Tag Archives: mental health of children

The Language of Love

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Train up a child…

 

The Language of Touch

 

Recently, our three-year-old grandson came climbing up on the couch to sit by me to play with my ipad. I reached down and helped his little squirming body up beside me.  As he snuggled in close, I bent over and kissed the top of his head.  I was surprised when his little hand came up to the front of my shoulder and gave me four soft, gentle, little love pats.  We both felt loved by the other!

It is often the touch of bodies that speak louder than any words.  Touch can tell a child of the love and encouragement from others, but it can also tell of feelings such as anger, impatience, or frustration.

When parents or teachers get angry, it is a real temptation to vent those feelings on children who cannot retaliate.  Adults have been seen to jerk a child out of a car or pick up a child and plop the little one down with too much force.  It is often anger that is behind many spankings, shakings, or slaps. The anger leads to frustration and impatience on the part of the adult that often leads to abuse of a child.

When a child is upset, a soft hand by an adult on the shoulder of the child can soothe and calm the hurt feelings.  When a child is feeling defeated, a little hug can be reassuring.  When a child scrapes a knee or gets hurt in another way, holding a child close says to the child that everything will be alright. Everyone loves to have a pat on the back for accomplishments. Children need hugs often from parents.  A good strong hug each morning before the child leaves for school helps the child be calm during the day.  All of these touches are illustrations of encouragement.

It is uncanny how children can read adults!  Someone has said that you can’t fool children and dogs.  I don’t know about the dogs, but I do know that we often don’t give enough credit to the way children can understand us. The way we touch children speaks volumes. We can tell them through touch that we love them easier than we can convince them with words.  When we spank too often or pull or jerk children around, we are telling them that they are a real bother to us and we wish they weren’t present. This is a terrible feeling for children to carry around.  When they do wrong and we give a hug anyway, we are telling the child that we love them in spite of their mistake.

Loving, bodily touch is so very important.  I remember an incident with our daughter when she was in first grade.  It was my habit to hug each child every morning before they went to school.  On one occasion, our daughter was upset with me and wouldn’t accept my hug.  The next morning she again refused the hug and walked slowly down the driveway.  At the end of the driveway, she turned around, came back and gave me a big hug. “Mom,” she said, “yesterday we didn’t hug and things didn’t go right all day!”

Yes, touch has a language all its own!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bullies Need Help

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Train up a child…

 

Bullies Need Help

 

When a child is bullied, our first impulse is to immediately do something to the bully.  Rightfully so, the bully should be stopped even if it means using physical restraint or a good hard spanking.  But, if we stop there, we have not corrected the real problem. It is somewhat like cutting off the top of a weed when we garden instead of pulling it up from the root.  If we just cut off the top, the weed is sure to grow back.  If we pull it up by the roots, that is the end of the weed.

When we stop the bullying for the moment, we are just cutting the top off of the weed, so to speak. We need to get to the root of the problem by trying to determine the cause of the bullying.  If we do not do this, the desire remains to continue the unacceptable behavior.  If the desire is not stopped, these children become good candidates for future prison inmates, and many more people get bullied down the road.

Since most bullying stems from how children are raised at home, we really cannot depend on the home to change the child unless there is some sort of help for the family.  This means that a great deal of the responsibility falls on the school or church.  This is unfortunate since the school personnel already have their hands full with so many other things that are required of them.  There is a program for intervening with “at-risk” children. It would seem that bullying is certainly an indication of an “at-risk” child. Hats off to our schools for efforts made in this direction. School counselors and other staff have their hands full when it comes to working with children who want to hurt others.

Too often, the child who bullies is ostracized from the rest of society.  This simply makes the child want to bully all the more. These children want to “lash out” at people who, in their eyes, don’t like them. In truth, the bully may be in far more danger than the victim.  Bullies are left with little hope when society turns its back on them while victims are pitied and coddled and encouraged.  Tough love requires that we stand ready to forgive and at the same time stand firm on not accepting bad behavior. Bullies need love as much, or perhaps even more, than those bullied. This is not an easy thing to do, but we must rise up to loving bullies if we are to help them find a better way to relate to people. Loving does not mean acceptance of bad behavior.  We can love a person without liking what a person does. It takes a certain amount of maturity to be able to do so.  That level of maturity is required to be a good parent or teacher.

