Tag Archives: communicating with teens

Every Child Needs Hope

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Train up a child…

 

Every Child Needs Hope

 

It is very sad to witness a child who has lost hope. A child with no hope is a child who has given up on life. Disastrous behavior such as suicide, violence, experimentation with forms of escapism, or other unwanted acts occur. To prevent these things, we need to understand the causes of the feeling of hopelessness in a child. Understanding the causes can help us prevent or remedy the results of hopelessness.

What makes a child give up hope? When more is expected of a child than that child can produce, a child gives up hope. When a child never seems to measure up to expectations of parents, teachers, or society, the child eventually gets to the point of thinking “What’s the use?” Promoting a child in school year after year, when the child is not mastering the skill level of each grade puts a child in an impossible situation where he/she is unable to accomplish the work assigned. This often causes a child to drop out of school and seek success elsewhere. When a child does not feel well physically, tasks often seem insurmountable. Rejection by others is another reason a child may lose hope. This is especially true with teenagers whose fragile egos are bruised very easily.

We can help prevent hopelessness by using caution in the methods of discipline we use. A child should never be disciplined in such a way as to strip that child of a sense of value. Verbal abuse is often more harmful to children than a hard spanking. Discipline should be geared to inspiring a child to do better rather than condemning a child for making a mistake. Yelling at a child or telling the child that he/she is bad, takes away the child’s value as a person. Good discipline distinguishes between the act of the child being bad and the child, itself, being bad. If a child is told he/she is bad, that child comes to believe it, and the child simply gives up hope of ever being good.

We can help a child have hope by making sure that success is experienced. Even if it is a small success, the child gains hope through the accomplishment. When we put a child in too difficult a situation, we are setting the child up for failure. Each child must grow at his/her own rate. We cannot force a child to do more than he/she is able to do.

When a child knows he/she is loved even when mistakes are made, rejection by others is not so difficult to endure. Children need to know that they are loved unconditionally by parents and by God.

Ultimately, the only hope for any of us is in God, Himself. Things of this world are all temporary. The Bible is our best instruction book for raising children. In I Corinthians, chapter 13, we are told that we need faith, hope, and love. We find all three of these in Christ. Parents, grandparents, and other family members should model the unconditional love of God. In doing so, the child is helped to have hope and can experience love.

Closing the Generation Gap

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Closing the Generation Gap

 

How often do we use the generation gap as an excuse to write off our inability to communicate with teens? Does the generation gap really exist? Do we really make the effort we should to close that gap in order to meet the needs of our teens?

There truly is a difference from one generation to another when it comes to the culture of our society. However, there is no change from generation to generation when it comes to emotional needs of individuals. There is no doubt that the world of today’s teen seems foreign to those of us who grew up without cell phones, texting, play stations, facebook, twitter, and the like; nevertheless, the emotional needs of people many generations ago were the same as the emotional needs of our teens today. Everyone wants to feel loved no matter the generation. Everyone wants to feel self-worth. Everyone wants to feel acceptance. Everyone wants friends and family for support. I believe everyone has an inner desire to worship and serve something.

The wise grandparent, parent, teacher, or any other person who works with a teen would do well to concentrate on the emotional needs of teens because it is there that we will always be able to identify. To concentrate on the differences instead of the likenesses is a waste of time that could be well spent in bonding with a young person. Who, of any age, does not appreciate an understanding person who can quickly recognize hurts and offer consolation? Who does not appreciate an encouraging word from another person whether old or young?

We don’t have to understand all of the technology being used by the younger generation. If we should decide to learn about some of the things so commonly used, we can ask a teen to teach us. By doing so, we have actually contributed to that teen’s self-worth. It feels good to be able to teach an older person something! On a visit to CA some time back, my granddaughter taught me to text while we were riding to her house from the airport. I even sent a text to her boyfriend and he sent one back! It was fun. She was definitely enjoying teaching Nana about her gadget. As we admit that we don’t know everything and submit to the younger generation to teach us, we are creating an environment where the younger people will listen to us more readily when we want to teach them something from our experience.

