Tag Archives: youth leaders

Children Need to Learn Accuracy

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Train up a child…

 

Children need to learn Accuracy

 

Have you noticed the frequency of mistakes made in business transactions?  Several folks have mentioned lately how frustrating it is to talk to persons on the phone who represent businesses. It is difficult to get clear answers to questions. Could this be happening because those people were not taught to be accurate when they were children?

If children are not taught to be accurate with their work, they grow up thinking that it is adequate to do just enough to get by.  Not only should they be taught to be accurate with work, but they also need to learn to be accurate in what they say.  Perhaps we adults are just as guilty as the children in this area. That is carrying over as an example to the ones who learn more by example than any other way.

Quite often, in our society, children are rewarded for inferior work.  With good intentions, adults often want everyone to win so no one will feel badly.  This is an unrealistic view of life.  If children think they will be rewarded whether or not they do excellent work, why would they want to strive for perfection?  There was a time in school when children were required to do work over and over until they got it right.  Now, sometimes that is still true, but often it is not.  Many children fill in blanks on papers that have been copied and do not have to write complete sentences.  If a misspelled word is close enough to the correct answer, the child is allowed to get by with it without learning to spell the word.  Many of my GED students made a capital C or S all through a paper.  When I corrected them, they responded, “That’s the way I always make my “C” (or “S”). It is obvious they were allowed to do this in school.  My response is, “You are making it wrong”.

Many times it is difficult to get a child to explain something orally. Quite often a child will say, “You know”, or “Whatever”.  They talk in half sentences expecting the listener to understand the meaning behind the few words spoken.  We shouldn’t let children get by with this.  The children should learn to say what they mean and mean what they say. The way a child talks affects the way that child writes.  Speaking and writing accurately requires clear thinking.  Being a responsible adult also requires clear thinking.

It is so easy for adults to fall into a pattern of getting down to a child’s level instead of bringing a child up to the adult level.  When this happens, we all end up thinking and acting like children.  We need to be trying to help our children become responsible adults who can express themselves accurately and do accurate written work.  Our culture of “If it feels good, do it” needs to go away and a new culture of “Do it right” needs to come to our society.

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Nature Holds Lessons for Children

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Train up a child…

 

Nature Holds Lessons for Children

 

We find excellent object lessons for children all around us in nature. When children learn to observe the lessons in nature, they not only develop a love for science that helps them in school, they also learn the answers to some of life’s most perplexing questions.

Children are born with a natural curiosity that we should continue to cultivate. We can use this curiosity to teach important life lessons that will stay with them as long as they live.

I well remember an occasion with my dad when I was a child. He and I were walking down a dusty path in the field to get the cows for milking. My dad suddenly stopped, stooped down, picked a blade of grass and began looking at it intently. I watched as he drew me close to him and said, “Look there, Patsy, at this blade of grass. Look at all the little lines in it. Look at the little hairs on it.” As he continued to marvel at one blade of grass, he looked skyward at an airplane flying overhead. “You know,” he said, “man can make airplanes. Why, someday he may even be able to fly to the moon. One thing man will never be able to do is to make a blade of grass. Only God can do that!”

Each fall my husband and I marvel as we spy monarch butterflies fluttering past on their way south. How do they know to fly south? Even more remarkable is how they change from a funny caterpillar crawling along to a beautiful butterfly. The female butterfly lays an egg on a milkweed leaf, the egg hatches and the caterpillar eats its own shell and begins feeding on the leaves of the plant. Then it forms a chrysalis, stays inside a short time, and comes out a beautiful butterfly. Does this example not give us a hint of how God can give us life after death?

Children are curious about where they came from, why everyone dies, and what happens after death. When they first find out that all of us must die at some time, they become frightened. The story of the butterfly helps children understand how God has provided life after death for us. Although we can’t fully understand everything about the afterlife, the stories in nature guarantee that we serve a God who is capable of keeping His promise. After all, if God can change a worm to a beautiful butterfly, He can take care of us as well.

Another good lesson from nature can be gotten from a limb of a tree. Early in the spring, we can break a small limb from a tree and show the child how it seems so very lifeless. To look at, it seems dead. In a short time, another limb can be shown to the child showing buds coming out and getting ready to open. This too, is a miracle of God. Just as plants appear to be dead, yet come to life again, so we, too, will someday die but come to life again.

A walk in the woods, or even the front yard, can be an avenue for teaching very important lessons to children from nature. These lessons cost only a little time and effort. They are opportunities we don’t want to miss.

