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Many Teens Consider Suicide

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Train up a child…
Many Teens Consider Suicide

Teens have a great deal to cope with in a short period of time. It is not surprising that many become confused and give up hope. Research shows that there are contributing factors to teen depression that may lead to suicide. They are:
a new family formation (e.g. step-parents and step-siblings)
moving to a different community
physical or sexual abuse and emotional neglect
exposure to domestic violence
alcoholism in the home
substance abuse
divorce of parents

We should always take talk about suicide seriously. In addition to talk of suicide, there are other signs to watch for. However, since the teen years are so turbulent, these signs might appear anyway and not just when a teen is thinking of suicide. It is helpful to know them, however. Here are a few:
difficulty concentrating on schoolwork
neglect of personal appearance
obvious changes in personality
sadness and hopelessness (use of phrases such as, “What’s the use?” )
changes in eating patterns such as sudden weight gain or loss
changes in sleep patterns
general lethargy or lack of energy
violent actions
drug and alcohol use
symptoms that are often related to emotional state such as headaches, fatigue, stomach aches
loss of ability to tolerate praise or rewards
withdrawal from family or peers
loss of interest in previously pleasurable activities
Teens need to know that God has a purpose for their lives. If they believe in heaven and hell in afterlife, they will not think that suicide ends everything. A teen has a hard time understanding that time often takes care of problems and that their problems will pass. Sometimes, they mistakenly think that they will get even with someone by making them feel badly that they took their own life, not realizing that they won’t be around to experience the feelings they caused.
We need to be patient and understanding with our teens. Their problems are very real to them. What we may think is a little thing may be a very big thing in their perspective.

Teens are Risk-Takers

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Teens are Risk-Takers

It is nice that we now have new research of the human brain available. It helps us to better understand why people act as they do. One example of modern research is the finding that the part of the brain dealing with risk-taking is not developed until a person is generally in the twenties. We all know that teens are still growing physically by just looking at them, but knowing this fact,that can’t be seen by just looking at them, helps us realize that teens must be watched very carefully for their own safety. When we think that our teen is fully trustworthy to be cautious, we are fooling ourselves. If they have truly learned to obey rules without questioning, they may be more trustworthy than some, but another feature of teens is that they often start questioning what they have been told in the past.
When teens are left alone to devise activities, they often come up with some really unsafe things. One example of this is called “going under”. This is a “game” that some teens have played where they put a scarf or other object around the neck and squeeze it to cut off air until the child passes out. Unfortunately, some teens do not come back.
Another “game” that was described to me while teaching GED classes was called “phishing”. In this “game”, individuals bring all kinds of pills that they can find at home in medicine cabinets or other places. They get together and put a big bowl in the center of the table and dump all the pills into the bowl and mix them up. Then they “fish” for the kind they want to take. I was told that on one occasion a girl chose all the pink pills. She decided to lie down on the couch. Everyone thought she was asleep, but when they went to wake her up to go home, she didn’t wake up.
Risk-taking carries over into driving. Perhaps that is one reason there are so many car accidents among teenage drivers. Most teenagers think, “It won’t happen to me”. Many teens have not learned to anticipate what other drivers will do. Lack of life experience leaves them lacking in understanding of behavior of others. When this is combined with risk-taking, it makes for a dangerous situation.
Risk-taking may also be a factor in teens trying alcohol, drugs, or smoking. It is during the teen years that many bad habits are formed.
Knowing that teens are risk-takers, what is the best defense for their safety? There are two things that are helpful. First of all, teach children at a young age about the dangers of the world and the importance of obeying rules to avoid those dangers whether they completely understand reasons or not. Secondly, keep teens so busy doing positive things that they don’t have time to get involved in harmful activities.
We should never think that teens are old enough to make all of their own decisions. In some ways, we don’t give teens enough positive responsibility, but in other ways we may expect way too much from them. Love never fails if it is tough love based on the description in I Cor. 13 in the Bible. We need to pray for the wisdom of Solomon to know what to do and when to do it when working with teens!