Each generation has its special set of “tools” with which to confront life. Upon close examination, we find that those tools are simply for the purpose of fulfilling the emotional needs that never change. Cultures and temptations may change, but the inner heartfelt needs of individuals do not.

To recognize and accept this fact is a big step in the right direction to closing that generation gap.

 

 

Teens Expect Much from Parents

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Teens Expect Much from Parents

 

“Leave me alone!” “You don’t trust me!” “I can do it without you!” “Just don’t bother me!” “Will you take me shopping?”

These are some of the confusing outcries of teens. On the one hand, they want to be independent. On the other hand, they want to be taken care of. How is a parent to know what to do??

Transitioning from total independence as a child to complete independence as an adult is not easy for a teen. Needless to say, this transition time is not easy for a teen parent either. Parents must know when to step in and when to step out of the teen’s world. Parents need to know how to be supportive of the teen and still keep the teen safe from harm. Most of all, parents need to know how to nurture the teen’s independence and respect that teen’s desire for independence.

Being a good teen parent begins with the understanding of what the teen is going through. Recognizing the physical, emotional, and social changes taking place makes patience and understanding easier. Rapid physical growth brings about a bigger appetite and sometimes a need for extra sleep. Emotional changes cause the teen to question the meaning of life and to become upset more easily. Social changes cause the teen to easily be embarrassed and confused as to proper behavior. The teen must figure out all of these things. In doing so, the teen needs the parent at times to interject facts or questions to guide thinking. The emotional side of the teen causes the teen to reject an adult’s advice when it becomes too much to handle. When this happens, the parent needs to step back and let the teen calm down.

It is important for a parent to be observant and quickly recognize positive decisions made by the teen. In doing so, the parent becomes supportive of the proper behavior, and the teen will gravitate toward the behavior that is gaining the positive support. When a teen does something right and gets no recognition, that teen is not as likely to repeat the positive action. Teens hunger for positive recognition and will do almost anything to gain it. That is why peer pressure plays such an important role in a teen’s behavior. It follows, then, that if the teen is getting plenty of positive reinforcement at home, school, or church, peer pressure will not have as great an influence as otherwise. Every time a parent is able to positively and honestly compliment the teen, it is like investing in insurance for the time the parent must reject a teen’s decision for that teen’s own safety and well-being. If the teen has received a lot of positive support, that teen is not as likely to be upset when a “no” comes from parents.

Teens need to be given opportunities for “instant success”. Small tasks where a teen easily succeeds build confidence. This is a way of nurturing independence. The teen builds on success. On the other hand, if a teen is put in a position where failure is almost inevitable, a lack of self-confidence is the result and frustration, and possibly even anger, is sure to follow. Simply said, we need to accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative. Of course, it isn’t always possible to do so, but the more we can reinforce the positive, the better the results will be.

Many parents seem to think that as the child becomes a teen, parents are needed less. Perhaps just the opposite is true. Parents must be flexible and change some of the ways of dealing with their child, but very close scrutiny is still required. It takes a great deal of wisdom to raise a teen. Where do we get that wisdom? The Bible tells us that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. Raising a teen is much easier with a great deal of prayer!

How to Talk to a Teen

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How to Talk to a Teen

 

Many parents complain about trying to communicate with their teen son or daughter. “They just clam up and won’t talk”, they often say. There are a few things to consider when trying to “get inside” a teen. Three of those many things are timing, location, and choice of words.

Too many times we want to talk to a teen when it is convenient for us rather than thinking about whether it is convenient to the teen. Teens have many adjustments to make in growing up resulting in many things on their minds and many differing moods. One minute they may be on top of the world and the next minute down in the dumps. It is helpful to determine the mood of the teen at the moment and choose a time when that person is more receptive to conversation. It is not wise to try to talk to a teen if that teen is watching a favorite show on TV, in the middle of a conversation with a friend, or otherwise occupied with something he/she considers very important. It is best to watch for an opportunity when the child is not focused on something else. It seems that to a teen, everything is big and important, even though it may not seem that way to us. To interrupt in the middle of something very important to the teen simply causes the teen to become frustrated and usually unable to concentrate fully on what we might want to discuss.

