Tag Archives: parenting

“Same”

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Train up a child…

 

“Same”

 

Recently I was playing “Words with Friends” with our grandson.  I hadn’t gotten a move from him for a few days, so when I did get the word he played, I sent him a message and said, “Hi.  Good to hear from you.  Love you!”  I immediately got a message back from him that said, “Same”.

We have a custom in our family of saying “I love you” very often.  Our family is scattered to California, Colorado, Washington, and Missouri. Every phone call ends with “Love you!” I suppose our grandson decided to make it a little easier by saying “same”.  His doing so, started me thinking about how children are often the same as their parents.  Each year at Mother’s Day, many mothers often wait in anticipation to see how their children will choose to observe the day.  The truth is that it greatly depends on how their mothers observed the day in showing love and respect to their children’s grandmothers.  They will probably act the same, have the same attitudes, and pick up many of the same habits as their moms and dads.

When children see their dad disrespect their mom or vice versa, they will more than likely act the same way.  If dad goes fishing or playing golf on Mother’s Day as though it is not a special day, the children are apt to think of the day as nothing special and choose activities for self-pleasure.  If dad makes a big deal of Mother’s Day, the children will follow the example and do the same.  Studies have shown that we tend to raise our children the way we were raised irregardless of any training in child rearing we may have received.  In other words, we act the same as our parents act.

Children behave according to their attitudes.  Attitudes are caught more than taught. It is so difficult to teach children to be patriotic and respect law when they hear their parents “bad mouth” our elected officials and the rules we must follow.  It is difficult to teach children to be responsible and self-sufficient if parents are always trying to get something free. Can we really expect teens to drive safely if their parents continue to break the speed limit or are heard hoping that they can spot a patrolman before the patrolman spots them? If parents criticize teachers, can we expect the children to respect them?

As an older mom, I am continually surprised by the habits our children have that they learned at home. Our daughter, a single mom, always planned a nutritious evening meal for her two children. When we visit the homes of our children, they don’t start eating until we first give thanks. Each of our children reads his/her Bible.  Each believes in prayer.

In spite of the fact that we each are given the right to choose as we want, it is indisputable that many acts, attitudes, and habits are the same as those of parents.  With this in mind, it would be wise for each of us to continually examine our own behavior.

Nature Holds Lessons for Children

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Nature Holds Lessons for Children

 

We find excellent object lessons for children all around us in nature. When children learn to observe the lessons in nature, they not only develop a love for science that helps them in school, they also learn the answers to some of life’s most perplexing questions.

Children are born with a natural curiosity that we should continue to cultivate. We can use this curiosity to teach important life lessons that will stay with them as long as they live.

I well remember an occasion with my dad when I was a child. He and I were walking down a dusty path in the field to get the cows for milking. My dad suddenly stopped, stooped down, picked a blade of grass and began looking at it intently. I watched as he drew me close to him and said, “Look there, Patsy, at this blade of grass. Look at all the little lines in it. Look at the little hairs on it.” As he continued to marvel at one blade of grass, he looked skyward at an airplane flying overhead. “You know,” he said, “man can make airplanes. Why, someday he may even be able to fly to the moon. One thing man will never be able to do is to make a blade of grass. Only God can do that!”

Each fall my husband and I marvel as we spy monarch butterflies fluttering past on their way south. How do they know to fly south? Even more remarkable is how they change from a funny caterpillar crawling along to a beautiful butterfly. The female butterfly lays an egg on a milkweed leaf, the egg hatches and the caterpillar eats its own shell and begins feeding on the leaves of the plant. Then it forms a chrysalis, stays inside a short time, and comes out a beautiful butterfly. Does this example not give us a hint of how God can give us life after death?

Children are curious about where they came from, why everyone dies, and what happens after death. When they first find out that all of us must die at some time, they become frightened. The story of the butterfly helps children understand how God has provided life after death for us. Although we can’t fully understand everything about the afterlife, the stories in nature guarantee that we serve a God who is capable of keeping His promise. After all, if God can change a worm to a beautiful butterfly, He can take care of us as well.

Another good lesson from nature can be gotten from a limb of a tree. Early in the spring, we can break a small limb from a tree and show the child how it seems so very lifeless. To look at, it seems dead. In a short time, another limb can be shown to the child showing buds coming out and getting ready to open. This too, is a miracle of God. Just as plants appear to be dead, yet come to life again, so we, too, will someday die but come to life again.

A walk in the woods, or even the front yard, can be an avenue for teaching very important lessons to children from nature. These lessons cost only a little time and effort. They are opportunities we don’t want to miss.

