Monthly Archives: January 2019

Patience: A Characteristic of Love

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Train up a child…

Patience:  A Characteristic of Love

         If asked, “Do you love your children?” most parents without hesitation would reply, “Yes, I love my children!”  Most parents probably do think that they love their children.  However, when we examine the true definition of love, we might find ourselves falling short in this area.  

         If we examine definitions of love, we find that the 13thchapter of I Corinthians in the Bible lists the qualities present when there is love.  One of those qualities listed is patience.

         Do we have patience with our children?  In the hurry and scurry of everyday living, we can easily expect too much too soon from those around us.  It is not easy to wait for children to develop skills and make decisions at their own pace.  We sometimes forget that we cannot force a flower to bloom.  With plants, we water, nourish, and prune but the growth comes from within the plant.  So it is with children.  We nourish, and prune (discipline) and provide experiences and advice, but we cannot force the child to grow.  That growth comes from within the child.

         Unfortunately, some parents have a fixed image in mind of what they want the child to be when he/she grows up.  We have all heard of the football player who wants a son to be a football star, etc. In such a situation, the parent may be very impatient and take out his own disappointment on the child.  We need to realize that certain traits are inherent in children at birth.  Again, using gardening as an example, we cannot change a carrot to a radish; we can only try to develop a better carrot or radish.  With children, we need to cultivate those good tendencies or skills that came with them at birth.  We waste time and cause much frustration when we try to force children to be something other than what they are capable of.  We need to be patient as we help them develop into what their Creator designed them for.  

         It is important in the matter of discipline to be able to discern the difference between a mistake and intentional belligerence.  We would be naïve to think that children are born with only good intentions. Intentional belligerence requires immediate discipline.  Mistakes of a child, on the other hand, require our patience and teaching. Probably every child needs admonition at one time or another.  When our children are intentionally naughty, even though we must discipline them, we need to be patient in understanding that they are no different from other kids in that respect.  We should never make a child feel that there is no hope for improvement. I’ve known some parents who seem to really just grind their children down until the child feels there is no hope. Our patience with them gives hope. Without hope, children may either give up or become rebellious.  

         We can’t expect children to be as accomplished as we are.  We have several years of learning ahead of them.  When they seem awkward and break things, it may be because they are growing longer arms and legs and haven’t learned to adjust to the extra size yet.  When they don’t make the right decisions, it may be because they haven’t acquired all the facts and understanding they need to make those decisions.

         Patience is more than a virtue.  Patience is an indication of real love.

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         I

When Children Get Sick

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Train up a child…

When Children Get Sick

         When children get sick, as they inevitably do, we often ponder about how much to “baby” them or just how to care for them. What mother has not sat by the side of a sick child and thought, “I’d rather it were me feeling that way than my child”?  It hurts us emotionally while at the same time it is hurting the child physically.

         Of course, we try to do all we can to prevent that sickness in the first place.  We encourage the children to wash their hands often, singing “Happy Birthday” while scrubbing with soap and warm water to make sure the hands are scrubbed long enough to get clean.  We do our best to make sure the child has plenty of fruit and vegetables in the diet to provide the vitamin C and other nutrients needed to fight the germs.  We try to see that the child is dressed properly for the cold weather, and we try to keep the child away from places where we know germs are present.  In spite of all our care, we often feel at least a little guilt when the child gets sick as we wonder if we did all we could have done to prevent the illness.

         There are actually some positive things that come from sickness.  One such positive learning is that children come to realize that they are vulnerable. Many young people often feel as though they can do anything and nothing bad will ever happen.  Sickness teaches a child that we each need to be careful with how we care for ourselves. A time of sickness in the home can become a time of bonding between family members as all pitch in and help the sick one.  The sick child may learn to appreciate the love and care of others.  A third benefit is a possible development of sympathy and understanding of others when they become sick.  It seems that we can never truly appreciate the feelings of others until we, ourselves, have experienced what they are going through.  People who seldom get sick often are impatient with those who do get sick more often.

         How much care should be given to a sick child? In my opinion, we need to take advantage of this time to “coddle” the child a bit.  There are, of course, occasions when this is not true.  If a child starts to take advantage of the extra attention, we need to back off.  When a child is truly sick, however, that child needs assurance of love and care.  We need a balance of not seeming overly concerned but, at the same time, children need to know that we wish the best for them. To this day, I can remember my mom’s hand on my forehead when, as a child, I would get sick and throw up. I’m sure that hand did no physical good, but it showed that she cared.  Another memory is a time when my dad brought a pretty colored ear of corn from the field for me when I had tonsillitis.  

         Should a child be allowed to watch TV?  Yes, but only educational programs. Should a child do homework?  The child should do homework only if he/she is not feeling too badly.  I would not force it but would check occasionally to see if he/she feels like it, and then I would give assistance. Should a child be allowed to get up and run around?  Generally, we need to allow a child to do what that child feels like doing until the temperature has been normal for at least 24 hours.  Then the child probably needs to go back to school. Sometimes, medicine can make a child feel better while he/she is getting worse.  This may be the case when medicine is given to treat symptoms only and the medicine does not treat the cause of the symptoms.  