If a time can be arranged for just the two of you to be alone, that is best. Teens are very self-conscious. They are always worried about what those around them may think of them. The teen cannot be expected to reveal true feelings when friends are around. They will tend to be worried about what their friends may be thinking and will choose answers to impress the friends. It is best to have only the parent or parents present with the teen when serious matters are to be discussed. The teen will usually feel freer to talk with one parent rather than two, but the parent should be alert to any effort on the part of the child to pit one parent against another. Parents need to support each other.

I have found in my past experience that one of the very best places to talk with a teen is in a car. If the teen has a driver’s license, ask to be driven to a drive-in for a coke. For some reason, it seems that teens will open up and tell you almost anything while sitting behind the steering wheel with just the two of you present. I’m not sure why that works, but it seems to always work for me. Another possibility is to take the son or daughter to lunch or shopping where just the two of you are present. The teen feels special for getting the undivided attention and is more apt to talk with you when no one else is present.

Choice of words is so very important. There are key words that upset a teen. Words that deal with how a teen looks can be very cutting. “You” is a word that makes the discussion personal and often carries the connotation of blame. Most of the time, it is better to generalize when discussing behavior rather than personalize. Never butt in when the child is talking. Wait until the child pauses for you to say something. Don’t condemn. Lecturing the child or condemning the child will most certainly keep that child from talking to you in the future. Try to be understanding and ask questions that will cause the person to think and figure out for him/herself the best way to handle a situation. Telling is not teaching. We should always try to get the son or daughter to decide for self the proper way to act or react. Try not to be shocked no matter what you are told. Stay calm and let the teen get everything “off the chest”. Even if you know the child is wrong, remember that you will not convince him/her that it is wrong simply by saying that it is. They must know the reasoning behind the words. The value of asking questions cannot be overestimated. Questions that cannot be answered with a simple “yes” or “no” will stimulate more conversation and thinking.

Teen years are difficult years. It is so much better to get values taught before the teen years arrive, but it is impossible to achieve this goal completely. Our love for our teens requires that we be patient, gentle, and understanding. Emphasis should be placed on the feelings of the teen rather than our own discomfort or feelings. Choosing the right time and location to talk to teens helps to allay discomfort for both. Words can hurt and therefore must be chosen carefully.

Teens Need Help Making Decisions

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Teens Need Help Making Decisions

 

There is a great deal of research now occurring concerning the brain and how it works. Recent research indicates that the part of the brain that influences decision-making and problem-solving is not fully developed during the teen years. The frontal lobes which help control risk-taking and thrill-seeking are not fully developed until around age 20. This causes teenagers to feel invincible and not fully consider the consequences of their choices. If teens know about this research, they might possibly be more open to the acceptance of the advice of parents, teachers, and others who are older.

Below are six primary steps to decision-making for teens. If parents are aware of these steps, they can pass them along to their daughters and sons and better help them with decision-making.

The six steps recommended for decision-making by teens are:

  • List the choices.
  • Think about the pros and cons of each choice.
  • Assess the likelihood of the consequences actually happening.
  • Compare the consequences and their importance.
  • Decide and act.
  • Evaluate the consequences, both expected and unexpected.

 

Parents need to help teens see options when they list choices. It is difficult for teens to see more than one or two options. At this point, they may feel more influence from the opinions of friends. Parents may need to point out that the friends may not have thought of all of the options available.

If parents are patient, teens often welcome their advice. When parents become involved, it is evidence to the young person that the parent cares. There are times when the parent must make the final decision no matter how much conversation has occurred. However, the process of involving the teen has long-lasting benefits. Although the teen may not seem cooperative, the process itself becomes imbedded in the mind of that person to help in the next decision. This process should be repeated over and over to ensure that the teen understands the steps to decision-making. When young people are involved in the decision, they are more likely to follow it.

