Train up a child…

Telling is Not Teaching

We often make the mistake of thinking that our task of rearing children is finished if we simply tell a child what is right or wrong. That is not true. When we tell a child something, it simply opens the subject for debate. Immediately the child begins thinking, “Is that person right or am I right?” Often, the child goes on the defensive to defend his/her own opinion.

What, then, are we to do? Our objective is to get the child to come to the right conclusion in his/her own mind. How do we do this? One of the best ways is to ask questions that ultimately lead the child to figure out the best way to go. Carefully framed questions stimulate thinking and help the child to see all angles of a matter. It is not until the child has come to the proper conclusion in his/her own mind that learning has truly taken place.

Here is an example:

I was visiting my daughter’s family one time when my grandson asked his mother if he could do something. She did not answer him “yes” or “no”. Instead, she said, “Let’s think about that a minute. How do you think the other person will feel if you do that? How will the other children around him feel? What will his parents think? How will you feel after you have done it?” My grandson thought for a moment and then said, “I guess I had better not do that.”

It is only what any person truly believes that affects actions. We can force children to do what is right in our own eyes, but when they get old enough to determine their own destiny, they will act according to what they truly believe. There are times when we must force a child for his own safety or well-being, but forcing usually breeds resentment and a feeling of “I’ll get even”. Our teaching should be geared to helping a child understand reasons.

Sometimes discussing the results of another person’s actions helps a child understand outcomes of certain behaviors. We need to take care not to foster gossip, but again simply ask questions. One might say, “Why do you think that happened?” or “Do you think there was a better way that _________ could have handled that situation?” This gives a real life situation that will have meaning to the child.

Stories provide a way of helping children learn. That is one reason why discussion is so very important when reading to a child. It is amazing how many times a story can be read or heard without a clue as to the lesson being taught. Discussion brings out the lessons. Horton Hatches the Egg by Dr. Seuss is an excellent book to discuss responsibility with young children.  Aesop’s Fables are still wonderful for children.

We fall way short of our duty when we stop at simply telling a child what to do.

Note: More ideas for teaching children proper behavior are available in my books,  Let the Children Come and Children, Come to Me now available at most bookstores or on Amazon.com.  I have copies available as well.