         We probably will not do everything perfectly when our children get sick.  We simply try to give proper physical and emotional care to the best of our ability and pray that the Great Physician will do whatever else is needed.  

Note: I will be speaking at the Kimberling City Library on February 2, at 12:50 PM. It would be nice to see you there.

Children Can Choose Friends Wisely

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www.patlambchristianauthor.com

Train up a child…

Children Can Choose Friends Wisely

        

 It has been said that any person who has even three really good friends is truly blessed.  I don’t know if the number is correct, but I do know everyone needs and wants friends.  The trouble comes when we want friends so badly that we compromise what we know is right in order to make friends.  This sometimes happens in childhood.  When it does happen, it can have a profound negative influence on a child’s life.

         Children need to know the characteristics of a genuine friend.  They also need to know how to be a friend to others.  In addition, they need to know that they always have a friend in their family.

         It is a big temptation for children to “hang out” with those who seem to be the most popular.  Quite often, this is the situation that will tempt a child to do things contrary to what they have been taught in order to be accepted.  Parents need to teach children that true friends are those who want the best for them. A true friend would never want anything that would cause the person to get in trouble in any way.  True friends build up; they don’t tear down.  A good friend is one who cares for you even when you are not at your best.  A friend is someone you can trust, not someone you have to constantly try to please. Real friends will not put pressure to change or behave a certain way.  If children understand this, they will not succumb to peer pressure as easily.

         The Bible tells us that if we want friends, we must be friendly. (See Proverbs 18:24 KJV)  This means that they should exhibit the same qualities to others that make a good friend.  They should not be demanding, and always want the best for the other person. The basis of all good manners is kindness and consideration of others.  This holds true, as well, for making friends.  

         Many times a child may get in a situation where it is seemingly impossible to make good friends. When this happens, it is good for the child to know that there is always a friend at home in the form of mom, dad, brother, or sister.  It is so important to support children in this area.  Over and over it seems that children get in trouble because they are searching for something they do not find at home.  One of the reasons a person joins a gang is to make friends and feel like part of a family.  It was enlightening to have a gang member from San Diego, CA, in my GED class in Shell Knob a few years ago.  He told our class in speaking about his gang, “It’s your family, man, it’s your family!” 

         There is a universal need for love and acceptance.  We need to put children in an environment where they can make good, genuine friends to give them this love and acceptance.  Even more importantly, we need to help children realize that they always have a friend in Jesus who loves them unconditionally.

Checklists: Real Voice Savers

counseling, parenting, Raising kids

Train up a child…by Pat Lamb, www.patlambchristianauthor.com

Checklists: Real Voice Savers

         Have you ever found yourself yelling at the kids?  Dr. James Dobson says that trying to direct children by yelling is like trying to drive a car by honking the horn.  Have you ever thought about how tired you get telling the kids things over and over? There is a better way.

         Now, at the beginning of the new year, is a good time to make sure everyone understands individual responsibilities.  If responsibilities, consequences, and rewards are discussed now, things will go smoothly during the year.  Consequences and rewards need to be clarified so there is no misunderstanding later. Then, when children face consequences, it is by their own choice, not the parents, because they clearly understood ahead of time what would happen according to the choices they made.  No heated discussions need occur.  Parents can simply say, “I’m sorry that you made that choice.  You knew what the consequences were when you made your decision.”

         Making checklists can not only save your voice, but they can save much time and effort.  You may say, “But I don’t have time to make a checklist!” Believe me, it takes less time to make a list than to repeat the same thing over and over and then backtrack to see that things have been done.

         Start with making a list of chores that children need to do.  It helps to have the children actually do the list themselves with your input.  Children have a pretty good sense of what they can and can’t do. Our daughter, a single mom, used to have her children sit at the dinner table while she cooked the evening meal and have them do their homework and make out a list of what they needed to do the next day.  It worked beautifully.  The next day, she simply looked at the list to see what had been checked off.  If something had not yet been done, they discussed that evening how it could be accomplished.  They worked as a team.  The children fixed their own lunches in the morning before school and were able to do so because they had discussed ahead of time what they would have and listed those items.  After a few times, the list was not needed.  They knew what to do without the list.

         When our daughter’s children were in upper elementary and high school, a color-coded chart was put on the refrigerator.  It could be told at a glance what had or had not been accomplished.  When something was not done, our daughter simply said, “Dylan, I noticed that you haven’t checked off ________.  When do you plan to do it?”  The children were responsible for the task but were permitted to “trade off” with each other if soccer practice or something else interfered. If they wanted to go to a friend’s house, they knew that they could not go unless chores were done, and they didn’t even bother to ask.  

         I’ve never heard our daughter yell at her children.  Now her son is working in a responsible position and her daughter has a Master’s degree in civil engineering and works for a reputable company..  They are both very responsible individuals.  

         If you haven’t tried checklists, I urge you to do so.  They really work!