Can we Prepare our Children for Future America?

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Can we Prepare our Children for Future America?

It is a very short time until our children will be grown and voting citizens. Are we adequately preparing them for that time? America has changed a great deal in recent years and is changing every day.
Our children have much they will need to deal with very soon. They will need to learn to live in a very racially diversified nation. They will live in a nation even more in debt than at the moment. They will enjoy even more technology, but at the same time, that technology makes enemies nearer. The Pacific and Atlantic oceans will no longer be the great shields they have been in the past.
With children streaming across our border, we must face the fact that many will probably remain here whether or not we would wish it so. They will grow up and compete for jobs and affect the way our schools teach. They will practice their own religion, or no religion. They may bring diseases our country has never dealt with before. Border agents tell us that drug cartels are sending drugs across the border. This means the use of more drugs in society. In many areas of the country, the white race is already a minority. Children will need to accept other races of people, and hopefully do so without giving up Christian principles.
The debt of our nation is mind-boggling. We are becoming more and more vulnerable to those nations from whom we are borrowing money. Not only that, we can no longer afford to wage war as we have been able to do, nor do we have the money to help others as in the past. Social programs have been continuing as our nation borrows and prints more money. Some of those programs may have to stop. This means that our children must be educated in such a way as to get jobs to be self-supporting. Our children will possibly have to do without much that they now enjoy. They will need to learn the difference between needs and wants and how to use money wisely.
The power grids in certain parts of our country have already experienced cyber attacks. Technology is such even now that people overseas can hack into our computers and steal our personal information. Certain countries have sworn to wipe us off the face of the map with missiles or bombs that can reach us.
Not a pretty picture for our children!! What can we do to prepare them? The truth is that we cannot totally prepare them. What we can do is to give them a good Spiritual foundation by teaching the Scripture and the value of the Bible and prayer. We must give them a good basic education and help them become problem-solvers. We need to teach them to stand their ground in a loving way. They must learn to be thrifty, hard workers, and resourceful. They cannot do this and always be physically comfortable. They must learn to sacrifice self pleasure when the situation warrants doing so.
What a task we have as adults to prepare our children for future America! The future is upon us!

Take Advantage of Teachable Moments

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Take Advantage of Teachable Moments

 

We can teach children so very much if we are simply alert and take advantage of moments when a child is open to learning. A child can be so much further ahead than otherwise if we can train ourselves to watch for opportune times to teach. These moments usually take little or no additional effort or time on the part of the adults in charge of the children. Often, it is simply a matter of redirecting conversation. Opportunities for learning afford themselves at mealtime, while traveling, and various other times during the day.

At mealtime, placemats can be used that have maps, math information, ABC’s, or the solar system printed on them. These are available at Wal-Mart or variety stores. Children cannot fail to notice them and parents can talk about them while the child is eating. Another idea is to keep a little container of Bible verses on the table and say a verse before prayer at each meal. Shapes of foods can be pointed out especially in things like crackers that come in shapes of triangles, squares, ovals, circles, rectangles, or trapezoids. Alphabet soups offer an opportunity to teach the alphabet. The nutritional content of foods can be mentioned letting the child know that yellow foods have vitamin A that is good for the eyes, or that dairy products contain calcium that is good for the teeth and bones, etc.

While traveling, children can look for the letters of the alphabet on signs beside the road. Older children can play games such as “Ghost”. This is a spelling game where one person starts spelling a word and the next person adds a letter until someone ends a word. The object is to avoid ending a word. If the word is ended, that person gets a letter toward the spelling of ghost. When a person becomes a ghost, that person drops out of the game. The game continues until only one person is left. Another fun thing while traveling is to tell stories with each person adding one line to the story. Also, stopping to read signs marking national monuments is a real learning experience.

As children and adults go about throughout the day, simply singing songs instills a great deal of learning. Who doesn’t remember the teaching in some of the good songs they heard when they were a child? Our children today will also profit by the background music they can hear. When going up steps with a toddler, count the steps together. When children ask questions, give them a little extra information. At nighttime, tell bedtime stories with learning value. When reading to a child, point out pictures and talk about the pictures. Let the discussion lead into information about certain animals or whatever is being discussed.

If we can be alert to opportunities to teach our children, they will learn so very much. We will find many teachable moments if we will train ourselves to be alert for those opportunities. Time passes so quickly! Let’s not miss the opportunities to help prepare our children for the time they are no longer in the household.