Teens Expect Much from Parents

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Teens Expect Much from Parents

 

“Leave me alone!” “You don’t trust me!” “I can do it without you!” “Just don’t bother me!” “Will you take me shopping?”

These are some of the confusing outcries of teens. On the one hand, they want to be independent. On the other hand, they want to be taken care of. How is a parent to know what to do??

Transitioning from total independence as a child to complete independence as an adult is not easy for a teen. Needless to say, this transition time is not easy for a teen parent either. Parents must know when to step in and when to step out of the teen’s world. Parents need to know how to be supportive of the teen and still keep the teen safe from harm. Most of all, parents need to know how to nurture the teen’s independence and respect that teen’s desire for independence.

Being a good teen parent begins with the understanding of what the teen is going through. Recognizing the physical, emotional, and social changes taking place makes patience and understanding easier. Rapid physical growth brings about a bigger appetite and sometimes a need for extra sleep. Emotional changes cause the teen to question the meaning of life and to become upset more easily. Social changes cause the teen to easily be embarrassed and confused as to proper behavior. The teen must figure out all of these things. In doing so, the teen needs the parent at times to interject facts or questions to guide thinking. The emotional side of the teen causes the teen to reject an adult’s advice when it becomes too much to handle. When this happens, the parent needs to step back and let the teen calm down.

It is important for a parent to be observant and quickly recognize positive decisions made by the teen. In doing so, the parent becomes supportive of the proper behavior, and the teen will gravitate toward the behavior that is gaining the positive support. When a teen does something right and gets no recognition, that teen is not as likely to repeat the positive action. Teens hunger for positive recognition and will do almost anything to gain it. That is why peer pressure plays such an important role in a teen’s behavior. It follows, then, that if the teen is getting plenty of positive reinforcement at home, school, or church, peer pressure will not have as great an influence as otherwise. Every time a parent is able to positively and honestly compliment the teen, it is like investing in insurance for the time the parent must reject a teen’s decision for that teen’s own safety and well-being. If the teen has received a lot of positive support, that teen is not as likely to be upset when a “no” comes from parents.

Teens need to be given opportunities for “instant success”. Small tasks where a teen easily succeeds build confidence. This is a way of nurturing independence. The teen builds on success. On the other hand, if a teen is put in a position where failure is almost inevitable, a lack of self-confidence is the result and frustration, and possibly even anger, is sure to follow. Simply said, we need to accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative. Of course, it isn’t always possible to do so, but the more we can reinforce the positive, the better the results will be.

Many parents seem to think that as the child becomes a teen, parents are needed less. Perhaps just the opposite is true. Parents must be flexible and change some of the ways of dealing with their child, but very close scrutiny is still required. It takes a great deal of wisdom to raise a teen. Where do we get that wisdom? The Bible tells us that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. Raising a teen is much easier with a great deal of prayer!

How to Talk to a Teen

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Train up a child…

 

How to Talk to a Teen

 

Many parents complain about trying to communicate with their teen son or daughter. “They just clam up and won’t talk”, they often say. There are a few things to consider when trying to “get inside” a teen. Three of those many things are timing, location, and choice of words.

Too many times we want to talk to a teen when it is convenient for us rather than thinking about whether it is convenient to the teen. Teens have many adjustments to make in growing up resulting in many things on their minds and many differing moods. One minute they may be on top of the world and the next minute down in the dumps. It is helpful to determine the mood of the teen at the moment and choose a time when that person is more receptive to conversation. It is not wise to try to talk to a teen if that teen is watching a favorite show on TV, in the middle of a conversation with a friend, or otherwise occupied with something he/she considers very important. It is best to watch for an opportunity when the child is not focused on something else. It seems that to a teen, everything is big and important, even though it may not seem that way to us. To interrupt in the middle of something very important to the teen simply causes the teen to become frustrated and usually unable to concentrate fully on what we might want to discuss.

If a time can be arranged for just the two of you to be alone, that is best. Teens are very self-conscious. They are always worried about what those around them may think of them. The teen cannot be expected to reveal true feelings when friends are around. They will tend to be worried about what their friends may be thinking and will choose answers to impress the friends. It is best to have only the parent or parents present with the teen when serious matters are to be discussed. The teen will usually feel freer to talk with one parent rather than two, but the parent should be alert to any effort on the part of the child to pit one parent against another. Parents need to support each other.

I have found in my past experience that one of the very best places to talk with a teen is in a car. If the teen has a driver’s license, ask to be driven to a drive-in for a coke. For some reason, it seems that teens will open up and tell you almost anything while sitting behind the steering wheel with just the two of you present. I’m not sure why that works, but it seems to always work for me. Another possibility is to take the son or daughter to lunch or shopping where just the two of you are present. The teen feels special for getting the undivided attention and is more apt to talk with you when no one else is present.