Turning Twelve is a Big Deal

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Turning Twelve is a Big Deal

A child’s twelfth birthday is a gigantic step. It is the gateway to adulthood, a time of awakening, and a fulfillment of the dream of “growing up”. Many cultures recognize this birthday for the importance associated with it. Some American Indian tribes have rituals for the children. Jewish folks celebrate Bat Mitzvah for girls. (Bar Mitzvah for boys is celebrated at age thirteen) This signifies the time that children become responsible for observing the Commandments. Age twelve is the time many places start charging adult fares. Some societies even allow marriage at this age.
Young children are often told to eat their food so they can grow up like mommy or daddy. When they actually do, don’t we sometimes wish they could stay young and innocent? At the twelfth birthday, we realize that our little ones are not babies anymore! They are facing a world—-sometimes a cruel world and sometimes a wonderful world—that is very uncertain.
What goes through the mind of a twelve-year-old? There is joy because now they are beginning to feel grown-up. There is fear of the unknown. There is some confusion and much uncertainty.
It is important to give a great deal of attention to the birthday of a twelve-year-old. Parents and others in contact with the boy/girl can use this time as a great opportunity to instill attitudes and truths. It would be great if churches had special programs for this age. Even schools could take advantage of this opportunity to have programs recognizing the fact that children are becoming adults.
When our oldest grandson was twelve, he was staying with us for the summer. We were attending a little country church with few members. We had a special program for him one Sunday evening in the church. He sat up in front of the congregation and each person in the congregation talked to him about growing up. Some read poems. Some quoted favorite Scriptures that would be helpful to him in his future. Some simply gave advice. It was a special time.
We often go to great extremes to give a one-year-old a great birthday party when he/she doesn’t even know what is going on. Shouldn’t we do even more for a twelve-year-old who is facing a big world of uncertainty and needing the assurance of the love of those adults in his/her surroundings?

Celebrate Your Teen

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Celebrate Your Teen

Aren’t babies cute? They are so sweet and snuggly. We plan a beautiful nursery for them and make sure they have all they need for comfort. When one year is up, they get a birthday party. The same thing happens at the end of the second year. We make over them and dream about what they will become as they grow up. Much of what we do for them they do not understand and cannot appreciate. That first year birthday cake usually ends up smeared all over the baby’s face!
One day those babies become teens. Do we make over them? Do we brag about them? Do we do all we can to make sure they are comfortable and have all their needs met? Or, do we slow down on what we do for them and perhaps even turn our backs on them just hoping they will get through this time?
Why is it that when our children are babies, we spend lots of time and attention on them and yet, when they are teens when they need it the most, we do not spend so much effort on them? Am I wrong? Does our society, as a whole, pay attention to teens as we should?
Many teens are hurting. They need us, yet many people would like to leave the care of teens to someone else. “Let the school worry about them!” “Let the youth director at church keep them busy and teach them!”
We need to seize every opportunity to give teens recognition for the good things each may do. Some teens do wonderful things, although there may be times when they really “goof up”. If we are quick to notice the good and give praise, we are helping to build a bridge to take them through the “not so good” times. We definitely should not give praise unless it is deserved, but let’s not miss an opportunity to give it when it really is deserved.
Spend time with your teen. Do things with teens. Go for a coke or hamburger with just the two of you. There is something about riding in a car that stimulates a teen to open up and talk. Respect the fact that the problems your teen has are as big or bigger than yours in their eyes. Understand that teens do have real problems. Never belittle them or their problems. Show the same respect for your teen as for any other adult. Even though it is tempting to laugh at some of the problems you hear from your teen, don’t do it. Keep in mind that teens have not finished growing up and may not yet know how to explain things so we can understand. They do not always say what they mean nor mean what they say. They tend to take risks because their brains are not fully developed in the area that controls cautiousness, but also, because they do not yet know all the facts about situations. Be patient with them.
Teens don’t need added pressure. They have enough. They need someone to walk through this difficult time of transition from childhood to adulthood. Be happy for the gift from God of this teenage son or daughter and celebrate the good parts of their lives with them.

