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Children Can Choose Friends Wisely

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Children Can Choose Friends Wisely

        

 It has been said that any person who has even three really good friends is truly blessed.  I don’t know if the number is correct, but I do know everyone needs and wants friends.  The trouble comes when we want friends so badly that we compromise what we know is right in order to make friends.  This sometimes happens in childhood.  When it does happen, it can have a profound negative influence on a child’s life.

         Children need to know the characteristics of a genuine friend.  They also need to know how to be a friend to others.  In addition, they need to know that they always have a friend in their family.

         It is a big temptation for children to “hang out” with those who seem to be the most popular.  Quite often, this is the situation that will tempt a child to do things contrary to what they have been taught in order to be accepted.  Parents need to teach children that true friends are those who want the best for them. A true friend would never want anything that would cause the person to get in trouble in any way.  True friends build up; they don’t tear down.  A good friend is one who cares for you even when you are not at your best.  A friend is someone you can trust, not someone you have to constantly try to please. Real friends will not put pressure to change or behave a certain way.  If children understand this, they will not succumb to peer pressure as easily.

         The Bible tells us that if we want friends, we must be friendly. (See Proverbs 18:24 KJV)  This means that they should exhibit the same qualities to others that make a good friend.  They should not be demanding, and always want the best for the other person. The basis of all good manners is kindness and consideration of others.  This holds true, as well, for making friends.  

         Many times a child may get in a situation where it is seemingly impossible to make good friends. When this happens, it is good for the child to know that there is always a friend at home in the form of mom, dad, brother, or sister.  It is so important to support children in this area.  Over and over it seems that children get in trouble because they are searching for something they do not find at home.  One of the reasons a person joins a gang is to make friends and feel like part of a family.  It was enlightening to have a gang member from San Diego, CA, in my GED class in Shell Knob a few years ago.  He told our class in speaking about his gang, “It’s your family, man, it’s your family!” 

         There is a universal need for love and acceptance.  We need to put children in an environment where they can make good, genuine friends to give them this love and acceptance.  Even more importantly, we need to help children realize that they always have a friend in Jesus who loves them unconditionally.

How to Explain Christmas to Children (patlambchristianauthor.com)

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How to Explain Christmas to Children

 

It is easy to get so caught up in the “busyness” of Christmas and forget to take the time to sit down with children and explain why we have the observance.  In addition, some adults feel incapable of coming up with the right words and explaining its meaning so children will understand. Here is a suggested way to tell children the basics of what all should know about Christmas.  It may be told in one’s own words or simply read to children.

*****

When the world was created, Jesus was with God.  Jesus is God’s son.  God made Adam and Eve and they began to have children.  Soon there were many people on earth and God told the people what he wanted them to do to worship him.  He gave the Ten Commandments.  He also required them to sacrifice animals to him.

The people sinned a lot. They did not follow the instructions God had given them.  God decided to send his only son, Jesus, to earth to live with people and teach them the right way to live.  John 3:16 in the Bible says, “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish but have everlasting life.”

Jesus came as a little baby. He was born in a stable because there was no room for Mary, his mother, and Joseph, His earthly father, anyplace else. Christmas is for celebrating the birthday of Jesus.

God sent angels to shepherds to announce the birth of Jesus.  When Jesus was about two years old, some wise men saw a strange star and followed it to Jesus.  They took gold, frankincense, and myrrh as gifts to him.  On the way, they stopped to see King Herod who was jealous of Jesus because he had heard that Jesus was going to be a king.  He wanted to kill Jesus, so he asked the wise men to come back and tell him where Jesus was.  They didn’t do it.  Herod ordered all little boys under the age of two killed.  Joseph and Mary took Jesus to Egypt to protect him.

When the danger was over, Joseph and Mary went home.  Jesus grew up helping Joseph in Joseph’s carpenter’s shop.  When He was about twelve years old, he was teaching in the temple.  When he was about 30 years old, he began his ministry.  He told many stories to teach us the right way to live, and he healed many people.  When he was about 33 years old, some people got angry with him and decided to try to do away with him.  He was crucified on a cross.  After three days, he came back alive.  We celebrate Easter to remember his crucifixion and his coming back to life. Jesus was the last sacrifice and people didn’t have to sacrifice animals any more.

Jesus stayed on earth for a while; then, he went up to heaven.  He is still alive and wants us all to believe in him and be saved.  If we truly believe in him, are really sorry for our sins, and ask him to save us, he will send the Holy Spirit into our hearts, and when we die, we can live with him forever in heaven.

