Tag Archives: teen problems

Design Discipline to the Situation

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Train up a child…

 

Design Discipline to the Situation

 

It seems that many people think that spanking is a cure for every problem observed in a child.  On the other hand, there are those who think that children should never be spanked.  In my opinion, there are times when a spanking may be required; however, there are many other methods of discipline that should also be considered.

My observations lead me to believe that many parents who are quick to spank do so for some invalid reasons. Some will say, “That’s the way I was raised and it worked with me!”  Others may spank simply because they feel they must do something and don’t know (or try to find out) anything else to do.  Some may spank because it is quick and easy and they can convince themselves they have been a good parent because they corrected their child.

Children may not be like their parents and may not require the same discipline.  They certainly live in a different environment with different temptations.  In many cases, spanking a child simply does not work.  As soon as the spanking is over, the child may forget and repeat the action.  Unless a child decides in his/her own mind about right or wrong, that child will probably repeat the action.  Discipline should lead to self-discipline.  Telling is not teaching.  We need to convince children of right and wrong by helping them understand the reasoning behind the rule.

If we don’t spank, what can we do?  Teachers have been creative in discipline since spanking has been prohibited in most schools.  One principal said that he carried his cell phone with him in a classroom and when he saw a child do something especially nice, he said, “You really did a good job! What is your dad’s cell phone number? I would like to call him and tell him what a good job you did!”  He makes the calls on the spot so the class can hear what he says.  He tells the dad what the child did.  The child feels great, the dad feels great, and the whole class is thinking, “Maybe if I do a good job, someone will call my parents!”  The whole class works harder and not only do they realize how easy it is to get a compliment, but in the back of their minds they realize how easy it would be for the teacher or principal to call the parents if they misbehave!

Something that would have a much more lasting effect than a spanking of an older student would be to require a parent to attend class with a son or daughter for a time if the student is unruly.  The embarrassment would hurt far more than any spanking. Parents would probably have to come only a few times!  Other students are sure to watch their steps so it doesn’t happen to them.  Parents would really scold the child so they didn’t have to lose a day’s work again!

If we care enough for children, we will try to understand their behavior and tailor our discipline to their needs to change their thinking.  We need to use any leverage we have such as taking away cell phones, car keys, restricting from activities, etc.  We certainly should not think that one method of discipline fits every circumstance.

A Teen’s First Job

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Train up a child…

 

A Teen’s First Job

 

When age fourteen is reached, teens start thinking about working outside the home.  Some children start working out of the home at age ten or twelve doing lawn care or short-term similar jobs.  In my opinion, children should be kept in productive activities as early as possible depending on capabilities and safety.  At least by age fourteen children should start earning and budgeting money. Many places cannot hire someone until they are sixteen, so working at age fourteen and fifteen may require some creative thinking in figuring out ways to earn money.

A first job outside the home sets a pattern that may last a lifetime in the work habits a teen learns and that teen’s ability to take orders from supervisors. Teens also learn responsibility and the fact that many times they must work whether they feel like it or not.

Parents need to have a talk with their teens before that first job and make sure they understand the following:

  • A worker should arrive within a 15 minute time frame of the time they start work and should leave after time to get off work.
  • Workers must obey supervisors without question.
  • The worker is not the boss. The boss is the boss!
  • When instructions are not understood, ask for clarification instead of guessing and possibly doing something wrong.
  • Be loyal to the company or person for whom the work is being done.
  • Be pleasant. Do not complain.
  • Many people could have been chosen for the job and others can replace you.
  • Do not make promises you can’t or won’t keep.
  • When you make a mistake, apologize and move on. Don’t dwell on it.  Everyone makes mistakes.  If you are making a lot of mistakes, perhaps you should look for a job more suited to your abilities.
  • Make out a budget. Since there is no rent expense, a larger amount can be saved.  Ten percent should be given to charity.  Car expense should be included in a budget. Food expense should be figured closely as most teens tend to waste a lot of money on drinks and fast food.  Soft drinks have no nutritional value. Drinking water instead of soft drinks can save a lot of money.
  • If driving to work, proper care of the car is necessary.This includes oil changes as well as gas.
  • Sometimes workers lose jobs for reasons other than performance.Many businesses hire employees temporarily to avoid paying benefits.