Understanding Teens

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Understanding Teens

Someone once said that raising teens is like nailing jello to the wall. It certainly is true that raising teens is difficult, but if we can understand some of the things that are happening to teens, raising them can be a little easier. There are many things to keep in mind when trying to figure out why teens do what they do. Here are a few of them:

Physical changes in teens greatly affect their behavior. Their change in size causes awkwardness. Just when they get used to the arms and legs being one size, suddenly they are longer and they bump into things. Hormone changes cause new feelings that they have never dealt with before. Acne is common among teens just as they start becoming concerned about how they look. The brain is not fully developed and teens tend to take risks that older people know better than to do.
Teens are expected to make decisions that they have not yet received factual information needed for making those decisions. They haven’t lived long enough to learn what we adults often expect them to know.
Teens have to deal with things that their parents did not have to deal with; therefore, parents often don’t know how to help them in those situations.
Many teens have been raised with no moral compass. They do not have a Spiritual foundation to give them something to fall back on when things get rough. Many of today’s teens have never been to a church.
Teens are frightened about what the future holds. They haven’t decided what to do with their lives and they hear about the condition of the world. Without a Spiritual foundation, they are confused about the purpose of living and where they fit in to the world. Teens often feel inadequate to cope with daily problems. Many teens feel hopeless and think, “What’s the use?” They see no light at the end of the tunnel and many teens contemplate suicide.
Many teens have only one parent and that parent usually works outside the home leaving the teens alone with depressing thoughts and no one to turn to for help.

There are other characteristics as well that space will not allow to be listed. From what is listed, we can easily see the trouble our teens are in and how difficult it is for them to come through this time of testing. One of the best things we can do to help our teens is to spend time with them—not to lecture, but to let them know that we understand at least part of what they are going through.

Being Organized Builds Confidence

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Being Organized Builds Confidence

Probably every teacher and parent has witnessed a child at some time or another being frustrated because something could not be found. From “My dog ate my homework” to “Someone took it”, one excuse after another has been heard. Some children, believe it or not, are born as natural organizers. They are the ones who become engineers, auditors, or some similar profession. Most children, however, are not born as good organizers and must be taught how to handle things in such a way as to be in control of situations.
What can parents do to help children be better organized? They can be sure that a place is provided for a child’s belongings. They can help children let go of things no longer useful, and they can require children to put things in their proper places.
A child should, ideally, have a private room. Realistically, we know that this is not always possible. In either case, a child can be given his/her own space even if a room must be shared. Those of us who grew up in the years of the Great Depression remember covering orange crates with homemade curtains to provide shelves for books or other items. We used boxes under beds for personal things. (We even used baling wire across the corner of a room to hang our clothes since we had no closet!) Sometimes we could find old furniture to refinish for desks or dressers. It may take resourcefulness, but there are ways to provide places to put our belongings. Now, there are all shapes and sizes of plastic shelves, boxes, etc. for almost any purpose. Parents and children can determine together what is needed and figure out ways to provide for that need.
It helps to go through belongings periodically to get rid of items no longer being used. Broken things should be repaired or disposed of by giving or throwing away. Many of us are guilty of hanging on to things thinking that “some day” we will need something. Chances are that “some day” may never come. We need to be realistic about the things we keep around.
Once we have gotten rid of unneeded things and a place has been made for needed items, children should be required to put their things in the proper places. It is easy to get in a hurry and leave things lying around, but a child can get in a habit of putting things away if there is consistency in requiring the child to do so. A habit of neatness will be formed that hopefully carries through to organizing smaller things like notebooks, textbooks, desks, etc.
It is sad to see the look of hopelessness on a child’s face in a classroom when a paper can’t be found and the teacher and class are waiting for it to be produced. The child feels terrible! A child who is organized and can produce an item on demand feels proud and confident and unafraid of coping.