 

 

Children Need Help with Gift Giving

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Children Need Help with Gift Giving

 

There is so very much emphasis on the excitement of children at Christmastime and the need to make sure that children get the things they desire to make them happy.  In fact, some have even said that Christmas is for children.  Truth is, Christmas is a time to recognize the birth of our Savior and it is for everyone, but we can’t help but want to make sure that children enjoy this very special time.

It is more important for children to experience the joy of giving than it is for them to enjoy the experience of getting, and the giving can make them happier than the receiving.  Some may think that this is not possible, but if we look closely with our mind’s eye, we can see that we quite often remember the gifts we gave more than the gifts we received.  It is the same with children.  Children, however, need help in their planning and giving.  This requires time, patience, and resourcefulness.

We need to take the time to help children make a gift list. This list should include parents, teachers, grandparents, and other special people in their lives.  It takes time, also, to help the children discover resources they have available such as money or materials for making gifts.  After this is done, we help the children make or purchase gifts.

It is not easy to be patient with children when we, ourselves, are so busy trying to prepare gifts for others. Time spent making a plaster of Paris handprint, a jar of brownie mix, or a jar of soup mix takes a little time that we may not feel we have available.  Making such gifts, however, provides a time of bonding and learning and is well worth the time involved. Many ideas are available on the Internet, and just looking up those ideas is a learning experience for children.

Children learn to be resourceful and at the same time are learning to manage their money as they work to provide gifts for the ones they love.  It is difficult for children to find anything to purchase with the limited funds they have. It is nice when adults help out with this problem.  Some have provided a “Holiday Store” for children.  The children go to the store with an adult and a list of names for whom they will purchase gifts.  The list also indicates the amount of money the child has to spend.  Items that have been provided by adults are available in the store, and they are priced very low so that the children can afford them. Some items are only twenty-five cents. Those on hand who volunteer to work in the store help the children count and figure how much money each thing costs and how much change they will get in return.

Who among us does not have some treasure from the past given to us by our children?  This year I hung, once again, a wreath made of plastic bags by our youngest son when he was in elementary school.  It provides another year of remembering his love for me.  I still have ornaments made of play-doh that go on the Christmas tree. They are still feeling the joy of giving as they see their mom still being happy at having received those gifts.   Christmas truly is a time to remember that it is better to give than to receive.

Give Your Children the Best Gift

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Give your Children the Best Gift

 

What is the best gift you can give your children?  Many experts agree that the best thing that parents and grandparents can give children is their time.  Yet, as the holiday season approaches, we find ourselves wanting more time, and we find it more difficult to give the time to children that they need.

How can we give more time to children, and what are the benefits of doing so?

One of the easiest ways to give more time to children is to include them in the activities we do. The benefits of giving more time are many.  Three of those benefits are bonding, learning more about our children, and giving the children a feeling of worth.

As we include children in activities, they relax and open up in more ways than they normally would. Children most often say and do the things that they know their parents expect of them.  This prevents adults from knowing what they are really thinking and feeling.  When they relax in activities, they drop their guard and we find out more about them. We are often surprised to find that our children may be thinking and feeling something entirely different from what we had thought.  This gives us clues as to their needs in guidance as they grow.

As children assist in activities such as decorating, baking, making gifts, shopping, or other holiday happenings, they bond with adults in achieving the common goal of making others happy. While doing so, they can discuss how they think the recipient will respond, and they feel happy about achieving something good with their parents. Little faces light up in anticipation of the happiness they are creating, and a special closeness is achieved as feelings of accomplishment are shared.

When parents take time to include children in activities, the children feel that their parents think their ideas are valuable.  They develop a feeling of worth because mom or dad wanted them to help. The opposite is true when they are pushed aside.  Children then feel that their ideas and help are not wanted or needed.  They look to find their own activities aside from parents. Children have an inner desire to feel that they are valuable to someone.  No toy or game purchased for a child can make up for that feeling.

It is not difficult to include children in activities.  The key is to find something within the child’s ability.  There is always something they can do if it is no more than holding a finger on the ribbon while a bow is being tied.  For Thanksgiving Dinner, children can help set the table and participate in ways to help in preparation of food.  The quality of the dish is not as important as the quality of child we are raising.

There is nothing we can buy or do for our children that is any more important than spending time with them.

 

Make a List and Check it Twice

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Make a List and Check it Twice

 

It seems that almost any direction we look, we are reminded that it is time to start preparing for the holidays!  It is easy to get caught up in all of the excitement and forget that the children need to be prepared for the season also.  Instead of just letting them “come along for the ride”, this year, why not prepare them to be an active part of all of the activities?

