Tag Archives: mental health of children

How Can We Develop Compassion in Children?

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How can we Develop Compassion in Children?

We often wonder why we see so much violence in the news. Why do people hurt others? Why do people do things to property that eventually causes trouble for others? Could it be that those individuals have never learned to feel compassion?

When we feel compassion for others, we usually feel sympathy and concern as well. It causes us to stop and think about the feelings of others. It follows, then, that if we can help children develop compassion, they will probably act in compassionate ways.
One way to develop compassion is to talk about hurt and pain. Caring for animals may lead to compassionate feelings. Guiding activities that help others is a third way to help children understand the feelings and cares of others.

What we say to children is very important. When we see someone hurting, a comment such as, “I know that person must hurt badly”, draws attention to suffering. Opposite type comments such as, “That person must be lazy and not want to work”, keeps a child from feeling compassion. Watching selected news provides opportunities to talk about pain and suffering.

When a child learns to care for an animal, that child can learn to care about whether the animal is hungry, cold, scared, etc. Anytime a child can identify with feelings of another person or animal, that child is learning compassion. On the other hand, if a child is allowed to let a pet go hungry, be cold, etc., the child is learning not to be compassionate.
When families or groups do activities such as taking food to the sick or helping the needy, they are developing compassion in children. There are many worthwhile projects that can be done by children.

Many people are not able to recognize the feelings of others by what they say or do. Pointing out actions or words of others that indicate hurt will help the child become aware of others. When a child acts like a bully, it may well be because that child is hurting and taking feelings out on another. When a child puts another child down for an accomplishment, it may be because the child is hurting for a lack of attention. We are all guilty of often judging people’s actions only by their words when we should be looking a little deeper. If we can help children look deeper, they are many steps ahead in life.

The careful choice of words and activities we use with children cannot be overemphasized. Compassion is an attitude. Attitudes are often caught, instead of being taught. Although we can do and say certain things to help develop compassion, as in so many other areas, example is the most effective teacher.

How to Talk so Kids can Learn

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How to Talk so Kids Can Learn

 

People do not like to be yelled at! Children are people, too. Children do not like to be yelled at!

The way we talk to children greatly affects their learning. Our tone and volume of voice is very important as we relate to the little ones. We need to take the time, whenever possible, to explain and reason with children.

I have observed over the years that many parents constantly bark orders to children, often so rapidly that the children do not have time to mentally process one order before being given another. When this happens, children become resentful, confused, embarrassed, and often give up trying to obey. They may pout or act out in frustration. They hurt inside because they feel that the one yelling at them does not love them. It becomes even more confusing when, after barking orders to the children, a few minutes later that same parent may say, “I love you”. This scenario gives an untrue example of love. Love is patient. On the other hand, if we slow down, take time to let the child process instructions, and explain where needed, the child calms down, is more likely to obey, and senses love as shown through patience. Sometimes a parent will get better results to simply go to the child, put an arm around that child, and whisper instructions slowly.

Children can often understand more than we give them credit for if we take the time to give the explanations in words they understand. We forget that they do not have the same vocabulary that we have. They increase their vocabulary as we explain why we expect them to do certain things. When they have the understanding, they are more apt to act appropriately on their own when parents are not around. Many believe that if they just get their children in the habit of doing certain things that they will grow up and maintain those habits. Habits only go so far. Understanding of reasons for acting appropriately will extend the correct behavior. There comes a time in a child’s life when that child begins to question what parents have told them. If they have the basic understanding of the “whys”, they are more apt to stick with what they have been taught.

The use of questions instead of statements is so very important in helping children reason out the “whys” of behavior. Telling is not teaching! When we ask questions, a child is forced to think. Following are some examples of common questions that can be asked in various situations:

  • How would your friend feel if you told him/her that?
  • What would happen if you did that?
  • What were you thinking when you did that?
  • What do you think your friend was thinking when he/she did that?
  • Why do you want to do that?
  • How would the people around you feel if they heard you say that?