Gift-giving Develops Empathy

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Gift-giving Develops Empathy

Christmas presents an opportunity to develop an important trait in children. As gifts are selected and presented, if children are involved in the process, they can develop the ability to feel and think as others feel and think.
Empathy, in a nutshell, is to be able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. It is very close to sympathy, but sympathy is usually thought of as feeling sad with someone. Empathy is the ability to feel many emotions with others, not just sadness.
Why is it important for children to develop empathy, and how does gift-giving help in the process?
Being able to share feelings with others affects actions. Quite often we hear of horrible atrocities of cruelty committed by individuals and we wonder how it could possibly happen. Could it be that the people committing the atrocities have never developed an ability to feel as their victim feels? I think so. They seem detached from the acts they are doing. A child who learns to feel with others is not as likely to do things to hurt others because they understand the feelings they are causing.
A child who can identify with the thoughts and feelings of others will have better relationships throughout life. They will be able to choose actions to please friends and, as adults, their spouses. They will have a better understanding of authority of teachers, parents, police, and bosses. They will develop the ability to figure out why people act as they do, and that leads to better understanding of others.
How does gift-giving help develop empathy? When parents work with children in selecting gifts, they can say such things as, “Do you think your sister would like this?” Discussion can follow as to why the person would or would not like a particular gift. Every question a parent asks stimulates thinking about the gift recipient. All of this leads to a better understanding of the other person. The giver begins to imagine self in the position of the person receiving the gift. A visual image emerges of the person for whom the gift is being selected and an analysis of that person follows. Soon, the giver is experiencing some of the same feelings mentally as they think the person receiving the gift is feeling. This is empathy!
On Christmas morning, the process is repeated when the gift is opened. The giver of the gift is watching the recipient to see a reaction. Are they pleased? Are they happy? What are they feeling? All of this leads to an even better understanding of the person and a greater empathy has been developed. As both feel happy about the gift, true empathy has been established.
Alert adults will watch for opportunities to help children develop empathy to ensure that they grow up with good relationships and actions that promote well-being of others.

Are We Sugarcoating Wrongdoing?

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Are We Sugar-Coating Wrongdoing?

Our children need a clear understanding of what is right and what is wrong. In our present society, we hear lies called “misspeaking”, “spoke out of turn”, or “bad choice of words” instead of being called a lie. When people damage the property of others they are excused because they don’t trust authority. There are innumerable examples showing that people are not clearly seeing the wrong of what they are doing. As one person said in his commentary about what has been termed a race problem in our country, “It is not a skin problem, it is a sin problem”. I agree.
It would seem that our society has turned away from many of the basic rules required for good relationships with others. I can remember my dad singing a song, as he worked around the farm, called, “You can’t do Wrong and get by”. I can still remember some of the words that have helped guide my actions through the years.
“There’s a God who’s standing at heaven’s door.
He’s looking this universe o’er.
And he sees each mortal with an all-seeing eye.
You can’t do wrong and get by.
You can’t do wrong and get by.
No matter how hard you may try.”

Of course, God is a God of love, but He is also a God of judgement. He created the world in such a way that there are always good consequences for good behavior, and bad consequences for bad behavior. Somehow, wrongdoing of children has been shrouded in the idea that God is a God of love and everything is acceptable to Him. It isn’t! He has given us clear instructions that cannot be changed simply because we do not want them to be true.
We will prevent much heartache for our children if we can get them to understand early in life that wrong is truly wrong and there are consequences to be faced when we act in a wrong way.
To laugh off as simple “mistakes” and let wrongdoing slide by is absolutely doing our children a disservice. We need to help define right and wrong in a loving and caring way.