Checklists are wonderful for saving time and making sure we don’t forget something.  Here is a checklist for making sure all other lists are made!

  • Sit down with the children right away and explain the true meaning of Thanksgiving and Christmas.
  • Make sure the children understand how our country was started and the story of the first Thanksgiving.
  • Talk with the children about what they have to be thankful for and help them make out a list of those things.
  • Read some of the Psalms from the Bible to the children that tell us to give thanks.
  • List with the children the ways the family has been blessed.
  • List with the children the ways the community and country have been blessed.
  • Tell the Christmas story to the children.
  • Read the Christmas story to the children from Luke 2 in the Bible.
  • Explain to the children that Santa is not real.Tell them that talking about Santa is a game that adults play to have fun with the children.
  • Ask the children whether they want to play the game of Santa, and if so, make sure they understand it is only a game.
  • Have the children make a list of people who are especially meaningful to them. Ask if they want to give those people a gift? If so, make a gift list.
  • Have the children list their resources for giving.This can include money they have saved or other things they may have to give.
  • Explain that the reason we give is to show love to others.
  • Explain that love includes self-sacrifice and concern for the happiness of others.
  • Explain that gifts can be things we do for others as well as what we may make or buy.
  • Explain that the Bible tells us that it is more blessed to give than to receive.
  • Tell some stories of personal past Christmas experiences to the children.
  • Read some good Christmas stories to the children.
  • Talk about decorations and decide each person’s task.

You probably noted that I did not mention having the child make a list for self wants.  The emphasis should be on giving to others, not getting for self.  Making a want list may be alright, but that is not what we should stress.  We can’t teach children to think of others when all we do is tell them to think of themselves.  We can’t have it two ways.  It is preferable for children to grow up thinking of what they can give, not just what they can get.

 

“As the Twig is Bent”

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“As the Twig is Bent”

 

I remember an instructor in our child development class at Missouri University saying, “As the twig is bent, so grows the tree”.  She went to great lengths to explain that habits that are formed in childhood last a lifetime.  If left unchecked, the inclinations that a child has are reinforced through the years as the child grows. This is true for both good and bad inclinations.  It is the task of the parent to “prune” those inclinations as needed.  The parent needs to reinforce in positive ways the good, and do their best to eliminate the bad habits.

A common saying about children who are displaying problematic behavior is, “Don’t worry. He will grow out of it.”  This may be true as relating to physical changes, but in most behavioral changes, children do not “grow out of it”.  The problems, in most cases, gain strength as the child grows.

There are many examples of children growing worse when problems are left unchecked.  Take, for instance, the child who throws temper tantrums. When parents give in to the child and do not correct this problem, the child grows up believing that he/she can get whatever is wanted by displaying acts of temper.  Another example is the demanding child who does not learn good manners.  That child becomes the adult who “railroads” through anyone or everyone to achieve wants and desires.  Poor eating habits are very difficult to correct in adulthood. Many obese people are those who as children were allowed to eat whatever they wanted. Children who are allowed to act any way they want will not grow up respecting authority. Children who are given everything needed without having to earn anything will not grow up and suddenly say, “Oh, I can do everything for myself”.  These children will always be expecting handouts.

Young people seem to have a feeling of indestructibility.  They tend to think, “I’m different.  That will never happen to me.”  I recently talked to a man who is now an alcoholic.  He said, “I made the same mistake so many other people have made.  I thought it would never happen to me.”  It is our duty, as parents and grandparents, to point out examples to prove that it can happen to anyone.  Ultimately, each person is individually responsible for choices made, but we need to do all we can to influence those choices and help that person grow in the right direction.

My dad used pieces of string to illustrate to my sisters and me how habits get stronger and stronger. He handed us a piece of string and told us to break it.  It was easy.  Then he gave us two pieces of string and told us to break them.  It was harder.  Then he gave us three pieces of string and told us to break them all at the same time. Some of us were able to do it.  By the time he got to four pieces of string, it was not possible to break them all at the same time.  “That is how it is with habits,” he said.  He told us that when you first do something wrong, it is much easier to stop than after you have continued to do it for a time.  We understood that it is best not to form bad habits.

Raising children is somewhat like gardening.  We prune, feed, and water.  We guide and do our best to influence the choices our children make.  When they are little, we can prevent bad choices.  When they grow up, they will choose according to their own individual beliefs.  Other influences in the world compete with the influence of parents.  We simply try our very best and bathe our efforts with lots of prayer.