Working with bullies may sound like a very complicated job, but it simply comes down to loving all people, being firm, and doing our best to understand the “why” of actions.  Once we understand why a child behaves in the way that child has chosen, we can start to work on the root of the problem. We cannot expect children to act like adults until they are taught to do so.  Of course, we do not want to let our sympathy for a bully be greater than our sympathy for the victim, but we can sympathize with both and try to help both to be able to cope with situations where respect of an individual’s rights have been violated.  By doing so, we are more apt to prevent problems in the future.

 

 

Promises! Promises!

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Train up a child…

 

Promises! Promises!

 

It is so very easy to make a promise to a child.  Sometimes when we do so, we are secretly hoping the child will forget what we said and not hold us to it.  Other times, we really have good intentions to follow through, but other things seem to distract us, and we never follow through hoping the child will forget.  The reality is that children don’t forget the promises we make and when we make those promises and don’t follow through, we lose our credibility in their minds.

King Solomon tells us in the book of Ecclesiastes, chapter 5 and verses 4 and 5, that we should fulfill what we vow and that it is better not to make a vow than to vow and not fulfill it. From this scripture, we know that we should be very careful to make even a small promise and not follow through with it.

It is far too easy to put a child off by saying, “Just a minute”.  One mother told me that her son came to her once and said, “Mom, how long is a minute?”  She had forgotten to get back to him.  It is better to say something like, “I’m doing _______ now, and when I get finished, I will try to help you.”  The phrase, “I will try” is much better than a promise because it leaves the door open for the reality that the action may not be possible.  In this way, we are being honest with the child.

When an adult makes a promise to a child and does not follow through, that adult is saying by actions that the thing that prevented the keeping of the promise was more important than the child.  The child then concludes in his/her mind that the adult does not care as much for the child as for whatever interfered with the keeping of the promise. Parents may think, “Doesn’t the child realize I have to work and make a living for the family?” The truth is that the child does not realize that unless it has been explained.  That is why parents and other teachers and leaders should take the time to explain the “whys” of actions to children.

Even well-meaning church leaders often make mistakes by saying things like, “I’ll pray for you,” and then not follow through and do so.  Unfortunately, those in leadership positions sometimes think that because of their position, everyone should understand if they don’t follow through with a promise.  This should not be so.  A parent, church leader, or teacher does not have the right to break promises simply because of status.  In God’s eyes, they are no more important than that little child who is looking up to them to be an example.

Heaven help the adult who breaks promises to others for self pleasure!  That person will be held accountable no matter how important a position they may be holding.  We need to be very, very careful about making promises.  Once that promise is made, every effort should be made to keep it and not disappoint those to whom it is made.  We must never forget that children are a gift from God.  They are like fragile little flowers.  Their spirits are easily bruised and, unfortunately, sometimes broken.

Experience is the Best Teacher

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Train up a child…

 

Experience is the Best Teacher

 

One of the most important things parents can do is to make sure that their children have a large quantity and variety of experiences.  Through experiences children learn to appreciate what others go through to provide their needs, gain a better understanding of the world around them, and increase their skill and knowledge.

Adults often exclaim that children do not appreciate what they have.  It is difficult to appreciate what is given to them if they put forth no effort to obtain it.  Such experiences as picking berries or helping in a garden by pulling weeds give children an appreciation that no amount of lecturing could ever accomplish.  They learn first-hand what it takes to provide those items.  It is gratifying to see families picking berries together at Persimmon Hill Berry Farm in Lampe, MO.  There are other places around the area where children can participate as well.  Even gardening in flower pots or buckets in the yard give some needed experience with plants and food provision.

Experiences of watching production of food or other items in factories or plants provide understanding of effort that goes into providing our wants and needs. A trip to factories, a trip to the Tyson chicken plant in Berryville, AR, or other places that produce items we use can be eye-openers to children.  They begin to understand that much work is involved in providing their needs. It is also a good lesson in science to see how machinery works.  When families go on vacation, there are often places where children can take a tour and see how things are produced.  Our grandchildren were able to tour the Jelly Belly factory in Fairfield, CA.  That was a great thrill for them.  It was especially nice when they were given some free candy at the end of the tour!

Children who are limited in experiences are usually limited in vocabulary as well.  Without realizing it, new words are being used in almost every new experience a child may have.  As children are allowed to participate, they enhance skills and abilities.

Some experiences are a lot of fun as well as educational.  The Butterfly Palace in Branson is a wonderful place to take children. It is so much fun to see those beautiful creatures flying around and the film shown there is excellent. Mission trips for teenagers that many churches sponsor in the summer are wonderful! They certainly foster the understanding of how other people live.  One church in the area is currently sponsoring a trip to Alaska.  Another church periodically sponsors trips to the Navajo reservation to help there in Vacation Bible School.

