Monthly Archives: September 2019

Teens Expect Much from Parents

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by Pat Lamb (www.patlambchristianauthor.com) Author of: Let the Children Come; Children, Come to Me; When the Stars Fall Down; Widening the Church Doors to Teach the Narrow Way; My Thinking Book

Train up a child…

Teens Expect Much from Parents

         “Leave me alone!” “You don’t trust me!” “I can do it without you!” “Just don’t bother me!” “Will you take me shopping?”  

         These are some of the confusing outcries of teens.  On the one hand, they want to be independent.  On the other hand, they want to be taken care of.  How is a parent to know what to do??

         Transitioning from total independence as a child to complete independence as an adult is not easy for a teen.  Needless to say, this transition time is not easy for a teen parent either.  Parents must know when to step in and when to step out of the teen’s world.  Parents need to know how to be supportive of the teen and still keep the teen safe from harm.  Most of all, parents need to know how to nurture the teen’s independence and respect that teen’s desire for independence.

         Being a good teen parent begins with the understanding of what the teen is going through.  Recognizing the physical, emotional, and social changes taking place makes patience and understanding easier.  Rapid physical growth brings about a bigger appetite and sometimes a need for extra sleep.  Emotional changes cause the teen to question the meaning of life and to become upset more easily.  Social changes cause the teen to easily be embarrassed and confused as to proper behavior. The teen must figure out all of these things.  In doing so, the teen needs the parent at times to interject facts or questions to guide thinking.  The emotional side of the teen causes the teen to reject an adult’s advice when it becomes too much to handle.  When this happens, the parent needs to step back and let the teen calm down.  

         It is important for a parent to be observant and quickly recognize positive decisions made by the teen.  In doing so, the parent becomes supportive of the proper behavior, and the teen will gravitate toward the behavior that is gaining the positive support.  When a teen does something right and gets no recognition, that teen is not as likely to repeat the positive action.  Teens hunger for positive recognition and will do almost anything to gain it.  That is why peer pressure plays such an important role in a teen’s behavior.  It follows, then, that if the teen is getting plenty of positive reinforcement at home, school, or church, peer pressure will not have as great an influence as otherwise.  Every time a parent is able to positively and honestly compliment the teen, it is like investing in insurance for the time the parent must reject a teen’s decision for that teen’s own safety and well-being.  If the teen has received a lot of positive support, that teen is not as likely to be upset when a “no” comes from parents.  

         Teens need to be given opportunities for “instant success”.  Small tasks where a teen easily succeeds build confidence.  This is a way of nurturing independence.  The teen builds on success.  On the other hand, if a teen is put in a position where failure is almost inevitable, a lack of self-confidence is the result and frustration, and possibly even anger, is sure to follow.  Simply said, we need to accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative.  Of course, it isn’t always possible to do so, but the more we can reinforce the positive, the better the results will be.  

         Many parents seem to think that as the child becomes a teen, parents are needed less.  Perhaps just the opposite is true.  Parents must be flexible and change some of the ways of dealing with their child, but very close scrutiny is still required.  It takes a great deal of wisdom to raise a teen.  Where do we get that wisdom?  The Bible tells us that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. Raising a teen is much easier with a great deal of prayer!

How to Talk to a Teen

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by Pat Lamb (www.patlambchristianauthor.com) Author of: Let the Children Come; Children, Come to Me; When the Stars Fall Down; Widening the Church Doors to Teach the Narrow Way; My Thinking Book (Available on my website, Amazon, and Barnes & Noble)

Train up a child…

How to Talk to a Teen

         Many parents complain about trying to communicate with their teen son or daughter.  “They just clam up and won’t talk”, they often say.  There are a few things to consider when trying to “get inside” a teen.  Three of those many things are timing, location, and choice of words.