These are just general questions to help a child think through his/her actions before making a decision. They also help to develop empathy and teach decision-making.

Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish wrote a book titled, How to Talk so Kids Can Learn. I highly recommend it. It is available on Amazon.com and may also be available in your local library. Although I do not agree with everything in the book, it certainly helps us rethink how we are talking to our children.

Children and Computers

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Children and Computers

 

Computers are such a wonderful invention! However, just like other inventions, they can be harmful or they can be helpful. Children need to be taught to use them correctly and to integrate their use in such a way as to not neglect other important areas of their lives.

I remember how so many people thought that TV was a terrible thing when it first came out. Some parents, even now, will not allow a TV in their home because of its bad influence on their children, yet it has some very good programs for children and it can bring the other side of the world to us in seconds. We just need to push the off button at certain times. Just as a car can take us to a bad place or a good place, other inventions can be both a bad influence and a good influence. It is up to parents, teachers, and other adults to teach children the proper use of the inventions available to us. It seems that technology is developing so fast that it is almost impossible to teach children properly about the use of the many technological products available to us, but we must make a definite effort to do so.

Now that summer is here, hot afternoons are a perfect time for children to spend a little time on the computer. I typed in “Free learning websites for children”, and so many came up that it would be impossible to list them all here. One site I highly recommend is Starfall. It is good for teaching reading and may be used for preschoolers through the lower elementary grades. Another website our daughter-in-law recommends is http://www.ditk-kids.com. Other websites for math are available. Some sites even have games and craft instructions. The creators of these sites have done an excellent job of making learning fun. Children will often learn faster and retain learning from these sites better than they do from their traditional school work.

There are computers available in many libraries if you do not have one at home. However, I would suggest that if at all possible, each home should have a computer. You do not have to have a state of the art computer for children to begin learning the basics. Often, when people buy a new computer, they donate their used one to places like Christian Associates or the Salvation Army. These can sometimes be purchased at very low prices and many are in good working condition but simply do not have the most recent technology.

Along with reading, writing, playing, learning to do chores, and church activities, computer usage can be a very valuable use of time while the children are at home this summer.

What Can a Dad Do?

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What Can A Dad Do?

 

Dad is so very important! He sets the tone of the family and should be the head of the house. He is the leader. It is his responsibility to see that the family is cared for physically, mentally, socially and spiritually. It is a daunting task. It is understandable that many times a husband and father may feel overwhelmed and confused by the expectations placed upon him.

There are some definite things a dad may do and, having done those things, have a sense of confidence that he has made a good effort. I would like to suggest a few things for dads to consider.

  • Tell your wife and children each day that you love them. Don’t assume that they know it. They need to be told.
  • Spend time with your wife and children. No amount of money or things can substitute for time spent bonding with the family.
  • Admit it when you make a mistake. Be patient and understanding when other family members make mistakes.
  • Learn to turn off or record your TV program when the family needs you. There is no program on TV as important as your family.
  • Lend a hand with chores around the house such as helping to clear the table, picking up things, putting things away, and keeping things neat and clean. It is not fair that others should have to clean up after you and you are setting an example for the children.
  • When you are away from home, phone often to check on the welfare of the family.
  • Have reasonable expectations. Do not expect children to be just like you. They may have inherited other traits, likes, and dislikes.
  • Play with your children.
  • Have at least a weekly time together with Bible reading and discussion. A daily time is even better.
  • Allow children to make suggestions and consider them. Give explanations as to reasoning in decision making when possible.
  • Learn to fix small things around the house and have your children help you so that they may learn how to do those things.
  • Use good manners to set a good example. Say, “Excuse me”, “thank you”, “please”, and “I’m sorry” when appropriate.
  • Give hugs often.
  • Praise the wife and children at every opportunity.

 

Dad should be earth’s picture of our heavenly Father. Children who grow up with loving fathers seldom crave love out of the home. Mom is to be a helper to Dad as he directs the home. When we each play our appropriate roles, life is much more pleasant and everything seems to go more smoothly.