When we make sure children have a variety of experiences, we find that those experiences, themselves, do the teaching for us.  Only a few words or comments are required to guide the children.  No one has to tell a child how hard it is to provide blueberries to eat if that child has picked a quart or so of them!  I doubt that as much food would be wasted once children learn what goes into providing it for them.  Appreciation is naturally going to come!  When teenagers prepare meals for the family, they are not apt to complain when mom or dad doesn’t have a meal on the table on time for them. They have learned that is it not so easy and they have a greater appreciation of the effort of their folks. When teens see children living in hogans on an Indian reservation, how can they not appreciate what they have?

There are many opportunities for children to experience many things if we are alert to the possibilities. Those experiences teach far more than our words.

 

 

Chores for Toddlers

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Train up a child…

 

Chores for Toddlers

 

Can toddlers really do chores?  Yes. Even at this early age, children should begin helping to keep the home as it should be. Will they do a perfect job? No. They will, however, begin the learning process of doing certain chores and gain the realization that they are important in contributing to the work that needs to be done.

All chores done by toddlers need to be supervised by adults.  Time spent teaching children at this level will pay big dividends in the years to come when the children are able to do many things without total supervision. Toddler chores are done alongside adults.  Keeping children busy helping out at this age prevents their doing things that cause more messes to be cleaned up.  Toddlers are usually eager to help and have that look of satisfaction on their faces when they are praised for their efforts.

 

Here are some things toddlers can do:

 

  • Pick up/put away toys. (It is helpful to make a game of this.Counting to ten slowly as toys are put away and trying to get them all put away by the end of the count makes a fun game of the task.)
  • Help unload the dishwasher. Toddlers can put away silver or plastic items that can be reached.They may need a step stool to reach the silverware drawer
  • Dust larger items with a feather duster as someone else dusts the smaller items
  • Use a small broom or Swiffer to help dust the floor
  • Pick up dirty clothes and put them in the hamper
  • Put clean clothes away in drawers that can be reached with a step stool, and carry clean clothes to rooms where they belong
  • Help scrub spots off the floor
  • Pick up things that are dropped as cooking is done
  • Stir some things that are being mixed in the kitchen
  • Dust baseboards
  • Take clothes out of the dryer and put them in the laundry basket
  • Carry dirty silverware from the table to the kitchen after eating
  • Throw paper plates and cups in the trash after eating
  • Go get items for mommy and daddy
  • Take items to others as directed

 

We tend to underestimate what children can do.  In days gone by, it was necessary for children to help in families in order to survive.  Children knew they were of value to the family as they performed necessary tasks. We have so many helpful tools now that we tend to allow children to have too much time on their hands.  Self esteem is achieved by actually being worth something.  Children find self worth through achievement of worthwhile activities.  We rob our children of this wonderful feeling when they are not allowed to participate in doing things that have value.

 

Children Need Chores

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Train up a child…

 

Children Need Chores

 

It is hard to overemphasize the importance of children having chores around the house.  By participating in fulfilling the needs of the family, children form a bond with the family unit and gain a feeling of worth. We often sell children short and lower our expectations when we really need to tap into their large supply of energy and help them know they are contributing in a positive way to meet needs around them.

One reason parents may not require children to do chores is that they may feel uncertain as to what the children are able to do.  Following are some general ideas of chores that children ages 6-8 may be able to do.

  • Assist in meal preparation (mash potatoes, simple cutting with supervision, mixing salad, find ingredients, wash produce, read recipes)
  • Wipe bathroom sinks, counters, toilets (this is a good time to teach the proper use of cleaning agents and emphasize the harm that can be caused by improper use)
  • Sweep
  • Vacuum
  • Fold, hang up and put away laundry
  • Collect garbage
  • Clean the microwave
  • Wipe out self-cleaning ovens after they have been cleaned
  • Run errands
  • Rake leaves
  • Set the table
  • Clear the table and wash items too large for dishwasher
  • Wash, dry dishes and put away
  • Get the mail
  • Water plants indoors and outdoors
  • Pick up and put away things

It is a good idea to have a daily schedule for children.  One idea that worked at our house was to require our children to do their chores in the morning, have lunch, have a quiet time, and then allow the children free time in the afternoon to play with friends or do other activities.  Children who have no schedule feel insecure and “at loose ends”, uncertain as to how to spend their time.

