Tag Archives: communicating with teens

It’s Not Just Child’s Play!

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Train up a child…

It’s Not Just Child’s Play!

 

It is a wonderful thing when parents will play with their children. There is great value in time spent simply having fun with them. This time is an opportunity for bonding, teaching, and creating memories.

Right after Christmas there is an opportunity to explore the new toys and games together. When dad or mom get on the level of the child and explore the new possibilities of enjoyment, the child learns to appreciate the fact that the parent has interest in his/her world. A special relationship between the child and parent is created. This new relationship results in a better understanding of each another.

In the event that a toy breaks, as many are apt to do, as the parent helps repair that toy, the child learns about how things work. Parents have an opportunity to teach new words and understandings to the child.

Even if there are no new games or toys, parents and children can create their own games. Our grown children still laugh about playing “sandwich” or “slobber ear” with their dad, and I laugh when I see them play the same games with their children. These are rough and tumble games on the floor (or grass in the summer) where all involved laugh and giggle as they try to get away from each other to avoid having an ear chewed or to become the bottom bread of a sandwich. They laugh as “the meat” wriggles out to try to become the top bread and the bottom bread tries even harder to escape being the bottom bread. It is important, however, for the parent to know when enough is enough in these games. It is cruel to tickle children too much. Also, weight of individuals needs to be considered so no person is hurt.

Many board games offer opportunities for learning as well as having fun. Long winter evenings are well spent in playing games such as Monopoly, Balderdash, Sequence, or others with older children. In Monopoly, children learn much about money. They learn to count the money as well as a great deal about how business works. Balderdash is a great game for teaching writing, persuasion, and vocabulary. Our family has laughed until we cried at some of the silly definitions written for some of the words in Balderdash. Board games designed for younger children teach a child to take turns and that they cannot always win. They can learn to lose graciously.

Laughter is a good medicine. King Solomon tells us in Proverbs 17:22, “A merry heart doeth good like a medicine”. Playing and laughing with our children relieves our stress as well as theirs. We sometimes forget that children, too, have stress as they seek to please their parents and teachers.

Time spent playing with children is a wonderful investment that yields dividends for eternity. Children grow up so fast! Let’s take advantage of the opportunities we have to spend time with them while we can.

 

It’s a Matter of Choice

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Train up a child…

 

It’s a Matter of Choice

 

There are many parents of older children who are carrying a load of guilt as they go about their daily activities. These are the parents of children who did not turn out in adulthood as the parents had visualized while bringing them up. These parents are feeling that they were bad parents who did a poor job of raising their children.

The truth is that when God created us, he created us with the ability to make our own choices. God does not choose for us and neither can we choose for our children. Just as God tries to teach us and persuade us, so we in turn try to teach and persuade our children. Ultimately, we are each judged individually based on the choices we have made.

Why, then, do we have the verse in the Bible upon which this column is based? Why does the Bible say, “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it”. (Proverbs 22:6)? It is because God wants us to do all we can to train a child in a way that the child will want to live a righteous life. However, a child is not truly trained until that child automatically acts according to the principles being taught. Telling is not teaching. A child must determine for self the principles upon which his/her life will be based. We may think we have trained the child, but in reality the child may not be truly trained. If the child is truly trained, that child will not depart from those truths learned. However, ultimately it is the choice of the child as to whether he/she can be trained.

When a child is small, it is easy to force a child to behave correctly as we perceive correct behavior. That does not mean that the child is convinced that the behavior being required is best. Children often obey out of fear, not really believing what they are being told. For instance, we can require a child to say, “I’m sorry”, but that child may not be sorry at all. What else would a 3 ft. child do when being confronted by a 6 ft. adult? The child may or may not learn later the reason he/she should have been sorry. Even though the child obeyed, there may have been no sincerity involved.

There is no such thing as a perfect parent. We do what we can with the tools we have at the time. However, God holds us responsible for doing our best with those tools and for continuing to learn about childrearing to obtain more tools. We, as parents, are judged according to our intent and actions as parents. Children are judged according to the choices they make. As we think back through history, we can see those who came from what we would think of as really bad homes, yet they turned out to be real contributors to society. It is just as true that children can be raised in good homes and not turn out as expected.

What is the answer, then, to the task of parents? It is to love our children with a self-sacrificial love, and do the best we possibly can. We try to make sure they have a spiritual foundation as well as a good foundation in mental, physical, and social growth. We need to continue to pray for them as long as we live. We need to remember, however, that even God’s children do not always turn out the way He wants. He wants the children He has entrusted to our care to be His obedient children and loves them even more than we do. We are not in this task alone. We pray that they will make the right choices.

 

Hints for Talking with your Teen

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Train up a child…

Hints for Talking with your Teen

One of the problems in talking with teens is that we tend to talk “to” them rather than “with” them. Listening is part of a conversation with teens. We need to be good listeners, but we are being unrealistic to think that teens are always listening. Quite often they tune us out and are thinking about something entirely different from the topic we are addressing. Following are some hints for communicating with teens. None are guaranteed to work all the time, but they will work some of the time. Love of our teens gives us understanding and patience. Conversations are vital to knowing how teens are thinking and feeling. Consider these hints:

Always show respect for ideas and opinions even if they are a mile away from yours. To respect doesn’t mean that you have to agree. Be honest in telling that you do not agree, but don’t try to teach everything you know in a few minutes. Growth and understanding take time.
Ask questions that cannot be answered with yes or no. This type of question requires more talking; therefore, you get more information.
Ask the same question three times in different ways. The first time we are asked something, we usually give a casual answer. (e.g. What do you say when someone asks how you are? If they ask again, don’t you usually go into more detail.)
If possible, talk to a teen in private. When teens are in a group, they will answer to please their peers and you may not get the truth.
Try to never embarrass a teen in front of their peers.
Don’t preach. Telling is not teaching. A teen must make up his/her own mind or the learning won’t stick. Feel free to say how you feel and tell why you think as you do, or ask questions as to the reasoning of the person to have them explain their opinions. Often they will see the folly or illogic of what they are saying for themselves.
Be fair and sincere. Although teens are often unfair themselves, many are quick to recognize unfairness or lack of sincerity in others. Parents and teen workers quickly lose credibility if they are not consistent and fair.
Don’t expect more than the teen can produce. They are still growing. They are not adults and will not always act like adults. You can’t force a flower to bloom. Teach as much as they are able to handle.
Remember that Bible principles relate to teens as well as adults and they must not be given exceptions. They will reap any wild oats that they sow. They need to be told this in conversations.
Pray a lot while talking that you will say and do the right things!

Although raising teens is tough, it is worth all the effort in the end. They need much time and attention. They are a gift from God and a real trial at times to us! They often have a way of breaking down any pride we may have. That can be a good thing!