The teen years are a transitioning time between the total dependence on parents as a child and independence from parents as an adult. The safety of the teen is foremost, but as much as possible with this in mind, teens need to be allowed to make decisions with the understanding that the parent has the last word.

It’s Tough to be the Parents of a Teen

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It’s Tough to be the Parents of a Teen

 

“Who is this new child in my home? This can’t be the child I held on my lap and read to, then heard prayers, gave a hug and kiss and tucked in for a nice night’s sleep! Now I see a child that is much different from anything I ever imagined my child would be! I’m bewildered. My child seems bewildered. To be truthful, I’m scared. I thought I was being the perfect parent, but my child is not being the perfect child. The results I am seeing are not what I expected.”

Many parents of teenagers may very well be thinking the above thoughts. There is no doubt that being the parent of a teenager is a really tough task.

We may tell our children that we will always love them. When children become teens, that love is truly tested. Now, we must prove that love. We must put our pride aside and do what is best for the child, even if it may be embarrassing at times. Love is understanding. Love is patient. Love doesn’t keep score. Love is long-suffering. Love is kind. Love doesn’t have to have its own way. Love is gentle. Can we really display these characteristics with this seemingly new person? When the apostle, Paul, described love in I Corinthians 13, he didn’t say to show these characteristics except with teenagers! Even when our children are not so lovable, we are still supposed to love them and that means displaying the characteristics of love named in the Bible.

We need to remember that the teen years are really tough for the child as well as for the parent. The “acting out” that often accompanies a teen is often the result of the same feelings we may be having as parents. They are scared, bewildered, uncertain, dealing with a new body (a body that is larger and looks different). The teen has not learned the proper way to vent deep emotional feelings. Unfortunately, many parents have not learned this lesson either. The result may be a shouting match between parent and child.

When you stop and think about it, isn’t it rather ridiculous for a parent to be shouting at a child to tell the child not to shout at the parent? Two wrongs don’t make a right! “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1) This truly works. To shout to a child who is already shouting is like pouring gasoline on a fire. It just causes more shouting. No one says it is easy, but we must set an example of the behavior we expect from a child.

Quite often, teens say things they don’t really mean, so we need to learn to look at the heart rather than simply going by the words spoken. A teen may shout, “I hate you!” What they are really thinking and feeling may be “I loved you and I don’t feel you loving me back, and now I am hurting and wish I could feel that love!” It is common for teens to feel alone and that no one understands them. If they can’t feel understanding at home, they will look for it elsewhere. Does this mean that we should let the child get away with being disrespectful? No. It should be pointed out that disrespect has been shown and the child needs to be told what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. Also, the child needs to be told that disagreement is alright, but there is a correct way to disagree. He/she then needs to be taught the acceptable way to disagree. Parents and children can then discuss the issues that are really at the root of the trouble.

“Keeping cool” when a teenage child is showing a hot temper is not easy, but the love for the child can be the very thing that gives us the strength to do just that. It helps to know that many parents have gone through the same challenges, many parents are going through those challenges now, and many more parents will do so in the future. We are not alone and we must not abandon our teens just because it is not pleasant to deal with them.

 

 

 

It’s Tough to be a Teen

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It’s Tough to be a Teen

 

I once viewed a video from the Missouri School Board Association that started off with a statement that one out of every five students in Missouri high schools contemplates suicide at one time or another. What a terrible statistic! The gentleman speaking went on to encourage all school workers in Missouri to be on the lookout for troubled students.

Why would teens want to commit suicide? One of the reasons given by experts is lack of hope. Another reason is the use of drugs. A third reason, in my opinion, may be a lack of religious training to educate them with the fact that suicide is not an end, but a beginning of an after life.

It is difficult for teenagers to cope in society. Most adults expect teens to be a problem. This causes teens to feel that it is normal for them to do things they shouldn’t be doing. I believe, as do many other teachers with whom I’ve spoken, that around age 12 a child comes to a crossroad in life. At this point, the child makes a decision as to whether he/she will try to live a good life or just go for doing what feels good at the moment. Peer pressure influences this decision greatly. In addition to peer pressure, children at this age have generally come in contact with many different sets of values. Each teacher in school has his/her own set of rules and values. Parents have a set of rules and values. If the child comes from a broken home, the rules and values of step-parents have also probably differed. The children have to deal with the values and rules of grandparents from both the real parents and the step parents. Is it any wonder that children become confused? This is especially true considering the fact that most children have not attended church to learn the real values taught there.