Choice of words is so very important. There are key words that upset a teen. Words that deal with how a teen looks can be very cutting. “You” is a word that makes the discussion personal and often carries the connotation of blame. Most of the time, it is better to generalize when discussing behavior rather than personalize. Never butt in when the child is talking. Wait until the child pauses for you to say something. Don’t condemn. Lecturing the child or condemning the child will most certainly keep that child from talking to you in the future. Try to be understanding and ask questions that will cause the person to think and figure out for him/herself the best way to handle a situation. Telling is not teaching. We should always try to get the son or daughter to decide for self the proper way to act or react. Try not to be shocked no matter what you are told. Stay calm and let the teen get everything “off the chest”. Even if you know the child is wrong, remember that you will not convince him/her that it is wrong simply by saying that it is. They must know the reasoning behind the words. The value of asking questions cannot be overestimated. Questions that cannot be answered with a simple “yes” or “no” will stimulate more conversation and thinking.

Teen years are difficult years. It is so much better to get values taught before the teen years arrive, but it is impossible to achieve this goal completely. Our love for our teens requires that we be patient, gentle, and understanding. Emphasis should be placed on the feelings of the teen rather than our own discomfort or feelings. Choosing the right time and location to talk to teens helps to allay discomfort for both. Words can hurt and therefore must be chosen carefully.

Me, Them, or Us

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Train up a child…

Me, Them, or Us

In parenting, as in so many other areas of life, much more can be accomplished when we work together as a team. It is easy to fall into a habit of pitting one group against another. Where children are concerned, we naturally assume that because they are younger, we are much wiser and knowledgeable. However, every individual is unique and needs to be treated with respect. Children have ideas that are worth considering. Each age group has advantages and limitations. There are common goals that can be set for all ages.

It is difficult to see things from a child’s point of view. If we can win the confidence of the child, the child can share with us thoughts and feelings. We can then understand that child. This becomes the basis of the actions we choose as we attempt to be a good parent. We gain that confidence by listening to the child’s ideas with respect. It is surprising how children can come up with ideas that really work. They can do this because they can better understand how children feel and think since they feel and think the same way.

There are many things children can do that adults cannot do. With their boundless energy, they can run errands for adults who are tired and don’t have that much energy. They can get in small places where adults cannot. Have you noticed that each age group has limitations and certain abilities? Toddlers wish they could do what older brothers and sisters can do. Children wish they could do what teens do. Teens wish they could drive and have more freedom. Young marrieds wish they could get more sleep when they have crying babies! Middle age couples adjust to an empty nest. Older people have aches and pains and loss of energy. When all ages work together, we can help supply the needs of others.

Nothing unites a family or group more than common goals. When each group member understands the goals, they can begin to realize the needs for reaching those goals. When the needs are understood, they can each begin to determine what they can contribute to meeting those needs.Short term goals work best with children, but long term goals are necessary, also. Using the ideas of each family member to set goals helps in motivating each to want to be a part of reaching the goals.

As parents, we need to remember that setting an example is the best teaching method. We set a good example by showing respect to children and doing our part to reach worthy goals that have been set incorporating the ideas of each person involved. Much more can be accomplished and everyone is happier when we work together.

Step Up or Stand Back?

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Train up a child…

 

Stand Back or Step Up?

 

When raising children, there are times to stand back and let the children experience consequences of behavior, and then there are times when a parent or guardian must step up and take control of the child or situation. Some parents tend to always stand back and pretty much let their children raise themselves. Other parents may go to the other extreme and try to take control of practically every move the child makes and also control the circumstances of the child. It takes a great deal of wisdom to know when to stand back and when to step up.

My dad had a favorite comment he often made to my four sisters and me. He would say, “If you won’t listen, you will have to learn the hard way!” My dad was always willing to step up and give advice and do his best to tell us the right way to handle a situation. However, we did not always heed his advice. Sometimes he would step back and watch as we learned through experiencing the natural consequences of our actions. He did not hesitate to tell us, “I told you so”!

Many dads are not stepping up to teach children right from wrong. This may be because they, themselves, are not sure of what is right. It may also be because they are afraid that they will be criticized for making the wrong decision. Wives may be too critical and make him feel badly when the husband tries and falls short of her expectations. If we are honest, we have to admit that it seems that some dads (and moms) simply care more about other things than they do about raising their children to be productive citizens.