 

Teens have a great amount of energy and vitality to offer to a job.  They can do much that older people can’t do and are a valuable resource if in the right position.  My husband and I have always told our children, “If you make money for your company, you will have a job.  If you lose money for your company, you will lose your job.”  Businesses exist for the purpose of making money.  They don’t exist for individuals.  That is the reality of life.  Unfortunately, often politics enter into whether a person has a job as well.  Sometimes friends get chosen for positions even if another deserves it.  Teens must learn that life is not fair, but they, themselves, need to be fair whether or not others are fair to them.  Much of this can be learned on a teen’s first job.

Closing the Generation Gap

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Train up a child…

 

Closing the Generation Gap

 

How often do we use the generation gap as an excuse to write off our inability to communicate with teens? Does the generation gap really exist? Do we really make the effort we should to close that gap in order to meet the needs of our teens?

There truly is a difference from one generation to another when it comes to the culture of our society. However, there is no change from generation to generation when it comes to emotional needs of individuals. There is no doubt that the world of today’s teen seems foreign to those of us who grew up without cell phones, texting, play stations, facebook, twitter, and the like; nevertheless, the emotional needs of people many generations ago were the same as the emotional needs of our teens today. Everyone wants to feel loved no matter the generation. Everyone wants to feel self-worth. Everyone wants to feel acceptance. Everyone wants friends and family for support. I believe everyone has an inner desire to worship and serve something.

The wise grandparent, parent, teacher, or any other person who works with a teen would do well to concentrate on the emotional needs of teens because it is there that we will always be able to identify. To concentrate on the differences instead of the likenesses is a waste of time that could be well spent in bonding with a young person. Who, of any age, does not appreciate an understanding person who can quickly recognize hurts and offer consolation? Who does not appreciate an encouraging word from another person whether old or young?

We don’t have to understand all of the technology being used by the younger generation. If we should decide to learn about some of the things so commonly used, we can ask a teen to teach us. By doing so, we have actually contributed to that teen’s self-worth. It feels good to be able to teach an older person something! On a visit to CA some time back, my granddaughter taught me to text while we were riding to her house from the airport. I even sent a text to her boyfriend and he sent one back! It was fun. She was definitely enjoying teaching Nana about her gadget. As we admit that we don’t know everything and submit to the younger generation to teach us, we are creating an environment where the younger people will listen to us more readily when we want to teach them something from our experience.

Each generation has its special set of “tools” with which to confront life. Upon close examination, we find that those tools are simply for the purpose of fulfilling the emotional needs that never change. Cultures and temptations may change, but the inner heartfelt needs of individuals do not.

To recognize and accept this fact is a big step in the right direction to closing that generation gap.

 

 

Teens Expect Much from Parents

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Teens Expect Much from Parents

 

“Leave me alone!” “You don’t trust me!” “I can do it without you!” “Just don’t bother me!” “Will you take me shopping?”

These are some of the confusing outcries of teens. On the one hand, they want to be independent. On the other hand, they want to be taken care of. How is a parent to know what to do??

Transitioning from total independence as a child to complete independence as an adult is not easy for a teen. Needless to say, this transition time is not easy for a teen parent either. Parents must know when to step in and when to step out of the teen’s world. Parents need to know how to be supportive of the teen and still keep the teen safe from harm. Most of all, parents need to know how to nurture the teen’s independence and respect that teen’s desire for independence.

Being a good teen parent begins with the understanding of what the teen is going through. Recognizing the physical, emotional, and social changes taking place makes patience and understanding easier. Rapid physical growth brings about a bigger appetite and sometimes a need for extra sleep. Emotional changes cause the teen to question the meaning of life and to become upset more easily. Social changes cause the teen to easily be embarrassed and confused as to proper behavior. The teen must figure out all of these things. In doing so, the teen needs the parent at times to interject facts or questions to guide thinking. The emotional side of the teen causes the teen to reject an adult’s advice when it becomes too much to handle. When this happens, the parent needs to step back and let the teen calm down.

