Train up a child…
A Real Balancing Act
“I don’t favor any one of my children. I treat them all the same!”
“I know it isn’t right, but I just can’t help being partial to John. He is so much like me and understands me!”
The above two statements reflect a parent’s understanding that one child in a family should not be favored over another child. Parents struggle with the “balancing act” of treating each child fairly.
Why is it so difficult to be fair? At the outset, we as parents and grandparents know that there are no two children the same, so how can we treat them the same? We can’t treat them the same.
Each child comes with its own set of needs. We try to meet those needs as we labor to be a good parent. Then we find that not only does each child have its own unique set of needs, but that one child might have greater needs than another. What is a parent to do?
There is one area in which a parent can be the same with each child. The parent can love each child equally. Children need to be told that they are loved equally. They need to be told that you are trying to meet their needs but that their needs vary. Let them understand as early as possible that they will not each be treated the same, but that you will make every effort to show equal love. Tell them that sometimes you may call on them to help a brother or sister. As a family unit, we each should be concerned for the other members of the family.
When it comes to birthdays and Christmas, spend an equal amount of time, money, or effort on gifts. When you find yourself spending more time on one child than another, perhaps you could make a luncheon date with the slighted child so he or she can have a “place in the spotlight”. In fact, some parents try to rotate and take one child at a time to a special event. This is a great idea. A special time alone with each child gives an opportunity to discuss anything that may be on the mind of either the parent or child.
To choose one child over another because he or she understands or pleases us is purely selfish. We need to look deep enough into each child to appreciate that child’s qualities. Unfortunately, sometimes a problem arises in single parent families. For instance, a single mom who feels she has been treated poorly by an ex-husband may have a son bearing physical characteristics of that ex-husband. Every time she looks at the son, she is reminded of her former husband. She may pick on that child without realizing it due to the fact that he constantly reminds her of an unpleasant past. In such cases, she must make a special effort to control her inner feelings to prevent punishing a child for what its father did. The same can be true of a single father and daughter when a daughter may remind the dad of her mother who made him unhappy.
Being fair can be tough, but it can be done. Children can easily sense unfairness and find it difficult to forgive a parent. Children may carry grudges for life. No parent wants a child to have a grudge against him/her, so it would behoove parents to make a special effort to let their children know they are loved equally.