         Too many times we want to talk to a teen when it is convenient for us rather than thinking about whether it is convenient for the teen.  Teens have many adjustments to make in growing up resulting in many things on their minds and many differing moods.  One minute they may be on top of the world and the next minute down in the dumps. It is helpful to determine the mood of the teen at the moment and choose a time when that person is more receptive to conversation. It is not wise to try to talk to a teen if that teen is watching a favorite show on TV, in the middle of a conversation with a friend, or otherwise occupied with something he/she considers very important.  It is best to watch for an opportunity when the child is not focused on something else  To interrupt in the middle of something very important to the teen simply causes the teen to become frustrated and usually unable to concentrate fully on what we might want to discuss. 

         If a time can be arranged for just the two of you to be alone, that is best.  Teens are very self-conscious and are always worried about what those around them may think of them. The teen cannot be expected to reveal true feelings when friends are around.  They will tend to be worried about what their friends may be thinking and will choose answers to impress the friends.  It is best to have only the parent or parents present with the teen when serious matters are to be discussed.  The teen will usually feel freer to talk with one parent rather than two, but the parent should be alert to any effort on the part of the child to pit one parent against another. Parents need to support each other. 

 I have found in my past experience that one of the very best places to talk with a teen is in a car.  If the teen has a driver’s license, ask to be driven to a drive-in for a coke.  For some reason, it seems that teens will open up and tell you almost anything while sitting behind the steering wheel with just the two of you present.  I’m not sure why that works, but it seems to always work for me.  Another possibility is to take the son or daughter to lunch or shopping where just the two of you are present.  The teen feels special for getting the undivided attention and is more apt to talk with you when no one else is present.

         Choice of words is so very important.  There are key words that upset a teen.  Words that deal with how a teen looks can be very cutting.  “You” is a word that makes the discussion personal and often carries the connotation of blame.  Most of the time, it is better to generalize when discussing behavior rather than personalize.  Never butt in when the child is talking.  Wait until the child pauses for you to say something.  Don’t condemn.  Lecturing the child or condemning the child will most certainly keep that child from talking to you in the future.  Try to be understanding and ask questions that will cause the person to think and figure out for him/herself the best way to handle a situation.  Telling is not teaching.  We should always try to get the son or daughter to decide for self the proper way to act or react.  Try not to be shocked no matter what you are told.  Stay calm and let the teen get everything “off the chest”.  Even if you know the child is wrong, remember that you will not convince him/her that it is wrong simply by saying that it is.  They must know the reasoning behind the words.  The value of asking questions cannot be overestimated.  Questions that cannot be answered with a simple “yes” or “no” will stimulate more conversation and thinking. 

         Teen years are difficult years.  It is so much better to get values taught before the teen years arrive, but it is impossible to achieve this goal completely.  Our love for our teens requires that we be patient, gentle, and understanding.  Emphasis should be placed on the feelings of the teen rather than our own discomfort or feelings.  Choosing the right time and location to talk to teens helps to allay discomfort for both.  Words can hurt and therefore must be chosen carefully.

Teens Need Help Making Decisions

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by Pat Lamb (www.patlambchristianauthor.com) Author of: Let the Children Come; Children, Come to Me; When the Stars Fall Down; Widening the Church Doors to Teach the Narrow Way; My Thinking Book

Train up a child…

Teens Need Help Making Decisions

         There is a great deal of research now occurring concerning the brain and how it works.  Recent research indicates that the part of the brain that influences decision-making and problem solving is not fully developed during the teen years. The frontal lobes which help control risk-taking and thrill-seeking are not fully developed until around age 20. This causes teenagers to feel invincible and not fully consider the consequences of their choices. If teens know about this research, they might possibly be more open to the acceptance of the advice of parents, teachers, and others who are older.

         According to Jeremy Elliot-Engel, a 4-H youth development specialist with the University of Missouri Extension, there are six primary steps to decision-making for teens.  If parents are aware of these steps, they can pass them along to their daughters and sons and better help them with decision-making.

         The six steps recommended for decision-making by teens are:

  • List the choices.
  • Think about the pros and cons of each choice.
  • Assess the likelihood of the consequences actually happening.
  • Compare the consequences and their importance.
  • Decide and act.
  • Evaluate the consequences, both expected and unexpected.

