do when they have a home of their own, and the children will feel like they are part of the family team.

The actual plans of what to do in the various events need to be reviewed occasionally.  Not only should children be helped to plan with the family for natural occurrences and worldwide events, but they should also be helped to make study plans for the school year.  Upcoming events in the family need to be discussed and planned ahead as well.

Discussing future events, and planning for those events, actually helps children feel more secure. It takes less time to plan ahead than it does to wait until we are in the middle of something and then try to deal with it.  All in all, it just makes life go more smoothly!

 

The Language of Love

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Train up a child…

 

The Language of Touch

 

Recently, our three-year-old grandson came climbing up on the couch to sit by me to play with my ipad. I reached down and helped his little squirming body up beside me.  As he snuggled in close, I bent over and kissed the top of his head.  I was surprised when his little hand came up to the front of my shoulder and gave me four soft, gentle, little love pats.  We both felt loved by the other!

It is often the touch of bodies that speak louder than any words.  Touch can tell a child of the love and encouragement from others, but it can also tell of feelings such as anger, impatience, or frustration.

When parents or teachers get angry, it is a real temptation to vent those feelings on children who cannot retaliate.  Adults have been seen to jerk a child out of a car or pick up a child and plop the little one down with too much force.  It is often anger that is behind many spankings, shakings, or slaps. The anger leads to frustration and impatience on the part of the adult that often leads to abuse of a child.

When a child is upset, a soft hand by an adult on the shoulder of the child can soothe and calm the hurt feelings.  When a child is feeling defeated, a little hug can be reassuring.  When a child scrapes a knee or gets hurt in another way, holding a child close says to the child that everything will be alright. Everyone loves to have a pat on the back for accomplishments. Children need hugs often from parents.  A good strong hug each morning before the child leaves for school helps the child be calm during the day.  All of these touches are illustrations of encouragement.

It is uncanny how children can read adults!  Someone has said that you can’t fool children and dogs.  I don’t know about the dogs, but I do know that we often don’t give enough credit to the way children can understand us. The way we touch children speaks volumes. We can tell them through touch that we love them easier than we can convince them with words.  When we spank too often or pull or jerk children around, we are telling them that they are a real bother to us and we wish they weren’t present. This is a terrible feeling for children to carry around.  When they do wrong and we give a hug anyway, we are telling the child that we love them in spite of their mistake.

Loving, bodily touch is so very important.  I remember an incident with our daughter when she was in first grade.  It was my habit to hug each child every morning before they went to school.  On one occasion, our daughter was upset with me and wouldn’t accept my hug.  The next morning she again refused the hug and walked slowly down the driveway.  At the end of the driveway, she turned around, came back and gave me a big hug. “Mom,” she said, “yesterday we didn’t hug and things didn’t go right all day!”

Yes, touch has a language all its own!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Unrealistic Expectations of Children Cause Problems

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Train up a child…

 

Unrealistic Expectations of Children Cause Problems

 

When we don’t expect enough of our children, they become lazy and sloppy and undisciplined.  When we expect too much of them, there are other problems that develop.  When children are expected to do more than they can produce, they may rebel, give up hope, or think they are inferior and unpleasing to others.

Only time spent with children and the love we have for them can help us know what they are capable of doing.  It is not easy to balance the expectations we have of children with their ability.  We all have high hopes for our children, but when we force them to become something they are not, it is sad to see them hurt because they cannot please us.

Much of the rebelliousness we see in children is a result of frustration on their part.  “Nobody loves me” is a common feeling that many children express.  When a child does something well, and gets praised for it, then the “blues” seem to instantly go away.

Imagine how we would feel if someone sat us at the controls of a spaceship and told us we had to fly to the moon!  Of course, we would rebel.  We know we can’t do that, so why try?  Children have a similar feeling when they are put in a situation that is beyond their ability.  Where is the logic in thinking a child will succeed in third grade work when that child cannot do first and second grade work?  Many children who are promoted in school, before they have mastered the requirements of their current grade, have the same feeling we would have when we are told we must do a job that we cannot handle.  As the child continues to be promoted on into high school, quite often that child simply gives up trying and starts acting out in rebellious ways.

Have you ever heard a child say, “What’s the use?”  That is a clue that the child is feeling hopelessness.  It is a terrible thing to be without hope. It may even lead to suicide. When our expectations are beyond the reach of our children, they see no point in trying because they know they cannot accomplish what we want of them.  When they can’t feel acceptance by their parents, they really feel badly. Often they give up trying to please their parents in even small ways because they feel the parents will not be pleased no matter what they do.

Children must feel a sense of accomplishment in order to feel a sense of worth.  Not living up to expectations of others results in a feeling of failure that is hard to overcome.  On the other hand, when children feel that they have done a job well, their morale is bolstered, they regain hope, and they feel their efforts are worthwhile.

It is so very important to expect of a child what we are sure can be accomplished, and then to require that child to perform.  Nothing succeeds like success.  Children build on successes, not failures.  All of us want to repeat those things we have done well; none of us want to tackle those things where we have failed before.  To expect more than a child can achieve is to set that child up to fail. The child is likely to give up hope of ever being able to do that thing in the future.

Restitution is an Important Part of Discipline

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Train up a child…

 

Restitution is an Important Part of Discipline

 

It seems that there is always an ideal way of doing things, and then there’s the realistic way.  Ideally, all discipline would include restitution for the wrong that has been done. Realistically, however, often there is not enough time, or even enough energy left for the parent to use, to require the guilty child to make restitution. When it can be done, there are many benefits for the child who is being corrected.

When a child is required to make restitution, that child has more time to think of the wrong done. The child who has done wrong also learns about the value of the thing that has been broken or destroyed.  When intangible values are involved, the guilty child also learns more about feelings of others and develops compassion.

Many parents think they have done their disciplinary duty with a quick verbal rebuke. Telling is not teaching.  If we want a child to learn, that child must realize the wrong in what has been done and decide that he/she does not want to do it again.  When a quick verbal, “That’s not nice; you shouldn’t have done that,” is given, the child does not really know why it wasn’t nice and will probably repeat the action.  If a child is told why it wasn’t nice and required to do something to make up for what was done, it stays in the mind longer and the learning is reinforced.  Discussion of the feelings of the person being offended is good to help the child further realize the reason for the wrong of the action.

If a child breaks something because of carelessness, that child will probably be more careful in the future if his/her allowance is used to replace the object broken.  Even if the child must simply glue something back together, or repair it another way, that is better than a simple scolding. If a child borrows something and loses it, the child should have to replace it. This may mean that the child must earn money. By doing so, the child learns the monetary value of the object lost.

When a child says something unkind to or about another child, the offending child should be required to say something good about that same person.  At one time, while teaching, I required students to write three good things about a person of whom they had spoken unkindly.  They learn by doing this that there is good in all people and they should make it a practice of looking for good in others..  In such cases, it is always a good idea to go back to the golden rule and ask the child, “How would you feel if someone did that to you?”  Children should be taught to treat others as they want to be treated.

There is almost always some way that a child can try to make restitution for wrongdoing and we, as parents and teachers, need to look for those ways and require children to try to make up for what they have done.  This is far more effective that most spankings and verbal lectures.  The children will remember longer why something shouldn’t be done.  They will think more before they act and probably be far more considerate of feelings of others.