Happy Father’s Day to our important dads!

The Value of Looking Back

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The Value of Looking Back

 

There is much learning value in taking the time to look back and remember on the Memorial Day holiday. Actually, it is valuable for adults as well as children. Examples of the past help us in innumerable ways. Knowing the results of past actions help us in knowing how to set the course of our own lives. Meditating on sacrifices and hardships of those who have worked so hard to give us what we now have helps us appreciate our present circumstances more. Realizing the accomplishments of others gives us a greater respect for the use of the time we have available to us.

Memorial Day was once called “Decoration Day” because everyone went to decorate the graves of past relatives. It was a time to talk about both the good and bad things those relatives had done. The good mentioned helps children set goals for what they want to accomplish in their lives to live up to the family expectations. The bad things mentioned help children know what they need to avoid as they make hard choices in behavior. This is an opportune time for parents to instill the knowledge that drugs, tobacco and alcohol are really bad choices. We need not be hesitant to point out that someone might still be alive today had they not chosen to use drugs, alcohol, or tobacco. We have great visual aids right in front of us in a cemetery.

By contrast, show the graves of the military who gave their lives for a cause. Talk about some of the freedoms we enjoy and some of the reasons that wars have been fought. As children see these graves and hear discussion about causes of death, they cannot help but do some serious thinking about what they want to accomplish with their lives. As they internalize what they are hearing and seeing, they are setting goals for themselves.

How can we help but feel gratitude and thankfulness for what we have as we learn about the sacrifices that have been made for us? As mom and dad talk about how ancestors did the laundry, planted gardens, and worked so hard in so many other ways, the children may want to take better care of the modern-day appliances they have. A greater respect will be gained for elderly people when children realize what those strong and tough individuals endured. Children might even want to stand up and let an elderly person have their seat the next time they have that opportunity!

No person can help but think about his/her length of time on earth before going to meet the Creator as they visit a cemetery. We become more conscious of the time we have to make any accomplishment for the good. It is the tendency of young people to think “someday” as they plan their lives. Seeing the graves of those who died young helps one to understand that “someday” may never come.

Many might say, “It is all well and good to say that children will learn a lot by going to a cemetery on Memorial Day, but how do you get them to go? What if they don’t want to go and would rather stay home or do something else?” You are the parents. You make them go. Set the family tradition so that there is no question about it. It only takes part of one day to make the trip to the graves. Then, plan another activity that will be fun for the other time. If you live too great a distance from the graves of relatives, take the children to visit the grave of a family friend , or go to a military cemetery.

We wonder why so many young people seem to have a lack of respect for the elderly and make improper choices about the use of harmful substances. A tradition of annual visits to the cemetery is such a simple thing that can be done to prevent so many problems in children and teens. Why should we wait until a problem occurs when we can head it off before it begins? This family tradition can instill in children and adults the desire to use time wisely and set appropriate goals of behavior.

 

 

Checklist for Love

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A Checklist for Love

 

Most of us really believe that we love others as we should. However, when we take a close look at the true definition of love, we may find ourselves falling short of where we should be in loving our children and our fellow man. Based on the 13th chapter of I Corinthians in the Bible, we can ask ourselves the following questions to see where we really stand when it comes to loving as we should.

  • Am I willing to wait when my children don’t seem to “get it” right away, or do I get impatient and start yelling at them? (Love is patient.)
  • Do I speak to my children with respect for their feelings, or do I make unreasonable demands on them? (Love is kind.)
  • Do I feel badly when the children of someone else seem to do better than my children and start putting undue pressure on my children to perform better? (Love does not envy.)
  • Do I brag to others when my children do better than theirs? (Love does not boast.)
  • Do I use good manners with my children by saying “please”, “thank you”, “excuse me”, and “I’m sorry”? (Love is not rude.)
  • Do I get angry easily with my children, or do I understand that children are of equal value to adults in God’s sight? (Love does not get angry easily.)
  • Do we forgive our children when they make mistakes or do we keep an ongoing record in our minds of what they have done wrong? (Love keeps no record of wrongs.)
  • Do I always think I am right and demand that my children not have an opinion of their own, or do I listen to their thoughts before making up my own mind? (Love is not self-seeking.)
  • Do I feel good when someone else “gets what is coming to them”, or do I feel sad that wrong was done in the first place? (Love does not delight in wrongdoing.)
  • Am I happy when my children make the right decisions and take time to praise them for the good things they have done? (Love rejoices in the truth.)
  • Do I protect my children from things that would harm them physically, mentally, spiritually, or socially? (Love protects.)