Parents need to help teens see options when they list choices.  It is 

difficult for teens to see more than one or two options.  At this point, they may feel more influence from the opinions of friends.  Parents may need to point out that the friends may not have thought of all of the options available.

         If parents are patient, teens often welcome their advice.  When parents become involved, it is evidence to the young person that the parent cares.  There are times when the parent must make the final decision no matter how much conversation has occurred.  However, the process of involving the teen has long-lasting benefits.  Although the teen may not seem cooperative, the process itself becomes imbedded in the mind of that person to help in the next decision. This process should be repeated over and over to ensure that the teen understands the steps to decision-making. When young people are involved in the decision, they are more likely to follow it.

         The teen years are a transitioning time between the total dependence on parents as a child and independence from parents as an adult.  The safety of the teen is foremost, but as much as possible with this in mind, teens need to be allowed to make decisions with the understanding that the parent has the last word.

It’s Tough to be a Teen

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by Pat Lamb (Author of: Let the Children Come; Children, Come to Me; When the Stars Fall Down; Widening the Church Doors to teach the Narrow Way; My Thinking Book) www.patlambchristianauthor.com

Train up a child…

It’s Tough to be a Teen

         I once viewed a video from the Missouri School Board Association that started off with a statement that one out of every five students in Missouri high schools contemplates suicide at one time or another.  What a terrible statistic!  The gentleman speaking went on to encourage all school workers in Missouri to be on the lookout for troubled students.

         Why would teens want to commit suicide?  One of the reasons given by experts is lack of hope.  Another reason is the use of drugs.  A third reason, in my opinion, may be a lack of religious training to educate them with the fact that suicide is not an end, but a beginning of an after life.

         It is difficult for teenagers to cope in society.  Most adults expect teens to be a problem.  This causes teens to feel that it is normal for them to do things they shouldn’t be doing.  I believe, as do many other teachers with whom I’ve spoken, that around age 12 a child comes to a crossroad in life. At this point, the child makes a decision as to whether he/she will try to live a good life or just go for doing what feels good at the moment.  Peer pressure influences this decision greatly.  In addition to peer pressure, children at this age have generally come in contact with many different sets of values.  Each teacher in school has his/her own set of rules and values. Parents have a set of rules and values. If the child comes from a broken home, the rules and values of step-parents have also probably differed. The children have to deal with the values and rules of grandparents from both the real parents and the step parents. Is it any wonder that children become confused?  This is especially true considering the fact that most children have not attended church to learn the real values taught there.

         Hormonal changes at this point in life have a great effect on the child.  Studies show that the cerebellum, the back part of the brain, is actually larger in puberty in proportion to the cerebrum, the front part of the brain.  This causes the teen to act on impulse rather than thinking things through.  It isn’t until about age 20 that the two parts of the brain come to correct proportion.  Rapid growth accompanies the hormonal changes and causes a child to be awkward. One week, when a child reached for a glass of water, the arm was at one length. Soon after, the arm is longer and the brain hasn’t adjusted to the new length, and the child may turn the glass over and spill the water.  On top of all of this, horror of horrors, pimples start appearing on the face!

         While all of these things are happening, children can be very cruel to each other.  Bullying is terrible, but it does exist.  We can’t guard every word that comes from the mouth of someone, but, thankfully, efforts are being made in many schools to stop bullying.

         Is it any wonder that teens are looking for a way out of all of this?  It is too bad that they don’t understand that suicide is not the answer. We need to remind teens that all that is happening is temporary, and if they can hold on, things will get better. 

         The very best thing parents can do is to get their children in a good church that teaches the love of Christ.  If they understand this principle, they will always feel loved.  As they are taught that God has a plan for each life, they experience hope that is so desperately needed.  It is difficult to understand why more parents don’t get their children in church.  It costs no money.  Additional people are concerned for the child’s welfare.  Many activities are provided that are wholesome activities. I could go on and on about the positive values of church and can think of no negative things.  Let’s do what is best for our children and put our personal likes and dislikes aside.