Tag Archives: Children and Chores

Every Child Needs Hope

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Train up a child…

 

Every Child Needs Hope

 

It is very sad to witness a child who has lost hope. A child with no hope is a child who has given up on life. Disastrous behavior such as suicide, violence, experimentation with forms of escapism, or other unwanted acts occur. To prevent these things, we need to understand the causes of the feeling of hopelessness in a child. Understanding the causes can help us prevent or remedy the results of hopelessness.

What makes a child give up hope? When more is expected of a child than that child can produce, a child gives up hope. When a child never seems to measure up to expectations of parents, teachers, or society, the child eventually gets to the point of thinking “What’s the use?” Promoting a child in school year after year, when the child is not mastering the skill level of each grade puts a child in an impossible situation where he/she is unable to accomplish the work assigned. This often causes a child to drop out of school and seek success elsewhere. When a child does not feel well physically, tasks often seem insurmountable. Rejection by others is another reason a child may lose hope. This is especially true with teenagers whose fragile egos are bruised very easily.

We can help prevent hopelessness by using caution in the methods of discipline we use. A child should never be disciplined in such a way as to strip that child of a sense of value. Verbal abuse is often more harmful to children than a hard spanking. Discipline should be geared to inspiring a child to do better rather than condemning a child for making a mistake. Yelling at a child or telling the child that he/she is bad, takes away the child’s value as a person. Good discipline distinguishes between the act of the child being bad and the child, itself, being bad. If a child is told he/she is bad, that child comes to believe it, and the child simply gives up hope of ever being good.

We can help a child have hope by making sure that success is experienced. Even if it is a small success, the child gains hope through the accomplishment. When we put a child in too difficult a situation, we are setting the child up for failure. Each child must grow at his/her own rate. We cannot force a child to do more than he/she is able to do.

When a child knows he/she is loved even when mistakes are made, rejection by others is not so difficult to endure. Children need to know that they are loved unconditionally by parents and by God.

Ultimately, the only hope for any of us is in God, Himself. Things of this world are all temporary. The Bible is our best instruction book for raising children. In I Corinthians, chapter 13, we are told that we need faith, hope, and love. We find all three of these in Christ. Parents, grandparents, and other family members should model the unconditional love of God. In doing so, the child is helped to have hope and can experience love.

How to Talk so Kids can Learn

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Train up a child…

 

How to Talk so Kids Can Learn

 

People do not like to be yelled at! Children are people, too. Children do not like to be yelled at!

The way we talk to children greatly affects their learning. Our tone and volume of voice is very important as we relate to the little ones. We need to take the time, whenever possible, to explain and reason with children.

I have observed over the years that many parents constantly bark orders to children, often so rapidly that the children do not have time to mentally process one order before being given another. When this happens, children become resentful, confused, embarrassed, and often give up trying to obey. They may pout or act out in frustration. They hurt inside because they feel that the one yelling at them does not love them. It becomes even more confusing when, after barking orders to the children, a few minutes later that same parent may say, “I love you”. This scenario gives an untrue example of love. Love is patient. On the other hand, if we slow down, take time to let the child process instructions, and explain where needed, the child calms down, is more likely to obey, and senses love as shown through patience. Sometimes a parent will get better results to simply go to the child, put an arm around that child, and whisper instructions slowly.

Children can often understand more than we give them credit for if we take the time to give the explanations in words they understand. We forget that they do not have the same vocabulary that we have. They increase their vocabulary as we explain why we expect them to do certain things. When they have the understanding, they are more apt to act appropriately on their own when parents are not around. Many believe that if they just get their children in the habit of doing certain things that they will grow up and maintain those habits. Habits only go so far. Understanding of reasons for acting appropriately will extend the correct behavior. There comes a time in a child’s life when that child begins to question what parents have told them. If they have the basic understanding of the “whys”, they are more apt to stick with what they have been taught.

The use of questions instead of statements is so very important in helping children reason out the “whys” of behavior. Telling is not teaching! When we ask questions, a child is forced to think. Following are some examples of common questions that can be asked in various situations:

  • How would your friend feel if you told him/her that?
  • What would happen if you did that?
  • What were you thinking when you did that?
  • What do you think your friend was thinking when he/she did that?
  • Why do you want to do that?
  • How would the people around you feel if they heard you say that?

These are just general questions to help a child think through his/her actions before making a decision. They also help to develop empathy and teach decision-making.

Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish wrote a book titled, How to Talk so Kids Can Learn. I highly recommend it. It is available on Amazon.com and may also be available in your local library. Although I do not agree with everything in the book, it certainly helps us rethink how we are talking to our children.

Me, Them, or Us

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Train up a child…

Me, Them, or Us

In parenting, as in so many other areas of life, much more can be accomplished when we work together as a team. It is easy to fall into a habit of pitting one group against another. Where children are concerned, we naturally assume that because they are younger, we are much wiser and knowledgeable. However, every individual is unique and needs to be treated with respect. Children have ideas that are worth considering. Each age group has advantages and limitations. There are common goals that can be set for all ages.

It is difficult to see things from a child’s point of view. If we can win the confidence of the child, the child can share with us thoughts and feelings. We can then understand that child. This becomes the basis of the actions we choose as we attempt to be a good parent. We gain that confidence by listening to the child’s ideas with respect. It is surprising how children can come up with ideas that really work. They can do this because they can better understand how children feel and think since they feel and think the same way.

There are many things children can do that adults cannot do. With their boundless energy, they can run errands for adults who are tired and don’t have that much energy. They can get in small places where adults cannot. Have you noticed that each age group has limitations and certain abilities? Toddlers wish they could do what older brothers and sisters can do. Children wish they could do what teens do. Teens wish they could drive and have more freedom. Young marrieds wish they could get more sleep when they have crying babies! Middle age couples adjust to an empty nest. Older people have aches and pains and loss of energy. When all ages work together, we can help supply the needs of others.

Nothing unites a family or group more than common goals. When each group member understands the goals, they can begin to realize the needs for reaching those goals. When the needs are understood, they can each begin to determine what they can contribute to meeting those needs.Short term goals work best with children, but long term goals are necessary, also. Using the ideas of each family member to set goals helps in motivating each to want to be a part of reaching the goals.

As parents, we need to remember that setting an example is the best teaching method. We set a good example by showing respect to children and doing our part to reach worthy goals that have been set incorporating the ideas of each person involved. Much more can be accomplished and everyone is happier when we work together.

What Can a Dad Do?

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Train up a child…

 

What Can A Dad Do?

 

Dad is so very important! He sets the tone of the family and should be the head of the house. He is the leader. It is his responsibility to see that the family is cared for physically, mentally, socially and spiritually. It is a daunting task. It is understandable that many times a husband and father may feel overwhelmed and confused by the expectations placed upon him.

There are some definite things a dad may do and, having done those things, have a sense of confidence that he has made a good effort. I would like to suggest a few things for dads to consider.

  • Tell your wife and children each day that you love them. Don’t assume that they know it. They need to be told.
  • Spend time with your wife and children. No amount of money or things can substitute for time spent bonding with the family.
  • Admit it when you make a mistake. Be patient and understanding when other family members make mistakes.
  • Learn to turn off or record your TV program when the family needs you. There is no program on TV as important as your family.
  • Lend a hand with chores around the house such as helping to clear the table, picking up things, putting things away, and keeping things neat and clean. It is not fair that others should have to clean up after you and you are setting an example for the children.
  • When you are away from home, phone often to check on the welfare of the family.
  • Have reasonable expectations. Do not expect children to be just like you. They may have inherited other traits, likes, and dislikes.
  • Play with your children.
  • Have at least a weekly time together with Bible reading and discussion. A daily time is even better.
  • Allow children to make suggestions and consider them. Give explanations as to reasoning in decision making when possible.
  • Learn to fix small things around the house and have your children help you so that they may learn how to do those things.
  • Use good manners to set a good example. Say, “Excuse me”, “thank you”, “please”, and “I’m sorry” when appropriate.
  • Give hugs often.
  • Praise the wife and children at every opportunity.

 

Dad should be earth’s picture of our heavenly Father. Children who grow up with loving fathers seldom crave love out of the home. Mom is to be a helper to Dad as he directs the home. When we each play our appropriate roles, life is much more pleasant and everything seems to go more smoothly.

Happy Father’s Day to our important dads!

Remembering Mama

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Train up a child…

 

Remembering Mama

 

Whether it is mom, mama, mommy, ma, or mother, we all have our memories of that special person. In my case, sometimes it was mom, and sometimes it was mama.

Each summer when I listen to the weather report, I hear that record heat temperatures in the Ozarks were set in the summer of 1936. That was the summer my mom was carrying me. I was born in October of that year. There was no air conditioning in the little farmhouse outside Verona, MO. Mom cooked on a wood stove. There was no electricity until I was in upper elementary school.