These are lofty standards to strive to attain. I suspect that no one adheres to them all the time, but we profit by knowing what is expected of us when we are commanded to love God and others. As we train our children, we need to try to set a good example. Just as we fail from time to time, so will they. We need to work as a team in continually striving to love as we should.

It’s Not Just Child’s Play!

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It’s Not Just Child’s Play!

 

It is a wonderful thing when parents will play with their children. There is great value in time spent simply having fun with them. This time is an opportunity for bonding, teaching, and creating memories.

Right after Christmas there is an opportunity to explore the new toys and games together. When dad or mom get on the level of the child and explore the new possibilities of enjoyment, the child learns to appreciate the fact that the parent has interest in his/her world. A special relationship between the child and parent is created. This new relationship results in a better understanding of each another.

In the event that a toy breaks, as many are apt to do, as the parent helps repair that toy, the child learns about how things work. Parents have an opportunity to teach new words and understandings to the child.

Even if there are no new games or toys, parents and children can create their own games. Our grown children still laugh about playing “sandwich” or “slobber ear” with their dad, and I laugh when I see them play the same games with their children. These are rough and tumble games on the floor (or grass in the summer) where all involved laugh and giggle as they try to get away from each other to avoid having an ear chewed or to become the bottom bread of a sandwich. They laugh as “the meat” wriggles out to try to become the top bread and the bottom bread tries even harder to escape being the bottom bread. It is important, however, for the parent to know when enough is enough in these games. It is cruel to tickle children too much. Also, weight of individuals needs to be considered so no person is hurt.

Many board games offer opportunities for learning as well as having fun. Long winter evenings are well spent in playing games such as Monopoly, Balderdash, Sequence, or others with older children. In Monopoly, children learn much about money. They learn to count the money as well as a great deal about how business works. Balderdash is a great game for teaching writing, persuasion, and vocabulary. Our family has laughed until we cried at some of the silly definitions written for some of the words in Balderdash. Board games designed for younger children teach a child to take turns and that they cannot always win. They can learn to lose graciously.

Laughter is a good medicine. King Solomon tells us in Proverbs 17:22, “A merry heart doeth good like a medicine”. Playing and laughing with our children relieves our stress as well as theirs. We sometimes forget that children, too, have stress as they seek to please their parents and teachers.

Time spent playing with children is a wonderful investment that yields dividends for eternity. Children grow up so fast! Let’s take advantage of the opportunities we have to spend time with them while we can.

 

When Children get Sick

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When Children Get Sick

 

When children get sick, as they inevitably do, we often ponder about how much to “baby” them or just how to care for them. What mother has not sat by the side of a sick child and thought, “I’d rather it were me feeling that way than my child”? It hurts us emotionally while at the same time it is hurting the child physically.

Of course, we try to do all we can to prevent that sickness in the first place. We encourage the children to wash their hands often, singing “Happy Birthday” while scrubbing with soap and warm water to make sure the hands are scrubbed long enough to get clean. We do our best to make sure the child has plenty of fruit and vegetables in the diet to provide the vitamin C and other nutrients needed to fight the germs. We try to see that the child is dressed properly for the cold weather, and we try to keep the child away from places where we know germs are present. In spite of all our care, we often feel at least a little guilt when the child gets sick as we wonder if we did all we could have done to prevent the illness.

