Tag Archives: raising kids

Can we Prepare our Children for Future America?

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Train up a child…

Can we Prepare our Children for Future America?

It is a very short time until our children will be grown and voting citizens. Are we adequately preparing them for that time? America has changed a great deal in recent years and is changing every day.
Our children have much they will need to deal with very soon. They will need to learn to live in a very racially diversified nation. They will live in a nation even more in debt than at the moment. They will enjoy even more technology, but at the same time, that technology makes enemies nearer. The Pacific and Atlantic oceans will no longer be the great shields they have been in the past.
With children streaming across our border, we must face the fact that many will probably remain here whether or not we would wish it so. They will grow up and compete for jobs and affect the way our schools teach. They will practice their own religion, or no religion. They may bring diseases our country has never dealt with before. Border agents tell us that drug cartels are sending drugs across the border. This means the use of more drugs in society. In many areas of the country, the white race is already a minority. Children will need to accept other races of people, and hopefully do so without giving up Christian principles.
The debt of our nation is mind-boggling. We are becoming more and more vulnerable to those nations from whom we are borrowing money. Not only that, we can no longer afford to wage war as we have been able to do, nor do we have the money to help others as in the past. Social programs have been continuing as our nation borrows and prints more money. Some of those programs may have to stop. This means that our children must be educated in such a way as to get jobs to be self-supporting. Our children will possibly have to do without much that they now enjoy. They will need to learn the difference between needs and wants and how to use money wisely.
The power grids in certain parts of our country have already experienced cyber attacks. Technology is such even now that people overseas can hack into our computers and steal our personal information. Certain countries have sworn to wipe us off the face of the map with missiles or bombs that can reach us.
Not a pretty picture for our children!! What can we do to prepare them? The truth is that we cannot totally prepare them. What we can do is to give them a good Spiritual foundation by teaching the Scripture and the value of the Bible and prayer. We must give them a good basic education and help them become problem-solvers. We need to teach them to stand their ground in a loving way. They must learn to be thrifty, hard workers, and resourceful. They cannot do this and always be physically comfortable. They must learn to sacrifice self pleasure when the situation warrants doing so.
What a task we have as adults to prepare our children for future America! The future is upon us!

Raising Compassionate Children

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Raising Compassionate Children

 

People who are compassionate do not want to hurt others. The bullying, murdering, and gossiping in the world would not exist if everyone were compassionate and truly cared for the feelings of others.

How can we help our children learn to be compassionate and grow up caring for the feelings of others? We need to start very early in their lives by fostering sympathy in tragic situations, giving practice in doing nice things for others, and setting the example of showing compassion.

Even very young toddlers can respond to exclamations they hear from others. A person can exclaim, “Poor puppy! He is hurt!” Such phrases and tone of voice instills in a small child a feeling of compassion. Finding a bird with a broken wing and nursing it is an example of showing compassion. Feeding a stray cat or dog is also an example of showing compassion.

As children grow older, taking part in programs such as Wounded Warrior certainly can make a lasting impression on a teen. Gathering items for the homeless or persons who are victims of disasters can be of benefit not only to the organization, but also to the participants. Disabled Veterans is another organization needing help where children can experience compassion. Many teens take part in serving Thanksgiving dinners to those who are alone on the holiday. Churches sponsor mission trips for teens to help on an Indian reservation or in a city to foster an understanding of the needs of others.

It is too easy for us to get involved in our own world and forget those around us. When we pull back from others and think only of ourselves, we lose compassion for others. Older adults should set the example of showing compassion through example in both word and deed.

The opposite of compassion is selfishness. We wonder why our young people do such terrible things that we hear almost daily on the news. One reason is that there is no feeling of compassion in those doing the injustice. Children become desensitized to violence. Violence is so commonplace that children almost take it for granted as a part of life, not realizing the hurt and pain the victims suffer. Some children have a difficult time separating fiction from reality. When they see so much violence on TV or in video games with no consequences for that violence, they become detached from the reality of pain and suffering. It is up to the parents, grandparents, church workers, and school workers to help make sure that the children understand the reality of the consequences of violence.

The brains of teenagers are not fully developed to understand risk. They often act on impulse without thinking through the consequences of their behavior. If we can instill a feeling of compassion in our children when they are young, when the chance for violence comes to the child, that child will automatically feel compassion and resist the hurting of others. Without compassion, there is no understanding of the hurt they may cause.

One of the most important things we can do to counteract the violence in our culture is to instill compassion in our children.

Teens Expect Much from Parents

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Teens Expect Much from Parents

 

“Leave me alone!” “You don’t trust me!” “I can do it without you!” “Just don’t bother me!” “Will you take me shopping?”