It is important for a parent to be observant and quickly recognize positive decisions made by the teen. In doing so, the parent becomes supportive of the proper behavior, and the teen will gravitate toward the behavior that is gaining the positive support. When a teen does something right and gets no recognition, that teen is not as likely to repeat the positive action. Teens hunger for positive recognition and will do almost anything to gain it. That is why peer pressure plays such an important role in a teen’s behavior. It follows, then, that if the teen is getting plenty of positive reinforcement at home, school, or church, peer pressure will not have as great an influence as otherwise. Every time a parent is able to positively and honestly compliment the teen, it is like investing in insurance for the time the parent must reject a teen’s decision for that teen’s own safety and well-being. If the teen has received a lot of positive support, that teen is not as likely to be upset when a “no” comes from parents.

Teens need to be given opportunities for “instant success”. Small tasks where a teen easily succeeds build confidence. This is a way of nurturing independence. The teen builds on success. On the other hand, if a teen is put in a position where failure is almost inevitable, a lack of self-confidence is the result and frustration, and possibly even anger, is sure to follow. Simply said, we need to accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative. Of course, it isn’t always possible to do so, but the more we can reinforce the positive, the better the results will be.

Many parents seem to think that as the child becomes a teen, parents are needed less. Perhaps just the opposite is true. Parents must be flexible and change some of the ways of dealing with their child, but very close scrutiny is still required. It takes a great deal of wisdom to raise a teen. Where do we get that wisdom? The Bible tells us that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. Raising a teen is much easier with a great deal of prayer!

How to Talk to a Teen

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Train up a child…

 

How to Talk to a Teen

 

Many parents complain about trying to communicate with their teen son or daughter. “They just clam up and won’t talk”, they often say. There are a few things to consider when trying to “get inside” a teen. Three of those many things are timing, location, and choice of words.

Too many times we want to talk to a teen when it is convenient for us rather than thinking about whether it is convenient to the teen. Teens have many adjustments to make in growing up resulting in many things on their minds and many differing moods. One minute they may be on top of the world and the next minute down in the dumps. It is helpful to determine the mood of the teen at the moment and choose a time when that person is more receptive to conversation. It is not wise to try to talk to a teen if that teen is watching a favorite show on TV, in the middle of a conversation with a friend, or otherwise occupied with something he/she considers very important. It is best to watch for an opportunity when the child is not focused on something else. It seems that to a teen, everything is big and important, even though it may not seem that way to us. To interrupt in the middle of something very important to the teen simply causes the teen to become frustrated and usually unable to concentrate fully on what we might want to discuss.

If a time can be arranged for just the two of you to be alone, that is best. Teens are very self-conscious. They are always worried about what those around them may think of them. The teen cannot be expected to reveal true feelings when friends are around. They will tend to be worried about what their friends may be thinking and will choose answers to impress the friends. It is best to have only the parent or parents present with the teen when serious matters are to be discussed. The teen will usually feel freer to talk with one parent rather than two, but the parent should be alert to any effort on the part of the child to pit one parent against another. Parents need to support each other.

I have found in my past experience that one of the very best places to talk with a teen is in a car. If the teen has a driver’s license, ask to be driven to a drive-in for a coke. For some reason, it seems that teens will open up and tell you almost anything while sitting behind the steering wheel with just the two of you present. I’m not sure why that works, but it seems to always work for me. Another possibility is to take the son or daughter to lunch or shopping where just the two of you are present. The teen feels special for getting the undivided attention and is more apt to talk with you when no one else is present.

Choice of words is so very important. There are key words that upset a teen. Words that deal with how a teen looks can be very cutting. “You” is a word that makes the discussion personal and often carries the connotation of blame. Most of the time, it is better to generalize when discussing behavior rather than personalize. Never butt in when the child is talking. Wait until the child pauses for you to say something. Don’t condemn. Lecturing the child or condemning the child will most certainly keep that child from talking to you in the future. Try to be understanding and ask questions that will cause the person to think and figure out for him/herself the best way to handle a situation. Telling is not teaching. We should always try to get the son or daughter to decide for self the proper way to act or react. Try not to be shocked no matter what you are told. Stay calm and let the teen get everything “off the chest”. Even if you know the child is wrong, remember that you will not convince him/her that it is wrong simply by saying that it is. They must know the reasoning behind the words. The value of asking questions cannot be overestimated. Questions that cannot be answered with a simple “yes” or “no” will stimulate more conversation and thinking.