There are actually some positive things that come from sickness. One such positive learning is that children come to realize that they are vulnerable. Many young people often feel as though they can do anything and nothing bad will ever happen. Sickness teaches a child that we each need to be careful with how we care for ourselves and the choices we make. A time of sickness in the home can become a time of bonding between family members as all pitch in and help the sick one. The sick child may learn to appreciate the love and care of others. A third benefit is a possible development of sympathy and understanding of others when they become sick. It seems that we can never truly appreciate the feelings of others until we, ourselves, have experienced what they are going through. People who seldom get sick often are impatient with those who do get sick more often.

How much care should be given to a sick child? In my opinion, we need to take advantage of this time to “coddle” the child a bit. There are, of course, occasions when this is not true. If a child starts to take advantage of the extra attention, we need to back off. When a child is truly sick, however, that child needs assurance of love and care. We need a balance of not seeming overly concerned but, at the same time, children need to know that we wish the best for them. To this day, I can remember my mom’s hand on my forehead when, as a child, I would get sick and throw up. I’m sure that hand did no physical good, but it showed that she cared. Another memory is a time when my dad brought a pretty colored ear of corn from the field for me when I had tonsillitis.

Should a child be allowed to watch TV? Yes, but only educational programs. Should a child do homework? The child should do homework only if he/she is not feeling too badly. I would not force it but would check occasionally to see if he/she feels like it, and then I would give assistance. Should a child be allowed to get up and run around? Generally, we need to allow a child to do what that child feels like doing until the temperature has been normal for at least 24 hours. Then the child probably needs to go back to school. Sometimes, medicine can make a child feel better while he/she is getting worse. This may be the case when medicine is given to treat symptoms only and the medicine does not treat the cause of the symptoms.

We probably will not do everything perfectly when our children get sick. We simply try to give proper physical and emotional care to the best of our ability and pray that the Great Physician will do whatever else is needed.

A Child’s Fear is Real

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A Child’s Fear is Real

It is easy for adults to forget that children may be afraid of many things. Usually each of us is afraid of what we do not understand. Since children have not yet learned many things, they have many things to fear.
There are some legitimate fears, but there are many fears parents can help children overcome.
Since most fears derive from a lack of understanding, one of the best things we can do is help a child understand why or how something is happening. Sometimes just being with a child or planning can help the child overcome a fear. We should make an effort to protect children from unnecessary fears.
Many children are afraid of thunder and lightning. A scientific explanation of what causes them can help. This is a legitimate fear. According to one site on the Internet, lightning is an electrical charge that is about 54,000 degrees F. It heats the air around it and the air expands rapidly. This causes an explosion of air resulting in the sound of thunder. Detailed information can be found on the Internet as well as a map showing where lightning is striking in the U.S. at the time of viewing. Explaining this, and being with a child during a thunderstorm can help a child feel more secure. Planning what to do for safety as a family during a storm will help a child feel more comfortable as well.
If a child is afraid of the dark, adults can walk into a dark room with a child to give comfort and security. Lifting bed covers to prove there is no monster under the bed helps. Night lights are good to have in a child’s room.
Some children are afraid of insects and worms. I remember an occasion when my husband sat with our small daughter on one knee with one arm wrapped around her while holding an earthworm in the other hand to show her it would not hurt her. Sometimes we need to provide proof through illustrations.
It is unfortunate that some adults like to purposely scare children. This is not good. Some children carry scars for a lifetime from being frightened. Adults should find a better way to amuse themselves! At Halloween, extremely scary costumes should be avoided. There are many fun costumes children can wear without having to deal with the scary ones.
It is good if adults can be alert and understanding to know when a child is frightened and do what they can to help a child through the frightening time. What may seem trivial to us may be a big thing to a child. We can’t protect children from all fears, but there are enough fears that come naturally that we certainly don’t have to add to them. Learning to cope with fears is a part of life. When we help our children to do so, we are helping them be more successful as they continue to grow.