About ten years before I was born, my dad’s mom had passed away, leaving four younger brothers of my dad to be raised without a mother. The job fell to my mom. She took them into our home. She and my dad raised them along with my four sisters and me.

I can barely remember a gasoline powered washing machine with a wringer on top. Mom built a fire outside to heat water in a washtub. She carried the water to the screened-in back porch and poured it in the washing machine to do the weekly laundry each Monday. She had two clotheslines strung between two trees. When they were full, the clothes were spread over the barbed wire fence that separated the yard from the pasture. She cooked starch to use. When the clothes dried, they were stiff. She sprinkled them with water and wrapped them up in a sheet. Then she put her two old flatirons on the wood stove to heat them up to do the ironing. When the one she was using cooled off, she would put it on the stove and pick up the other one to use until it cooled off while the first one got hot. She never let her girls go out in public without starched and ironed dresses that she had made of feed sacks.

This was during the Great Depression so there was the added worry of what to feed the family. Mom told me once that she could remember going to the chicken house, sitting on a tomato crate, putting her head in her hands and crying because she didn’t know what she was going to feed everyone. She remarked that she could still remember, after several years had passed, hearing one of my dad’s brothers saying, “More beans, please.” Beans, fried potatoes, and cornbread were served often. On Sundays, mom would wring the head off a chicken and we would have fried chicken. Thankfully, we never had to line up for soup behind the soup truck that came to town like many others did. I can barely remember standing beside my dad and seeing the line of folks holding their bowls, cups, and spoons, waiting for soup to be ladled into their containers.

Mom helped my dad plant a garden and milk cows. I can remember seeing her hands so chapped that they were cracked and bleeding. I don’t ever remember seeing her have hand lotion.   Things got easier for mom when my dad’s brothers married and moved out of our home. Gradually the country came out of the depression and daddy built a house in town and opened a grocery store. He kept the farm and leased it out. Mom and another lady opened a restaurant in the back of the store and mom cooked there every day except Sunday.

Mom had only a scant sixth grade education but she knew to “stand by her man”. When my sisters and I married, she told us each the same thing: “When you have problems —and everybody does—don’t come home. Work them out.” Not one of us ever thought of divorce as an option. She had set a wonderful example for us and taught us to be faithful to our husbands.

I realize that many people have memories similar to mine and that my stories are not unique. I believe it is important to remember how things have been in the past and pass that information along to children of today so they will understand and appreciate the contributions that have been made. This Mother’s Day, let’s take a moment to say thanks to, or for, those moms who worked so very hard.

 

 

Fostering an Attitude of Gratitude

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Train up a child…

 

Fostering an Attitude of Gratitude

 

It is not easy to get children to experience a genuine attitude of gratitude. Many children do not know what it means to do without things they need or want. Even though some children in poverty do not have as much as others, they often pick up an attitude of entitlement from parents or others. Unfortunately, that attitude of entitlement seems to permeate our current society. Rather than be thankful for what they have, people often become angry that someone else doesn’t see to it that they have more.

We need to start with children to help them be truly thankful for what they have. Will telling them to be thankful cause them to be thankful? Probably not. As with most of the things we teach children, experience is the best teacher. I can still hear my mom saying, “We never miss the water ‘til the well runs dry.” How true! In light of this truth, we may need to institute what may seem to be some drastic measures to help children appreciate what they have. However, these activities can be games that the family plays and be fun experiences that will be remembered for years. Here are some suggestions for one or more activities as needed:

  • Choose a day when there are no important trips that have to be made. Pretend that the family vehicles will not start, so that there is no way to travel by automobile. Everyone must either stay home or walk. No one is allowed to car pool.
  • It will not hurt the family to go a day without food unless there are

medical situations requiring they not do so. Some families have

been known to schedule a day of fasting each week and give the

money that would have been spent on food to charity.

  • Take away all means of communication with the outside. No cell phones may be used and other phones can be hidden.
  • Turn off the electricity for a day or so. (Some have already experienced this during ice storms.)
  • If you have a fireplace, on a cold day turn off the furnace. Use only the fireplace for heat.
  • Make arrangements for teens to go on mission trips to a foreign country with a church group. Teens who do this are never the same again.

None of these activities will really hurt the children and will help them to truly appreciate the things they had to do without. Of course, health situations may prevent the use of some of the ideas, but perhaps others can be substituted. Perhaps none of them or just one of them is needed to help children learn to appreciate. Parents can be very creative in getting the point across that we need to be thankful for what we have.