Parents need to take the initiative in providing a good home environment, good education, good experiences, good nutrition, good spiritual training, and good families of friends with whom to associate. They need to try to always be one step ahead of the children and provide instruction to children for the situations they are about to encounter. However, after parents have done all they can to instruct and encourage children to make the right choices; they are not responsible for how that child chooses. When children are young, they can be punished for choosing wrongly. Older children who get in trouble and go to jail, in my opinion, should, in most cases, stay there and face the consequences of their behavior.

Dads and moms have separate roles. Moms are to be more gentle and sympathetic. Dads need to be the firm one. He has the final word. Moms, especially, tend to want to jump in and rescue children from consequences. When parents continually rescue children from consequences, they become enablers and this causes the children to think that no matter what they do, they will be rescued. Parents who continually step in and rescue children are actually hurting them. It is usually best to say something like, “You knew what the consequence was for that decision. I’m sorry you chose the way you did.” This lets the child know that the parents are not to be blamed for the situation, but rather the child is the cause. It also lets the child know that the parent does not want the child to suffer but feels that it is necessary for the future welfare of that child. This attitude goes along with the old saying, “This hurts me worse than it hurts you”. Some parents have said this in the past indicating that they, too, are suffering because they want the best for their children and really do not want them to be hurt.

It takes a lot of prayer to raise children. Knowledge of the Bible is the biggest help in knowing what is right and wrong. Without the instruction of the Bible, everyone invents his/her own set of values and society becomes chaotic. Try as hard as we may, we will still make mistakes. Some have said, “We do the best we can with the tools we have at the time.” This is true. It would behoove us, then, to continually study and get better and better tools!

 

Teaching Children to be Resourceful

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Teaching Children to be Resourceful

 

When I graduated from high school and was preparing to leave home                                 to go to college, the youth director at the little church I attended in Verona, MO, bought a small notebook and filled it with wise sayings to guide me through life. One of those sayings was, “An industrious man can do more with a rusty wrench than a lazy man with all the tools in the shop.” This saying has stuck with me through the years as there have been many times when I did not have everything I would have liked to achieve goals.

Life certainly can take some strange turns. Whether the country’s economy is good or bad, children should still be taught to be resourceful.   They should learn not to waste, but to save.

Children need to be prepared to learn how to do without new things and use what they have in more ways. Everyone likes to have new things, but those new things are appreciated much more when they are not so easy to get. It is good for each of us to take inventory of our many blessings and use everything wisely. We need to be good stewards of what we have whether we are poor or wealthy.

My dad used to say, “Your mom can fix anything with a bobby pin!” (A “bobby pin” was the name for a hairpin.) My dad sat each of my sisters and myself on his lap and taught us to tell time with his railroad watch before we ever started to school. Since this was during the time of the Great Depression, it was necessary for families to learn to get along with what they had. As children watched adults practice resourcefulness, they learned to think a little harder about saving money and using their own resources wisely. Today, children are still learning by watching adults either squander what they have or use their resources wisely.

Although we may not go back to darning socks to make them last longer, children can learn to use notebook paper on both sides instead of making one small mark or two and throwing it away. They can learn not to grind their pencils away in a sharpener. They can learn to take portions small enough to finish when they eat so that food is not wasted. They can learn to put away their belongings to prevent loss. They can learn to close bread wrappers so the bread doesn’t dry out. They can learn to stay out of mud puddles so their shoes last longer. They can even learn that brand names on clothing are not always important.

Although Leapfrog toys are wonderful for teaching children, there are many items in our homes that can be used effectively for teaching if we choose. Marshmallows, macaroni, popcorn, raisins, and other items in the kitchen pantry can be used for counting with children as we help them with math homework. Games can be created between brothers and sisters to teach resourcefulness. Give them a task to perform and a limited amount of resources for the project. See who can be the most creative in coming up with ways to accomplish the task. It is actually fun to be resourceful.

Some people accomplish so very little because they spend all of their time complaining that they don’t have what they need. Let’s help our children to become individuals who can get a job done with what they have! There is a big difference between needs and wants. They will learn this difference as they become more and more resourceful.

 

“As the Twig is Bent”

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“As the Twig is Bent”

 

I remember an instructor in our child development class at Missouri University saying, “As the twig is bent, so grows the tree”. She went to great lengths to explain that habits that are formed in childhood last a lifetime. If left unchecked, the inclinations that a child has are reinforced through the years as the child grows. This is true for both good and bad inclinations. It is the task of the parent to “prune” those inclinations as needed. The parent needs to reinforce in positive ways the good, and do their best to eliminate the bad habits.