These are some of the confusing outcries of teens. On the one hand, they want to be independent. On the other hand, they want to be taken care of. How is a parent to know what to do??

Transitioning from total independence as a child to complete independence as an adult is not easy for a teen. Needless to say, this transition time is not easy for a teen parent either. Parents must know when to step in and when to step out of the teen’s world. Parents need to know how to be supportive of the teen and still keep the teen safe from harm. Most of all, parents need to know how to nurture the teen’s independence and respect that teen’s desire for independence.

Being a good teen parent begins with the understanding of what the teen is going through. Recognizing the physical, emotional, and social changes taking place makes patience and understanding easier. Rapid physical growth brings about a bigger appetite and sometimes a need for extra sleep. Emotional changes cause the teen to question the meaning of life and to become upset more easily. Social changes cause the teen to easily be embarrassed and confused as to proper behavior. The teen must figure out all of these things. In doing so, the teen needs the parent at times to interject facts or questions to guide thinking. The emotional side of the teen causes the teen to reject an adult’s advice when it becomes too much to handle. When this happens, the parent needs to step back and let the teen calm down.

It is important for a parent to be observant and quickly recognize positive decisions made by the teen. In doing so, the parent becomes supportive of the proper behavior, and the teen will gravitate toward the behavior that is gaining the positive support. When a teen does something right and gets no recognition, that teen is not as likely to repeat the positive action. Teens hunger for positive recognition and will do almost anything to gain it. That is why peer pressure plays such an important role in a teen’s behavior. It follows, then, that if the teen is getting plenty of positive reinforcement at home, school, or church, peer pressure will not have as great an influence as otherwise. Every time a parent is able to positively and honestly compliment the teen, it is like investing in insurance for the time the parent must reject a teen’s decision for that teen’s own safety and well-being. If the teen has received a lot of positive support, that teen is not as likely to be upset when a “no” comes from parents.

Teens need to be given opportunities for “instant success”. Small tasks where a teen easily succeeds build confidence. This is a way of nurturing independence. The teen builds on success. On the other hand, if a teen is put in a position where failure is almost inevitable, a lack of self-confidence is the result and frustration, and possibly even anger, is sure to follow. Simply said, we need to accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative. Of course, it isn’t always possible to do so, but the more we can reinforce the positive, the better the results will be.

Many parents seem to think that as the child becomes a teen, parents are needed less. Perhaps just the opposite is true. Parents must be flexible and change some of the ways of dealing with their child, but very close scrutiny is still required. It takes a great deal of wisdom to raise a teen. Where do we get that wisdom? The Bible tells us that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. Raising a teen is much easier with a great deal of prayer!

Teens Need Help Making Decisions

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Teens Need Help Making Decisions

 

There is a great deal of research now occurring concerning the brain and how it works. Recent research indicates that the part of the brain that influences decision-making and problem-solving is not fully developed during the teen years. The frontal lobes which help control risk-taking and thrill-seeking are not fully developed until around age 20. This causes teenagers to feel invincible and not fully consider the consequences of their choices. If teens know about this research, they might possibly be more open to the acceptance of the advice of parents, teachers, and others who are older.

Below are six primary steps to decision-making for teens. If parents are aware of these steps, they can pass them along to their daughters and sons and better help them with decision-making.

The six steps recommended for decision-making by teens are:

  • List the choices.
  • Think about the pros and cons of each choice.
  • Assess the likelihood of the consequences actually happening.
  • Compare the consequences and their importance.
  • Decide and act.
  • Evaluate the consequences, both expected and unexpected.

 

Parents need to help teens see options when they list choices. It is difficult for teens to see more than one or two options. At this point, they may feel more influence from the opinions of friends. Parents may need to point out that the friends may not have thought of all of the options available.

If parents are patient, teens often welcome their advice. When parents become involved, it is evidence to the young person that the parent cares. There are times when the parent must make the final decision no matter how much conversation has occurred. However, the process of involving the teen has long-lasting benefits. Although the teen may not seem cooperative, the process itself becomes imbedded in the mind of that person to help in the next decision. This process should be repeated over and over to ensure that the teen understands the steps to decision-making. When young people are involved in the decision, they are more likely to follow it.

The teen years are a transitioning time between the total dependence on parents as a child and independence from parents as an adult. The safety of the teen is foremost, but as much as possible with this in mind, teens need to be allowed to make decisions with the understanding that the parent has the last word.