Stress the Positive

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Stress the Positive

 

When raising children, we sometimes find ourselves in situations that are undesirable. There are some things that simply cannot be prevented or avoided.  Society often throws customs and traditions our way that affect children.  Children, themselves, do not always perform as we would like and we are tempted to harshly scold them for poor performance. When these challenges occur, some parents stress the negative instead of the positive.  Some parents spend their time and energy trying to shelter their children from the inevitable.  The best thing to do, in my opinion, is to be truthful with the children about the negative, but put the major emphasis on the positive aspects of the occasion.

Halloween has a dark origin. It is based on the rituals of the druids who lived long ago.  There may be a few people in our country who actually associate the two things, but it is doubtful that the thought ever crosses the mind of most of our children. To most children, it is a time to dress up in a costume, have fun, and get candy.  There is nothing wrong with dressing up in a costume that does not reflect the negative aspects of the holiday.  In fact, it is good for a child to imagine they are someone or something else. It expands their thinking and understanding of others. Getting candy once a year is not harmful unless permissive parents allow their children to have too much candy at other times.

Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny certainly detract from the importance of Christmas and Easter.  They become an even greater distraction if we overemphasize them.  If we tell the children that talking about them is a game we play; then, we can move on and emphasize the real truth of the holidays. If we talk about them too much, or if we forbid the children to have anything to do with the custom, their minds become fixated on them and they want to play the game all the more.

When children “mess up” and make mistakes, it is best to acknowledge the mistakes and look for the positive to emphasize.  As a teacher, I have heard endless stories about how a child was embarrassed by being scolded for mistakes.  Those embarrassing moments are like chains that keep a child from wanting to break loose and try again to succeed.  They fear the hurt of failure.  On the other hand, when a child is praised for doing something, that is the very thing the child wants to do again in hope of more praise. As the child repeats the action, that child gains more expertise in the task.

Let’s face it!  There are some things we will never be able to change.  We waste our time and energy in trying to do so.  We can, however, emphasize the positive of situations to help a child grow in the truth.  There will probably be a Santa, Easter bunny, and witches at Halloween for a long time to come.  Our children don’t have to be caught up in the things of society.  They can look at such things knowing there is something better. When they make mistakes, they need not fear a harsh scolding, but rather they can progress in the positive aspect of the situation.  By accentuating the positive, we eliminate the negative.

How to Help Children Plan Ahead

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How to Help Children Plan Ahead

 

My husband and I were privileged to attend a workshop on poverty at the College of the Ozarks. One of the things we learned is that people in poverty usually just think about getting through one day at a time. In light of this fact, it would seem that it is very important to teach our children to think ahead and plan for upcoming happenings.

There are at least three things involved in planning ahead.  We need to know what is apt to happen in the future.  We need to know what our resources are, and we need to plan ways to use those resources to meet the needs the future events will necessitate.

Fall is a good time of year to teach planning ahead.  Even nature gives us illustrations as we watch animals scurry about storing food for the winter.     Scripture tells us in Proverbs 6:6-8, “Go to the ant you sluggard, consider its ways and be wise!  It has no commander, no overseer or ruler, yet it stores its provisions in summer and gathers its food at harvest.”

Instead of sheltering our children from unpleasant happenings, we need to let them know the important things that are happening in the world.  We need to tell them in such a way as to keep them from panicking, but at the same time letting the children know that these are things to contend with.   Nature presents additional future events for which we should plan.  The cold of winter, ice storms, and tornados are common in the Midwest.  Earthquakes are common many places.  When we tell children that everything is going to be all right, we are not telling the truth. If children believe this, they see no need to think ahead and plan for events.

A “sit-down” session with children is appropriate for planning ahead.  It is helpful for children to write a list, if they are old enough to write, of events to plan for as well as a list of resources and the plan itself.  Parents need to discuss with children the location of resources such as flashlights and candles in case the electricity goes off in a storm.  Parents need to be honest about the money situation and enlist the help of the children in deciding needs versus wants.  Letting the children help in preparing a budget for the family sets a good example of what they should do when they have a home of their own, and the children will feel like they are part of the family team.

The actual plans of what to do in the various events need to be reviewed occasionally.  Not only should children be helped to plan with the family for natural occurrences and worldwide events, but they should also be helped to make study plans for the school year.  Upcoming events in the family need to be discussed and planned ahead as well.

Discussing future events, and planning for those events, actually helps children feel more secure. It takes less time to plan ahead than it does to wait until we are in the middle of something and then try to deal with it.  All in all, it just makes life go more smoothly!