Teen years are difficult years. It is so much better to get values taught before the teen years arrive, but it is impossible to achieve this goal completely. Our love for our teens requires that we be patient, gentle, and understanding. Emphasis should be placed on the feelings of the teen rather than our own discomfort or feelings. Choosing the right time and location to talk to teens helps to allay discomfort for both. Words can hurt and therefore must be chosen carefully.

It’s a Matter of Choice

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Train up a child…

 

It’s a Matter of Choice

 

There are many parents of older children who are carrying a load of guilt as they go about their daily activities. These are the parents of children who did not turn out in adulthood as the parents had visualized during their upbringing. These parents are feeling that they were bad parents who did a poor job of raising their children.

The truth is that when God created us, he created us with the ability to make our own choices. God does not choose for us and neither can we choose for our children. Just as God tries to teach us and persuade us, so we in turn try to teach and persuade our children. Ultimately, we are each judged individually based on the choices we have made.

Why, then, do we have the verse in the Bible upon which this column is based? Why does the Bible say, “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it”. (Proverbs 22:6)? It is because God wants us to do all we can to train a child in a way that the child will want to live a righteous life. However, a child is not truly trained until he/she automatically acts according to the principles being taught. Telling is not teaching. A child must determine for self the principles upon which his/her life will be based. We may think we have trained the child, but in reality the child may not be truly trained. If the child is truly trained, that child will not depart from those truths learned. However, ultimately it is the choice of the child as to whether he/she can be trained.

When a child is small, it is easy to force a child to behave correctly as we perceive correct behavior. That does not mean that the child is convinced that the behavior being required is best. Children often obey out of fear, not really believing what they are being told. For instance, we can require a child to say, “I’m sorry”, but that child may not be sorry at all. What else would a 3 ft. child do when being confronted by a 6 ft. adult? The child may or may not learn later the reason for being sorry. Even though the child obeyed, there may have been no sincerity involved.

There is no such thing as a perfect parent. We do what we can with the tools we have at the time. However, God holds us responsible for doing our best with those tools and for continuing to learn about childrearing to obtain more tools. We, as parents, are judged according to our intent and actions as parents. Children are judged according to the choices they make. As we think back through history, we can see those who came from what we would think of as really bad homes, yet they turned out to be real contributors to society. It is just as true that children can be raised in good homes and not turn out as expected.

What is the answer, then, to the task of parents? It is to love our children with a self-sacrificial love, and do the best we possibly can. We try to make sure they have a spiritual foundation as well as a good foundation in mental, physical, and social growth. We need to continue to pray for them as long as we live. We need to remember, however, that even God’s children do not always turn out the way He wants. He wants the children He has entrusted to our care to be His obedient children and loves them even more than we do. We are not in this task alone. We pray that they will make the right choices.

 

Step Up or Stand Back?

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Train up a child…

 

Stand Back or Step Up?

 

When raising children, there are times to stand back and let the children experience consequences of behavior, and then there are times when a parent or guardian must step up and take control of the child or situation. Some parents tend to always stand back and pretty much let their children raise themselves. Other parents may go to the other extreme and try to take control of practically every move the child makes and also control the circumstances of the child. It takes a great deal of wisdom to know when to stand back and when to step up.

My dad had a favorite comment he often made to my four sisters and me. He would say, “If you won’t listen, you will have to learn the hard way!” My dad was always willing to step up and give advice and do his best to tell us the right way to handle a situation. However, we did not always heed his advice. Sometimes he would step back and watch as we learned through experiencing the natural consequences of our actions. He did not hesitate to tell us, “I told you so”!

Many dads are not stepping up to teach children right from wrong. This may be because they, themselves, are not sure of what is right. It may also be because they are afraid that they will be criticized for making the wrong decision. Wives may be too critical and make him feel badly when the husband tries and falls short of her expectations. If we are honest, we have to admit that it seems that some dads (and moms) simply care more about other things than they do about raising their children to be productive citizens.