It’s a Matter of Choice

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It’s a Matter of Choice

 

There are many parents of older children who are carrying a load of guilt as they go about their daily activities. These are the parents of children who did not turn out in adulthood as the parents had visualized during their upbringing. These parents are feeling that they were bad parents who did a poor job of raising their children.

The truth is that when God created us, he created us with the ability to make our own choices. God does not choose for us and neither can we choose for our children. Just as God tries to teach us and persuade us, so we in turn try to teach and persuade our children. Ultimately, we are each judged individually based on the choices we have made.

Why, then, do we have the verse in the Bible upon which this column is based? Why does the Bible say, “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it”. (Proverbs 22:6)? It is because God wants us to do all we can to train a child in a way that the child will want to live a righteous life. However, a child is not truly trained until he/she automatically acts according to the principles being taught. Telling is not teaching. A child must determine for self the principles upon which his/her life will be based. We may think we have trained the child, but in reality the child may not be truly trained. If the child is truly trained, that child will not depart from those truths learned. However, ultimately it is the choice of the child as to whether he/she can be trained.

When a child is small, it is easy to force a child to behave correctly as we perceive correct behavior. That does not mean that the child is convinced that the behavior being required is best. Children often obey out of fear, not really believing what they are being told. For instance, we can require a child to say, “I’m sorry”, but that child may not be sorry at all. What else would a 3 ft. child do when being confronted by a 6 ft. adult? The child may or may not learn later the reason for being sorry. Even though the child obeyed, there may have been no sincerity involved.

There is no such thing as a perfect parent. We do what we can with the tools we have at the time. However, God holds us responsible for doing our best with those tools and for continuing to learn about childrearing to obtain more tools. We, as parents, are judged according to our intent and actions as parents. Children are judged according to the choices they make. As we think back through history, we can see those who came from what we would think of as really bad homes, yet they turned out to be real contributors to society. It is just as true that children can be raised in good homes and not turn out as expected.

What is the answer, then, to the task of parents? It is to love our children with a self-sacrificial love, and do the best we possibly can. We try to make sure they have a spiritual foundation as well as a good foundation in mental, physical, and social growth. We need to continue to pray for them as long as we live. We need to remember, however, that even God’s children do not always turn out the way He wants. He wants the children He has entrusted to our care to be His obedient children and loves them even more than we do. We are not in this task alone. We pray that they will make the right choices.

 

The Value of Physical Activity

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The Value of Physical Activity

 

Children need to develop in four areas. Those four areas are mental, social, spiritual, and physical. Quite often one or more of these areas may be neglected, but each area is important.

Physical development does not come automatically. Even though a child is growing bigger, he may not be growing healthier. An old expression says, “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy”. Children get most of their physical activity from play, but they can also get it from work.

What are the benefits of physical activity? Physical activity strengthens the body. A child who is physically active is usually a happier child. Children involved in team sports learn teamwork and what it means to give one’s best.

The blood in our bodies bathes every muscle and organ bringing nourishment to every part. When we exercise, the heart pumps harder ensuring that each part is reached with the nutrients needed. When a person sits around all the time, the blood doesn’t move as fast and nutrients are not carried throughout the body as needed. Body parts do not work at their maximum without the stimulation of exercise. The brain needs to be bathed by the blood just as does all of the body. We do not think as clearly and as well without exercise.

We’ve heard of those who have been unfortunate and had to spend a lengthy amount of time in the hospital having to learn to walk again. The muscles become very weak without usage. The heart is a muscle. When we exercise and it beats more rapidly, it is getting strengthened, too.

Exercise creates endorphin. Endorphin is a substance that fights pain and depression. We often forget that children can be depressed as much or more than adults. People who don’t exercise often start feeling sorry for themselves and become depressed. Physical exercise helps to prevent this from happening. It is best to keep busy. Teenagers often like to stay in their rooms for long periods of time. This is an emotional time in their lives and at this time they especially need to exercise.

Team sports at school provide a fun way to get exercise. While getting the physical activity, they also learn to put themselves in background positions for the overall good of others. The cheering they hear while playing builds self-esteem and motivates them to go beyond what they have accomplished and reach for more. They often discover that they can do more than they ever thought they could. This transfers to other areas of their lives as well and they develop the attitude that they can do better. This becomes a motivation to be the best they can be.

Sometimes it seems that there is not enough time to do everything a child needs. Exercise can be worked into the schedule in subtle ways. Parents can ask children to run a race to the mailbox. When shopping, the car can be parked at the back of the parking lot to require more walking. The TV, phone, and computer can be limited, and children should have chores to do. Even when dad is wrestling or “rough-housing” the kids on the floor, they are getting some exercise. When I taught second grade, the children in our class planned their own obstacle course. They climbed a 4 ft. wall, leapfrogged over a rock, crawled through a barrel, skipped, hopped, and scissor-stepped back to the starting place. They did this at recess, but a similar course could be made at home.