Fun, Fun, Fun

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Fun, Fun, Fun

What is the primary goal of raising children? Is it not to prepare them to face life’s challenges? Life is not always fun. If we are to prepare our children adequately, we need to prepare them with this fact in mind. Fun should be a product of activity, not a goal.
It often seems in today’s society that we constantly hear, “It’ll be fun!” Teachers often use this phrase as much as parents to entice children to do certain things. It would be wise to rethink this strategy.
Of course, children need to have fun, but not at all times. We need to be honest with them to let them know that there are times for hard work and serious thinking. What happens when children are constantly told that they will have fun? How can children be motivated to action without using the thought of fun as an enticement?
When a teacher or parent entices children by telling them that something will be fun, it sets them up to think that they are free to do many things that will create fun. Often this results in discipline problems. Children have been told that they will have fun, so they set about to make sure it happens. Surprisingly, then adults begin to fret and become upset because the children won’t settle down and do serious work. Why should they? They have been told that they will have fun! Serious work is not fun!
Further, when they are told over and over that something will be fun, they tend to think that everything should be fun. They will start to reject anything that they don’t consider entertaining. In the minds of the children, thoughts of having fun become the priority for existence. Without realizing it, adults have instilled a belief that having fun is very, very, important.
It is basically dishonest to tell children that everything is going to be fun. Yet, what are we to tell children to motivate them to action? Children are capable of understanding much more than most adults realize. They actually want to be a part of something important. Self-esteem means self-worth. Constant self pleasure does not create self-worth. On the other hand, if children are honestly told that something might be hard work, but we believe they are up to the task, it becomes a challenge. Children become a part of something larger than self. A real sense of worth comes with accomplishment. It is much better to tell a child, “Some of what we need to do may not be fun, but we need to do it.” It is always good to explain the worth of tasks. Explaining the “whys” of requirements helps children to participate.
Fun is pleasurable, but other emotions are valuable as well. Very little compares to the feeling of a job well done. If children experience giving another person pleasure, an inner feeling is instilled that lasts longer than momentary fun. The teamwork used in accomplishing a task produces relationships that may last a long time, and often fun is a by-product of the process. Spontaneous fun is a better memory than conjured up fun, and making fun a constant goal is not wise.

Pat Lamb
patlee@centurytel.net
www.patlambchristianauthor.com
blog: raisingkidsonline.com

“Love never fails” I Corinthians 13:8

We practice what we believe; all the rest is just talk.

A Child’s Fear is Real

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A Child’s Fear is Real

It is easy for adults to forget that children may be afraid of many things. Usually each of us is afraid of what we do not understand. Since children have not yet learned many things, they have many things to fear.
There are some legitimate fears, but there are many fears parents can help children overcome.
Since most fears derive from a lack of understanding, one of the best things we can do is help a child understand why or how something is happening. Sometimes just being with a child or planning can help the child overcome a fear. We should make an effort to protect children from unnecessary fears.
Many children are afraid of thunder and lightning. A scientific explanation of what causes them can help. This is a legitimate fear. According to one site on the Internet, lightning is an electrical charge that is about 54,000 degrees F. It heats the air around it and the air expands rapidly. This causes an explosion of air resulting in the sound of thunder. Detailed information can be found on the Internet as well as a map showing where lightning is striking in the U.S. at the time of viewing. Explaining this, and being with a child during a thunderstorm can help a child feel more secure. Planning what to do for safety as a family during a storm will help a child feel more comfortable as well.
If a child is afraid of the dark, adults can walk into a dark room with a child to give comfort and security. Lifting bed covers to prove there is no monster under the bed helps. Night lights are good to have in a child’s room.
Some children are afraid of insects and worms. I remember an occasion when my husband sat with our small daughter on one knee with one arm wrapped around her while holding an earthworm in the other hand to show her it would not hurt her. Sometimes we need to provide proof through illustrations.
It is unfortunate that some adults like to purposely scare children. This is not good. Some children carry scars for a lifetime from being frightened. Adults should find a better way to amuse themselves! At Halloween, extremely scary costumes should be avoided. There are many fun costumes children can wear without having to deal with the scary ones.
It is good if adults can be alert and understanding to know when a child is frightened and do what they can to help a child through the frightening time. What may seem trivial to us may be a big thing to a child. We can’t protect children from all fears, but there are enough fears that come naturally that we certainly don’t have to add to them. Learning to cope with fears is a part of life. When we help our children to do so, we are helping them be more successful as they continue to grow.