Hormonal changes at this point in life have a great effect on the child. Studies show that the cerebellum, the back part of the brain, is actually larger in puberty in proportion to the cerebrum, the front part of the brain. This causes the teen to act on impulse rather than thinking things through. It isn’t until about age 20 that the two parts of the brain come to correct proportion. Rapid growth accompanies the hormonal changes and causes a child to be awkward. One week, when a child reached for a glass of water, the arm was at one length. Soon after, the arm is longer and the brain hasn’t adjusted to the new length, and the child may turn the glass over and spill the water. On top of all of this, horror of horrors, pimples start appearing on the face!

While all of these things are happening, children can be very cruel to each other. Bullying is terrible, but it does exist. We can’t guard every word that comes from the mouth of someone, but, thankfully, efforts are being made in many schools to stop bullying.

Is it any wonder that teens are looking for a way out of all of this? It is too bad that they don’t understand that suicide is not the answer. We need to remind teens that all that is happening is temporary, and if they can hold on, things will get better.

The very best thing parents can do is to get their children in a good church that teaches the love of Christ. If they understand this principle, they will always feel loved. As they are taught that God has a plan for each life, they experience hope that is so desperately needed. It is difficult to understand why more parents don’t get their children in church. It costs no money. Someone else is concerned for the child’s welfare. Many activities are provided that are wholesome activities. I could go on and on about the positive values of church and can think of no negative things. Let’s do what is best for our children and put our personal likes and dislikes aside.

How to Talk so Kids can Learn

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How to Talk so Kids Can Learn

 

People do not like to be yelled at! Children are people, too. Children do not like to be yelled at!

The way we talk to children greatly affects their learning. Our tone and volume of voice is very important as we relate to the little ones. We need to take the time, whenever possible, to explain and reason with children.

I have observed over the years that many parents constantly bark orders to children, often so rapidly that the children do not have time to mentally process one order before being given another. When this happens, children become resentful, confused, embarrassed, and often give up trying to obey. They may pout or act out in frustration. They hurt inside because they feel that the one yelling at them does not love them. It becomes even more confusing when, after barking orders to the children, a few minutes later that same parent may say, “I love you”. This scenario gives an untrue example of love. Love is patient. On the other hand, if we slow down, take time to let the child process instructions, and explain where needed, the child calms down, is more likely to obey, and senses love as shown through patience. Sometimes a parent will get better results to simply go to the child, put an arm around that child, and whisper instructions slowly.

Children can often understand more than we give them credit for if we take the time to give the explanations in words they understand. We forget that they do not have the same vocabulary that we have. They increase their vocabulary as we explain why we expect them to do certain things. When they have the understanding, they are more apt to act appropriately on their own when parents are not around. Many believe that if they just get their children in the habit of doing certain things that they will grow up and maintain those habits. Habits only go so far. Understanding of reasons for acting appropriately will extend the correct behavior. There comes a time in a child’s life when that child begins to question what parents have told them. If they have the basic understanding of the “whys”, they are more apt to stick with what they have been taught.

The use of questions instead of statements is so very important in helping children reason out the “whys” of behavior. Telling is not teaching! When we ask questions, a child is forced to think. Following are some examples of common questions that can be asked in various situations:

  • How would your friend feel if you told him/her that?
  • What would happen if you did that?
  • What were you thinking when you did that?
  • What do you think your friend was thinking when he/she did that?
  • Why do you want to do that?
  • How would the people around you feel if they heard you say that?

These are just general questions to help a child think through his/her actions before making a decision. They also help to develop empathy and teach decision-making.

Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish wrote a book titled, How to Talk so Kids Can Learn. I highly recommend it. It is available on Amazon.com and may also be available in your local library. Although I do not agree with everything in the book, it certainly helps us rethink how we are talking to our children.