 

Restitution is an Important Part of Discipline

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Restitution is an Important Part of Discipline

 

It seems that there is always an ideal way of doing things, and then there’s the realistic way.  Ideally, all discipline would include restitution for the wrong that has been done. Realistically, however, often there is not enough time, or even enough energy left for the parent to use, to require the guilty child to make restitution. When it can be done, there are many benefits for the child who is being corrected.

When a child is required to make restitution, that child has more time to think of the wrong done. The child who has done wrong also learns about the value of the thing that has been broken or destroyed.  When intangible values are involved, the guilty child also learns more about feelings of others and develops compassion.

Many parents think they have done their disciplinary duty with a quick verbal rebuke. Telling is not teaching.  If we want a child to learn, that child must realize the wrong in what has been done and decide that he/she does not want to do it again.  When a quick verbal, “That’s not nice; you shouldn’t have done that,” is given, the child does not really know why it wasn’t nice and will probably repeat the action.  If a child is told why it wasn’t nice and required to do something to make up for what was done, it stays in the mind longer and the learning is reinforced.  Discussion of the feelings of the person being offended is good to help the child further realize the reason for the wrong of the action.

If a child breaks something because of carelessness, that child will probably be more careful in the future if his/her allowance is used to replace the object broken.  Even if the child must simply glue something back together, or repair it another way, that is better than a simple scolding. If a child borrows something and loses it, the child should have to replace it. This may mean that the child must earn money. By doing so, the child learns the monetary value of the object lost.

When a child says something unkind to or about another child, the offending child should be required to say something good about that same person.  At one time, while teaching, I required students to write three good things about a person of whom they had spoken unkindly.  They learn by doing this that there is good in all people and they should make it a practice of looking for good in others..  In such cases, it is always a good idea to go back to the golden rule and ask the child, “How would you feel if someone did that to you?”  Children should be taught to treat others as they want to be treated.

There is almost always some way that a child can try to make restitution for wrongdoing and we, as parents and teachers, need to look for those ways and require children to try to make up for what they have done.  This is far more effective that most spankings and verbal lectures.  The children will remember longer why something shouldn’t be done.  They will think more before they act and probably be far more considerate of feelings of others.

 

Bullies Need Help

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Bullies Need Help

 

When a child is bullied, our first impulse is to immediately do something to the bully.  Rightfully so, the bully should be stopped even if it means using physical restraint or a good hard spanking.  But, if we stop there, we have not corrected the real problem. It is somewhat like cutting off the top of a weed when we garden instead of pulling it up from the root.  If we just cut off the top, the weed is sure to grow back.  If we pull it up by the roots, that is the end of the weed.

When we stop the bullying for the moment, we are just cutting the top off of the weed, so to speak. We need to get to the root of the problem by trying to determine the cause of the bullying.  If we do not do this, the desire remains to continue the unacceptable behavior.  If the desire is not stopped, these children become good candidates for future prison inmates, and many more people get bullied down the road.

Since most bullying stems from how children are raised at home, we really cannot depend on the home to change the child unless there is some sort of help for the family.  This means that a great deal of the responsibility falls on the school or church.  This is unfortunate since the school personnel already have their hands full with so many other things that are required of them.  There is a program for intervening with “at-risk” children. It would seem that bullying is certainly an indication of an “at-risk” child. Hats off to our schools for efforts made in this direction. School counselors and other staff have their hands full when it comes to working with children who want to hurt others.

Too often, the child who bullies is ostracized from the rest of society.  This simply makes the child want to bully all the more. These children want to “lash out” at people who, in their eyes, don’t like them. In truth, the bully may be in far more danger than the victim.  Bullies are left with little hope when society turns its back on them while victims are pitied and coddled and encouraged.  Tough love requires that we stand ready to forgive and at the same time stand firm on not accepting bad behavior. Bullies need love as much, or perhaps even more, than those bullied. This is not an easy thing to do, but we must rise up to loving bullies if we are to help them find a better way to relate to people. Loving does not mean acceptance of bad behavior.  We can love a person without liking what a person does. It takes a certain amount of maturity to be able to do so.  That level of maturity is required to be a good parent or teacher.

Working with bullies may sound like a very complicated job, but it simply comes down to loving all people, being firm, and doing our best to understand the “why” of actions.  Once we understand why a child behaves in the way that child has chosen, we can start to work on the root of the problem. We cannot expect children to act like adults until they are taught to do so.  Of course, we do not want to let our sympathy for a bully be greater than our sympathy for the victim, but we can sympathize with both and try to help both to be able to cope with situations where respect of an individual’s rights have been violated.  By doing so, we are more apt to prevent problems in the future.