Let’s keep our kids moving so they can get the exercise they need!

 

 

 

Whining–and What to do About it

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Whining—and What to do About it

No one likes to hear a whining child. Parents become frustrated when a child continues to whine. As the parent shows frustration, the child seems to whine all the more! Why do children whine? What can be done to prevent whining? How should we deal with whining when it happens?
The true reason children whine is because they are thinking of self and self- comfort. The child may want a pleasure for self such as a toy, activity, food, or even just simply the attention of someone. Chances are that the child has found that whining has worked before as a tool to get the desire. When something works, isn’t it logical to repeat that action?
The basic attitude of the inner self determines actions. When a child is taught to think of the comfort of others instead of just thinking of self, chances are that child will not be a whiner. It becomes a part of the nature of the child to think of how actions affect others. The emphasis is taken off self and put on those around. Even very young children can learn to be considerate of others. It is an attitude that is often “caught” in the home.
When a child whines, it can be embarrassing. This is especially true if it is in a public place. It is so tempting to give the child what is wanted to get him/her to be quiet. That simply shows the child that whining works! Next time something is wanted, there will be more whining. The better thing to do is simply tell the child that no one likes whining and that they cannot have the wanted item until it stops. Our children are more important than the opinion of others who may be listening. Actions should be chosen for the benefit of the child, not strangers. If the wanted item is not good for the child, or if it is not something the child should have, simply say “no” and leave it at that. Soon the child will tire of whining if they know you really mean it. They whine as long as they have a chance to get what they want.
Sometimes it helps to mimic the child. Let the child know what they sound like. This is a good technic if in a private place. Ask the child if what they hear is pleasant and if he/she would like to hear that often. Chances are, the child will stop and think before doing it again.
Recently I observed a mom who had a dog on a leash and three children with her. One child kept whining and saying over and over that she was hungry. The mom was paying more attention to the dog than to the child. Soon the mom got angry with both the dog and the child! I had to wonder if the child was feeling that the mom loved the pet more than  the child.
Whining stems from an attitude of self-desire. If a child can learn to think of others first, much whining will be avoided. Helping a child understand how whining sounds, can go a long way in stopping whining. A child should not be rewarded for whining by giving in to his/her wants. Children should never have to question whether they have a parent’s love. Pets are not more important than children.

How Can We Develop Compassion in Children?

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How can we Develop Compassion in Children?

We often wonder why we see so much violence in the news. Why do people hurt others? Why do people do things to property that eventually causes trouble for others? Could it be that those individuals have never learned to feel compassion?

When we feel compassion for others, we usually feel sympathy and concern as well. It causes us to stop and think about the feelings of others. It follows, then, that if we can help children develop compassion, they will probably act in compassionate ways.
One way to develop compassion is to talk about hurt and pain. Caring for animals may lead to compassionate feelings. Guiding activities that help others is a third way to help children understand the feelings and cares of others.

What we say to children is very important. When we see someone hurting, a comment such as, “I know that person must hurt badly”, draws attention to suffering. Opposite type comments such as, “That person must be lazy and not want to work”, keeps a child from feeling compassion. Watching selected news provides opportunities to talk about pain and suffering.

When a child learns to care for an animal, that child can learn to care about whether the animal is hungry, cold, scared, etc. Anytime a child can identify with feelings of another person or animal, that child is learning compassion. On the other hand, if a child is allowed to let a pet go hungry, be cold, etc., the child is learning not to be compassionate.
When families or groups do activities such as taking food to the sick or helping the needy, they are developing compassion in children. There are many worthwhile projects that can be done by children.

Many people are not able to recognize the feelings of others by what they say or do. Pointing out actions or words of others that indicate hurt will help the child become aware of others. When a child acts like a bully, it may well be because that child is hurting and taking feelings out on another. When a child puts another child down for an accomplishment, it may be because the child is hurting for a lack of attention. We are all guilty of often judging people’s actions only by their words when we should be looking a little deeper. If we can help children look deeper, they are many steps ahead in life.

The careful choice of words and activities we use with children cannot be overemphasized. Compassion is an attitude. Attitudes are often caught, instead of being taught. Although we can do and say certain things to help develop compassion, as in so many other areas, example is the most effective teacher.

How to Talk so Kids can Learn

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How to Talk so Kids Can Learn

 

People do not like to be yelled at! Children are people, too. Children do not like to be yelled at!