 

 

Dealing with Negative Influences on Children

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Dealing with Negative Influences on Children

 

There was a time when educators thought that a child was born as a blank page and that child became the result of the influences of its surroundings and what was put on that blank page. Now educators concede that children are born with tendencies, but the influences of the surroundings of children cannot be denied. Parents are charged with the responsibility of guarding the influences of the environment on their children.

There are many influences that can affect our children negatively. Occasionally there is a debate as to whether video games or movies can truly influence young people to be violent. Not only do these have a negative effect, but the child’s friends, and the family environment can also either positively or negatively influence children.

Millions of dollars are spent on advertisement on TV and other places to sell products, yet the same people who spend this money will often try to persuade us that media has no effect on children. If it didn’t affect the thoughts and preferences of those who watch the ads, I’m sure the people would not spend the money. Children who participate in violent media often become hardened to violence and lose a sense of compassion. The repetition of bad manners displayed and the violent behavior becomes acceptable behavior to children. In addition, the time spent on these negative influences is taking time away from any positive influence. Young people should be involved in positive learning activities to prepare them for the future.

Friends greatly influence each other. Some children are born with a tendency to lead; others are born with a tendency to follow. Parents need to encourage their children to lead others in the right direction if they have the tendency to lead. Parents need to be especially careful about the associations of children who tend to be followers. Children need to understand that true friends will not try to get them to do things that are harmful. True friends want the best for their friends and will not try to persuade them to do things that would hurt them. Parents would do well to place their children in groups of children where there are good friends to be made. Some organizations and churches provide good places to make friends.

The home environment has the strongest influence on the attitude of young people. What they hear in daily conversation and what they observe in actions molds their opinions and values. When young people feel love and acceptance at home, they are less apt to resort to drastic measures to get it elsewhere. Even if they stray from what they have been taught for a time, they tend to return to the values instilled in their young minds.

It is difficult to select proper movies or programs for children that will be beneficial to them. Focus on the Family that was started by Dr. James Dobson publishes a magazine called “Plugged In” that has commentary and help for parents in making the right choices for their children. Information can be obtained by going on their website on the Internet and simply typing in “Plugged In”. This magazine reviews and comments on movies as they become available as well as TV programs and other things affecting our young people. An informed parent is a parent more likely to protect his/her children from harmful environmental influences.

Children can Learn to Organize

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Children can learn to Organize

 

The Christmas season is a good time to teach children a lesson about organizing. Even though they are more excited than usual at this time, they can still learn to take on some responsibilities to make Christmas a more pleasant time for themselves and others.

A good thing to keep in mind when parenting is to always have children take on the responsibilities for caring for themselves as they are able to do so. Adults often mistakenly think they are helping their children by doing everything for them. Children learn responsibility and become independent by caring for their own needs. School children have people to whom they want to give a gift at Christmas and can plan and organize their time and resources to take care of those gifts, to a great extent, themselves.

There is nothing better for organizing than lists. Children can make lists to examine their resources, remember the persons to whom they will give gifts, and dates for accomplishing tasks.

Most children have piggy banks and perhaps money from allowances. They can list the amount of money they have along with ways to earn more money. They may also have gifts they have received in the past that are unused that can be regifted to their friends. They can look through magazines such as “Family Fun” for ideas of gifts to make. Just thinking about resources brings an awareness to a child of the need to save their money for needed times.

Next, children should make lists of those persons to whom they want to give a gift. This list should include their teacher, Sunday School teacher, mom and dad, sisters and brothers. (Some schools request that gifts not be given to teachers, so this should be checked out before planning a gift.) After these “essential” gifts are taken care of, they can choose friends or other special people to whom they would like to give a gift.

If a gift is to be given to a teacher or church worker, dates should be written down as to programs, the last day of school before vacation, or the last event at church before Christmas. It is easy to let these times slip up and not be ready. If the family has a calendar on the refrigerator, as many families do, these dates could be posted there.

When the lists are done, the children can begin to purchase or make gifts and feel secure knowing they have all under control. Children will enjoy Christmas much more if they feel that they have been useful in planning and giving. This small lesson in organization will carry over into other areas of life and help the child to be more confident in years to come. Mom and dad will feel less pressure in knowing that the child is taking responsibility for some of the tasks to be done. When a child takes part in the planning and execution of the plans, that child builds self-esteem and learns the true meaning of giving at Christmas time.

Teens Expect Much from Parents

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Teens Expect Much from Parents

 

“Leave me alone!” “You don’t trust me!” “I can do it without you!” “Just don’t bother me!” “Will you take me shopping?”