What Can a Dad Do?

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What Can A Dad Do?

 

Dad is so very important! He sets the tone of the family and should be the head of the house. He is the leader. It is his responsibility to see that the family is cared for physically, mentally, socially and spiritually. It is a daunting task. It is understandable that many times a husband and father may feel overwhelmed and confused by the expectations placed upon him.

There are some definite things a dad may do and, having done those things, have a sense of confidence that he has made a good effort. I would like to suggest a few things for dads to consider.

  • Tell your wife and children each day that you love them. Don’t assume that they know it. They need to be told.
  • Spend time with your wife and children. No amount of money or things can substitute for time spent bonding with the family.
  • Admit it when you make a mistake. Be patient and understanding when other family members make mistakes.
  • Learn to turn off or record your TV program when the family needs you. There is no program on TV as important as your family.
  • Lend a hand with chores around the house such as helping to clear the table, picking up things, putting things away, and keeping things neat and clean. It is not fair that others should have to clean up after you and you are setting an example for the children.
  • When you are away from home, phone often to check on the welfare of the family.
  • Have reasonable expectations. Do not expect children to be just like you. They may have inherited other traits, likes, and dislikes.
  • Play with your children.
  • Have at least a weekly time together with Bible reading and discussion. A daily time is even better.
  • Allow children to make suggestions and consider them. Give explanations as to reasoning in decision making when possible.
  • Learn to fix small things around the house and have your children help you so that they may learn how to do those things.
  • Use good manners to set a good example. Say, “Excuse me”, “thank you”, “please”, and “I’m sorry” when appropriate.
  • Give hugs often.
  • Praise the wife and children at every opportunity.

 

Dad should be earth’s picture of our heavenly Father. Children who grow up with loving fathers seldom crave love out of the home. Mom is to be a helper to Dad as he directs the home. When we each play our appropriate roles, life is much more pleasant and everything seems to go more smoothly.

Happy Father’s Day to our important dads!

Teens, Proms, and Graduation

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Teens, Proms, and Graduation

 

How exciting it is for upper high school students at this time of year! So much is happening! Memories are being made that will last for life. Emotions are running rampant. During this time of excitement, students are in the spotlight and can feel really special. They have a sense of pride of their accomplishments. Both students and parents are feeling apprehension about the future and are possibly feeling some fear. It is also a time of testing—perhaps the biggest test they have faced so far in their lives.

As the parents and students work together to get the best possible clothes, get hair fixed, and make plans for these last days of school, the teens are basking in the attention they are receiving. As they walk across the platform, hear their names called, and receive the handshake, it is a moment they have longed for and dreamed of. The audience is clapping and there is a real sense of accomplishment. The teens are feeling “on cloud nine”!

After the graduation ceremony, the celebration is a test. Will the students celebrate in a socially acceptable way, or will they throw away some of the principles that their parents and teachers have tried to get across? We’ve all heard stories of seniors who get killed in car accidents caused by drinking. We have to question if those students were really ready to become responsible citizens upon the completion of twelve or more years of school and even more years of training in the home. Project Graduation is an effort to give students an acceptable way of celebrating. Hats off to those who work so hard to provide this activity and to all those who donate to help the cause, but wouldn’t it be even better if it were not needed? In some cases perhaps it is simply something nice that is done for seniors. I would like to think that this is always the case. Reality tells us otherwise.

Many parents may spend some sleepless nights after graduation, wondering how their children will behave. The old saying that young people must “sow their wild oats” seems to excuse bad behavior. Those people who hold to this philosophy are perhaps forgetting that the Bible says, “Be not deceived, God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.” (Gal. 6:7) It might be well to remind young people of this verse.

It is so important to instill real truths and desires in children when they are young, so they can pass this test at graduation and the many other tests that await the graduates. Again, there is a verse from the Bible that applies: “Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.” (Prov. 4:23) A child whose heart is right will not want to act in a wrong way. Actions come from what is truly in the heart.