by Pat Lamb (Author of: Let the Children Come; Children, Come to Me; When the Stars Fall Down; Widening Church Doors to Teach the Narrow Way; My Thinking Book; Love is….) Books are available on Amazon, Barnes and Noble; www.patlambchristianauthor.com
Children Need Rules to Live By
Train up a child….
Children Need Rules to Live By
Children who have no rules to live by are like ships without anchors. They are insecure and restless. They are not successful in life and always seem to be seeking satisfaction and never finding it. They are not happy children and do not make happy adults. There is no certainty in their actions and they are somewhat like a ship without a steering mechanism and seem to be tossed here and there. Parents, teachers, grandparents, and others are doing children no favors by letting them get by without obeying rules.
Rules must be appropriate and fair. There are rules that are non-negotiable, rules that are negotiable, and rules that are self-imposed.
Non-negotiable rules need to be instilled in children early, so they can be taught at a very young age that certain ways of behaving are not open for discussion or debate. Parents must determine these rules. In our house one of those rules was that children were never to hit a parent as many babies are inclined to do when they don’t get their way. Even at that young age, a parent can hold a child’s hand and firmly say, “Do not do that!” Of course, a baby will continue to try to have its way, but repeated and consistent rebukes will eventually stop the baby from trying. In addition to not hitting or sassing parents, our children grew up knowing that the family attended church regularly and that was just something we did and it was not open for debate. Other non-negotiable rules should include: not stealing, always telling the truth, not tearing up things, using proper manners at the table when eating, being polite to other people. Each set of parents will have its own set of rules. Parents can simply tell children, “There are certain things we do and certain things we do not do at our house.” It is necessary to follow up with consistency and not allow misbehavior to go unnoticed even once according to the rules that are set.
After the “absolutely must” rules are in place, other rules need to be made for the day-by-day activities. It is much easier for children to obey this type of rule when they have had a part in crafting it. Ideally, adults and children express problems and discuss ways to correct the problems. The rules are written down and placed in a prominent place for reference. If the rules deal with chores, a chart can be made for children to check off the chores as they are completed.
Many parents feel that they don’t have time to have a meeting and discussion with the children. Actually, in the long run a family meeting saves a great deal of time as well as frustration. It becomes unnecessary for the parents to keep reminding the children if the rules are written down and the chart has been checked. Whenever the parent glances at the chart, he/she can simply say, “Johnny, I see that you haven’t done your chore. When do you plan to do it?” Allowances can be withheld if chores are not completed or rules are not followed.
Patterns set in the home for rules are carried over in the personality of the child, and that child becomes a person who imposes rules on self. Children, who are accustomed to rules, understand that rules are important and they make their own rules for getting homework done or managing their relationships. Our granddaughter once told me, “You know, Nana, I always do the hard stuff first to get it out of the way and then I don’t mind doing the easy stuff.” This was a self-imposed rule that worked for her. As children do each task, they do what is called “self talk”. This “self talk” often includes self-made rules that they follow.
Knowing to follow the rules eliminates the uncertainty of what to do. Children who know and follow rules don’t have to wonder if they have done the right thing. They know that they have done the right thing, and the fact that they have acted correctly helps in building self-esteem. There is an inner peace and assurance of rightness. Not only does the child feel good about him/herself, that child will probably receive many compliments from adults and children alike, and that adds to self-esteem as well. When parents are fair and rules are fair, children learn to live by the rules in society. I have never seen a child who seemed really happy who didn’t know how to follow rules.