A common saying about children who are displaying problematic behavior is, “Don’t worry. He will grow out of it.” This may be true as relating to physical changes, but in most behavioral changes, children do not “grow out of it”. The problems, in most cases, gain strength as the child grows.

There are many examples of children growing worse when problems are left unchecked. Take, for instance, the child who throws temper tantrums. When parents give in to the child and do not correct this problem, the child grows up believing that he/she can get whatever is wanted by displaying acts of temper. Another example is the demanding child who does not learn good manners. That child becomes the adult who “railroads” through anyone or everyone to achieve wants and desires. Poor eating habits are very difficult to correct in adulthood. Many obese people are those who, as children, were allowed to eat whatever they wanted. Children who are allowed to act any way they want will not grow up respecting authority. Children who are given everything needed without having to earn anything will not grow up and suddenly say, “Oh, I can do everything for myself”. These children will always be expecting handouts.

Young people seem to have a feeling of indestructibility. They tend to think, “I’m different. That will never happen to me.” I recently talked to a man who is now an alcoholic. He said, “I made the same mistake so many other people have made. I thought it would never happen to me.” It is our duty, as parents and grandparents, to point out examples to prove that it can happen to anyone. Ultimately, each person is individually responsible for choices made, but we need to do all we can to influence those choices and help that person grow in the right direction.

My dad used pieces of string to illustrate to my sisters and me how habits get stronger and stronger. He handed us a piece of string and told us to break it. It was easy. Then he gave us two pieces of string and told us to break them. It was harder. Then he gave us three pieces of string and told us to break them all at the same time. Some of us were able to do it. By the time he got to four pieces of string, it was not possible to break them all at the same time. “That is how it is with habits,” he said. He told us that when you first do something wrong, it is much easier to stop than after you have continued to do it for a time. We understood that it is best not to form bad habits.

Raising children is somewhat like gardening. We prune, feed, and water. We guide and do our best to influence the choices our children make. When they are little, we can prevent bad choices. When they grow up, they will choose according to their own individual beliefs. Other influences in the world compete with the influence of parents. We simply try our very best and bathe our efforts with lots of prayer.

Teens are Risk-Takers

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Teens are Risk-Takers

It is nice that we now have new research of the human brain available. It helps us to better understand why people act as they do. One example of modern research is the finding that the part of the brain dealing with risk-taking is not developed until a person is generally in the twenties. We all know that teens are still growing physically by just looking at them, but knowing this fact,that can’t be seen by just looking at them, helps us realize that teens must be watched very carefully for their own safety. When we think that our teen is fully trustworthy to be cautious, we are fooling ourselves. If they have truly learned to obey rules without questioning, they may be more trustworthy than some, but another feature of teens is that they often start questioning what they have been told in the past.
When teens are left alone to devise activities, they often come up with some really unsafe things. One example of this is called “going under”. This is a “game” that some teens have played where they put a scarf or other object around the neck and squeeze it to cut off air until the child passes out. Unfortunately, some teens do not come back.
Another “game” that was described to me while teaching GED classes was called “phishing”. In this “game”, individuals bring all kinds of pills that they can find at home in medicine cabinets or other places. They get together and put a big bowl in the center of the table and dump all the pills into the bowl and mix them up. Then they “fish” for the kind they want to take. I was told that on one occasion a girl chose all the pink pills. She decided to lie down on the couch. Everyone thought she was asleep, but when they went to wake her up to go home, she didn’t wake up.
Risk-taking carries over into driving. Perhaps that is one reason there are so many car accidents among teenage drivers. Most teenagers think, “It won’t happen to me”. Many teens have not learned to anticipate what other drivers will do. Lack of life experience leaves them lacking in understanding of behavior of others. When this is combined with risk-taking, it makes for a dangerous situation.
Risk-taking may also be a factor in teens trying alcohol, drugs, or smoking. It is during the teen years that many bad habits are formed.
Knowing that teens are risk-takers, what is the best defense for their safety? There are two things that are helpful. First of all, teach children at a young age about the dangers of the world and the importance of obeying rules to avoid those dangers whether they completely understand reasons or not. Secondly, keep teens so busy doing positive things that they don’t have time to get involved in harmful activities.
We should never think that teens are old enough to make all of their own decisions. In some ways, we don’t give teens enough positive responsibility, but in other ways we may expect way too much from them. Love never fails if it is tough love based on the description in I Cor. 13 in the Bible. We need to pray for the wisdom of Solomon to know what to do and when to do it when working with teens!