These are some of the confusing outcries of teens. On the one hand, they want to be independent. On the other hand, they want to be taken care of. How is a parent to know what to do??

Transitioning from total independence as a child to complete independence as an adult is not easy for a teen. Needless to say, this transition time is not easy for a teen parent either. Parents must know when to step in and when to step out of the teen’s world. Parents need to know how to be supportive of the teen and still keep the teen safe from harm. Most of all, parents need to know how to nurture the teen’s independence and respect that teen’s desire for independence.

Being a good teen parent begins with the understanding of what the teen is going through. Recognizing the physical, emotional, and social changes taking place makes patience and understanding easier. Rapid physical growth brings about a bigger appetite and sometimes a need for extra sleep. Emotional changes cause the teen to question the meaning of life and to become upset more easily. Social changes cause the teen to easily be embarrassed and confused as to proper behavior. The teen must figure out all of these things. In doing so, the teen needs the parent at times to interject facts or questions to guide thinking. The emotional side of the teen causes the teen to reject an adult’s advice when it becomes too much to handle. When this happens, the parent needs to step back and let the teen calm down.

It is important for a parent to be observant and quickly recognize positive decisions made by the teen. In doing so, the parent becomes supportive of the proper behavior, and the teen will gravitate toward the behavior that is gaining the positive support. When a teen does something right and gets no recognition, that teen is not as likely to repeat the positive action. Teens hunger for positive recognition and will do almost anything to gain it. That is why peer pressure plays such an important role in a teen’s behavior. It follows, then, that if the teen is getting plenty of positive reinforcement at home, school, or church, peer pressure will not have as great an influence as otherwise. Every time a parent is able to positively and honestly compliment the teen, it is like investing in insurance for the time the parent must reject a teen’s decision for that teen’s own safety and well-being. If the teen has received a lot of positive support, that teen is not as likely to be upset when a “no” comes from parents.

Teens need to be given opportunities for “instant success”. Small tasks where a teen easily succeeds build confidence. This is a way of nurturing independence. The teen builds on success. On the other hand, if a teen is put in a position where failure is almost inevitable, a lack of self-confidence is the result and frustration, and possibly even anger, is sure to follow. Simply said, we need to accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative. Of course, it isn’t always possible to do so, but the more we can reinforce the positive, the better the results will be.

Many parents seem to think that as the child becomes a teen, parents are needed less. Perhaps just the opposite is true. Parents must be flexible and change some of the ways of dealing with their child, but very close scrutiny is still required. It takes a great deal of wisdom to raise a teen. Where do we get that wisdom? The Bible tells us that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. Raising a teen is much easier with a great deal of prayer!

Teens Need Help Making Decisions

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Teens Need Help Making Decisions

 

There is a great deal of research now occurring concerning the brain and how it works. Recent research indicates that the part of the brain that influences decision-making and problem-solving is not fully developed during the teen years. The frontal lobes which help control risk-taking and thrill-seeking are not fully developed until around age 20. This causes teenagers to feel invincible and not fully consider the consequences of their choices. If teens know about this research, they might possibly be more open to the acceptance of the advice of parents, teachers, and others who are older.

Below are six primary steps to decision-making for teens. If parents are aware of these steps, they can pass them along to their daughters and sons and better help them with decision-making.

The six steps recommended for decision-making by teens are:

  • List the choices.
  • Think about the pros and cons of each choice.
  • Assess the likelihood of the consequences actually happening.
  • Compare the consequences and their importance.
  • Decide and act.
  • Evaluate the consequences, both expected and unexpected.

 

Parents need to help teens see options when they list choices. It is difficult for teens to see more than one or two options. At this point, they may feel more influence from the opinions of friends. Parents may need to point out that the friends may not have thought of all of the options available.

If parents are patient, teens often welcome their advice. When parents become involved, it is evidence to the young person that the parent cares. There are times when the parent must make the final decision no matter how much conversation has occurred. However, the process of involving the teen has long-lasting benefits. Although the teen may not seem cooperative, the process itself becomes imbedded in the mind of that person to help in the next decision. This process should be repeated over and over to ensure that the teen understands the steps to decision-making. When young people are involved in the decision, they are more likely to follow it.

The teen years are a transitioning time between the total dependence on parents as a child and independence from parents as an adult. The safety of the teen is foremost, but as much as possible with this in mind, teens need to be allowed to make decisions with the understanding that the parent has the last word.

