by Pat Lamb (www.patlambchristianauthor.com)

Author of: Let the Children Come; Children, Come to Me; When the Stars Fall Down; Widening the Church Doors to Teach the Narrow Way; My Thinking Book (Available on my website, Amazon, or Barnes & Noble)

Train up a child….

Children Need Rules to Live By

         Children who have no rules to live by are insecure and restless.  They are not successful in life and always seem to be seeking satisfaction and never finding it.  They are not happy children and do not make happy adults.  There is no certainty in their actions and they wonder if they are being accepted in society or not– and most often they are not! Parents, teachers, grandparents, and others are doing children no favors by letting them get by without obeying rules.  

         Rules must be appropriate and fair.  There are rules that are non-negotiable, rules that are negotiable, and rules that are self-imposed.  

         Non-negotiable rules need to be instilled in children early, so they can be taught at a very young age that certain ways of behaving are not open for debate.  Parents must determine these rules.  In our house one of those rules was that children were never to hit a parent as many babies are inclined to do when they don’t get their way. A parent can hold a child’s hand and firmly say, “Do not do that!” Of course, a baby will continue to try to have its way, but repeated and consistent rebukes will eventually stop the baby from trying. 

In addition to not hitting or sassing parents, our children grew up knowing that the family attended church regularly, and that was just something we did.  Other non-negotiable rules should include: not stealing, always telling the truth, taking care of things, using proper manners at the table, and being polite to other people. Each set of parents will have its own set of rules. Parents can simply tell children, “There are certain things we do and certain things we do not do at our house.”  It is necessary to follow up with consistency and not allow misbehavior to go unnoticed, even once, according to the rules that are set.

         After the “absolutely must” rules are in place, other rules need to be made for the day-by-day activities. It is much easier for children to obey this type of rule when they have had a part in crafting it. Ideally, adults and children express problems and discuss ways to correct the problems.  The rules are written down and placed in a prominent place for reference. If the rules deal with chores, a chart can be made for children to check off the chores as they are completed.  

         Many parents feel that they don’t have time to discuss rules with the children.  Actually, a family meeting saves a great deal of time. It becomes unnecessary for the parents to keep reminding the children if the rules are written down and the chart has been checked.  Whenever the parent glances at the chart, he/she can simply say, “Johnny, I see that you haven’t done your chore.  When do you plan to do it?”  

         Patterns set in the home for rules are carried over in the personality of the child, and that child becomes a person who imposes rules on self.  Children, who are accustomed to rules, understand that rules are important and they make their own rules for getting homework done or managing their relationships.  Our granddaughter once told me, “You know, Nana, I always do the hard stuff first to get it out of the way and then I don’t mind doing the easy stuff.”  This was a self-imposed rule that worked for her. As children do each task, they do what is called “self talk”.  This “self talk” often includes self-made rules that they follow.  

         Knowing to follow the rules eliminates uncertainty. They don’t have to wonder if they have done the right thing.  They know that they have done the right thing, and the fact that they have acted correctly helps in building self-esteem. There is an inner peace and assurance of rightness. Not only does the child feel good about him/herself, that child will probably receive many compliments from others, and that adds to self-esteem. When parents are fair and rules are fair, children learn to live by the rules in society.  I have never seen a child who seemed really happy who didn’t know how to follow rules.