Children Benefit from Chores

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Train up a child…

 

Children Benefit from Chores

 

Many parents and grandparents search for ways to “keep kids busy” during the summer. Often the insinuation is that children must constantly be entertained and kept happy and having fun. Often overlooked is the value of having children do chores for at least a few hours each day. If a study were done of adults who did chores when young as opposed to adults who did not do chores when young, I feel confident that the more successful adults are those who had regular chores for which they were responsible as a child.

Often adults think it is much easier to do something themselves than to take the time to help a child learn to do it. This probably is true in the short term, but once a child has learned to do a chore correctly, that child can be a great deal of help. However, the real benefits are for the child rather than for the adult. The list is endless. Here are a few benefits:

  • There is no way for a child to develop self-esteem or self-worth without actually being of worth or value. When a child does a task well, that child can honestly feel good about having done something of value.
  • Children learn proper procedures for caring for belongings.
  • Children learn about the effort that goes into making or growing something. This leads to greater appreciation of the effort others make on their behalf for the things they enjoy.
  • Children get exercise when doing physical tasks. A lack of exercise can lead to depression. Physical exercise creates endorphins that fight depression.
  • Vocabulary is increased as children learn the names of tools and cleaning agents and words used in giving instructions.
  • Children learn that nothing in life is truly free. We each must work to obtain and care for wants and necessities.
  • Self-discipline is learned in tasks that may not be the most pleasant and yet must be completed. This self-discipline leads to perseverance.
  • Chores keep a child busy doing positive things when the time might otherwise be used doing things that may be harmful.
  • When a child learns the proper care of his/her belongings, that child will have more respect for the belongings of others.
  • Chores connected to gardening or the out-of-doors help children learn the names of plants and some principles they will later study in science classes dealing with botany.
  • Chores related to the care of animals help children learn compassion and understanding that carries over in their relationships with people.
  • Children learn to listen and follow instructions—a necessity for job success as an adult.

 

The list could go on and on. The benefits listed here are enough to justify adults taking the time to teach children how to do chores and to require that they be done. During the school year, children are so busy with school and homework that it is difficult to have children do very many chores. Summer is the best time for parents to concentrate on teaching those things that children need to know to care for their own home in the future. The parent who does not take advantage of this time is missing a real opportunity to shape a child.

Small Steps can lead to Big Gains

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Train up a child…

 

Small Steps Can Lead to Big Gains

 
“The longest journey starts with the first step”. How true. This philosophy can be applied to helping children set goals. It is important to set short-term goals as a beginning to the achievement of long-term goals. Parents often have the tendency to set ultimatums that overwhelm children; then, children tend to give up before they get started feeling that the task is impossible to achieve.

Nothing succeeds like success. Success breeds success; failure breeds failure. When a child feels successful, that child will want to continue actions that achieved that success. When a child experiences failure, that child will not want to continue. If we help a child set goals that are easily achievable, the child will want to set another achievable goal.

How does this work in real life? Suppose you want a small child to clean his/her bedroom. Instead of telling the child to clean the room, break the chore down in steps. Perhaps start with telling the child to make the bed. After that is accomplished, tell the child to pick up the things on the floor. Next, the child could do the dusting of one piece of furniture at a time. Finally, the floor needs to be vacuumed or swept. Add other tasks as needed until the room is nice and clean. When the child then receives praise for a clean room, he/she feels a sense of pride and accomplishment and will be more apt to do it next time. In addition, the child has been taught what is involved in cleaning a room.

Another example might involve a child learning the multiplication tables. Instead of simply telling the child to learn the tables, help the child set a goal of learning the 8’s by a certain time. Next, the child might learn the 9’s, etc. This continues until all the tables are learned.

If a child is struggling with homework, instead of simply telling the child to do the homework, a parent might say, “After this page is done, take a little break and get a glass of water or cookie.” Plan with the child by looking at how much is left to be done and dividing it up so that the child feels accomplishment along the way. After each part is done, the child might be allowed to do something to have a little break.

Still another example might be used in saving money. Discuss with the child how much money can be saved by a certain time. Make sure a special container is available for the money even if it is simply a clean jelly jar. After the first goal has been reached, reset the goal for a certain date to have saved a greater amount. It is helpful if a child has an object in mind to purchase or another plan for the money. That would be the long-range goal. The short-range goals along the way are very helpful in motivating the child to continue saving.

Almost any task can be broken down in parts to encourage and motivate children. It is good to have long-range goals as well, but the short- range goals are the stepping stones along the way.