It’s a Matter of Choice

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It’s a Matter of Choice

 

There are many parents of older children who are carrying a load of guilt as they go about their daily activities. These are the parents of children who did not turn out in adulthood as the parents had visualized during their upbringing. These parents are feeling that they were bad parents who did a poor job of raising their children.

The truth is that when God created us, he created us with the ability to make our own choices. God does not choose for us and neither can we choose for our children. Just as God tries to teach us and persuade us, so we in turn try to teach and persuade our children. Ultimately, we are each judged individually based on the choices we have made.

Why, then, do we have the verse in the Bible upon which this column is based? Why does the Bible say, “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it”. (Proverbs 22:6)? It is because God wants us to do all we can to train a child in a way that the child will want to live a righteous life. However, a child is not truly trained until he/she automatically acts according to the principles being taught. Telling is not teaching. A child must determine for self the principles upon which his/her life will be based. We may think we have trained the child, but in reality the child may not be truly trained. If the child is truly trained, that child will not depart from those truths learned. However, ultimately it is the choice of the child as to whether he/she can be trained.

When a child is small, it is easy to force a child to behave correctly as we perceive correct behavior. That does not mean that the child is convinced that the behavior being required is best. Children often obey out of fear, not really believing what they are being told. For instance, we can require a child to say, “I’m sorry”, but that child may not be sorry at all. What else would a 3 ft. child do when being confronted by a 6 ft. adult? The child may or may not learn later the reason for being sorry. Even though the child obeyed, there may have been no sincerity involved.

There is no such thing as a perfect parent. We do what we can with the tools we have at the time. However, God holds us responsible for doing our best with those tools and for continuing to learn about childrearing to obtain more tools. We, as parents, are judged according to our intent and actions as parents. Children are judged according to the choices they make. As we think back through history, we can see those who came from what we would think of as really bad homes, yet they turned out to be real contributors to society. It is just as true that children can be raised in good homes and not turn out as expected.

What is the answer, then, to the task of parents? It is to love our children with a self-sacrificial love, and do the best we possibly can. We try to make sure they have a spiritual foundation as well as a good foundation in mental, physical, and social growth. We need to continue to pray for them as long as we live. We need to remember, however, that even God’s children do not always turn out the way He wants. He wants the children He has entrusted to our care to be His obedient children and loves them even more than we do. We are not in this task alone. We pray that they will make the right choices.

 

Dealing with Resentment

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Train up a Child…

 

Dealing with Resentment

 

Resentment has caused problems since the time Cain killed Abel as recorded in the Bible. Another Biblical story of Joseph and the coat of many colors is an example of resentment. Resentment and jealousy often go together. Understanding the causes of resentment, recognizing the actions resulting from resentment, and knowing how to prevent this negative feeling are important to know in rearing children.

Children often feel resentment when they feel they are not treated with respect. When actions are demanded of them without explanation, there is often an inner feeling, whether recognizable by the children or not, that they are not being respected. This is true with spouses and adults as well. Many times a demanding parent or spouse has the attitude of, “I’m right and you’d better do as I say whether you want to or not.” The child or spouse may obey out of fear of consequences, but bottled up inside is a feeling of resentment.

Children may resent siblings because they feel the parents favor a brother or sister over them. It is sad to see grown sisters and brothers who have never gotten over this resentment and cannot seem to get along with each other even in adulthood. For some reason, they resent the sibling rather than blame the parent who favored the other child. In some cases the sibling may have done nothing to cause the favoritism, yet that child gets resented.

When a child works hard to win an award and the award

is given to someone else, resentment and jealousy result along with a feeling of unfairness and distrust.

When there is resentment, it often stays bottled up inside a child and the child may act out in ways that are unacceptable. There is often an inner feeling of, “I’ll get even”. Parents who wonder why children fuss so much would do well to examine their own behavior with the children to make sure they are not showing favoritism. Parents are doing no favors to a child they “pet”. This really makes it hard for the favored child, as the other children will tend to pick on the child they feel is favored.

It is important for parents to make a special effort to prepare children for the arrival of a new baby in the family. So much attention is required for a new baby that the other children often resent being left out.

The best way to deal with resentment is to prevent it in the first place. Parents need to make a special effort to give attention to all children and not just “grease the wheel that squeaks the loudest”. Some parents make a point of doing something special with a child each week, taking turns with the children. By doing so, each child gets his/her “place in the sun”. Whenever possible, children and spouses need to be able to express their opinions in a nice way and not be required to blindly obey.

Often we “win the battle but lose the war” as we deal with children and spouses. It is better to have good long-range results than immediate obedience that gives us temporary results with resentment.