 

Children who are not kept busy will find ways to busy themselves.  Children are not capable of always making the right decisions for themselves, and they will often get in trouble when left to do so. It is best to keep children busy with positive activities; then, they won’t have time to get in trouble.

Making Memories on Memorial Day

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Train up a child…

 

Make Memories on Memorial Day

 

Creating good memories for children is like investing in the future.  Family traditions experienced as children form the basis for the creation of their own family traditions when those children become adults.  Families form bonds that last throughout life as they learn of past family history. They learn to respect and appreciate the sacrifices made by ancestors and the many men and women who have fought for our freedom as they participate in the observance of Memorial Day.

Many families have a tradition of decorating the graves of family members and friends on Memorial Day. In fact, the day was once called “decoration day”.  When the routine is repeated each year, the children learn not to question the day’s activities.  They know ahead of time what will be done on that day.  Many families are scattered and no longer can get together, but the memory of that day remains in the minds of those who have participated in the day’s activities in the past.  When our children were young, we were away from all of our relative’s graves, but we took the children to the grave of a former neighbor who had befriended the children.  We mentioned those in the past from our own families.

Memorial Day is a time to remember the past history of the family.  We should not allow ourselves to be deterred by jokes about telling about the past.  Children need to know about the past and the lives of their ancestors.  They especially need to be told of the heroic accomplishments of family members in the past.  A little of the negative side serves to remind the children of what not to do or be.  Storytelling has great value for children.  It requires them to visualize for themselves rather than having a picture to go by.  It helps in developing their listening skills.  Most families have some members who have given their lives to protect our freedom.  These people should be pointed out and stories told of their bravery.

When children carefully walk through a cemetery, they sense that it is a special place and that respect should be given to those who are buried there.  As they hear stories about past loved ones, they cannot help but develop appreciation for the sacrifices that were made.  They will undoubtedly be motivated to make their own lives productive.

A good way to end the day is to have a barbeque or other type of picnic or family get-together. One of the things that children love most is to have parents and grandparents play games with them.  They enjoy watching the adults run or make mistakes of any kind as they play such games as workup softball, tag, hide-and-seek, etc.

An often overlooked holiday, Memorial Day can be a real opportunity to develop appreciation and respect. It is a time to bond as a family.  The traditions of a family on Memorial Day are traditions to cherish.

 

Winding Down the School Year

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Winding Down the School Year

 

Toward the end of the school year, various attitudes surface among children.  Some children begin to slack off—much like the “senioritis” that some seniors experience.  Some children work harder to make sure they pass the final exams.  Other children seem to develop a touch of “spring fever” and their minds seem to be on the summer instead of the present time.

Parents begin to look forward to the summer.  They, too, have various attitudes.  Some parents begin to dread having the children at home all summer. Other parents begin worrying about babysitters or places to send the children to take up part of the time.  Wise parents will plan ahead to make sure that the summer is well spent for the child’s growth socially, physically, mentally, and spiritually.

Here are some general ideas to help parents plan:

Social Growth Activities:

Arrange a family get-together with relatives at least once during the summer.

Arrange a get-together with another family or two during the summer.

Enroll children in activities in the community.

Teens should be encouraged to get a job appropriate to their ability.

Physical Growth Activities:

Allow the children to sign up for a ball team, swimming team, or another group that uses physical activity.

Play with the children.

Do lake activities such as water skiing or swimming.

Mental Activities:

Make sure the children visit the local library a few times.

Encourage the children to have a one-hour quiet time each day to read or write.

Help the children make out a budget to use any money they may earn doing chores or at a job.

Take a trip out of the area. Stop at historical markers along the way.  Have maps available, or let them use electronic devices, for children to track progress on the trip.

 

Spiritual Activities:

Enroll the children in a summer church camp

Be sure to take children to church each Sunday and allow them to participate in church activities.

Take advantage of Vacation Bible School conducted by many churches,

No child likes to think that every minute has been planned for him/her.  Now is the time to sit down with the children and let them help do the planning.  Any plans should include chores to help around the house and a certain amount of routine.

It has been said that some people plan what they want to happen, others watch what happens, and still others wonder what happened.  Good parents should plan what happens and not find themselves at the end of the summer wondering what happened.