The way we talk to children greatly affects their learning. Our tone and volume of voice is very important as we relate to the little ones. We need to take the time, whenever possible, to explain and reason with children.

I have observed over the years that many parents constantly bark orders to children, often so rapidly that the children do not have time to mentally process one order before being given another. When this happens, children become resentful, confused, embarrassed, and often give up trying to obey. They may pout or act out in frustration. They hurt inside because they feel that the one yelling at them does not love them. It becomes even more confusing when, after barking orders to the children, a few minutes later that same parent may say, “I love you”. This scenario gives an untrue example of love. Love is patient. On the other hand, if we slow down, take time to let the child process instructions, and explain where needed, the child calms down, is more likely to obey, and senses love as shown through patience. Sometimes a parent will get better results to simply go to the child, put an arm around that child, and whisper instructions slowly.

Children can often understand more than we give them credit for if we take the time to give the explanations in words they understand. We forget that they do not have the same vocabulary that we have. They increase their vocabulary as we explain why we expect them to do certain things. When they have the understanding, they are more apt to act appropriately on their own when parents are not around. Many believe that if they just get their children in the habit of doing certain things that they will grow up and maintain those habits. Habits only go so far. Understanding of reasons for acting appropriately will extend the correct behavior. There comes a time in a child’s life when that child begins to question what parents have told them. If they have the basic understanding of the “whys”, they are more apt to stick with what they have been taught.

The use of questions instead of statements is so very important in helping children reason out the “whys” of behavior. Telling is not teaching! When we ask questions, a child is forced to think. Following are some examples of common questions that can be asked in various situations:

  • How would your friend feel if you told him/her that?
  • What would happen if you did that?
  • What were you thinking when you did that?
  • What do you think your friend was thinking when he/she did that?
  • Why do you want to do that?
  • How would the people around you feel if they heard you say that?

These are just general questions to help a child think through his/her actions before making a decision. They also help to develop empathy and teach decision-making.

Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish wrote a book titled, How to Talk so Kids Can Learn. I highly recommend it. It is available on Amazon.com and may also be available in your local library. Although I do not agree with everything in the book, it certainly helps us rethink how we are talking to our children.

Utilizing Teachable Moments

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Utilizing Teachable Moments

 

We’ve all heard the expression, “It’s too late to close the gate after the horse is gone”. Well, it is much better to teach children right from wrong early in life than to wait until they have “escaped the corral” and gone in the wrong direction. Unfortunately, it seems that many parents do not think of teaching until something happens to demand their attention. They tend to react to bad situations rather than act ahead of time to prevent those situations in the first place.

There are many teachable moments in a child’s life when we can instill real truths that will last a lifetime. By instilling these attitudes early, much heartache can be avoided later. However, it takes real awareness on the part of the parents or guardians to recognize these moments when a child is most receptive to the truth being taught.

I remember remarking to my husband when I taught kindergarten, “You know, I think you could teach anything to a kindergartner if you just go about it the right way!” Five-year-olds seem to be so very eager to learn. They love their teachers and will forgive them almost anything. This whole year of life seems to be made up of teachable moments. It is such an important year!

Children will inevitably get sick at some time or another. This is probably the best time for parent and child to bond. Children learn compassion as they experience the compassion and care of others. It is at a time like this that a parent needs to hold a child, sing to the child, and perhaps tell stories, and give encouragement. Children learn so much about love at a time like this. They learn also that they are vulnerable. People who are extremely healthy sometimes have an attitude of indestructibility. Children who have been sick a lot often grow up with an attitude of humility.

When a child watches a movie with a parent, there are usually many things that happen in the movie that could stimulate conversation for discussion of correct and incorrect behavior. Events and happenings in everyday life offer many teachable moments as well. When arrests of acquaintances are made, it is appropriate to have discussions with children about the choices that person made. Help children see what the consequences of bad choices are.

At bedtime, when the children are tucked in and prayers are heard, discuss with the children choices, both good and bad, that were made that day by the child. Children are often receptive at this time and it is a time of closeness between parent and child.

Unless a parent is constantly on the lookout for teachable moments, they will be missed. Parents need to be conscious at all times of what their children are doing and thinking. It is only a caring parent who will do this. Raising children is a 24 hour task. It is tiring mentally, physically, and spiritually and means often giving up one’s social life. As a person in the autumn of life, I can tell you that when you reach this age, you will think back and say that you had those children close to you for only a short time. . When they are little, they step on your toes. When they are grown, they step on your heart. The more we take advantage of the teachable moments while they are still at home, the less they will step on our heart when they are gone away from home.