Parents need to take the initiative in providing a good home environment, good education, good experiences, good nutrition, good spiritual training, and good families of friends with whom to associate. They need to try to always be one step ahead of the children and provide instruction to children for the situations they are about to encounter. However, after parents have done all they can to instruct and encourage children to make the right choices; they are not responsible for how that child chooses. When children are young, they can be punished for choosing wrongly. Older children who get in trouble and go to jail, in my opinion, should, in most cases, stay there and face the consequences of their behavior.

Dads and moms have separate roles. Moms are to be more gentle and sympathetic. Dads need to be the firm one. He has the final word. Moms, especially, tend to want to jump in and rescue children from consequences. When parents continually rescue children from consequences, they become enablers and this causes the children to think that no matter what they do, they will be rescued. Parents who continually step in and rescue children are actually hurting them. It is usually best to say something like, “You knew what the consequence was for that decision. I’m sorry you chose the way you did.” This lets the child know that the parents are not to be blamed for the situation, but rather the child is the cause. It also lets the child know that the parent does not want the child to suffer but feels that it is necessary for the future welfare of that child. This attitude goes along with the old saying, “This hurts me worse than it hurts you”. Some parents have said this in the past indicating that they, too, are suffering because they want the best for their children and really do not want them to be hurt.

It takes a lot of prayer to raise children. Knowledge of the Bible is the biggest help in knowing what is right and wrong. Without the instruction of the Bible, everyone invents his/her own set of values and society becomes chaotic. Try as hard as we may, we will still make mistakes. Some have said, “We do the best we can with the tools we have at the time.” This is true. It would behoove us, then, to continually study and get better and better tools!

 

Children Need to Respect Mom

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Train up a child…

 

Children Need to Respect Mom

 

For many mothers, Mother’s Day is the favorite holiday of the year. It is so nice to be honored and hear the expressions of love and appreciation. However, in many cases, mothers are not given the respect or honor they should receive not only on Mother’s Day but also during the remainder of the year.

In order for a mother to be respected, she must do some things to earn that respect, dad needs to encourage the children to respect their mother, and a family needs to attend a church where children are taught the importance of the family and the command to honor parents.

Although we should each respect our mother whether the respect is earned or not, it is so much easier when the mother does and does not do certain things. Mothers should have the well-being of the family in her mind and heart first after love for God. A Godly woman is a woman who is filled with love as described in the 13th chapter of I Corinthians in the Bible. She is patient with her children and understands each child is unique. She needs to do her best to see that the children are getting proper food and have a clean, orderly house to live in. She needs to be an encourager. Her speech should be gentle. Mothers who use profanity and “street talk” have a hard time getting real respect from children.

Dad plays a big role in teaching children proper respect. He needs to set a good example for the children by showing respect to their mother. In addition to setting the example, he needs to require the children to always speak respectfully and to listen to the mother. Under no circumstances should he override the mother’s decision in the presence of the children. To do so indicates that he does not believe that she is capable of making right decisions for them. Children quickly pick up on this attitude and they, too, decide that she is not capable of giving them advice. If dad disagrees with mom, the issue should be settled between the two of them out of the presence of the children. When men talk down to their wives in front of the children, the children get the impression that their mother is inferior. Mother’s Day presents an opportunity for dad to work with the children to remind them to do something to show their appreciation and love for their mother.

Families who do not attend church are robbing themselves of a great deal of help. In church, the children are taught the Ten Commandments. They usually are required to memorize them. One of the commandments tells us to honor our fathers and mothers. This is not an option. God holds us responsible to obey this commandment as well as the others. It really helps to have someone outside the family teaching the children to act properly and to respect their parents. As I watch children in church recite Scripture, sing songs, and learn how to behave properly, I often feel sad to think how many children are missing out on these activities. These activities, along with camp opportunities, enhance the learning they get at school and home. They get practice in memorizing and they learn Scripture verses about acting correctly which better prepares them for life.

Although Mother’s Day comes only one time each year, we should teach children to love and respect their mothers at all times. This positive behavior should become a pattern of behavior to last a lifetime.