 

“Same”

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Train up a child…

 

“Same”

 

Recently I was playing “Words with Friends” with our grandson.  I hadn’t gotten a move from him for a few days, so when I did get the word he played, I sent him a message and said, “Hi.  Good to hear from you.  Love you!”  I immediately got a message back from him that said, “Same”.

We have a custom in our family of saying “I love you” very often.  Our family is scattered to California, Colorado, Washington, and Missouri. Every phone call ends with “Love you!” I suppose our grandson decided to make it a little easier by saying “same”.  His doing so, started me thinking about how children are often the same as their parents.  Each year at Mother’s Day, many mothers often wait in anticipation to see how their children will choose to observe the day.  The truth is that it greatly depends on how their mothers observed the day in showing love and respect to their children’s grandmothers.  They will probably act the same, have the same attitudes, and pick up many of the same habits as their moms and dads.

When children see their dad disrespect their mom or vice versa, they will more than likely act the same way.  If dad goes fishing or playing golf on Mother’s Day as though it is not a special day, the children are apt to think of the day as nothing special and choose activities for self-pleasure.  If dad makes a big deal of Mother’s Day, the children will follow the example and do the same.  Studies have shown that we tend to raise our children the way we were raised irregardless of any training in child rearing we may have received.  In other words, we act the same as our parents act.

Children behave according to their attitudes.  Attitudes are caught more than taught. It is so difficult to teach children to be patriotic and respect law when they hear their parents “bad mouth” our elected officials and the rules we must follow.  It is difficult to teach children to be responsible and self-sufficient if parents are always trying to get something free. Can we really expect teens to drive safely if their parents continue to break the speed limit or are heard hoping that they can spot a patrolman before the patrolman spots them? If parents criticize teachers, can we expect the children to respect them?

As an older mom, I am continually surprised by the habits our children have that they learned at home. Our daughter, a single mom, always planned a nutritious evening meal for her two children. When we visit the homes of our children, they don’t start eating until we first give thanks. Each of our children reads his/her Bible.  Each believes in prayer.

In spite of the fact that we each are given the right to choose as we want, it is indisputable that many acts, attitudes, and habits are the same as those of parents.  With this in mind, it would be wise for each of us to continually examine our own behavior.

Nature Holds Lessons for Children

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Train up a child…

 

Nature Holds Lessons for Children

 

We find excellent object lessons for children all around us in nature. When children learn to observe the lessons in nature, they not only develop a love for science that helps them in school, they also learn the answers to some of life’s most perplexing questions.

Children are born with a natural curiosity that we should continue to cultivate. We can use this curiosity to teach important life lessons that will stay with them as long as they live.

I well remember an occasion with my dad when I was a child. He and I were walking down a dusty path in the field to get the cows for milking. My dad suddenly stopped, stooped down, picked a blade of grass and began looking at it intently. I watched as he drew me close to him and said, “Look there, Patsy, at this blade of grass. Look at all the little lines in it. Look at the little hairs on it.” As he continued to marvel at one blade of grass, he looked skyward at an airplane flying overhead. “You know,” he said, “man can make airplanes. Why, someday he may even be able to fly to the moon. One thing man will never be able to do is to make a blade of grass. Only God can do that!”

Each fall my husband and I marvel as we spy monarch butterflies fluttering past on their way south. How do they know to fly south? Even more remarkable is how they change from a funny caterpillar crawling along to a beautiful butterfly. The female butterfly lays an egg on a milkweed leaf, the egg hatches and the caterpillar eats its own shell and begins feeding on the leaves of the plant. Then it forms a chrysalis, stays inside a short time, and comes out a beautiful butterfly. Does this example not give us a hint of how God can give us life after death?

Children are curious about where they came from, why everyone dies, and what happens after death. When they first find out that all of us must die at some time, they become frightened. The story of the butterfly helps children understand how God has provided life after death for us. Although we can’t fully understand everything about the afterlife, the stories in nature guarantee that we serve a God who is capable of keeping His promise. After all, if God can change a worm to a beautiful butterfly, He can take care of us as well.

Another good lesson from nature can be gotten from a limb of a tree. Early in the spring, we can break a small limb from a tree and show the child how it seems so very lifeless. To look at, it seems dead. In a short time, another limb can be shown to the child showing buds coming out and getting ready to open. This too, is a miracle of God. Just as plants appear to be dead, yet come to life again, so we, too, will someday die but come to life again.

A walk in the woods, or even the front yard, can be an avenue for teaching very important lessons to children from nature. These lessons cost only a little time and effort. They are opportunities we don’t want to miss.