Alcohol Kills Teens

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Alcohol Kills Teens

Alcohol is terrible for teens. Research shows that teens tend to take risks because the part of the brain that tells them to be cautious has not yet fully developed. Alcohol adds to the attitude of risk-taking and enhances the tendency to make poor decisions.
None of us would add gasoline to a burning fire that we were trying to put out; yet, that is similar to what we are doing to let teens have alcohol. They are already throwing caution to the wind and alcohol makes it worse.
It is sickening to watch some of the pictures that are coming from the areas where our college students are on spring break. Many of those students are still in their teens. Their lives are being altered and terrible things are happening. I wonder if Sodom and Gomorrah were worse than what is happening in those places. Our college and university campuses are not doing enough to stop the alcohol consumption on campus. I have been told that some teens went to register at a university and a booth was set up where they could get fake identification cards to enable them to buy alcohol!
Here are some facts that we need to consider:
5000 people under 21 die each year from alcohol related car crashes.
Most teen deaths related to alcohol are not traffic related. Sixty-eight percent are from other causes such as alcohol poisoning or injuries from accidents related to alcohol consumption.
Eleven per cent of all alcohol consumed in the United States is consumed by underage drinkers. Teens binge drink more than older consumers.
There are 189,000 emergency room visits by underage drinkers each year for injuries or other alcohol related problems.
Alcohol is the most commonly used and abused drug among teens in the U.S.—more than illegal drugs or tobacco.
There is additional information on the Internet that would be helpful in counseling teens. Most of this is provided by the Center for Disease Control. Some of it is from news reports from TV channels provided on the Internet.
There is much research being done now that is close to proving that some people become more easily addicted than others. If alcohol is offered to everyone, how are we to know if one of those people is a person whose DNA is such that they will become addicted? Do we really want that on our consciences?
Those people who are trying to make money by selling alcohol to teens are doing a terrible thing. Not only are they breaking the law by selling it to a teen, but they may be contributing to the death of someone. We should quickly report any such activity to the authorities.
Broken hearts, people injured for life, deaths, and unprepared for babies are all outcomes of alcohol. Do we really want our leaders of tomorrow binge drinking today?

Teen Discipline

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Train up a child…

Teen Discipline

By the time a child reaches the teens, discipline methods used in childhood may no longer get the desired results. Since each person is unique, all discipline must be tailored to the individual, but there are a few general principles that may be followed. A teen needs to be confident that all rules and discipline are designed for the good of the teen and not just for the convenience of the parent or worker. Whenever possible, teens need to be persuaded to make self-rules that are acceptable. All discipline should be tailored to the situation for obtaining positive results.
Quite often a teen gets the feeling that the world is against him/her. If teens can’t trust their parents, who can they trust? From birth, parents need to instill the idea that choices are made for the safety and well-being of the child. If this has been done, a teen is more likely to trust a parent’s judgement. “Because I told you so” is not a good enough reason for a teen. Teens are in a stage of breaking away from parents. They must know that the reason is for their benefit and not just to satisfy the parent. It is understandable, but not beneficial, for parents to become frustrated during these years because the children are usually frustrated and have so many problems. It is a trying time for both. Knowing that parents and teens are on the same side really helps to calm a teen.
“Laying down the law” is just the opposite of getting teens to reason for themselves what is right and wrong. If a teen is given the opportunity and help to reason out what is best, he/she is much more apt to follow the rules. Of course, we cannot allow teens to make bad rules. It is surprising, however, how teens are capable of making good rules if given the chance; then, parents, teachers, or leaders can help hold them to their own rules. The rules should be written down and posted and referred to when necessary.
Different problems require different tactics. We have two things with teens that give us leverage. They are embarrassment and taking away privileges. We can use these two things according to problems involved. If a child is acting out in school, the parent can threaten to go to school and sit with the child. If the threat doesn’t work, actually do it. If the teen violates curfew, let him/her know ahead of time that you will come looking or call the police because you are concerned for his/her safety. Taking away cell phones, car keys, etc. generally works in other cases.
It is always best to anticipate problems and head them off to keep from having to use measures of discipline. If a teen has proven trust first, and then been given a privilege, that teen will understand the importance of not breaking that trust. We must remember that teens are not through developing. We cannot just “turn them loose” to do what they want. They need very close supervision even if we have to hide the fact that we are aware of practically every move they make.